The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence Paperback – May 11, 1999

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The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence Paperback – May 11, 1999

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Reddit Reviews and Recommendations

  • 102 Reviews
  • July 24, 2019 Last Review Date
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  • 57 Reviewed on Subreddits

    TwoXChromosomes (14)
    LetsNotMeet (9)
    raisedbynarcissists (7)
    Anxiety (6)
    AskWomen (4)
    AskMen (3)
    IAmA (2)
    JUSTNOMIL (2)
    NarcissisticAbuse (2)
    UnresolvedMysteries (2)
    and 47 more...

Discussion and Reviews on Reddit

Grey man theory analysis [R]

4 weeks, 1 day agoJuly 23, 2019

[deleted]

4 weeks agoGrumpyMonk5454 posted comment on preppers.
July 24, 2019

I don't like the term "Greyman" but this is how I have lived my life every day since I was about 27, so 30 years now. My interpretation of grey man is simple: Don't be an asshole, don't stand out in a crowd.

While I am a huge 2nd Amendment supporter, I own many guns, I shoot almost every week - thousands of rounds per year. I rarely carry a weapon, if I am it is concealed. There are too many places I regularly go that it is not allowed and many where it is illegal or impossible to bring a weapon. I have come to realize that in my world I do not have a need for a weapon. No, I am not some badass, I am not a big guy, not imposing at all. I do however understand violence and how to avoid it but also how to use it if I have no way to escape.

I have some book recommendations for learning and implementing this philosophy:

" The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence" by Gavin De Becker

" When Violence Is the Answer: Learning How to Do What It Takes When Your Life Is at Stake" by Tim Larkin

" Escape The Wolf: A Security Handbook for Traveling Professionals" by Clinton Emerson

creepy university security guard [R]

2 months, 2 weeks agoShojo_Tombo posted submission on LetsNotMeet.
June 2, 2019

This happened a few months ago, and I didn't realize how weird it was until I told my boyfriend about it a few months later.

At my college our student ID's are pretty much essential to have. They get you into all of the academic buildings and get you all your food on the meal plan. I had lost mine and was forced to go get a new one. I went to the security desk and told the security guard that I lost my ID and needed a new one made. He said "No problem, just come with me while I print you a new one". He was older, if I had to guess I would say about 65, but in very good shape. Definitely over 6 ft and you could tell he was attractive when he was younger. He had curly grey hair, very well kept, and ice blue eyes.

We went to the back security room in the main student commons building. It was a room that was a little ways back, but still had a good amount of foot traffic going by it. I walked in and sat on the couch that was across from the desk. When he walked in he closed the door. He went on the computer at the desk and asked me all my information (student ID number, name, birthday, class year). When he pulled up my account he saw my picture that is used for my ID. He asked me if I wanted a new picture taken for the new ID, and I said "No, I'm good" because I don't like my picture taken, but also I looked a mess because I wasn't expecting to need a new picture taken. He then said, "Well your picture is very good. You look pretty, most are bad" I laughed and said thank you and told him I was a senior in high school and got that taken at orientation almost 3 years ago (I'm a senior), and he said "Well you must have always been pretty." I started to feel weird then, but it's a security officer at my college and it's known for having great security.

He then said that the computer wasn't letting him print one without taking a new picture since it was so old. He told me, "If you need to get a new ID it makes you get a new picture after two years because people can change in looks and we need to make sure it's you and have good confirmation." Okay....you just asked me if I wanted a new one but are now telling me I need a new one. I found this weird because I thought if that was the case he would have known that in the beginning, but again he's a security officer and I need this stupid ID. I said okay, and he said he would set everything up.

He went into a closet within this security room and got out a camera on a tripod and told me to stand up against the wall. I did and smiled awkwardly. He told me I needed to take my hair out of the bun because the hair needed to be down for the ID picture. Okay...but I didn't think much of this either as I had never seen a girl's ID without their hair down (which I now realize is just preference). He took a picture, and said my eyes were closed. I laughed because my eyes are closed in 9/10 pictures I take, another reason I don't like my picture taken. He said "It's fine, I don't mind taking a couple." He then came over and told me my hair looked awkward so he was just going to fix it for me so I liked the picture better. He fixed my hair, and I pulled my head back and said "It's good, I really don't care no one looks at it". He rolled his eyes and said "Whatever, it's your picture but it would look better if I fixed it" again I said "It's fine don't worry" just trying to be polite. After then next picture, I saw a clock on the wall and realized I only had 10 minutes before class.

I said "You can just use whatever one I don't have my eyes closed in because I have class in 10 minutes so I kind of have to go" He said "Your professor isn't going to get mad if you say you were getting an ID from security and it took a while" At this point I realized I had been in there for over 20 minutes, and I wasn't nervous but more so sick of being there and wanted out. He then told me they take a few minutes to print and to just wait on the couch. He then talked to me asking me what my major is, if I have a boyfriend (I do so I said yes), he asked how long we had been dating and said "Oh you know guys in college are no good they will just waste your time. You should break up with him and find someone older and more mature." Whatever dude, just give me my ID. I didn't respond to that and just said "Okay well, I'm going to go because I can't be late for class so would I be able to just pick it up at the desk after class?" He huffed and then said "What a rush you are in, but it should be ready now hold on" He then went from the desk to the back of the room where the printer was and grabbed my ID. He said "Wow, the picture is even better. I'm a pretty good photographer if I do say so myself" and winked. He kept holding the ID, not handing it to me. I was annoyed at this point, but am really bad at being assertive. I said "I'm sorry, but I really have to go" and he laughed and said "Okay okay, I would think a senior wouldn't be nervous about being a little late" then handed me the ID. I basically snatched it out of his hands, and he said "Well I'll walk you out because you aren't supposed to be back here without a security guard I wouldn't want you getting in trouble" I'm thinking omg just let me go! So he walked me out and I said "Thanks!" and basically ran out of the building.

I'm not going to lie, I thought he was weird and flirty, but I had never needed to get an ID made before so I just thought that's how the process was and that he was just a little too flirty with the situation, so I never said anything to anyone.

With 3 weeks left of school I somehow managed to lose my ID. I had been borrowing my boyfriends because I was super busy at the end of the year and just thought "I really don't have a half hour to spare to go get a new ID". Finally my boyfriend got annoyed with me using his meal plan and always having his ID and he said "You need to go get a new one it takes 5 minutes tops" I said "No it doesn't it took a half hour I don't have time for that" He asked me what the hell I was talking about and I told him what happened. He said "No that is not at all okay you need to report that" I said I didn't care enough to but I asked him to come with me to get a new ID.

When I went to get a new one it was a different security guard and he said "Yeah no problem just wait here I'll be back in a minute" Not even 5 minutes later he was back with a new one made. I told him what happened last time and he looked very concerned. He asked who the security guard was. I didn't know his name, but I described him. He gave me the name and office of the head security guard and told him he would call and tell them I was coming over. I went and talked to the head security officer and he told me what happened was not at all protocol and he looked in the system and saw over 30 pictures of me taken. He reported it to higher ups. I had to go in and speak to a group of 3 people in administration and they let me know that he was fired and would not be allowed on campus again and to notify them if I see him.

I know it doesn't sound that crazy like most of the stories on here, and I really didn't feel like I was in danger, but I think I was too naive to feel that at the time. I trusted every security guard, but I have no idea what his intentions were...

2 months, 2 weeks agoShojo_Tombo posted comment on LetsNotMeet.
June 3, 2019

You really, really need to read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker.

You don't owe anyone politeness or respect if they are making you uncomfortable. It's ok to be downright rude and get the hell out of there. It's also easier to ask for forgiveness than permission, and you don't need anyone's permission to leave a creepy situation. People like him are predators who count on people to be polite and use it against them. Ted Bundy was famous for this. Please read the book and learn to listen to your gut, it will keep you safe.

What’s one gender stereotype that grinds your gears? [R]

4 months, 2 weeks agowennie59 posted submission on AskWomen.
April 6, 2019
4 months, 2 weeks agowennie59 posted comment on AskWomen.
April 7, 2019

I highly recommend that you read, “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin De Becker. I gave this book to each one of my daughters before they left home for college. All women have the gift of instinct. We just need to learn to listen to it.

The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440508835/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_SSyQCbW9MNRXQ

ALWAYS trust your gut [R]

5 months, 2 weeks agostupidflyingmonkeys posted submission on Parenting.
March 10, 2019

Late last summer I pulled my 4 year old out of their integrated music preschool before the start of the new school year. They had moved locations and where going to have staffing changes as well.

There was nothing specific. Yet after a couple of days of summer camp, I knew I didn’t want them there for the upcoming year. I felt horribly guilty about pulling them out for reasons I had a hard time articulating.

Today my intuition was validated. A music teacher at the school was arrested and charged with sexual abuse including unlawful penetration. They are looking for other potential victims. For whatever reason my intuition screamed no. If you ever have a gut feeling like that, about a person or place, please listen.

Edit: I did not think that my post would require clarification but alas it does.

I am advising to trust your gut feeling/intuition/instincts when it comes to the people you allow near your kids and the places you trust to leave them. NOT about whether or not you should trust vaccines/doctors or science.

Even with the deepest investigation I could have done, this person would not have just allowed me to find out their evil. Sometimes all you have is your internal warning lights go off, and it’s okay to listen even if it hurts someone’s feelings. The cost of dismissing my intuition this time could have been so high, and not a risk worth taking in my eyes.

5 months, 2 weeks agostupidflyingmonkeys posted comment on Parenting.
March 10, 2019

The Gift of Fear is a good book that talks about this kind of intuition. I’m so glad your child was safe.

Have you ever met a killer? [R]

9 months agoatGuyThay posted submission on UnresolvedMysteries.
Nov. 18, 2018

Have you ever met a killer? Or think you’ve met one?

I made a throwaway account to post this because it still creeps me out, 12 years later, and I don’t want it linked to my account that could identify me.

About 12 years ago I was in my early 20s and living in a southern state in the US. Late one night I realized I urgently needed to buy something and so I went to the only store near me I knew was open — a Wal-Mart Supercenter that was open 24/7. This store is right off a major US interstate exit (I-85) and it was a weekday around 1 AM in the morning when I was at the store. The parking lot of this store is huge and often truckers (big rigs) would park their trucks in the lot overnight, along with some random campers and RVs.

I was in line to check out and immediately noticed the man in front of me. The store was otherwise almost empty. He was youngish white guy, average build, maybe 30s? He was hunched over, with a baseball cap bunched down over much of his face. He purchased these items: a shovel, three pack of duct tape, rope, a set of zip ties, a box of latex gloves, a pair of leather gloves, an empty gas container (the red plastic kind), and a disposable cell phone (one of those “Trac Phone” type things). He seemed to be unwilling to engage with the check out person (who also seemed annoyed to be working at 1 AM on a Tuesday - fair enough). He paid in cash.

Now even if he wasn’t buying those items I think I would have felt creeped out — there was something just off about the situation to me. I know that sounds crazy, but I just sensed something “wrong.” But to buy those specific items together (and nothing else), to buy them at 1 AM on a Tuesday, and to pay cash?!?

I waited in the store for a long time and asked the assistant night manager to walk me to my car (which he didn’t want to do, but finally agreed). The next day I called the local FBI field office and explained/reported the situation. The people taking the complaint asked me repeatedly if I was calling in response to a specific crime (uhh, creepiness?) but took my information.

Didn’t hear of anything or see anything on the news that caused alarm.

THEN

A few months later the FBI local office reached back out to me to ask if I paid with a credit card at Wal-Mart (I did).

I never heard from them again. I have no idea who the man was, what he was doing, who he may have harmed, or where he did it. I don’t know if he’s been captured or not. But I’m pretty darn sure I witnessed someone buying things to murder someone else.

Anyone else ever have a run-in with someone they suspected of killing someone else?

9 months agoatGuyThay posted comment on UnresolvedMysteries.
Nov. 19, 2018

That is insane, but you were absolutely right to listen to your fear and act on it. If you haven’t read The Gift Of Fear I highly recommend it. Your situation sounds like one he would cover. So scary

My stalker called himself a "nice guy" today... [R]

9 months agoelohra_2013 posted submission on niceguys.
Nov. 18, 2018
9 months agoelohra_2013 posted comment on niceguys.
Nov. 18, 2018

Buy the book The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence. Highly recommend it.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440508835/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_c_api_sbD8BbPSYA3ZW

Extreme Anxiety of Being Shot In Public [R]

9 months, 1 week agowasabicupcakes posted submission on Anxiety.
Nov. 14, 2018

So as everyone is aware, America has a horrific gun problem. The continuous shootings around the country and the world has sparked such intense anxiety that I can’t even enjoy being out in public. I’m on edge any time I go to a movie, a concert, and even dinner. I can’t remember the last time I went out and it wasn’t itching at the back of my mind. It has made everything that’s supposed to be a moment of making memories to complete dread. I’m a bummer to those around me, and I just want to find peace of mind. If anyone has any advice or how to handle this, or to just not feel alone. I hate that the world has become such a horrific place.

9 months, 1 week agowasabicupcakes posted comment on Anxiety.
Nov. 14, 2018

The Gift of Fear is a great book. DeBecker tells you what you are afraid of and what you really should be afraid of.

I have some sort of phobia. [R]

9 months, 3 weeks agowasabicupcakes posted submission on Anxiety.
Oct. 28, 2018

I will start of by saying I am scared easily. I see videos of people being scared and not even flinching, but I just don't do that. Even someone saying 'boo' without me knowing they are there can make me jump. However, I am very scared of being robbed/my house being broken into. When someone rings the doorbell, I start sweating and grab a letter-opener. Whenever I hear a sound upstairs, I don't go up there for at least an hour. If I hear something from downstairs, I will grab anything sharp nearby, and begin to yell their name from the stairs to make sure they weren't harmed or anything. One time at a sleepover when I was in Year 6, me and my friends were just talking, when I heard my mum coming upstairs, but at the time, I didn't know it was my mum, so I instinctively grabbed a chair and put it under the door handle and told my friends to stay quiet. We remained silent for 5 minutes until my mum went back downstairs. Those little things cause such inconvenience in my life and I want it to go away. There is no nearby therapist place or whatever, and even if there were, me and my mum are not in the best financial place right now to afford it. Is this a phobia or is it just natural instincts, and any advice on how to get suppress my biggest fear?

9 months, 3 weeks agowasabicupcakes posted comment on Anxiety.
Oct. 28, 2018

Read a book called The Gift of Fear. You will learn why what you are afraid of is silly and what you really should be afraid of but probably aren't.

It sure is a scary time for boys. [R]

10 months, 2 weeks agoFey_fox posted submission on TwoXChromosomes.
Oct. 9, 2018
10 months, 2 weeks agoFey_fox posted comment on TwoXChromosomes.
Oct. 10, 2018

When I was your age I felt the same way. Then as time passed I found out a friend was groped at the bar when some guy she didn’t see came up behind her and grabbed her mouth and crotch in a dark area of the dance floor. Nobody reacted or saw. When I was 25 that’s when a friend I was with got her drink spiked. Someone was dosing people in the club for shits. She went from pretty normal to fall down pass out real fast, we got her home and stayed with her until she was ok, but I don’t want to imagine what could of happened if she wasn’t with us. When I was 26 my roommate was raped, and I had already been sexually assaulted by a guy who lied about wearing a condom.

By the time I was 30 I had been staked by an ex, groped and had dudes I didn’t know suddenly grinding on my ass in the club. I don’t take public transportation but I’ve heard stories from my friends who take the bus of guys exposing themselves or rubbing their dick through their pants while trying to get eye contact with them.

These weren’t and aren’t daily occurrences. I’m pretty cautious by nature. I carry a carry a cat keychain and compared to most people I know I haven’t had to deal with some of the stuff they had. But I wasn’t and am not immune and neither are you.

Keep your head on a swivel. You have been lucky. I hope you stay that way. Point of this is just because you have been lucky and you beaten the statistic so far doesn’t mean that everyone has or that your luck will hold.

There’s a book I recommended to all young adults, especially young women. The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence. It’s thick but a quick read. I would suggest checking it out.

How do I convince my friend to get a restraining order? [R]

11 months agoNodosaur22 posted submission on TwoXChromosomes.
Sept. 23, 2018

Guy here with a platonic female friend who has an ex husband making threats to her and myself in person and electronically, showing up at her house, calling her from other numbers when she blocks his cell phone.

She doesn’t want to ruin his future over it, I think her future should be part of the equation as well. The divorce went through within the last couple months, in NC you have to be separated for a year. This came to a head when she recently told him she was dating again, and today she told him I’d be living in her house for a year while I go to college after I get out of the Army. Today was also the first time I “met” him in person, he confronted us at a breakfast place and had an argument with her outside. Threatened me, and threatened her at her house after the incident this morning.

11 months agoNodosaur22 posted comment on TwoXChromosomes.
Sept. 23, 2018

I want to say so many things but I feel like it's better to just beg you to read the book "Gift of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker. I also encourage you to put your restraining order goals on hold until you hopefully read the book. You can skip chapters to what is relevant if you want.

Hope this link works, Im on my phone: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440508835/ref=cmswrotherapa_fdbQBbPAGGSYP

I genuinely hope this helps!

creepy man at my work [R]

11 months agobss60 posted submission on LetsNotMeet.
Sept. 20, 2018

so i really dont know what to make of this situation and am looking for other people’s opinions.

I work at a restaurant as a hostess. Three days ago I was working and noticed a man walk in an sit at the bar. No big deal, bar is first come first serve. I then noticed him get up and seat himself at a table. that was when i noticed he was dressed in a black hoodie with a fairly large black duffle bag

I got a little nervous because i was trying to think of reasons to bring a whole duffle bag into a restaurant with you. i told myself that i was being paranoid.

Since he moved to a table it was my job to greet him and bring him a menu (since he sat himself). i went over and said “hi i just wanted to know if you are going to sit here so i can get a waiter for you” he took a long pause, almost like a delay on the news, then looked me dead in the eyes and said “yes”. i told him i would get a waiter for him, no response.

i got the waitress and told her just as a heads up that he was socially awkward. she agreed and started getting nervous about the duffle bag too. she also said she felt weird because he didnt order anything, not even a water.

The guy then moved back to the bar. i ignored it and bussed tables, since he went to the bar its not my problem anymore. i then saw him go to the bathroom with his duffle bag. i started to panic like a baby and told my manager. hes a big dude and said “no that’s suspicious i’ll go to the bathroom”

by the time he went to the bathroom the guy was back, but sitting at a different table. my manager went to greet him this time. he didnt respond at all to my manager. he left shortly after my manager went up to him.

i worked tonight. who walks in? he does the same thing. im talking 30 minutes of switching between bar and tables with his duffle bag, not responding to employees, and didnt order a thing. this time he had a black hoodie with a baseball cap and sunglasses. he kept them on the entire time...inside at 9 pm...

i didnt work yesterday, but my coworkers told me he did the same exact thing yesterday.

i dont know what to make of this...all i know is there was a very disturbing vibe that i cant describe in words. all i could think was that hes scoping the place out for a future plan? am i being totally paranoid? my coworkers are all just as worried as i am

EDIT: I should add that this weekend will be the restaurant’s busiest weekend of the year because the local college has parents weekend so im really hoping hes not scoping out the place to do something when there is such a high volume of people there. Also a lot of people have been asking if he looks homeless or like he just came from the gym. the answer to both of those is no. he is always in jeans and a hoodie with clean cut hair and freshly shaved and smells of aftershave.

UPDATE: I was in work last night and lo and behold the creepy guy is back. I didnt work from friday-tuesday but of course he was in everyday. Finally on Friday when it was super busy my manager told him he has to buy something or leave. he gets a sweat tea. I guess Friday and Saturday were too busy so he just stayed in the bar area only ordering a sweat tea. Last night since it wasnt busy he moved from seat to seat with his duffle bag carrying his sweat tea. He went to the bathroom maybe 3 times and my manager checked after every time. What scared me about last night was he was asking the bartender where exits are (“to be safe”) when shifts start and end, what our typical sections of seating are open. The manager finally notified the police last night after he left, but as you can guess they said they cant do anything until he per-sues it further. The thing I am worried about is that he is going to come in so frequently in order to make us let our guard down about this strange guy with a duffle bag, sunglasses, hoodie, and a hat. Thanks for all your interest and concern!

11 months agobss60 posted comment on LetsNotMeet.
Sept. 21, 2018

Most important. Book. Ever. Highly recommended.

The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440508835/ref=cmswrcpapa_OhBPBb6QTVT7R

For a good time call... [R]

11 months agobss60 posted submission on LetsNotMeet.
Sept. 21, 2018

This creepy story happened to my female friend when I was in college but I was involved with helping her realize how the creepy encounter even happened. Now this story has 2 parts, her part and my part.

I’ll start with hers: So just some background, the university I went to was more of a commuter school meaning the campus was pretty much dead on weekends and the majority of the students who lived on campus in the dorms even went home on weekends. My friend was from upstate so she did not go home on weekends so she was pretty much alone give or take a few people others. So one of the lightbulbs in her dorm went out and she called the housing office during the week to request the repair. The weekend comes and her roommate goes home and so does the majority of her dorm mates. She’s watching tv in her dorm at night and she gets a call. When she answers the guy on the other end sounds nervous and hesitant and says “ummm...hi is this Mary?” Mary says yeah. He asks “so where do you live?” Mary for some reason assumes this is the maintenance man for her lightbulb so she gives him her dorm address. She did think though it was weird that they didn’t know her address when she included it in her request for the repair.

Anyways about an hour goes by and she’s still watching tv when some random knocks on her window then runs off. She goes to the window but doesn’t catch the person. She thinks it’s just a friend walking past trying to prank her so she goes back to the tv. Then she gets another knock on the window and same thing, the guy runs off. She goes to the window trying to see who it was when the phone rings. It’s the man and he says “hey Mary...it’s me again....is that you on the bottom floor of the building?” She says yeah and asks if it’s him that’s been knocking on the window. He says yeah it was him, he just wanted to make sure he had the right dorm and see if her roommate was home. She’s kind of weirded out by that comment but still doesn’t think too much about it. He then asks her to open the front door into the dorm building so he can come in. She says ok she’s coming and tells him to wait by the door. She gets to the front door and sees a bald guy in a hoodie standing there. She immediately gets creeper vibes and doesn’t open the door asks through the door who he was. He said he was here for Mary. By now Mary is really confused and a bit freaked out so she goes to her RA (the dorm manager) and asks if her RA recognizes this maintenance man since he’s not dressed like one and he’s kind of creeping her out. The RA tells her maintenance doesn’t work weekends as the housing office is closed. Immediately my friend freaks out and tells her RA there’s a strange guy waiting outside the door for her and she almost let him in. He even knew her name and number. They both go back to the door and when the guy sees them both he bolts away. They call campus security but they don’t find anyone. She’s completely freaking out now since this random has her phone number and knows where she lives and knows she is alone until her roommate comes back. She stayed in her friends dorm for a bit since she was scared to be alone. Thankfully that was the first and last encounter she had with that man.

Now for my part of the story and how I heard about this from her: So I was on campus and I went to use the restroom. I go into one of the stalls and I notice some graffiti written on the stall and it said “For a good time call Mary Smith” (name changed obviously) and had a phone number. That was my friends name so I looked up her number on my phone and sure enough it was her actual number. I take a picture of it and send it to my friend saying “FYI I saw this in the bathroom” and since I couldn’t erase the writing I wrote over it to change the name and to a random number. My friend texts me back a bunch of questions freaking out and then tells me to meet her at the coffee shop on campus because she had a scary encounter over the weekend and it made sense to her now and she wanted to tell me. So creepy bald dude, I’m sure my friend doesn’t ever want to meet.

11 months agobss60 posted comment on LetsNotMeet.
Sept. 21, 2018

There were so many red flags in this situation that she missed. This was a wake up call and a valuable lesson for her; thank goodness she is okay.

I have a book to recommend that she read. I asked my kids (adults now) to read it when they were younger, and frankly, I can recommend it highly to anyone and everyone. It's called "The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence" by Gavin De Becker. The book teaches you how to identify even subtle signs of danger, and how to trust your gut instincts.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440508835

Trusting your intuition after accepting that the HG isn't a thing? [R]

11 months, 3 weeks agoannalatrina posted submission on exmormon.
Sept. 3, 2018

After coming to the realization that "promptings" from the holiest ghostie were actually pangs of anxiety coming from my sympathetic nervous system, I've been practicing ignoring those feeling completely. Every time I feel like I should double check for my keys or take a different route to work, I try to relax and trust myself that I don't need to feed my anxiety by reacting to these thoughts.

The only hang up here is that I'm having trouble distinguishing between generalized anxiety (and the conditioning that I always need to respond to it) and my own intuition based upon logic and reason. How have you all navigated this shift? Do some of you still believe that these thoughts are meaningful? I feel like being in he church has taught me to depersonalize my instincts in favor of attributing them to magic. And now I feel like I don't now how to trust myself.

11 months, 3 weeks agoannalatrina posted comment on exmormon.
Sept. 3, 2018

You need to get treatment for your anxiety. In healthy people, “trusting your gut” can be very helpful (especially for women and children) There is a book called The Gift of Fear that is amazing. It talks about learning to distinguish the instincts you should trust from the noise. We are frequently socialized to disregard when someone is making us uneasy, we need to pay attention to that feeling. https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440508835/ref=cmswrcpapi_OwtJBbTTJNGM0

I still don't even know his name [R]

12 months agoCherryBrownies posted submission on LetsNotMeet.
Aug. 25, 2018

Ok, let's get into it. For context: I am a petite, soft-spoken 19 year old girl and was taking summer classes at a community college this summer.

One of the classes I took was public speaking, which met Tuesday's and Thursday's. This guy, I don't even know his name, was immediately "one of those" kids- you know, angry young man who makes no effort in school and blasts Limp Bizkit (he really did this).

To get from our classroom that was on the 2nd floor, you had to go down a hallway, down a stairwell to the 1st floor, through the main lobby, and out the sliding doors. He started waiting for me after class and following me all the way down this route to my car. Didn't matter if I pretended to be on the phone, had both earbuds in, kept my head down, literally power-walked away from him, gave him bare minimum responses, etc. He would wait for me, follow me/try to walk with me, and the whole way be talking to me and asking me questions (like asking me about each of the cars I drove to the school.... (since my family has to share cars). Even after I subtly dropped that I had a boyfriend. So, he definitely knows my car. I got a very bad feeling after awhile of this happening and told the class's professor. She immediately took it seriously, notified campus security, and told me to always stay after class so she could walk me to my car.

However, true to form, the guy stopped showing up to class. For at least 2 or so weeks. So, I thought it was fine and that the crisis was averted. And it was..... until one day he showed up to class again.

As soon as I saw him enter the room my heart dropped. During the class, I slipped a note to my prof telling her "he's the kid in the blue shirt" and she told me to hang around after class. I did, and so did the guy (and another female student). Before he tried to talk to the prof about why he should pass the class despite never showing up or doing the work, the prof asked me and the other girl to wait in the hall. From the hall, we could hear him YELLING aggressively at the prof.

He eventually left and came out into the hallway we were waiting in and pointed at me and said "wait for me". Mind you I have NO idea who this kid is. I instantly got the heebie jeebies and rushed back into the room to tell prof, who was equally creeped out. Having overheard our conversation, the other female student came back into the room approximately 10 minutes later and told me and prof that the guy was just standing in the hall waiting for me.

Prof called campus security multiple times, phoned the front desk multiple times, but she received no responses. So, we took it into our own hands and came up with the plan to leave the classroom together, pretending to be in very deep conversation with each other, walk past the guy without even looking at him, and walk down the stairwell to the main lobby. His eyes bore into us as we passed him, and when we entered the stairwell he stood up and followed us.

Prof and I exchanged looks of terror but kept our cool act up, stopping at the main desk in the lobby and pretending to converse with the secretary. The guy passed us, still staring at us, and walked out the sliding doors where he was out of our field of vision.

We literally had to track down the campus security ourselves and tell them everything that had happened, and my prof was FURIOUS. After we saw security camera footage of him lurking around, she contacted the local police because she and I both had that very very strong gut feeling that this kid was not right and that we weren't safe around him.

So that public speaking class was from 3-5 PM and I had another class from 6-8 PM, so I would usually drive to Wawa or something in that hour gap. However, there was no way in hell I was going anywhere because I KNEW the guy was waiting for me to do so.

For over an hour we (me, prof, security, and secretary) tried to figure out WHO THIS KID WAS. None of us knew his name because he literally didn't come to class, there weren't photo ID's next to the class roster, and approximately half the original class stopped showing up so we couldn't use a process of elimination. All we had was the security footage of him.

I was escorted to and from my next class and to my car at the end of the night. The security officer asked me to point out my car and when I did he said "Oh wow, so he was parked right next to you". Confused, I asked what he meant and he told me that he had been watching more security footage and the guy got into the car parked right next to me, waited in there for a long time, and then eventually left.

The thing is, I KNEW for a fact that I hadn't parked next to anyone when I arrived to the school because the lot was practically empty since it was summer.

After finally getting home that night (I was the only person home for a few weeks, go figure), local police did drive-by's of my home all night and a well check.

When I returned to the school 2 days later for my Thursday classes, I was informed of chilling information.

Footage showed him waiting for me in his car on Tuesday after our shared class, which I had already been told. But it also showed him COMING BACK to the parking lot at 8 PM, when my last class got out, and sitting in his car. I never told him about my schedule or any other classes I was taking.

This whole time, my public speaking prof was filing reports, making complaints against the school for their incompetency, and even got a lawyer because she felt so uneasy about the kid that if he showed up again, she would walk out.

I was in contact with the president of the entire college, the director of security of the entire college, police, etc. for days. They told me that he was banned from campus and everyone was on watch for him and that if he was spotted he would be asked to leave.

Until......

The director of campus security (middle aged man) called me and told me that he identified the kid and talked to him (via a telephone call, mind you), and he told me that the guy -- and I quote: "just wanted to be my friend" and told me that whatever I was doing with the guy (you know, literally running away from him) probably "made him think I was flirting with him"...............

My professors were absolutely furious and excused me from physically attending class for the rest of the semester.

I still am always on edge all the time knowing that he knows what cars I drive and for all I know could have followed me home.

I still don't know his name, and I hope I never have to learn it.

11 months, 3 weeks agoCherryBrownies posted comment on LetsNotMeet.
Aug. 31, 2018

> I don't know about a restraining order. They've been known to make situations worse

yeah I read that oft times a restraining order sometimes will set off a violent reaction in a stalker. there's a good book about how to deal with those types of people it was called "The Gift of Fear".

https://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835

Has Anyone Else Had an Experience With This Guy? (resposted from r/nyc) [R]

1 year, 1 month agounstablevacuum posted submission on AskNYC.
July 15, 2018

I posted this on r/nyc but it might belong here--

Hi this is my first post but I had a scary experience on the train last night and wanted to know if anyone else has come across this guy. He's tall and has dark hair and very tan to brown skin (possibly of American Indian descent?), he's probably around 40 and doesn't really look homeless but smells VERY DISTINCTLY of wet dog and was carrying three knapsacks. The wet dog smell is probably his most defining characteristic.

Here was my experience: Thursday night I was going home from Grand Central and took the 4/5 train downtown at around 10 pm. This man got on one or two stops later and immediately stood right above me, staring very intensely at me for the remainder of the train ride. There was a lot of space on the train car so it wasn't like it was a crowded train and he was forced to stand over me. The smell of wet dog was really intense, but I didn't want to switch cars because I thought I was being silly to have a bad feeling about this guy and I didn't want to offend (social conditioning...). I got to my stop and I was afraid he was going to follow me off the train but he didn't thank god and I forgot about the experience.

Then last night, Saturday night, I was coming back from the Upper West Side at around 7 pm (totally different time and location from Thursday). As I was waiting on the platform I turned and noticed that SAME GUY standing there, staring at me. Same clothes, same knapsacks, same VERY distinct smell. I immediately was terrified, but casually walked down the platform a little ways so that I wouldn't be on the same car as him. I noticed him continue to stare at me so I walked down further to the very end of the platform. The train came and I got on the car, thinking I was safe and had gotten rid of him. Then the smell of wet dog hit my nostrils and I looked up and he was standing right there, staring at me. I was so scared at that point and tried to maneuver my way through the crowded train car to at least get a little distance from him. Then the train stopped at the next stop and I pretended like I was getting off. He got off the train but when he saw I didn't actually get off got back on. I then quickly switched cars as the doors were closing and he luckily didn't follow me.

I have to believe it was a coincidence that I saw him twice within a couple days, but I just wanted to see if anyone else has possibly had a similar experience? Maybe this guy just really enjoys making people uncomfortable? I'm terrified now that I'll see him on the train again.

Edit: I'm a woman in my 20s if that helps set the scene

1 year, 1 month agounstablevacuum posted comment on AskNYC.
July 15, 2018

> I thought I was being silly to have a bad feeling about this guy and I didn't want to offend

Trust your instinct next time.

Highly recommend you pick up a copy of "Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker.

Extreme red flags from online dating match. How to break things off safely? [R]

1 year, 2 months agoJune 12, 2018

[deleted]

1 year, 2 months agohydradamas99 posted comment on TheGirlSurvivalGuide.
June 12, 2018

This. My thoughts went here immediately! Do not discount your instincts. You are feeling hinky for a reason. Your body/brain connection is designed to do exactly that when something is not right.

I must second the recommendation of the book, “The Gift of Fear (and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence)” by Gavin de Becker. It really opened my eyes to how unaware I usually am of my surroundings. Of course, as for me, you may find advice you can apply to your life and other topics that may not pertain. But it is a good book and I occasionally reread to remind myself to WAKE UP to what’s going on around me.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440508835/ref=cmswrcpawdbt14ybiBbVJJV2PM

first plane ride alone - advice? [R]

1 year, 2 months agowasabicupcakes posted submission on Anxiety.
May 28, 2018

My best friend is getting married and I get to fly up to where she is in 2 days to be in her wedding. However, this is my first time flying by myself somewhere (I've always flown with other people) and I'm kind of really anxious about it - my stomach has been upset all week because of it and I can't get much sleep.

I can't really explain it but airports are just very stressful for me. I have social anxiety so I think that might be it - they're always loud and busy and I feel like it's so easy to get lost (I've always travelled with others so I always follow someone through the airport, and I'm not alone).

And of course, my anxiety assumes the worst, like plane crashes or losing my luggage or leaving something important at home or missing my flight. I'm kinda mad at myself because I so badly want to be able to travel to places easily, yet traveling makes me so anxious, and it's something I need to get over.

Anyone have any good advice for a first-time solo flyer/anxious wreck who feels small in airports and has awful traveling anxiety?

1 year, 2 months agowasabicupcakes posted comment on Anxiety.
May 28, 2018

Gavin deBecker in his "The Gift of Fear" says there is no need to fear flying. Its the drive to the airport that is much more dangerous. : )

Good read if you have time: https://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1527557750&sr=8-1&keywords=the+gift+of+fear

Arrive early, make a list and next time, ask your family doctor for a few Xanax. Flying is a common phobia.

She came to my work. [R]

1 year, 2 months agoskjaldmeyja posted submission on JUSTNOMIL.
May 26, 2018

Following the not-a-party, I blocked Cunty Cait, my FIL and one SIL on my phone and IG account (only social media I have). I do not have the energy or time to deal with them, the arguments, the gaslighting, the constant texting... just no. I don't know what my dumbass husband said at the not-a-party but once he got home the texts had been constant until I blocked them. My husband left our home on Monday by his volition. He said "Okay, I'm leaving." about twenty times before he left. I just kept saying "Alright, use the discover card for your room, we'll get 5% cash back." He was in a hotel for ONE NIGHT before he was flipping out, calling me crying, texting, promising the moon, sun and stars, begging me to let him come home. That's for another post, though.

First off, let me explain something. I know I really allowed my personal life to spin completely out of control. The people in my life had doormatted me ... HARD. I let Cunty Cait manipulate and gaslight me. Plan my flipping wedding. It's been a mess. I let my husband gaslight me into oblivion. I had an emergency appointment with my old therapist ALONE on wednesday, so I can get the help I know I need.

That being said, I never messed about with my career. I worked really hard in college, I worked hard once I graduated and got a job. I'm actually really proud of myself in that area because I did it alone, I didn't have parents to help me, I worked two jobs in college. When my husband got out of the military, we moved. I left my job managing a dental clinic, when we arrived here both of us had a really hard time finding jobs. I worked at a call center, a restaurant, a gas station... until I finally got a job with the hospital I still work for. I worked my way up to the position I have now, it wasn't just handed to me. CC has NEVER recognized that. She doesn't even care to remember what college I went to. If fact, she has essentially accused me of using my husband while he was still in the military. Nevermind that I had graduated college before we married, always worked ... but yeah I tooootally used him. She has asked me once what I do. She did not listen. She can't remember. She will say I still work for the call center. It's been six or seven years since I worked there.

Anyways, without saying too much, I manage a small team in a healthcare setting. This probably doesn't seem like a big deal, but I literally came from nothing and it's big deal to me because I had such a hard time getting work a few years back. And I love the people I work with, they're all rockstars.

Yesterday, two hours into my work day, I get a call from our front desk. Odd. The office assistants usually just come back to my office if they need me. I answer my phone and I immediately start shaking, feeling sick because I can hear Cunty Cait yelling in the back ground over the office assistant's calm voice. Gina (not the OAs real name) tells me calmly "We have a person in the waiting area who has asked to see you." And she hangs up. No sooner than I hang up the receiver, my work cell phone lights up. Gina has texted me saying "Code Grey. Lauren is on the phone with security, please come up front." Lauren is the other office assistant (not her real name either). Code Grey is an emergency code for "combative patient/person".

I cannot adequately describe the feeling I was experiencing. Embarrassment, rage, shock, fear. My stomach was in my throat. I felt like I was moving in slow motion. I put my blazer on. I grabbed the office keys. And I picked up my work cell "I'm omw, I'm going to escort the person into the hall." is what I typed, but I don't remember actually typing and sending that. I could hear myself hyperventilating in my ears, if that even makes sense. Somehow, before I opened the door, I managed to snap myself back into leader mode. Somehow. WHY WAS SHE HERE? HOW DID SHE EVEN FIGURE OUT WHERE I WORK? WHY WHY WHY

I start walking down to the front office work space. I could hear Cait in the waiting area. "WELL WHERE IS SHE? Didn't she call MY daughter in law?" From the intraoffice hallway, I can see the fairly large front desk work space but not into the waiting room. Half my team is staring, shocked, eyes wide, at Cait. A Provider is trying to get Cait to calm down. I get closer to the waiting room door and Gina spots me, she looks totally defeated. I can hear Cait, I'm just feet away from her, but she can't see me. "I want to talk to the manager."

"We know you want to speak with A" Lauren says.

"Where. Is. Your. Manager." Cait speaks slowly and clearly and RUDELY.

"Ma'am. A has been called, she is coming." Gina says

"Am I speaking Greek? Are you always this dense? I will wait for My Daughter In Law. But I want to talk to whoever is in charge here at this office."

"A is." Everyone says in near perfect unison. One of the back office assistants actually laughs, runs over to me and whispers "Don't go out there, that woman is insane."

I take a deep breath and open the door. I walk into the waiting area. There she is, socks with berkinstocks, khaki shorts and a shawl on a warm May day. A shawl she quilted. Cunty Cait looks at me and her jaw drops open. She is used to seeing me in jeans, teeshirts, running shorts, sports bras, shitty messy bun, usually mismatched (aka my free time look). I'm wearing my work clothes gasp at work. Professional attire, work appropriate heels, my hair looks okish (it never looks great haha, but I do try) full face 'o makeup. I use this moment of shock to grab Cunty Cait by the arm and lead her outside of the office, into the main building's shared hallway. You know that pissed off mom arm grab, where your mom could move the tendons around your arm while dragging you out of a Macy's? Well, I did that... exactly that arm grab to Cunty Cait, the old batty hippy who pretends to be soooooo nice. And I don't care who knows it.

I shut her down.

She tried telling me that "she will not be ignored" but I said "I'm at work".

Again, she started "You're ignoring me. I need to talk to you, you haven't even read my text messages have you? I will not be ignored by you"

The way she said "by you" sounded like she was talking about pond scum. Actually. I'm sure that bitch has actually spoken about literal pond scum in a more positive way, so.

I yelled -- "CAIT, I AM AT WORK. This is one hundred percent inappropriate, disrespectful and frankly... insane. Your are not allowed to be here any longer. If you don't leave, security will help you leave."

I then walked over to our office door, opened it, shut it behind me, somehow managed to take the office keys out of my blazer pocket without shaking or dropping them on the floor and I locked that bitch out of the office.

She banged on the door, screamed and cursed. And she yelled "You can't even function, look at what you're doing! You're totally losing your mind!" and "Everyone is really worried about your behavior! Locking your mother out of your work isn't normal".

I stood right in front of that glass door and watched Cait get escorted away by security. It didn't feel great. I think I should be laughing my ass off with unbridled glee because she got exactly what she deserved. But it didn't feel like that. I felt like I was watching a total stranger being escorted away, like "Oh wow, how sad. That woman needs help.". I realized CC is basically a stranger. She has done everything in her power to keep it that way. So I feel nothing towards her.

I apologized to everyone on my team who had to deal with CC and watch the live Dr. Phil episode. Everyone was really awesome about it and understanding, but I can't help but feel like I lost face/respect from my team. Gina even said "I can't believe you're related to her, she didnt even say your name right." I treated everyone to lunch but that won't fix anything if everyone thinks I can't literally manage my life.

I'm just terrified MY BOSS will reprimand me or fire me.

My husband called me, of course. And accused me of "having his mother arrested". I laughed quite a lot before telling him "yeah, hospital cops totally arrested her and threw her in jail." and I said "are you ever going to realize your mother lies and manipulates as a full time job?" before I hung up on him.

I'm getting our county's version of a restraining order, it is called an order for protection. And that is happening ASAP on monday morning.

EDIT: Thank you Thank you Thank you guys so much. All of the beautiful comments and support has been overwhelming and really awesome. I promise I will read every single comment and reply to as many as I can.

After I read the comment from u/Ilostmyratfairy I panicked a little. I also started to feel really unsafe all of a sudden. I've been staying at my house alone at night, with my children. We do have security cameras but that was DH's area. To be fair, I never asked how they work or how to look at the footage. I just have no idea how they even work.

So I packed my kids up and started calling hotels in my area. Honestly, I didn't think I would find one because of the long weekend. On the fifth call, I finally got a hotel with vacancies and I booked it for a week. I even sat in my car with the kids, thinking to myself "You're overreacting" contemplating cancelling the reservation. But I didn't, and that's where we are. Of course my boys think this is like a vacation and they are more excited about the pizza for dinner and movie I promised we'd watch. Thanks again everyone for all the support and advice. I can't say how much it means to me.

1 year, 2 months agoskjaldmeyja posted comment on JUSTNOMIL.
May 26, 2018

Please, please, PLEASE hear me out on this.

My husband and I went through the Valley of the Shadow of Death in our marriage almost 10 years ago, and a huge part of it was him and his mom separately gaslighting and passive aggressively manipulating me.

The most important lesson I learned in that year from hell was LISTEN TO YOUR INTUITION. There is no tool more powerful for you right now than the quiet voice in the back of your mind saying, "Something doesn't seem right about this...". At times it may be confusing because 'So-and-so would never say or do that!', but I promise you that you have an amazing mind and parts of it are working 24/7 processing all the data you receive and finding the patterns you could never consciously think through.

I saw warning sign for over five years before everything blew up, and I ignored every single one of them because I didn't want to deal with the potential fallout.

From everything you've said your MIL is 100% aware of what she's doing, she's CHOOSING to do this, she's been playing the long game, and that's terrifying.

But you know what? It's ok to be terrified. Number one, it means you are now both aware of what's going on and you're not ignoring or minimizing it, which in turn means you can now work to handle the situation. Number two, CC had broken her facade. The poet Maya Angelou summed it up perfectly when she said, >When someone shows you who they are, believe them."

MIL has not only been explicitly clear about what she thinks of you, but she has done so in front of multiple witnesses (and possibly security cameras-- might want to get copies of video if possible). Neither her, D(amn)H, or anyone else can gaslight you about this.

If you can get a copy of "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin Dr Becker. Its arguably the most recommended book on JNMIL, and I think it would do you a world of good.

You are handling all of this so well, especially while expecting DD. Take time to take care of yourself and kiddos, and know that you are not alone in all of this. (hugs, if wanted)

Flight Anxiety [R]

1 year, 3 months agowasabicupcakes posted submission on Anxiety.
May 19, 2018

My anxiety has been pretty bad lately, and it doesn't help that I'm taking a long flight tomorrow. I used to be fine with flying when I was younger, but now, I'm frozen with fear about planes. Bad thoughts are constantly going through my head during and before the flight. My flight leaves tomorrow, but I'm sitting here on the verge of an anxiety attack, and I'm trying to calm myself down but I feel helpless.

If anyone could give me suggestions about dealing with this flight anxiety, that would be appreciated. Thank you.

1 year, 3 months agowasabicupcakes posted comment on Anxiety.
May 20, 2018

Gavin de Becker in his book "The Gift of Fear" says that flying is one the safest forms of transportation. Its the drive to the airport that you should worry about. : )

https://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835/ref=sr11?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1526798444&sr=1-1&keywords=the+gift+of+fear

Does anyone else constantly worry about things that are statistically very unlikely? [R]

1 year, 3 months agowasabicupcakes posted submission on Anxiety.
May 18, 2018

For example, I almost always worry about what if there's a bomb planted at my job or under my car, what if a semi blows through a red light and turns me into paste, what if I get framed and sent to prison, what if I have cancer right now without knowing it, what if my cats get cancer, etc.

I know these things are pretty unlikely but I worry about them like they're about to happen. I'm surprised I still have a stomach lining.

1 year, 3 months agowasabicupcakes posted comment on Anxiety.
May 19, 2018

Read: https://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1526709004&sr=8-1&keywords=the+gift+of+fear

He talks about what we fear and what we should really fear. For example, you are much more likely to die in an auto accident on any given day and most people never give driving a second thought.

FMIL wished me dead [R]

1 year, 3 months agoIlostmyratfairy posted submission on JUSTNOMIL.
May 7, 2018

I’ll start this off by saying I love this sub/all the support y’all give, but this is my first post here so my formatting will probably be shit.

Anyways, my FDH and I have been together for five years now (met in highschool and are in our early twenties now.) and his mother has always hated me. She’s the type of woman who dislikes everyone who isn’t her precious baby boy or her golden child daughter. FDH’s family is very wealthy and very white and I am not. I’m Latina and I grew up with everything I needed but nothing more and that was perfectly fine. She however is not fine with that and doesn’t think I’m good enough for “her baby”. FSIL at the moment thinks the same (she goes back and forth with me because she’s insane.) There’s a LOT of stories I could tell but most recently and most hurtfully I received a text from FMIL “by mistake” but I suspect it was no mistake. The text read: “I want to text hellobrebear and tell her I wish her dead and that she is undermining FDH’s success in life. Maybe she will get in a car wreck and die.” with the fingers crossed emoji and a smiley face... I was shocked and had no idea what to say. Immediately after I received another text stating that the message was meant for FSIL and FFIL. I was seeing red, and also weirdly sad about it. When I told FDH he was sympathetic but he’s so used to his moms unacceptable behavior that he doesn’t see much wrong with it and just ignores it. It’s putting a strain on our relationship at this point. Just needed to vent and maybe some advice if anyone has some. Thanks!

1 year, 3 months agoIlostmyratfairy posted comment on JUSTNOMIL.
May 7, 2018

I just saw where you said she works with prisoners as a psychologist. That is frankly terrifying. Contact her superiors and possibly an attorney to see what legal recourse you have to protect yourself from her.

Edited to add: Please consider reading Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear. Do not ignore your inner worries when they start dinging this loudly.

On August 21, 1976, 10 year old Angelo Puglisi had spent a long summer day at the local pool with his best friend and her older brother. Shortly after the two children returned home before he did, Angelo had vanished, and his remains have never been found. [R]

1 year, 3 months agowanttoplayball posted submission on UnresolvedMysteries.
April 28, 2018

10 year old Angelo Puglisi, known to his family and friends as Andy, was last seen at Higgins Memorial Pool in Lawrence, Massachusetts, on August 21, 1976. Andy was only 100 yards away from home, a community housing complex with hundreds of other children Andy knew well. Andy was said to be likable, kind, and intelligent. His close friend, 9 year old Melanie Perkins, was at the swimming pool with Andy on the evening of his disappearance. Nearing 6 PM, Melanie had asked Andy to walk her home, but Andy wished to swim a little longer. Melanie's older brother eventually caught up with Melanie and accompanied her back home, Andy being left alone. Andy was last seen by the lifeguard walking on the premises surrounding the pool at approximately 5:45. This would be the last time Andy would be seen.

In August of 1975, a year earlier, two young boys who had been at the same pool where Andy was last seen, aged 10 and 11, were approached by Wayne W. Chapman, pleading the boys help him find his lost poodle in the nearby woods. The two boys followed, and were sodomized by the offender. The two boys later reported that they had heard a 'clicking' noise close by, most likely from that of a camera, though they couldn't see another individual. One month after Andy's disappearance, Wayne W. Chapman was arrested for a firearms violation in NY during a routine traffic stop. Upon searching his vehicle by reasonable suspicion due to having polaroid photos of underage boys posed nude lying on his dashboard, police uncovered a cache of child pornography, rope, tape, handcuffs, camera equipment, a fake police badge, and a starter’s pistol.

Shortly before Andy's disappearance, Andy returned home with a few polaroid photos that had been taken of him and given to him by an unidentified man. His mother took the polaroids from him and told Andy that he should never let anyone he doesn't know take his photo. Chapman was detained and interrogated by police from several states, counting for multiple charges including sexual battery upon a minor, and murder. Chapman had sodomized several children in a 4-H club in Providence, RI. Chapman was charged for the murder of 6 year old David Louison missing from Brockton, MA, since 1974. Based upon a confession from Chapman, police searched the Brockton area for David's remains, though unfortunately nothing had been recovered. Chapman was ultimately found guilty for the rape of the two Lawrence boys. The court sentenced Chapman to two concurrent 15 to 30 year sentences. Chapman, however, was not convicted for the murder charge of David Louison, citing 'no bills', or a lack of evidence.

In June of 1980, another person of interest in Andy's disappearance, Charles Pierce, had plead guilty to the 2nd degree murder charge of 13 year old Michelle Wilson. Pierce told investigators he was responsible for 15-20 child murders since 1954. In 1988, Lawrence police captain received a letter from a state trooper involved with Pierce. The letter stated that Pierce has confessed to the murder of a Lawrence boy, prompting LE to investigate. However, for reasons unknown Lawrence police never questioned Pierce.

All of the information above was essentially discovered by Andy's childhood friend Melanie Perkins, one of the last few to see Andy on the day of his disappearance. Melanie Perkins had been directing and filming her debut documentary 'Have You Seen Andy?' for seven years throughout the late 90s and early 2000s. The film was released in 2007 on HBO and continued to air for 5 years. Upon searching police files in Lawrence, Melanie was the one who had uncovered the letter regarding Pierce's confession in February, 1999. After contacting Pierce to schedule an interview by the end of the month, Pierce passed away of prostate cancer only days later. Melanie learned that Pierce was not in prison when Andy disappeared and that he told police he was acquainted with Chapman and had seen him from time to time in Lawrence.

After requesting an interview with Chapman, Melanie meets with him at prison in Shirley, MA. Chapman denied any involvement in Andy's disappearance and claimed to have never been to Lawrence, despite he was convicted of the rape of two Lawrence boys that he had lured away in 1975. After having uncovered one of Chapman's personal videotapes, he is seen stalking a school bus, filming the children inside. He is heard making sexually obscene comments and states that he would like to 'snatch' one of the children.

One man claims that he was 4 years old when he and Andy were abducted by Chapman together at the pool that day. Chapman had allegedly asked multiple children to help him find his lost puppy when Andy and the boy agreed. They were then lured into the woods until Andy saw another man hiding by bushes and became frightened, screaming to the little boy that he has to run away. Running behind him, Andy pushed the little boy further so he can cross a longer distance, though when the boy stopped to turn around, Andy had already been grabbed by two men, and was being pinned down on a large rock. The little boy told his mother what had happened, but she didn’t believe him. He is featured in the documentary and tells of his experiences and his suffering. Melanie recalls that while listening to the audio tapes that Chapman recorded regarding his fantasies about what he would like to do with young boys, he recalls a time where he took a boy away from the pool along with a "much younger boy."

Today, after having completed his prison sentence in 2004, Chapman remains "still sexually dangerous" in a treatment center where he will not be relased back into the community unless a judge deems him as unlikely to pose a threat to society.

Montana police arrested Nathaniel BarJonah in the disappearance of 10 year old Zachary Ramsay. BarJonah is a Massachusetts resident and known sexual predator previously held at the Massachusetts Treatment Center for the rape of several children in the Bridgewater, MA area.

Fragments from a child’s bones were found in BarJonah’s garage along with a list of several boys from a camp in Webster, MA and a recipe for ‘little boy stew’. It is alleged BarJonah has cannibalized children. BarJonah was charged with Zachary's abduction and murder in 2000. BarJonah bragged to the authorities that he had "hunted" Zachary and cannibalized several children, amongst other grisly claims. There was no solid evidence to tie BarJonah to Andy's disappearance.

The search for Andy continues and his case remains open.

Links:

http://charleyproject.org/case/angelo-gene-puglisi

http://www.haveyouseenandy.com/

http://www.thevanishedpodcast.com/episodes/2016/6/10/episode-29-andy-puglisi

1 year, 3 months agowanttoplayball posted comment on UnresolvedMysteries.
April 30, 2018

If you haven't already, read The Gift of Fear. The author talks about not ignoring those subconscious messages we get when our brains detect danger.

1 year, 3 months agoFey_fox posted submission on TwoXSex.
April 25, 2018

[removed]

1 year, 3 months agoFey_fox posted comment on TwoXSex.
April 25, 2018

I heard vaguely this trend was resurfacing. Sounds to me like your 18 yr old hasn’t figured out yet that getting attention for being overly sexual and showing off your assets or your underwear doesn’t mean they like you for you. This is definitely attention seeking behavior. If she wants to be seen as smart or funny or a class act, she should be aware whale tales aren’t it. It’s definitely trashy.

I’m kinda for the mommy whale tale adventure. There’s nothing wrong with a thong, but you wear yours appropriately.

Another thing I would do if you can is to get any men or her peers to weigh in on the idea. Maybe find more videos like this. https://youtu.be/2eK55COvu6Y Her mom’s opinion may not be what she wants to hear, but if she sees other people, especially those she wants to attract as seeing it as trashy maybe that will slow her down.

Yes it’s her body, but how she presents herself and what she decides to do with it has consequences. People won’t respect her if she can’t dress appropriately

Because she’s in danger of exhibiting risk taking behavior. I would suggest you get her this book. The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440508835/ref=cmswrcpapiiS0u4AbERX802A don’t say it’s because of the thong thing or because she’s hitting on guys much older than her. It’s an easy read an I suggest it to all young people.

Good luck

A Thought Experiment [R]

1 year, 6 months agoHeather4567 posted submission on Gangstalking.
Feb. 11, 2018

How could the misuse of Nuero-Linguistic Programming and unethical hypnosis be used on a target while they drive?

1 year, 6 months agoHeather4567 posted comment on Gangstalking.
Feb. 11, 2018

Here is a link to a book my counselor recommended https://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1518390076&sr=8-1&keywords=the+gift+of+fear+book

The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker [R]

1 year, 6 months agoAnilxe posted submission on creepyPMs.
Jan. 30, 2018

The Gift Of Fear a book on trusting your intuition!

Hi guys, I have permission from the mods to post this, I just got this book and I’m only two chapters in but it already has me learning more about trusting myself and my instincts, this can save a lot of us here, we can laugh in this sub but there also those terrifying posts about creepy coworkers, Uber drivers, blackmailing, threats and even more so I’m just suggesting you try to get this book any chance you can, I bought mine at my local bookstore and you can try yours but there is also Barnes and Noble(Where I was originally getting it) I just want you all to be safe and to trust yourself even it’s just trusting yourself to block someone, I love you guys stay safe❤️

The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker :)

1 year, 6 months agoAnilxe posted comment on creepyPMs.
Jan. 30, 2018

They exchanged vows and rings but they weren’t married, N.L. court rules [R]

1 year, 8 months agoDec. 4, 2017
1 year, 8 months agoVelvetJustice posted comment on canada.
Dec. 4, 2017

Yep. Unfortunately there's a lot of people out there who will heartlessly exploit someone for personal gain in a relationship, and often the victim doesn't realize they've been had until they've been discarded in favour of the next victim (as it appears to be in this case).

There's a lot of books out there that help people identify malicious people, so that they can be safely rejected before they manage to wriggle their way into our lives to cause havoc. I'd personally recommend (for starters):

The Gift of Fear

Dangerous Personalities

I think I was almost the victim of human trafficking. [R]

1 year, 9 months agolefteyedspy posted submission on LetsNotMeet.
Nov. 22, 2017

This happened in May of 2015, in CA which will help those of you who are familiar.

I had graduated college in June of 2014, moved back to my old home town, and started a consulting company with my boyfriend which was going very well. We had just finished a contract in the Bay Area, and were beginning a new one about 8 hours south in Torrance. He moved down there first to start setting up, while I took care of loose ends at our closing contract before moving down to meet him.

The day comes and I pack my car and head south down the I-5, for the uninitiated, it's a straight highway with little in the way of scenery aside from the occasional strip mall, and its monotony has a reputation for putting drivers to sleep at the wheel.

I pass a strip mall with gas and a fast food joint, and decide to fill my car and my stomach. I go to park in the food venue's parking lot, but it's completely full so I park across the street at a hotel, which at the time I didn't think anything of.

I go inside and eat my meal, then cross the street to get back to my car. I'm well into the hotel parking lot when a pick up truck pulls down the aisle and cuts off my path and stops, with the passenger's side facing me. The driver is alone, and a clean cut white male in his mid 30s. I don't remember anything about him except that he looked very generic and buttoned up.

The way he pulled in front of me to block my path didn't initially set off alarm bells, as he has done it pretty organically. He rolls down the window and the dialogue follows:

"Excuse me, miss, but could you please tell me where the grocery store in town is?"

"I'm sorry, I'm not from here so I couldn't say."

"Oh? Where are you from?"

"Um, good question. I don't know, not here though."
I didn't say that to be rude, I had just moved through so many cities at that point and was on my way to a new one, I wasn't sure how to answer.

He laughs and makes a joke, then asks me where I'm headed. I mention that I'm moving.

I will say, he was very charismatic and at this point I just think he's trying to flirt with me, and if I hadn't been so exhausted or in a relationship, on another day it might have worked.

He makes another comment about how unpleasant moving can be (damn straight), and then gives a warm chuckle and extends his hand to shake mine and goes "well I'm glad I got to meet you, I'm Scott."

If you recall, the truck is in front of me with the passenger's side facing me. I actually take a step forward to grab his hand, and then got the delayed response of every alarm bell that should have gone off earlier.

  • I'm in a hotel parking lot.

  • He asked me a question that establishes I don't know where I am.

  • Another question that establishes I'm alone.

  • Another question that establishes I'm not expected at my destination for many more hours.

The thing that connected all these synapses? When he extended his hand, he didn't make even the faintest effort to make it accessible to me. He didn't lean over the seat or move toward me in any way, his hand was hovering comfortably over the center console waiting for me to grasp it, which in order to do I would have had to lean well into the car.

Again, I had already taken a step toward him and begun to raise my hand to take his when the sirens went off. I rocked backwards back to where I was standing, and I just remember looking in his eyes for what felt like forever feeling everything click into place while also half convinced my imagination was just running wild.

His hand still waiting, I lowered mine and felt my eyes slightly narrow with suspicion, and slowly said "I'm going to walk away from your car now, Scott."

Boom.

Truck burns rubber with thick gray smoke as the guy guns it out of the hotel lot at 100mph. He must have fucking floored it.

Regrettably smart on his end, because I didn't have the license number or anything to offer the police.

In the immediate minutes following the event, I felt relieved but hadn't really processed the full weight of what happened. Unfortunately for me, I had many more hours to think back and analyze the whole interaction to shreds.

The car was somewhat lifted, there could have easily been another person, or even 2-3 other people, hiding inside.

Would he have pulled me in? Would I have been injected with something?

Then my mind just kept creating all these scenarios where I wake up hours later, and nobody would even know where in my drive I went missing or possibly not notice for most of the day.

I still get creeped out thinking about how close I came to taking his hand, and how fortunate I was that I didn't allow my reaction to be driven by manners, as criminals often take advantage of.

So "Scott", let's definitely not meet again.

1 year, 9 months agolefteyedspy posted comment on LetsNotMeet.
Nov. 23, 2017

It’s probably recommended here all the time, but there’s a wonderful book called The Gift of Fear which teaches the importance of trusting your gut instinct in these situations. You and OP did that well, and it probably saved you.

I Walked to the Mall today [R]

1 year, 10 months agoOct. 23, 2017

[deleted]

1 year, 10 months agowasabicupcakes posted comment on Anxiety.
Oct. 23, 2017

<pre> Actually makes me wonder if the only people without any fears are newborns... </pre>

That is the current theory. Most fears are actually learned either directly or by proxy.

There is a book called "The Gift of Fear" which is rather interesting. The author is a fear expert and he tells us what we are afraid of and what we really should be afraid of: two different conversations.

https://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835/ref=sr11/133-4085388-0693439?ie=UTF8&qid=1508804392&sr=8-1&keywords=the+gift+of+fear

Simple protection spell? [R]

1 year, 10 months agoOct. 7, 2017

[deleted]

1 year, 10 months agoFey_fox posted comment on pagan.
Oct. 7, 2017

You don’t need to buy anything. You could cast a circle and charge a piece of jewelry you already possess or make a charm bag filled with a bit of salt and any other small things or stones that you’ve found or already have and carry that with you. I can’t offer specifics because I’m not sure of what Your path is. Most spells you find online are Wicca based but you can adapt the basic structure to suit you. If the Egyptian pantheon is your bag here are some prayers you can check out. Anubis being the god of the underworld and protector of the dead, well others don’t seem to have written much regarding rituals or prayers to him to protect the living. closest I can find is this. You could meditate on that and write your own if that feels appropriate. Another thing you could do is come up with a short mantra you repeat to yourself when you feel like you’re in danger. Something short you can remember. It doesn’t have to rhyme or be clever btw.

A thing about magic is it requires practical application as well as the ritual. Like if you cast a ‘get a job’ spell, it wouldn’t really work unless you actually applied for jobs. Magic without doing stuff in the real world to support the magic is just as effective as wishing.

Practical stuff. Stay in populated areas. Don’t carry a weapon that can be taken from and used against you. You don’t say what these situations are. If they are dates never meet new people alone, and have a friend you can contact at an appointed time to check in with. They should know where abc who you’re meeting as well as their. Info. If you don’t text or respond to their texts at the appointed time they are to call the police. If this is happening in public, go into the nearest store or place you can and find an employee. If they follow you in tell them you’re being harassed and to call the police.

There’s a book I would strongly suggest you read, it’s called The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence. It’s thick but it’s an easy read. I think it should be read by all young adults honestly (and I don’t recommend many books like this so widely).

So yeah, charge a charm bag or jewelry that makes you feel empowered. There are a shit-ton of pagan-Wicca websites that go over the basics of how to do that if you don’t know how. Imho sounds to me like you need to do your own research to find out what works for you. Ritual isn’t like s recipe card. There’s no right/wrong way, just what’s right or wrong for you. What’s important is you connect with it. If you have no idea how to come up with a ritual, you can start by learning about sympathetic magic which is the most common type and get creative with energy work, even if it’s just charging and lighting a candle.

I hope that helps. I know you probably wanted something more specific but imho magic needs to be tailored to and by the user. I don’t know your path or how familiar you are with ritual structure or energy work, but… intent is key with magic. Stuff can help set the mood or direct intention but there’s no need to buy anything if you don’t want to.

Stay safe, good luck.

[Vent] Nasty surprises in hookup culture [R]

1 year, 11 months agoIBetYouveNever posted submission on sex.
Sept. 7, 2017

I'm a 23yo pan male who has been using apps and sites for pretty much the entirety of my sexual history. I have dealt with my share of flakes and weirdos, but I am still finding it difficult to understand the kind of person who completely resets the boundaries of an encounter at the last minute. I had my first taste of this when one hookup partner lead me right past his apartment into a public stairwell. The amount of people who will only reveal you signed up for a threesome on your arrival is staggering. This reached its peak with one guy's failure to mention he was meeting me at a meth orgy in a stranger's house. These people were ostensibly normal in conversation, so how thorough does my vetting process need to be to avoid this shit?

1 year, 11 months agoIBetYouveNever posted on sex.
Sept. 7, 2017

Read The Gift Of Fear, which is all about how our "gut feeling", or "BS radar", is tuned to notice people who operate according to different social norms.

Then realize that very few of these senses work online. You need eye contact. You need personal interaction. Meet somewhere physical, in public, in order for your gut feeling to have a chance to work.

Student Voices: My class talked with a Trump supporter. Here’s what I learned. [R]

1 year, 11 months agostef_bee posted submission on politics.
Sept. 7, 2017
1 year, 11 months agostef_bee posted on politics.
Sept. 7, 2017

>I heard Machala say that his faith in Trump didn’t falter after the release of the Access Hollywood tape, which shows Trump making misogynist comments about women.

>I was so upset, I had to run out of the room to calm myself down. After a few minutes of deep breaths, I realized that he felt as strongly about his beliefs as I do about mine and I should respect him.

This is very frustrating to read. A young girl was clearly given "The Gift of Fear;" reacted strongly to a 22 year old man right in front of her defending sexual predatory behavior and assault; got physically sick from it - as she should have - and then rationalized it away.

She does not "have to respect him," because him saying that to the class clearly shows that he doesn't respect her.

My wife and I recently had an unsettling experience with a creepy Airbnb guest. How can we be more assertive in the future? [R]

1 year, 11 months agoLavernicaDeLuca posted submission on TwoXChromosomes.
Aug. 30, 2017

I posted about this experience in r/airbnb and several people mentioned that I need to learn how to be more assertive to prevent these things from happening, but when I'm in a scary situation like this, I find it difficult to just say "no" and move on.

I just had a guest that left me and my wife feeling extremely uncomfortable. I called airbnb and am waiting to hear back from a case manager regarding this guest.

My wife and I are lesbians, both college-aged, and that is something I subtly mention in my profile to discourage discriminative guests. I believe our middle-aged guest, Abdul, was trying to act on some fantasy of his with us. When he first arrived, he did not bring any of his luggage to the door with him, which I thought was a little weird, but I shrugged it off. He came inside and pretty much insisted that we sit down and talk with him for well over 30 minutes. He asked us all sorts of questions about our lives. This was a little weird to us because most guests just say hi and that's it. Looking back on it, I think he was trying to scope us out before deciding he wanted to stay with us. After talking to us, he finally went to grab his luggage and a gift he had for us, a large bottle of hard liquor. Once again, we just shrugged it off as this guy just being nice.

I should mention that Abdul is an airbnb host himself. He owns several large mansions that he rents out for very high prices. He said he was a doctor and it was obvious that he was wealthy (he kept bragging about it), which made us wonder why he decided to book a room at our little $40 a night condo. Anyway, Abdul insisted that we go to lunch with him. My wife and I are pushovers, and while we thought this was weird, we weren't super creeped out yet so we said yes. While we were at lunch, Abdul started making plans for us to watch a movie with him back at our condo. We were trying to come up with excuses not to, but he kept working around them. He also said that he had booked two other places for the next two nights but, since he liked us, he cancelled them and insisted on staying with us and paying us cash for the extra days. We tried to say we'd be out of town the next day, but he said something along the lines of, "that's perfect, then when you get back you can spend time with me." I then told him that we were considering staying an extra day and he told me no very sternly because he "would be lonely." He also kept joking about staying up late with us and partying (no doubt, with the alcohol he gave us). At this point, we were really starting to feel uncomfortable but we felt sort of stuck because he kept working around the excuses we were making.

On the way home, he made us get a movie to watch with him on our couch. While we were watching it, Abdul kept getting closer and closer to my wife. At one point, he put his arm behind her while not quite touching her. I started texting my father to let him know what was going on and requested his help with the situation. Abdul told me twice to put my phone down and watch the movie, so I excused myself to go to the restroom and called my father. When I returned, I found Abdul massaging my wife's feet with her foot on his thigh. My wife looked terrified and helpless. She later told me that he did not ask to touch her, he just started playing doctor and pretended like something was wrong with her foot. I told Abdul that my father was coming to pick up some mail and he put my wife's foot down after a few minutes.

Once my father came in and introduced himself (he is very intimidating), Abdul's demeanor completely changed. He became very quiet and did not look at my father once. He looked like a puppy that had just got caught doing something bad. My father was able to pretend that my wife and I had plans with him and we ended up packing our stuff and stayed at his house for the night. He also told Abdul that he could not stay two extra nights at the condo like he wanted to. On our way out of the condo, Abdul kept asking when we would be back because he wanted to spend time with us. Abdul tried calling me the next morning, but I just texted him to leave the keys on the counter and pretended like we weren't completely uncomfortable with everything he did.

I realize that my wife and I should have been more stern with Abdul, but in the moment, we felt so helpless because he was so persistent and overbearing. After this happened, we had considered just not doing Airbnb anymore. But I don't want to resort to that just because my wife and I are pushovers who have a hard time saying no. What should we have done differently in this situation and what can we do in the future to prevent this kind of thing from happening to us?

TLDR; Creepy middle-aged doctor booked a room with me and my wife (college-aged lesbians). He became increasingly persistent that we spend all our time with him and started massaging my wife's feet without asking her. What can we do in the future to prevent these things from happening?

EDIT: I appreciate all of the helpful advice that I have been given. I have learned from this that we have to say no without offering an excuse and without being afraid to do so. I will also be purchasing The Gift of Fear at the recommendation of many users.

EDIT 2: I've had two users say they have had issues with the same guy being inappropriate with them. I'm hoping we can get him kicked off of Airbnb at the very least.

1 year, 11 months agoLavernicaDeLuca posted on TwoXChromosomes.
Aug. 30, 2017

That mod must have been mistaken then. The ref= in Amazon links often confuse people because they assume that ref means referral but Amazon affiliate links have tag={insertcodehere}-20 in them. Also, watch out for people who use short links, they're often doing that to hide an affiliate link. If you have any doubt, strip a link back to just after the product number. So in the case of the link posted above, you'd strip it back to https://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835/

That's a plain, direct link with no tags whatsoever.

My wife and I recently had an unsettling experience with a creepy Airbnb guest. How can we be more assertive in the future? [R]

1 year, 11 months agoDuckula305 posted submission on TwoXChromosomes.
Aug. 30, 2017

I posted about this experience in r/airbnb and several people mentioned that I need to learn how to be more assertive to prevent these things from happening, but when I'm in a scary situation like this, I find it difficult to just say "no" and move on.

I just had a guest that left me and my wife feeling extremely uncomfortable. I called airbnb and am waiting to hear back from a case manager regarding this guest.

My wife and I are lesbians, both college-aged, and that is something I subtly mention in my profile to discourage discriminative guests. I believe our middle-aged guest, Abdul, was trying to act on some fantasy of his with us. When he first arrived, he did not bring any of his luggage to the door with him, which I thought was a little weird, but I shrugged it off. He came inside and pretty much insisted that we sit down and talk with him for well over 30 minutes. He asked us all sorts of questions about our lives. This was a little weird to us because most guests just say hi and that's it. Looking back on it, I think he was trying to scope us out before deciding he wanted to stay with us. After talking to us, he finally went to grab his luggage and a gift he had for us, a large bottle of hard liquor. Once again, we just shrugged it off as this guy just being nice.

I should mention that Abdul is an airbnb host himself. He owns several large mansions that he rents out for very high prices. He said he was a doctor and it was obvious that he was wealthy (he kept bragging about it), which made us wonder why he decided to book a room at our little $40 a night condo. Anyway, Abdul insisted that we go to lunch with him. My wife and I are pushovers, and while we thought this was weird, we weren't super creeped out yet so we said yes. While we were at lunch, Abdul started making plans for us to watch a movie with him back at our condo. We were trying to come up with excuses not to, but he kept working around them. He also said that he had booked two other places for the next two nights but, since he liked us, he cancelled them and insisted on staying with us and paying us cash for the extra days. We tried to say we'd be out of town the next day, but he said something along the lines of, "that's perfect, then when you get back you can spend time with me." I then told him that we were considering staying an extra day and he told me no very sternly because he "would be lonely." He also kept joking about staying up late with us and partying (no doubt, with the alcohol he gave us). At this point, we were really starting to feel uncomfortable but we felt sort of stuck because he kept working around the excuses we were making.

On the way home, he made us get a movie to watch with him on our couch. While we were watching it, Abdul kept getting closer and closer to my wife. At one point, he put his arm behind her while not quite touching her. I started texting my father to let him know what was going on and requested his help with the situation. Abdul told me twice to put my phone down and watch the movie, so I excused myself to go to the restroom and called my father. When I returned, I found Abdul massaging my wife's feet with her foot on his thigh. My wife looked terrified and helpless. She later told me that he did not ask to touch her, he just started playing doctor and pretended like something was wrong with her foot. I told Abdul that my father was coming to pick up some mail and he put my wife's foot down after a few minutes.

Once my father came in and introduced himself (he is very intimidating), Abdul's demeanor completely changed. He became very quiet and did not look at my father once. He looked like a puppy that had just got caught doing something bad. My father was able to pretend that my wife and I had plans with him and we ended up packing our stuff and stayed at his house for the night. He also told Abdul that he could not stay two extra nights at the condo like he wanted to. On our way out of the condo, Abdul kept asking when we would be back because he wanted to spend time with us. Abdul tried calling me the next morning, but I just texted him to leave the keys on the counter and pretended like we weren't completely uncomfortable with everything he did.

I realize that my wife and I should have been more stern with Abdul, but in the moment, we felt so helpless because he was so persistent and overbearing. After this happened, we had considered just not doing Airbnb anymore. But I don't want to resort to that just because my wife and I are pushovers who have a hard time saying no. What should we have done differently in this situation and what can we do in the future to prevent this kind of thing from happening to us?

TLDR; Creepy middle-aged doctor booked a room with me and my wife (college-aged lesbians). He became increasingly persistent that we spend all our time with him and started massaging my wife's feet without asking her. What can we do in the future to prevent these things from happening?

EDIT: I appreciate all of the helpful advice that I have been given. I have learned from this that we have to say no without offering an excuse and without being afraid to do so. I will also be purchasing The Gift of Fear at the recommendation of many users.

EDIT 2: I've had two users say they have had issues with the same guy being inappropriate with them. I'm hoping we can get him kicked off of Airbnb at the very least.

1 year, 11 months agoDuckula305 posted on TwoXChromosomes.
Aug. 30, 2017

Here's an amazon link!

https://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1504112295&sr=8-1&keywords=the+gift+of+fear

I always sit facing the door, from years of reading stories about heroes and dangerous men, trained by experts to always be on their guard. But who's going to jump a middle-aged dad at a suburban Starbucks ? [R]

2 years agoEragar posted submission on Showerthoughts.
July 30, 2017
2 years agoEragar posted on Showerthoughts.
July 31, 2017

Jeff Cooper created a "color code" to help people in potentially dangerous situations get into a fighting mindset. The system has since been bastardized to instead represent different levels of vigilance or situational awareness to potential threats and is now in widespread use among military, law enforcement, and self defense communities.

Condition White is where most people are most of the time--completely unaware of changes in the environment around them. If you're staring at your phone, have your headphones in, or are otherwise engrossed in work or leisure you're in Condition White and you're probably gonna die if an active killer shows up.

Condition Yellow is where an alert and aware person is when they haven't detected any specific threats. You're head comes up when someone enters the room or moves into your line of sight. Condition Yellow is where you ideally want to spend most of your time.

Condition Orange is the point where you've identified something specific that might be a threat, but you aren't completely sure yet. Something unusual has caught your attention and you are now consciously paying attention to it (example would be two men entering a store late at night with masks covering their faces--not necessarily dangerous, but it very well might be) and looking for pre-attack indicators. This is the point when you'll start moving to a more tactically advantageous position (either to run or to fight). Normalcy bias will prevent many people from ever reaching Condition Orange.
Staying in Condition Orange creates burnout very quickly, and you want to identify whether or not what you noticed is actually a threat so that you can move back to Condition Yellow or escalate into Condition Red (as appropriate).

Condition Red is the point where you have confirmed an imminent threat and the object of your attention is now a potential target. You are either drawing your weapon or running the fuck away.

Some people have also added a Condition Black, which can refer to either the moment you actually attack, the aftermath of the situation, or a number of other things.

If you want to learn more about the subject I highly recommend the books The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker and On Killing by Dave Grossman.

Date #1 sniffed my hair. [R]

2 years, 1 month agoceebee6 posted submission on datingoverthirty.
July 5, 2017

Met a guy from OLD last night. He's super smart, successful and reasonably attractive. Conversation is interesting.

He sniffed my hair and told me it smelled nice. He wanted to hold hands, I hesitated. When he wanted to sit on a bench in a secluded area in the park I insisted on walking around and checking out the crowded areas.

He asked me out for Saturday. Not sure how I feel about this. He seems okay, but he needs to slow down with the touching. I just met him!

Edit: he invited me to choose either: 1) an open air concert near his place or 2) movie night at his place

2 years, 1 month agoceebee6 posted on datingoverthirty.
July 5, 2017

...what is your gut telling you? Is your gut telling you "Hell yes!", or is your gut putting up some caution flags?

From the way you wrote your post and responded in the comments it seems like you're not feeling completely comfortable with this guy. One thing I've learned through life (and by reading Gift of Fear ) is to listen to my gut instincts.

If you really want to give it another shot, suggest a place or activity you'd be comfortable with. But if you're gut is telling you no or you're feeling a bit uncomfortable, then you don't owe this guy a second chance.

The man across the road is making me uncomfortable [R]

2 years, 4 months agomclb223 posted submission on Advice.
April 2, 2017

I'm asking this question here because I don't know where to post it plus an encounter just happened and I'm freaked out. So since the start of 2017, I've seemed to attracted the attention of the old man living across the road. The first time I even saw him, he was sitting outside on the gutter while I was having a cigarette waiting for a friend to come over. A day or so after that night, he asked me over to dinner, saying he had just moved in and wanted to get to know the neighbours. Which to me is fine, but he only asked me. I have others living in my house not to mention he lives it an apartment complex, so he has plenty of other neighbours to ask. I told him maybe some other time which was definitely a big mistake on my part. I gave him hope that I will have dinner with him someday. I thought if I just said that he'd forget about it but apparently he has elephant memory. A few weeks after that he comes over again, this time asking he he could bum a couple of smokes off of me which he gave me $2 for. In between the first initial encounter and that moment I would see him sitting outside on the gutter which is in direct line of where I sit to have a smoke. After I gave him a few smokes I thought he would leave because honestly he gives me an uneasy feeling but he didn', he brought up the goddamn dinner again like asking what my favourite food is so he can make it (which is important later on by the way) I just laughed it off and said I had to go inside which I did. Now, my favourite food is rice pudding and i didnt disclose that to him at all. I came home one day to my brother telling me the guy from across the road dropped off rice pudding for me, which is insane because the only way he would know if he's seen me at the local grocery store (which is around the corner mind you) stocking up on rice pudding. The final face to face encounter I made it abundantly clear that I do NOT want to have dinner with him and have tried to avoid him ever since. Since then he's been sitting outside on the gutter waiting for me, and when I don't come out he'll go back inside. One time he even came to my house without my knowledge, gave me $2 and a couple of smokes which unnerved me to no end. And the final encounter happened not even 30 minutes ago, its 4:30 in the morning where I live and I heard his distinct flip flops coming down his driveway so I bolted inside and I continued to hear his flip flops on my deck til a knock on the door. At 4:30 in the morning on a Monday. I don't know why but since our first meeting he's given me this uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach and some of the shit he's done has raised some red flags to me personally. I just want to know if this feeling is unwarranted and I'm overreacting. If not what do I do? I've told him no and stopped all contact with him, but that seemed to make things worse. I'm at the point where I have to ask my brother and dad to come outside with me (which is another little tibid, he doesn't like to hang around when they're here with me.)

2 years, 4 months agomclb223 posted on Advice.
April 2, 2017

Please trust your gut feelings. If he gives you bad vibes, there's a chance your instincts are trying to tell you something.

The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker is an amazing read that's all about this, following your instincts and listening to the messages your subconscious mind can send you. I highly recommend it, it can put your mind at ease in terms of how to evaluate your own feelings (it's VERY easy to develop a habit of diminishing our feelings by thinking we are overreacting--but we shouldn't do that to ourselves!).

recent AMA: Jack Barsky, author of "Deep Undercover: My Secret Life and Tangled Allegiances as a KGB Spy in America" [R]

2 years, 4 months ago[deleted] posted submission on Intelligence.
March 28, 2017
2 years, 4 months ago[deleted] posted on Intelligence.
March 29, 2017

I thought this was a valuable bit of insight:

>Q. Do you believe intuition or gut feelings are useful or reliable feelings? If yes, what is an example of that in your life?

>A. "Gut feelings" are fundamentally subconscious assessments by your brain of recurring patterns. Therefore, the more experience you have, the more valid your "gut". I came to that conclusion at age 50 when I had an opportunity to fire a guy who my gut hated but my conscious brain could not find anything wrong with. My gut was right - this guy eventually succeeded in destroying the department I had built.

So true. I'm sure many people here have read works by Gavin de Becker like "The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence"--but here's another excellent resource you may not have heard of:

Left of Bang: How the Marine Corps' Combat Hunter Program Can Save Your Life

>“"It's better to detect sinister intentions early than respond to violent actions late."

>That is how Gavin de Becker, author of the bestselling book, The Gift of Fear, describes the importance of situational awareness. Now, a new 200-page book captures the concepts of a Marine Corps training program focused on the life-saving importance of situational awareness.

>The book’s title, Left of Bang, is a reference to the timeline of a deadly force incident. "Bang" is when shots are fired, the attack begins, or damage is done. On a timeline moving from left to right, “right of bang”” is what happens after the fight begins. In the worst-case scenario, you’re a casualty to the right of bang. Therefore, you need to stay to the "left of bang." In that area you need to be alert, ready, prepared, and able to respond before the bad stuff happens.

>That’s possible, the authors maintain, by recognizing certain revealing characteristics to detect potential attackers in time to avoid or upset their violent intent.

>Patrick Van Horne and Jason Riley, co-authors of Left of Bang, are former active-duty Marine Corps officers and instructors who helped enhance and evolve the Combat Hunter training program at the Marines Corps’ Warfighting Laboratory in Quantico, VA. Their specialty, and the focus of the book, is "how to read the human terrain through an increased understanding of human behavior" across all cultural lines. The goal is to stop threats before they erupt.

IME, these skills are 100% worth making time for.

I'm being stalked, it's been two years, and I've found hidden cameras in my house. [R]

2 years, 5 months agopleuvoir_etfianer posted submission on LetsNotMeet.
March 17, 2017

[removed]

2 years, 5 months agopleuvoir_etfianer posted on LetsNotMeet.
March 17, 2017

OP, I'd remove your insta username from this / insta videos and re-upload to imgur to hide your identity. PLEASE DO THIS.

<hr />

GIRLLL. first off, take those "devices" and ~~burn them~~ hold onto them, they're evidence. Seriously.

Get surveillance cameras and hide them around your house and also install them outside as well. Get the type that you can tap into via your smartphone. Is your insta private? If not, do it. and NEVER tag your location. Go through your insta followers, make sure you verify all of your followers to make sure there isn't anyone suspect or suspicious. Take a self-defense course, and ONLY if you're comfortable with it, take conceal/carry classes to get a concealed handgun for your safety. Hide various weapons throughout your house (bat, golf club, etc.). Have you called the police yet? If not, do it. Show them the insta videos. Put all of happenings on file. & read The Gift of Fear --- Emphasis on this one---

Um, if I think of any more advice I will edit and add. This sort of thing has never happened to me, but people I know, so I am trying to source the advice given.

EDIT; (maybe you already have) Do very, very thorough recon throughout your house. Look in places you'd never ever think of, be on the lookout for anything unusual and abnormal. IF it would give you peace of mind, contact your local P.D. and have them send 1-2 officers out to do recon themselves.

& I'm sorry your mom doesn't appear to take this seriously. but don't let that stop you from taking this very, very seriously; because you definitely need to.

<hr />

and for anyone who is going to say surveillance / classes / gun are too expensive... I'd sure as hell value my safety over my savings.

Please help me find a book. [R]

2 years, 5 months agodeadasthatsquirrel posted submission on TwoXChromosomes.
March 6, 2017

Im sorry if this isnt the right place for this question but I felt that this subreddit would be best for it. The other day I was on reddit and there was an askreddit the other day that was along the lines of "What was one gut feeling that turned out to be true?" in the comments someone had talked about a tradition of passing a book along to the women about why people get these gut feelings and I thought it was a really cool idea and wanted to get it for my sister since she just had a son of her own. Unfortunately I was on mobile and the app crashed so I couldn't save the comment or the post and now im having a real hard time finding it. Would anyone know the name of the book or at least the post? Sorry again and thanks for any help

2 years, 5 months agodeadasthatsquirrel posted on TwoXChromosomes.
March 6, 2017

It was The Gift of Fear - https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/5xgf2m/haveyouevercorrectlyhadagutfeeling_to/dehyaja/

Edit - Here's the tradition comment.

(NC) My GF is being stalked, the man moved from out of state to our city, so he could be closer to her. She is now terrified to be home alone. What are my options here? [R]

2 years, 6 months agoJan. 24, 2017

[deleted]

2 years, 6 months agolegalgrl posted on legaladvice.
Jan. 25, 2017

Go to Amazon. Buy this book. "The Gift of Fear." Read it together with her.

It will not fix everything immediately. But it does provide an unparalleled big picture overview of stalking psychology, how to prevent it, and how to deal with it if it happens.

I've read nothing that explains it as well as this book. And nothing that provides the tools this book provides. I have given it to friends who are women and they said it changed how they handle strangers, pushy men, and people who test boundaries. It helps women protect themselves psychologically.

Reading it will be something you can do together that will help her feel like you are paying attention, that you get it, that you're in her corner, and that you want her to be mentally prepared (all of which it sounds like you are).

That stalker is a real winner winner chicken dinner. Fuck that dude.

And it goes without saying, but concealed carry classes for her, or at least Krav Maga, at the same time as reading that book.

first [tinder] hookup, and I'm inviting him to my house -- am I crazy for doing this? [R]

2 years, 7 months agoDec. 31, 2016

[deleted]

2 years, 7 months agoIBetYouveNever posted on sex.
Dec. 31, 2016

> if he refuses then I guess that's a pretty good clue he was gonna kill me.

Honestly? Any murderer worth his salt will accept the first invite because it's standard procedure.

Do trust your gut. There's a book called The Gift of Fear that's all about intuition and how nuanced social interactions help us pick out people with different social motivations. The trouble is that we sometimes dismiss those signs because we don't have a good vocabulary for them, or think they're weird feelings.

I recently had a close brush with an honest-to-goodness murderer and trusted my gut, found out after the fact who the guy was (he was caught and arrested a week after our interaction), and I'm SO FUCKING GLAD I went with the bold call-to-action rather than just passively tolerating his behaviors.

I wish I knew so I could be his friend [R]

2 years, 8 months agoitchytweed posted submission on iamverysmart.
Dec. 20, 2016
2 years, 8 months agoitchytweed posted on iamverysmart.
Dec. 20, 2016

As it should be. Actors of violence shouldn't be given popularity, as it only succeeds in encouraging more like them (One thing I learned from The Gift of Fear)

Staying safe [R]

2 years, 9 months agoNov. 10, 2016

[deleted]

2 years, 9 months agobutterchickenz posted on islam.
Nov. 11, 2016

Since getting a gun isn't feasible for most people, I suggest the following (especially the sisters)

  1. Try and travel publicly in groups, especially at night. If you are in college, try and set up a buddy system.

  2. Don't walk around with your headphones in, oblivious of what is going on around you. Be aware of your surroundings.

  3. Carry pepper spray and don't be afraid to use it if you feel threatened. Certain types of knives are legal to carry, but that varies by state so check into that depending on where you live.

  4. Ladies - read the book The Gift of Fear - excellent book that talks about how to spot even subtle signs of danger before it's too late. Constantly recommended on r/TwoXChromosomes/

  5. Guys - similar to 4, read the book Left of Bang - its basically the same as Gift of Fear but more geared towards men.

How do I know that he's actually a good guy...? [R]

2 years, 10 months agoSept. 26, 2016

[deleted]

2 years, 10 months agokookaburra1701 posted on OkCupid.
Sept. 26, 2016

I was raised with similar messages: all strange men are trying to get in your pants, you can't trust them one bit, etc etc.

Funny how the people who have ACTUALLY been untrustworthy and tried to harm me were those who I knew and were close to me. In fact, some of the same people who warned me about what "all men" were like were the ones who took advantage the first chance they got.

The statistics bear out my experience - you are statistically much safer with strange men than with men you "know". You can never "know" who is safe and who isn't, you can only observe behaviors and learn which ones show disregard for other people.

Some books that really helped me because I can't afford therapy:

The Gift of Fear

In Sheep's Clothing

Why Does He Do That? Inside the Mind of Angry and Controlling Men

While I was never in a relationship with anyone abusive or manipulative, reading these books helped me identify people whom I could have become more entangled with (professionally, platonically, romantically) and steered clear and thus avoided the ensuing dumpster fires. They made me much more confident in my ability to set appropriate boundaries and recognize when my boundaries were being violated, and that it was ok for me to call an end to any situation I didn't feel comfortable in. Just the knowledge that I could and would do so made me feel more comfortable.

I don't know if my rambling was in any way helpful, but really, do seek out resources in the form of therapy or self-help books. Getting out of an ingrained and destructive mindset is NOT EASY but it is so WORTH IT.

A family member is making me uncomfortable. I think I'm just being paranoid but I need to talk about it. [R]

2 years, 11 months agoSept. 11, 2016

[deleted]

2 years, 11 months agostkadria posted on TwoXChromosomes.
Sept. 11, 2016

Also, pick up The Gift of fear by Gavin de Becker sometime and read it, it's interesting and talks about how important your gut instincts are.

LPT Request: How to legally remove a stranger from your family's property against their will? [R]

3 years, 1 month agoretardsan posted submission on LifeProTips.
June 29, 2016

[removed]

3 years, 1 month agoretardsan posted on LifeProTips.
June 30, 2016

The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440508835/ref=cmswrcpapa_ARrDxbCEYHSG1

Uncomfortable with FH Groomsman Choice [R]

3 years, 2 months agoRandomBanana007 posted submission on weddingplanning.
June 1, 2016

Hi all,

I have a bit of a conundrum, and I apologize in advance for the novel. My FH has a close friend - we'll call him Mike - he has known for many years who he wants to be his groomsman. I have thought this was a bad idea for a while (this guy is a huge jerk, very manipulative, and hurt my FH by not asking him to be in his own wedding, but more on that later...) I told him to choose who means most to him and I would respect and support it, because it's important to me that he has the people closest to him standing beside him.

But then a few weeks ago, FH and I were at a party, and Mike was there as well. I'd rather not go into specific detail, but the long and short of it is that Mike got quite drunk and cornered me, where he proceeded to grope me and attempt to take my clothes off. I firmly shut that down and got out of there, finding FH and telling him we needed to go immediately. We later confronted Mike, asking what he thought he was doing. He claims ignorance, saying he was too drunk to remember.

A week later, we went to another party, Mike happened to be there too. He got way too drunk, and FH offered to drive him home. Mike got into the front seat, so I sat behind FH. Mike deliberately got out of the car and came to sit in the back seat. While FH was driving, Mike again groped me and kept pulling me close to him, so I told FH to pull over, I said I felt sick. He pulled over and I got out and told him what was happening and got into the front seat. Mike again claims he was too drunk to remember.

FH said that's that, no way he will be in the wedding. That's a big step, because FH is a painfully forgiving person, and for him to cut ties with someone is almost unheard of. I was relieved and that was that. Until Mike asked FH to be in his wedding, as a groomsman. Now FH feels it would be cruel to not have Mike in his wedding party, and though I have told him I am not comfortable having a man who violated me representing our friends at the wedding, he wants to ask for second opinions on the matter. We're not getting married until January, but I'd still like to resolve this. Am I insane for not wanting him there?

TL;DR: FH's friend tries to assault his fiancee twice, and FH still thinks it would be okay to have this man in the wedding party. What do I do?

Edit/Update: Thank you all for your honesty and support. The truth hurts, and I think I just needed to see that how I feel isn't just an overreaction and to grow a pair and face this. Going to dinner to discuss this with FH. We will see where we stand when its over.

Edit/Update 2: There is an update post available here. Thank you all for your advice and support. I truly appreciate it.

3 years, 2 months agoRandomBanana007 posted on weddingplanning.
June 2, 2016

Obligatory link to Gift of Fear. I know this isn't directly related to the question you're asking, but it could really help you in future situations to learn to trust your gut and protect yourself against predators, which Mike definitely is.

/r/Atlanta Random Daily Discussion - May 20, 2016 [R]

3 years, 3 months agoTaphophile posted submission on Atlanta.
May 20, 2016

What's on your mind, Atlanta?

3 years, 3 months agoTaphophile posted on Atlanta.
May 20, 2016

And here's my plug for "The Gift of Fear." A really great book that emphasizes why you SHOULD trust your gut.

NMother of girlfriend, sadly NMIL to be, is stalking my reddit account [R]

3 years, 3 months agoroadkill_laundrette posted submission on raisedbynarcissists.
May 11, 2016

Can I get a internet restraining order now? She saw my last post about a teacher messing with my girlfriend, breached privacy, and sent it to school admin, who also breached privacy. School admin pulls in gf and tells her that she needs to be asking questions if she isn't aware of a post made to reddit (she was/is already aware).

Ughhhh what makes it awful is the fact that the school admin isn't doing a single thing in response to the content of the post aside from pulling my gf out of the class

edit - yay, 100 upvotes, my highest upvoted text post. Goodbye Kozio_ account. Thanks for all the advice!

3 years, 3 months agoroadkill_laundrette posted on raisedbynarcissists.
May 12, 2016

Hi Stalker NMom,

I guess you're not very smart, so this is probably a waste of my time. But I'm going to tell you a few things for your own good anyway.

I'm a 40 year old woman who has not been in contact of any kind with my biological parents for about 2.5 years. It was very low contact for about 4 years before the complete cutoff.

I suppose you think you're entitled to be a stalker asshole. My mother sure did. You probably don't even think that what you're doing qualifies as stalking, but this book explains in a really common-sense way why you actually are a stalker: http://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835

I think if you asked my mother about my relationship with her, she'd start whining and go on about some memory about me being 6 years old. Really, I think the only reason she had me was for the "baby" part of having a kid. Right about the time I hit puberty she started treating me like complete shit and regularly talking about how the only thing she was looking forward to now was having grandbabies. That's all I was good for.

But you know what? Now that I'm 40 I really can't remember shit about my pre-puberty years. Just little bits of memory here and there. But I remember my teenage years with crystal clarity, as if it happened yesterday. You have a teenage daughter, and the way that you treat her today is your legacy. That is what she will remember when she's my age.

Do you want to be a part of a potential grandchild's life? Do you want help when you're old and sick?

No one OWES any of that to you. If you keep acting the way you are acting now, it's YOUR future that you're throwing in the toilet. That 18 year old couple are already here (in an online support group for children of abusive parents). That's way better than I had at their age. It took me years to get to the point that I knew it wasn't my fault. They'll leave and you'll never see them again. Maybe that's what you want, maybe not. But you should think about it before throwing tantrums and getting your daughter in trouble in school. You should really think about it.

Trust your gut [R]

3 years, 6 months agoFeb. 15, 2016

[deleted]

3 years, 6 months agoHsbnd posted on NarcissisticAbuse.
Feb. 15, 2016

Are you familiar with the book Gift of Fear? The author talks a lot about trusting your instincts.

I'm glad you are out and moving on to a healthy relationship though!

Here's the link to the book.

How would you advise women to deter a stalker? [R]

3 years, 7 months agoJan. 7, 2016

I don't mean online stalking, but the scary irl stuff.

Update;

Bit of background history. I originally bumped into this middle aged guy at a previous apartment building I used to live in. My dogs used to bark while I was away, I felt bad and tried to make nice with the neighbors. I stupidly accepted a drink invitation at his place under the impression other people from the building were going to be there. Nope, just him.

He had a beer and started getting confident. He started telling me I was beautiful and how he was single etc. Before that I tried making excuses to leave but he'd then bring up my dogs and start up a guilt trip. When I kept insisting on leaving he started getting angry, like slamming his beer bottle down on the coffee table, raising his voice, throwing his lighter hard at the table. (just for some weird tidbits, I took notice that he was recording video of me on his cell phone during this visit) He also seemed to be very insistent about various women he knew who stalked him or called him repeatedly or other odd twisted behavior he mentioned. For whatever reason he was also sweating heavily, like he just got out of the shower yet he's just been sitting in one spot the whole time.)

I eventually just ran out of his apartment when I heard a neighbor unlocking their door. I moved out 2 weeks later.

Skip ahead a few weeks. He did tell me he drives a cab. This town is somewhat vast yet doesn't have any bus routes or transportation except for shuttles. I made sure to avoid his cab company. I've noticed that his known friends have seen which cab company I take. I called a shuttle today, low and behold, the angry drunk dude just so happens to be driving for this shuttle company.

I had him drop me off at a nearby bank. Less than a half hour after he dropped me off I kept getting weird private number calls one after another. I then answer to an unblocked number and recognize his voice asking for a different name. He's done this repeatedly tonight. I blocked the number but I just have this really odd gut feeling.

I feel that he has a tendency to be stalkerish but he's probably done it before enough to skirt around making it obvious. The best defense he could use is that its a small town and he drives a shuttle, so it wouldn't be weird for him to drive down one street repeatedly.

3 years, 7 months agoviceywicey posted on AskMen.
Jan. 8, 2016

I would recommend checking out this book - The Gift of Fear.

Creepy or nah? [R]

3 years, 7 months agojimburrwell posted submission on NarcissisticAbuse.
Jan. 6, 2016

My Nex had a spare key for my car. I left couple things at his place including my small plastic drawer. I have done NC for about 12 days now, I initiated the nc.

This afternoon I look in the rear view as I'm backing up to go on lunch break and I scream! I see the plastic drawer bin and certain other items in the back seat! I said no way i dint remember them being here this morning when I went to work. I call my best friend and she says My reaction is valid and for safety reasons this should Never happen.

He had no way to contact me because I blocked him. My friend thinks this is just his way of trying to contact me because he knew I would. I would have preferred he dropped the stuff in front of my house or at least on the driveway with a note or something.

I am paranoid because idk if he put a recorder in there or tracking system. I have reason to believe he could.

I don't like the idea of him driving to my house and going inside of my car without my consent.

I called him and Said don't ever do that it was uncalled for and invasion of privacy trespassing etc. plus I live alone, I don't want to be scared any more than I am.

What do u guys think ?

3 years, 7 months agojimburrwell posted on NarcissisticAbuse.
Jan. 7, 2016

This is an awesome book you should read. I personally think everyone should read it, because it covers every day life skills relating to personal safety.

(Support) Definitely toxic and abusive EX boyfriend has been stalking and harassing me for 6 years and I'm actually afraid to file a restraining order against him [R]

3 years, 7 months agoCassandraCubed posted submission on raisedbynarcissists.
Dec. 25, 2015

(This is going to be a bit long.)

I'm not really sure what to write about it all. It's been going on for so long. I know some of you recognize my user name because I post here a lot. And doing so has helped me so much in regards to dealing with my Nmom. I don't know if this guy is an N, but I'll tell you guys about him and what's been going on.

So this guy has been stalking and harassing me for 6 years. It will be 7 soon. This all started when we started dating. I was 16 and he was 19. I feel like I should have seen the red flags. How he treated people, how he treated me. But I was desperate to get out of the house and away from Nmom.

I met this guy through my best friend a year before I dated him. So I met him when I was 15. At that time, my best friend was dating him. She was 15 and he was 18. (Telling that part just so you guys have some back story) She broke up with him pretty quickly and HATED him after, but still kept in contact with him. I just sort of shrugged it off. She didn't have a problem when we started dating a year later, too.

So during this mistake of a relationship, a lot of abuse happened. Lots of guilting, manipulation, grooming, all that shit, from him. I remember at one point, he told me that his worst fear would be to go to jail for rape or be a pedophile. He was always talking about how worried he was that he was dating me, that he could get in trouble. I started feeling like it was my personal responsibility to not get him in trouble. No matter what he did. So I ended up not telling anyone about any of what he did for years.

He'd do really weird things, like go out and buy himself a bunch of shit, and then turn around and expect me, 16 yr old me, to go buy condoms. (He had a job, I didn't.) Just weird shit like that. He never bought me anything unless it was something he wanted me to like. Even on Christmas, he bought me a bunch of stuff but it was all stuff I had no use for. And then he went and bought himself everything he wanted.

One day he proposed to me, when I was 17. Lucky for me, my best friend had already told me about the time he did the same thing to her. In a public space, one one knee, with a ring. Yada yada. My friend didn't want to make him feel bad in front of people so she took the ring, and later gave it back to him, but not before showing it to me. (Because we were best friends and all.)

Low and behold, the ring he proposed to me with, was the same ring he proposed to my best friend with. I politely turned him down, by telling him I was way too young. (17 yes old.) He seemed embarrassed but I had to. I mean was he expecting for me to elope? (He actually did talk about doing that.) shudders

There was sexual abuse, too. A rape, an attempted rape, and stuff I've been told by doctors is sexual battery. I don't want to get into detail about what happened. But I will say that I wasn't willing to call it that for years, even though I felt something was seriously wrong with what happened. It wasn't until I was in therapy a year ago, that I admitted he'd raped me.

Eventually, 17 year old me got tired of how he treated me. I broke up with him. The bullshit escalated.

He started saying he was so depressed that we weren't together anymore that he wanted to do drastic things like "give up on everything and join the army" I know he was trying to guilt me into staying with him. I didn't give on, but I completely lost my cool when he said , "Babe, I never should have broken up with you."

I was the one who broke it off, because I was sick of being treated like shit. How could he just completely switch around the story like that? How dare he?!

I told him off, reminding him that I was the one who ended the relationship because I was sick and tired of being treated like his personal flesh light and other kinds of shit, that I was now happier than I'd been since before I knew him, and that I had a name and it wasn't fucking babe.

Not long after that (maybe a couple of months) he started up again. This time with threats. He called me out of the blue, accusing me of stealing money from his old job the previous day, and told me to never go there again. I'd visited his old work when I'd been at the mall the day before, looking for a job. I told him there was video surveillance proving I did no such thing, that I had witnesses, and then he hung up on me. My mom (yes, Nmom) had heard the whole thing. So she tried calling his mom on their land line to tell her what her son was doing and maybe to get him to stop. This dude, ran to where the land line phone was in the house, picked it up, and slammed it down. And kept hanging up every time my mom tried to call. Just so that his mom couldn't pick up the phone and find out what he'd been doing. After 30 minutes of this we both gave up. But we didn't call the cops. I guess we felt we didn't have enough proof or something about what had just happened.

So I decided to cut him out of my life, to escape. So I did to the best of my abilities. (He did know where I live at that point in time.

Months later he sent me a text as if nothing had happened. I ignored the text. I asked my phone company if they could block his number, and they told me they couldn't. Which I still think is bullshit.

About a year later, when I thought it was all behind me, he sent me a friend request. But I had already blocked him! So I had a friend block him for me while I had a full blown panic attack.

Six months later, he found me again on an art website I use. He "followed" me and sent me a message that was so casual, it made me barf in my mouth a little bit. Still acting like nothing had happened. Ignoring the fact that I'd blocked him twice already. He then commented on a shit ton of my art. (Yuck!) I blocked him yet again.

Then a few months after that he found me on Facebook again, this time through a page I'd made for my art. He "liked" the page and sent a message to me through it that said, "Hello! I've been meaning to send you a message. How are you? I hope everything is going well. I'd love to speak to you! So feel free to send me a message! Have a good night!"

The amount of creepy and what the fuck that comes from that message. Most people would say there's nothing malicious in it, but he knows he isn't allowed to contact me. "I'd love to speak to you" and "feel free to send me a message"....?!? If I wanted to talk to him, then I wouldn't have blocked him over 3 times now, would I? Who is he kidding? Does he honestly believe it's okay to contact me? That I would want to talk to him? What the hell?!

I blocked him yet again. (Is that the 4'the time?)

Then about a year later, he found my blog. Yep! He sent me TWO messages on there. The first one said, "Hi (my name), I hope you are doing well, and I see you are having some success with your art! That's great! Please, if you are up to talk, feel free to text me, @ (he wrote his phone number but I'm obviously not going to put it here because rules). I would very much enjoy speaking to you and I hope you have a pleasant week!"

I completely lost my shit when I saw this message in my inbox from him. Rage, sadness, everything. I had a full on panic attack. Nmom was there and actually tried to help me by doing all the errands that we both had planned for the day, and while she was out she ordered Chinese food for me that was delivered to me. (I hadn't eaten anything all day and definitely couldn't cook)

When I felt better I went back on my computer to see what was going on. I knew how to track my visitors, in the same way admins have control of things like that. (Sort of) so I could see everything he'd looked at while on my blog. What I found was absolutely horrifying and sent me into another breakdown.

This asshole had stayed on my blog for 6 hours, went through hundreds of pages. For six fucking hours. He'd open tabs of posts that had selfies of me in them. Then after he'd sent me the message, he just sat there, refreshing the page over and over and over to see if I had published a response.

Literally no words for how sick and creepy that is. But it got worse.

I talked to a trusted friend who could help me blocked him again, but on a stronger scale. We said we'd do it in the morning or at least the next day. Well the next day came, and that's when he sent the second message. He sent the second message after being on my blog for hours yet again.

The second message said, "Hi, I'll stop trying to contact you. I apologize if I've been a bother. Anyway, I see you might be struggling with domestic violence? Remember, that my mom handles those types of cases, and if you need any help trying to distance yourself from someone who has abused you, feel free to look into (name of place his mom works at). They can help low income people with this kind of stuff, I believe. Anyway, sorry about the annoyance. Hope things work out for you."

I had a rage attack and panic attack at the same time. "I'll stop bothering you" but then continues to bother me! "I'm sorry" keeps doing the shit he claims he's so sorry for. And then! That whole bit about "I see you are struggling with domestic violence." What the hell is he implying? I don't post anything personal on my blog. Was he talking about himself?! Because he's the only one who's abused me that I want to get away from! (Well, besides abusive family. But he couldn't have known about that.)

I went ahead with blocking him on the blogging site and using custom HTML that would redirect him away from my blog. It worked. (For a while.) When he realized he couldn't load my blog anymore, he flipped out. He went back to the art website I used (because apparently he had my profile there book marked?) And kept trying to find a way to contact me. I employed the HTML there that would stop him from seeing my profile there.

At last, it felt like I was free. He couldn't spy on me anymore. I even went and talked to the police and got advice on the matter that I'm still using. Things were great, for a while. For 9 months, actually.

Then he found me again early this late spring in June.

I'd made myself a website for my art. It is my business and I do make money doing commissions and taking part in art shows.

Well, he found it. And he found the "contact" button and sent me an email to my business email.

This is what the email said, *"Hi, (my name)! This is Robby, if you couldn't tell by the email address. I apologize if I've come off as creepy, because that really isn't my intention. I simply ask that you hear me out. I want to apologize to you for how things ended between us, and I've spent the past five years regretting it. I see you are also struggling with depression and anxiety. I am also dealing with those issues, which have actually gotten worse the past year. If you want to talk about that, share stories and what not, I am free to talk. I would like to have someone to talk to about these issues with, as none of my friends really understand what I'm going through. My family tries, but it's the same case. Anyway, I apologize if me sending this email offends you. I don't mean to make you upset. PS: I really like your art."

That single email is so heavily loaded with baiting and everything fucked up I've seen people talk about on here. Like, he ADMITS that he knows he's being a creep. But he demands that I listen to him! And what's even more gross is that he "regrets how things ended between us"? He regrets me escaping him? I bet he does because I haven't replied to any of his attempts in all the years he's been desperate to get a reaction for me! And then the part where he starts gushing about himself and his ailments. And how the hell would he know I have depression and anxiety? Because he's been spying, stalking me on the internet and god knows where else!

What really gets me is how he wants me to talk to him about his ailments. "I have no one to talk to", well go to a fucking therapist and leave me the he alone!

This asshole has absolutely no concern for my boundaries. At all. He keeps breaking them but there's always an excuse for him in his mind to do so. He's been obsessing over me for (at the time of the email) five years? He keeps going to great lengths to contact me? Does he really think any of this is normal? He must know. I mean, he does, he admits to being a creep.

After that I installed the HTML that redirects him, so that he couldn't visit my website anymore.

I thought everything would be okay. I thought I destroyed his last loophole. I was so wrong.

He got around the ban I places on my blog. All he had to to was manually type in the URL web address of my blog, and then type /archive.

That's all it took to get around the block, and then he had complete access to my blog again.

I noticed instantly. And there was nothing I could do to stop him. All summer and fall. I felt so helpless all over again.

I saw what he'd look at on my blog. Only selfies of me, and any content that was in any way nsfw. Then, he went so far back on my blog that he found a picture of my best friend. Yes, the same best friend of mine that he dated before he'd dated me. He kept tabs open of pictures of me, the picture or my best friend, and things that had girls with their fits out or butts, nsfw stuff.

At this point it was obvious to me what he was using them for.

I messaged my friend and let her know what was going on. She was pretty grossed out and concerned.

The website I blog on created a feature where you can remove your blog from the web. So I did. And now he (hopefully) can't see it anymore. But there are ways he can get around it because (cough cough TUMBLR cough cough) doesn't really give a shit about having proper blocking features.

Now, I've been getting weird calls and texts from numbers in his area code, and a bunch of other weird things. I talked to the police and they were very helpful. I've been trying to get everything together so I can file for a restraining order. But I'm scared, not necessarily of him, although I am. What I'm more scared of, is going to the hearing, being there in that room, and not being granted the restraining order.

That fear alone is what stops me from taking the next step. But I know I just can't let him do this to me anymore. I'm pretty sure he texted me tonight. I think it was him. They asked for me and I pretended to be a man named Jim. When I did that he texted back "bye".

I can't stand it anymore. First thing Monday, I'm taking the steps to end this. But I am so so scared. I really am. I'm the kind of person who carries pepper spray and other weapons for self defense, and I don't hesitate to defend myself physically. But I can't defend myself now?

I have to do this. I don't have to report the rape, I just have to show he's been stalking and harassing me.

But fuck, am I afraid.

Any words of support or advice will mean the world to me, and I'll keep everyone updated when I can.

3 years, 7 months agoCassandraCubed posted on raisedbynarcissists.
Dec. 25, 2015

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this ordeal! :(

You may find this book helpful: The Gift of Fear.

Lost a bunch of weight and now I'm not invisible. It's weird and slightly scary. [R]

3 years, 8 months agoartificial_grape posted submission on xxfitness.
Dec. 1, 2015

I've posted this issue before in other areas, but today something happened again and I'm curious about other's experiences and their ways of handling this issue.

I've lost 130lbs in the last two years and I feel great! I wouldn't give this up for the world. I love the feeling of being healthy, strong, and fast. I was always big, so this is completely new to me.

I went from 260lbs to 130lbs, and now my smaller size makes me feel more vulnerable. I used to use my size as a sort of defense mechanism. I never got noticed (unless it was to make fun of me and that's easy for me to ignore at this point). No one would randomly talk to me. Back then, it was a topic of discussion how bigger people are invisible and that sucks, but I sort of liked being left alone. I'm super awkward. I'd always think, "no one could grab me off the street because they'd have to be powerlifters to do so". Now, I can't think that! Two examples:

  • Earlier this year, I was giving someone a hug goodbye. They decided to use this moment to PICK ME UP AND BEAR HUG ME. I screamed, as this was not something I am used to. I also don't like it at all. I hated feeling like someone could just pick me up with no problems. Telling other people this story, they then try to pick me up. And they can do it. And I hate it.
  • Just today I was walking during my lunch at work. A guy honks at me and waves, and I ignore it like you do. Except he turned around on a street ahead, blocked the crosswalk, and waited for me. I walked around the car with him yelling at me - but this isn't the first time someone's pulled over and waited for me while I'm out walking.

I've already decided to buy some mace/pepper spray to carry with me, and my husband is asking his coworker about her self defense course. I guess I'm looking for things I can do myself that help me feel more secure? I weight lift and run, so I know I can at least out run a fucker. But it's unsettling to me, and if there is anyone else who has the same issues, how do you feel safe in all this bullshit?

Edit oh jeez I didn't expect so many comments. I've read them all and I sincerely appreciate all the responses. It's somewhat disturbingly comforting to know that this...isn't unusual but there are ways to mitigate the damage. Thank you so much for the community and support!

3 years, 8 months agoartificial_grape posted on xxfitness.
Dec. 1, 2015

This, a million times over. Never, ever worry about being polite when you feel threatened.

The Gift of Fear is a good read and might help you feel better about your new situation.

Your filthy diseased kids ruined my family's Thanksgiving. So mad I can't see straight. [R]

3 years, 8 months agoSpiritWolfie posted submission on rant.
Nov. 27, 2015

I needed to rant about this. I am livid and I don't want to bash my husbands family to him. This seemed to be a good medium. I'm going to bash the fuck out of them on here. It's probably going to be long, I'm sorry.

So first off. My family is unable to have a traditional thanksgiving on the day and sometimes we don't at all. We haven't for the last two years. My siblings are medical professionals and this is due to their work schedules. So this year we finally managed to put together a dinner on Sunday that I was going to cook. My sister is on maternity leave with her month old and brother had the weekend off. I'm so excited!!

Now on to the in-laws. I typically try to avoid going to holidays with them. Every time my kid goes over there he gets sick. Their kids are ALWAYS sick. They are none to clean and I think they are anti vaxxers as well. When my son was three weeks old, we were over for Christmas and the next day I get a text from his cousin. "Tee-hee I forgot to tell you, Little Billy has measles! Hope baby Bobby doesn't get it!". After that I refused to take my child anywhere around them for two years. Pretty much until he got all his shots. Still caught chicken pox from them though but it wasn't bad at all because he'd had one round of the vaccine.

Which brings us to yesterday. I grudgingly decided to go. I regretted it the instant I walked in the door and could kick myself for not leaving. First off, the smell of raw sewage hit you in the face the second you walked in. The scented candles all over did nothing to disguise this. It smelled like a porta potty with an air freshener stuck in it. In general the house wasn't exactly clean but it wasn't filthy either, it just STANK so bad. A stomach turning stench. Whatever, maybe they're having a problem with the septic system. It happens.

There is a pack of filthy, snot covered children running around. By snot covered I mean these kids literally had crusted snot masks all over their faces and clothes. I should have left. I really should have left right then. I knew my kid was going to get sick. I should have left. I resigned myself to having a sick kid in a couple days. Sat down to eat the nastiest thanksgiving meal in existence. Still trying to be diplomatic I thought to myself "well, not everyone days the same thing for thanksgiving" It may have been better if it wasn't ice cold but oh well. I'm looking forward to my family's delicious dinner and I consoled myself with that.

This morning I get a message from measles cousin "Little Billy come up covered in a rash this morning so we took him to a doctor. Turns out it's Hand Foot and Mouth and its SUPER CONTAGEOUS. Just wanted to let you know tee-hee".

I went from zero to Chernobyl in an instant. Of course my kid is going to get it. I couldn't not let him play with his filthy, carrier monkey cousins. Naturally his doctor is closed so can't get into from them. I know nothing about this virus. Can't get sister or brother on the phone to ask. I googled it. Turns out you display symptoms like fever for several days before the rash actually breaks out. So they knew all these kids were sick BEFORE we even came over. DO YOU THINK YOU COULD HAVE CRACKED YOUR FAT MOUTH ABOUT IT BEFORE I BROUGHT MY KID INTO THAT HIVE OF DISEASED CHILDREN??? Even if they didn't know exactly what it was, unless they are totally negligent, they couldn't have missed the fever and other symptoms. It would have been nice to have a heads up about that! I refuse to believe you had no idea your kids were sick. THEY WERE ABSOLUTELY COVERED IN SNOT YOU IGNORANT COW!

According to the stuff I read, we're all probably going to get and even better, my husband and I can be Hand Foot and Mouth Marys and spread it without showing symptoms. Fucking fabulous! I love painful rashes on my hands, feet, mouth, buttocks and vagina!

So, incubation period is 3-6 days for this and now my family is cancelling our thanksgiving because they want to be extra cautious (rightfully so with a newborn). I was really looking forward to it since we haven't done it in so long and we were all going to be able to be together. Now that's shot. I'm going to cook for hubby and I so I can still enjoy all the good stuff but it won't be the same. Plus, since I have enough food to feed 8, I'm going to have to cook it all. I can't cook half a 16 lb turkey. We are going to have a mountain of leftovers.

I hope all those assholes get sores in their pee holes.

3 years, 8 months agoSpiritWolfie posted on rant.
Nov. 27, 2015

May I suggest a book? It's called The Gift of Fear. This book is all about intuition and how we've been trained over the years to ignore those feelings because often there is no evidence we can point to that something off and often we don't want to feel guilty about or seem rude.....so we ignore those feelings that something isn't right. Well guess what - we actually should listen to those feelings.

Sorry you had a bad time. I would talk to my doc as soon as possible and hopefully you can mitigate any bad stuff.

Oh yeah and I would stay the fuck away from Cousin Eddy and his kids (Christmas Vacation movie reference if you didn't know).

Now that being "beta" is a red flag for fucked-in-the-head, will TRP surge in users? [R]

3 years, 10 months agoSmurfESmurferson posted submission on PurplePillDebate.
Oct. 1, 2015

In light of the recent news, the image of being a social outcast, loner, beta loser will probably conjure up thoughts of school shooters.

I predict more beta young men(not r9k-tier) will want to get rid of this image and avoid it as best they can. Or just be more openly friendly and avoid raising suspicion.

What better way than TRP, which tells them to boost SMV, lift, and adopt more alpha traits. The opposite of what "beta uprising" entails.

Do you think this villifying of social outcast betas will get them to change or spiral into further ostracism?

I think the true omegas/incels that post on 4chan are beyond saving, but it should push normal, moderate betas/incels to prevent being associated with them.

Edit: I'll try to elaborate on what I consider beta incel vs omega incel

  • Beta incels are nerdy and dresses "uncool". The ones that are a little too passionate about anime, pokemon with other equally nerdy students. They don't give a school shooter vibe but are definitely social outcasts.

I don't think they are aware they don't give a school shooter vibe to others and will want to get rid of the social outcast image, by self improvement.

  • Omega incels are r9k users, like today's shooters. Keeps bottles of piss, considers beta uprising to be a genuine and worthy cause, wants government mandated girlfriends.

These guys are beyond saving and not who I'm talking about as the surge in TRP. I'm pretty sure they have given up all hope in self improvement.

3 years, 10 months agoSmurfESmurferson posted on PurplePillDebate.
Oct. 3, 2015

Actually, being able to fool said gut instinct is very bad and very dangerous. No one wants a relationship with a psychopath, I think every pill can agree on that.

Ideally, someone is socially adjusted and won't set off any sort of red flags. They won't need to worry about it.

In terms of what counts as "off," it's hard to quantify. It's the person that incites the "stay away from him" thought. It's a vibe that the dude may go shoot up a women's gym, and you need to get TF away from him now.

It's what this entire book is based on: http://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8

(That books should be required reading for life, TBH)

It's not like a creepy dude, or a "Nice Guy," where you can pinpoint actions that got the guy classified that way.

a warning from.. myself apparently [R]

3 years, 10 months agofishbulb- posted submission on Glitch_in_the_Matrix.
Sept. 29, 2015

When I was a young woman in my early 20's I had this male friend. We'd hang out mostly in the city he lived in, after which he'd drive me back to my home town. I didn't know his city at all but I knew the drive there and back home by heart.

One night we are on the drive back as usual. We're standing at a red light in silence, when suddenly I hear a voice. As clear as fucking day. MY voice. It wasn't like an internal voice or instinct or whatnot it actually sounded like... If I was sitting next my own ear clearly speaking, fairly loudly too. My voice said, in a very specific manner

He is going to take a turn you don't usually take. He is going to take that turn, and start accelerating.

I was freaked as fuck. Not only because of the voice itself, but because I recognized the tone and way of speaking. It was very slow, clear, and determined. This was my manner of speaking when I'm trying to make an urgent, important point clear. The way I say things when there's danger. Which was weird as this guy was never anything but kind to me.

We kept driving as usual but the urgency of my voice was so alarming to me, my body went into fight or flight. I put one hand on the car door and the other on the buckle for a quick escape should the need arise. Which it totally did when suddenly the guy takes a sharp right into a dirt road in a totally different direction, nothing and no-one around, and accelerated to the point of shitting bricks fear with this blank look on his face, in complete silence.

I figured he'd have to slow down some to make turns and decided to jump out of the car when he does and just bolt towards the woods around or something. I was all ready, when suddenly he slows down all at once and asks if I had any idea where we were. I muttered something, still white as a sheet, and he adds

You know it's weird. Before I made that turn, when we were still on the main road we always take, you already looked lost. Like you knew.

*EDIT*

Reading back I realize I wasn't clear about the situation, so I'll try and answer some of questions you guys had.

He wasn't lost, he purposefully turned to this dirt road- I asked why but he wouldn't give a proper reason. He was not just driving fast, he drove at around 200 kph (about 125 mph) which is way illegal in that area and dangerous as hell. I honestly feel he was just trying to fright the living hell out of me, as he knew I was really particular about people's driving and always commented about speed lights safety etc. He even asked how come I didn't say anything to him about his driving after we slowed back down. I knew his mother was severely schizophrenic, and he experimented some with drugs before this incident so in my mind I thought maybe he's having some sort of psychotic episode or something.

That was also how I talked him into taking me home. When he remarked about me "already knowing" what he was about to do, I figured if he WAS paranoid I could play off that. So I smiled really wide, and leaned in real close to him, and convinced him I DID know because I was a witch (it was a long shot but I figured hey). I went on to tell him in a creepy voice that I know everything and I know he tried to scare me, but "now YOU are scared of ME. And you should be. You should. Now take me the fuck home"

Then he turned the car around and drove me in silence back to my house. I dunno if he actually bought my witch bit or just figured I was crazier than him. My strategy in a fight, since i'm a small physically disabled woman, is always convince the other side you're crazy as fuck.

3 years, 10 months agofishbulb- posted on Glitch_in_the_Matrix.
Sept. 29, 2015

This is exactly the premise of The Gift of Fear by Gavin deBecker. He presents dozens of these stories where people say they didn't know how they knew. Then, after he interviews them, sometimes for hours, they are able to consciously identify the thing that unconsciously felt "off" while they were in the dangerous situation.

"When he came into the room, I didn't hear any doors close behind him." "The lights were off when they should have been on." "He was wearing a coat in 85-degree weather."

deBecker is always able to elicit the unconscious thing that the victim noticed, but somehow didn't notice. Their initial explanations—ESP, guardian angels, "my mother's ghost protecting me"—always turns out to be good ol' unconscious intuition.

[Foster City, CA]: Update - leaving an abusive relationship [R]

3 years, 11 months agoSept. 6, 2015

[deleted]

3 years, 11 months agocomplimentaryasshole posted on almosthomeless.
Sept. 6, 2015

Sorry I haven't read your entire post b/c I was excited to share this link from another sub: https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/3jrumj/movingcompanywillhelpyouleavean_abusive/

I really hope this helps!!

Edit: Link to the article: http://www.laweekly.com/news/moving-company-will-help-you-leave-an-abusive-partner-for-free-5998283

Link to the moving company: http://www.meatheadmovers.com/

Edit edit: Augh, I'm sorry, I read your post and now see that you already found this link. Did you contact them?

Also, you might want to read the book, The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. Please do not stay in this relationship, it sounds to me like his faulty memory is a form of gaslighting you. Please get out, this man is not sane and YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS.

I once pulled a knife on a guy to get him to back off me. What's the craziest thing you've done after saying 'no' didn't work? [R]

4 years, 1 month agoMelorix posted submission on AskWomen.
July 8, 2015

This happened almost 10 years ago, I was a naive teenager and this guy said he liked me and invited me back to his place. We were in the sitting room and he was overly touchy and feely and kept saying he wanted me, this made me very uncomfortable. I stood up but I think he misunderstood it for consent so he started pushing me towards the bedroom. I kept saying no but he wouldn't listen. He lived on this small apartment where the bedroom was just past the kitchen so as he was pulling me, I used my left hand to grab a knife off the table top, pointed it to his face and told him to back off. I will never forget how scared he looked at me after that.

I think I can handle such situations more maturely today given that I'm older but whenever I remember that day I shiver as things could have gone horribly wrong.

What's the craziest thing you have done to protect yourself from unwanted advances?

EDIT: I'm sad, happy and crying at the same time when reading all your responses! It's always good to know that you are not alone and I've picked up a few new ways to defend myself :-D.

Thanks for all your kind words, the best part about growing up is learning not to blame myself for other people's actions. It happened such a long time ago but I remember like it was yesterday, even his perfume is still fresh in my mind. Immediately after he backed off, I ran to the couch, picked my jacket and left while still holding the knife. I think he was too shocked because he didn't even try to follow me. I ran until I was far away from that place as possible and the floodgates opened, I think it was a mixture of relief, adrenaline and fear. For some time, I felt like it was my fault considering I was the one who went to his place. As a result, I no longer go to a guy's place until like the third/fourth date.

TIL other ways: a strong kick in the nuts, fingers in the eyes, hand/wrist twist, using my stiletto as a weapon, even vomit :-)

4 years, 1 month agoMelorix posted on AskWomen.
July 8, 2015

Seriously. Your gut is such a good indicator of when something is wrong. Have you ever heard anyone say, "Man, I wish I hadn't listened to my gut?"

A great book on this is The Gift of Fear. I highly recommend it.

How do I learn to fight? [R]

4 years, 1 month agoTangurena posted submission on AskMen.
July 7, 2015

I'm almost 18 and next year will be going to University/college. I want to learn how to defend myself just so that if the situation ever came to it, I would be able to defend myself in a fist fight. Is learning mma the best way or can anyone recommend something else? Thanks in advance

4 years, 1 month agoTangurena posted on AskMen.
July 7, 2015

The most important part of learning to fight (or defend yourself) is learning to walk away. Don't be there. Don't be a target. Don't let stuff escalate. Don't talk your way into a fight.

Take some time to read about it on http://nononsenseselfdefense.com/

There are different types of violence, and what works to defuse/deescalate one type will trigger a different one. The site links to a lot of books that they've either written or recommend in their courses. I think the authors have stopped offering classes and stopped updating the site (the page listed as "newest" has 2012 in the source).

Another critical skill is "situational awareness". This means paying attention to what is going on around you. No looking at cellphone. No listening to music on headphones. Pay attention to the people around you. Normal people act one way. Predators act a different way. And victims act yet a different way. Watch people in the mall or subway station and you will start to notice categories of people and how they move. Some people call that "profiling" - it isn't. You don't want to "pass" the sort of interview that a mugger would perform.

If you want to learn a martial art, something like MMA or Krav Maga will focus on fighting and less on styles. The most important skill you will learn is to walk away. Actual fighting skill would be 4th (in case you are curious, I'd rank what you need to learn, in order: walk away [or "how not to get in the fight in the first place"], situational awareness, why to fight, how to fight, how to deal with the legal consequences afterwards).

And a few books: Gift of Fear. Learn to trust your gut. It is making you scared for a reason.
Facing Violence. Most attacks are over in seconds. This is why one drills so much in the gym/dojo - so that you don't have to think about it.
Meditations on Violence. These are some essays on violence, how and why it happens, how and why it is different in the gym/dojo versus the street/bar. What to do before and after.

N church member sexually harasses me, and no one cares. [R]

4 years, 2 months agoCassandraCubed posted submission on raisedbynarcissists.
June 7, 2015

Hello RBN. I'm using a throwaway because it'd be too risky using my main for this. If it's any help, me and my SO are 21, and the scary man mentioned is in his mid 50s I'd guess. Me and my SO have been together for nearly 3 years.

There's a man at my church who makes my skin crawl.

This man at church has been causing problems for me and my SO for a damn year. He went from friendly side hugs to holding me, putting his arm around me, blocking me from entering the church without hugging him, kissing me on the cheek, and even attempting to pick me up and hug me. He's a very close talker and basically breathes in my face while talking to me.

He completely disregards my SO. He openly talks shit about him, saying he doesn't have to listen to my SO'S opinion, and he's just "the boyfriend" and has no say in how he doesn't like how I'm being treated.

He has zero respect for my relationship with my SO and acts like it doesn't exist, even when I openly bring him up to the guy. Like he's just disregarding that he exists and I don't wanna sound like I'm bitching but I feel straight up TARGETED.

He wont listen to either of our concerns. And I'm stern with him, I back up and tell him not to touch me, that it makes me uncomfortable and it's creepy. But because he's such a "fatherly" figurehead in the church everyone defends him more than they listen to me. The pastor has talked to him before even and he stopped for a while but during that time he started talking shit on my SO and how he didn't care about his opinion.

Many many church leaders I've spoken to defend him because he has a difficult home life. I understand his home situation, his mom is suffering from dementia and dying slowly, him and his wife and his kids and their kids all live in a small shitty trailer and that does suck, but they also defend his in church behavior because that's "the only way he can express love, by greeting people."

I really feel like this guy fits a definition of an abusive N, and so many of the church members, including his wife, are E's to the MAX.

I'm so ready to leave this church, drop all my volunteer obligations, and just go somewhere else. I don't see him treating other women, specifically married ones, like he treats me and the ones he does treat like me don't say anything, they just accept it as " the guy being lovable." I don't give a shit about whatever fatherly role he wants to project on me, I'm tired of it and I've given him and everything too many chances to get better. He seems to respect those married women a ton more, but respects nothing of me and my SO'S accomplishments or milestones in our relationship.

I feel like the only way he'd listen to what I'm saying would be if I literally screamed and acted crazy towards him. And I don't want to do that.

I feel so hesitant to leave the church because I'm so tied in with important volunteer work, and I can't avoid him because he's at EVERY church function, EVERY church service, EVERY church anything. I know so many people would come after me asking why I left and would attempt to manipulate me into coming back... last time me and my SO tried to leave we got caught up in that web and ended up returning. Only for him to double up on his creepiness.

Today he treated my SO terribly after he came back to church after being out for a month for church. My SO stands up to this man as much as I do, but the guy does not back down or even feel remotely intimidated by my SO. He sees straight through him.

This guy makes me feel so disgusting and violated. Me and my SO feel so stuck, especially since lately I've been going solo to the place. I have a taser on me at all times but I feel like this guy will escalate and overpower me at some point. And I feel like if things did come down to him taking it way too far, no one would believe me or they'd defend him or blame ME.

So, RBN, I'm crying in my bed and I'm so frustrated and feel so dirty and at fault and wrong and TERRIBLE. What do I do???

tl;dr: a man at my church has overstepped my personal boundaries and sexually harasses me. Short of becoming violent me and my SO have tried all we can to get the man to stop, but being bound by volunteer obligations it feels so difficult to leave. The church defends him. Being at church while my SO is away at work feels so dangerous and I feel like the guy will escalate. What do I do?

EDIT Thank you for the gold kind stranger! Don't donate to me though, donate to organizations that help with female sexual assault, trauma, abuse, and endangerment!

4 years, 2 months agoCassandraCubed posted on raisedbynarcissists.
June 8, 2015

This!

Here's a link to "The Gift of Fear" at Amazon.

[Triumph] SO's Nex tried to intimidate and hurt me. Proud of how I handled it. [R]

4 years, 2 months agoMay 28, 2015

[deleted]

4 years, 2 months agoSnarkSnout posted on raisedbynarcissists.
May 28, 2015

You responding to her, even one word, is feeding her obsession. Even if you ignore her for 2, 3, 4 months - the minute you respond to her even ONCE, you've bought yourself just that much more harassment.

You cannot logic with her. You cannot stop her from wanting to interfere. You just have to completely ignore, and then wait for her to eventually find another target for her obsession.

Please consider reading "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker. The author profiles many different types of stalker situations and gives great strategies to give you the best chance of getting out of such situations before they escalate further.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I had a stalker once and it was one of the worst experiences ever.

Jealous guy on Facebook digs himself into the deepest hole. [R]

4 years, 3 months agobathroomstalin posted submission on cringepics.
May 13, 2015
4 years, 3 months agobathroomstalin posted on cringepics.
May 13, 2015

Relevant reading:

The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker

Chapter 8: Persistence, Persistence (Dealing with people who refuse to let go)

I made something for those of you who want to start BJJ but are scared. Put this on your mirror and GO TRAIN. [R]

4 years, 4 months agogunslinger_006 posted submission on bjj.
April 9, 2015
4 years, 4 months agogunslinger_006 posted on bjj.
April 9, 2015

Oh yeah I totally get your drift now.

If you haven't read it, I highly recommend this book:

http://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1428612448&sr=8-1&keywords=gift+of+fear

Its an awesome read and really goes in depth about how the fear instinct evolved in us over the last 100,000 or so years.

[19/m] My mother is being stalked. I feel like killing him. How should I resolve this situation as a man? [R]

4 years, 5 months agoMarch 22, 2015

[deleted]

4 years, 5 months agolastgirlonmars posted on AskMen.
March 23, 2015

Please read the book, The Gift of Fear. It is written by a man who professionally deals with stalkers and the advice is incredible.

UPDATE: I'm being harassed at work! [R]

4 years, 5 months agoMarch 11, 2015

[deleted]

4 years, 5 months agoSnarkSnout posted on TwoXChromosomes.
March 14, 2015

Before getting a restraining order, do read that book I recommended in the last thread that discusses how to handle crazies and stalkers. Restraining orders often serve to escalate the harassment and increase the potential of violence in stalker situations. I'm not saying don't consider a restraining order, just have all the facts before you take that step.

I'm still frankly disappointed that your manager is going to try and reason with a nutcase to adjust his behavior. It will only make things worse for you. Why is she giving him a chance to keep coming back to the store? There should be no option of "be nice or don't play in our sandbox" - he's used up his chances and should be asked to leave the next time he comes into the store.

PS - here's the link to that book on Amazon. If you have a Kindle it costs a bit over 6 bucks: http://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1426322604&sr=8-1&keywords=the+gift+of+fear

Creepy Guy in my apartment complex... [R]

4 years, 5 months agofriesjones posted submission on LetsNotMeet.
Feb. 27, 2015

This is a few years back, about four I guess, when I was 16. I lived in a pretty nice apartment complex, nothing too fancy, but I always felt safe, even at night while walking my dogs. So, why would I not feel safe in the daytime while walking home from my school bus, surrounded by other kids?

I usually did feel safe. It was only about a three minute walk from my bus stop to my place, plus I walked past the leasing office on my way. Plenty of people around, nothing to worry about. I'd never had any issues before this.

One day though, I'm walking and this car pulls up next to me from behind. Guy inside looks pretty young, not too cute in my books but not the kind of guy that instantly makes you think "creeper". He starts talking to me, the usual, "What's your name, what school you go to" shit. Let me be clear, I am the worst at telling an annoying person to just fuck off. It's in my nature to be polite, so I just did the whole small talk thing and he went on his way, and I went to my apartment. He seemed harmless, so I wasn't phased.

Very next day, I'm on my way to my apartment again, even closer to my building than the day before. A little visual, just imagine a little bend in the parking lot that leads to my building and my building only. If I'm walking up there, it's obvious that's where I live.

Out of nowhere, this same guy comes FLYING up behind me and pulls up next to me. What did he need? "Oh, I forgot to ask you yesterday, do you have a boyfriend?". The fuck? I totally didn't have a boyfriend, but now I'm getting serious creeps from this dude, so I lied and said yes. The realization that he had not been driving behind me that whole time, had been laying in wait, parked somewhere until he saw me. OH MY GOD. I booked it to my apartment.

Okay, a few days go by and no creepy dude, I figure he lost interest. Good riddance. Until one day, walking home as usual, I see him. A little more visualization here, imagine a capital T shaped parking lot. I'm walking up the vertical part, on my way to my building, and I see this fucker drive fast as shit, from right to left, glancing down my way as he went. Where was he driving to? That little bend in the parking lot that lead to my building, and my building only. And when he glanced my way, oh yes, he saw me.

Still, I was creeped out, but not suuuper worried. A lot of people used that dead end parking lot as a turn around. I stopped and waited at the mailboxes for him to come back down the other way, because I wasn't risking another encounter, or him seeing which specific apartment was mine.

I waited. And I waited. Five minutes had passed, and I was stillll waiting. This guy had not turned around yet, and my parking lot was a dead end. He did not live in my building. He did not have friends in my building, because I had NEVER seen his car in my parking lot. He was just waiting. This fucker was just sitting there, for whatever reason, just waiting because he knew I lived there. When that dawned on me, I hauled ASS to the safety of the leasing office.

I texted my mom everything that had happened, and thanks to her flexible job, she came right home and got me. I half expected to see his car as we turned the corner to our building, but thankfully he had left by that time. I still don't know how long he waited there.

I didn't see the dude for a long time after that. I looked around buildings for his car so I could possibly report his tag number to the leasing office, but never saw it. I started thinking holy shit, what if he didn't even LIVE here and was somehow getting in the front gate to the complex. I did however, see him on occasion a few times after that. He never bothered me again, or maybe he didn't see me. Either way, I was grateful.

Typing all this out, I realize it doesn't sound as scary as it was to me. But that realization that he was just sitting there in his car waiting for me for who knows what reason was honestly the most terrifying feeling I've ever had, a feeling like "do NOT go up there" intuition type thing. It still makes me paranoid thinking about it, even though I don't even live there anymore.

4 years, 5 months agofriesjones posted on LetsNotMeet.
Feb. 27, 2015

You have a good instinct for sensing danger. Never let people tell you otherwise.

http://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835/

Thousands of Backlogged Rape Kits are Now Being Tested Across the US, Leading to Hundreds of Serial Rapists Being Identified [R]

4 years, 7 months agoAuthentic_Power posted submission on TwoXChromosomes.
Jan. 4, 2015
4 years, 7 months agoAuthentic_Power posted on TwoXChromosomes.
Jan. 5, 2015

> The Gift of Fear by a guy called Gavin De Becker

It's a free Kindle read with Amazon Prime. Thanks!

I have a stalker, what are my next steps? [R]

4 years, 8 months agoDec. 5, 2014

The Facts: 1) Over a year ago, I started getting texts from a number I don't know referring to me as "Marty" (which is not my name.) After the second or third text without me responding, I reply with pictures of Ja Rule and Randy Savage (this isn't a joke post, this is something I did because at the time I suspected they were prank texts, maybe from a friend)

2) Every now and then I would get another text from the person, a different number this time, still calling me Marty. I just ignored them, just thought it was an unoriginal prank.

3) Today, I leave my apartment to return a red box movie, in the ten minutes it takes me to do that and come back, a letter appears underneath my apartment door saying "for your eyes only." I open it up and it has a picture of a heart, with the words "hi Marty!" written above.

4) In this year, I have also had a window broken out on my car in my apartment parking lot, but leaving a GPS on the windshield, and money still in the cupholder.

So, my next move tomorrow is to go to a police station with the information I've supplied here, just so I can get it on the record. But what will they do besides saying "cool story, man" and put the file into a giant manila envelope to never be seen again? I am not a person who makes enemies, and almost no one knows where I even live. I still have the texts, and I have the letter. So that's the hard evidence I'm packing. Please advise.

4 years, 8 months agomrrp posted on legaladvice.
Dec. 5, 2014

>So far you've received a few texts and a letter.

Getting a letter via USPS to your mailbox is receiving a letter. Having a letter shoved under your apartment door right after you leave the premises is not. I would take this very seriously.

Call the police. I'd suggest you have them meet you at your apartment rather than you going to the station. If this person is watching you, you want him or her to know you're taking action.

Trust your guts.

guy stalking me. Losing my mind. Please help [R]

4 years, 9 months agoNov. 10, 2014

[deleted]

4 years, 9 months agokitcat_kittycat posted on TwoXChromosomes.
Nov. 10, 2014

There is a really great book related to this topic called The Gift of Fear. It covers protecting yourself from this kind of behavior. I am so sorry you're going through this and the law offers so little protection from this particular variety of creep.

I was physically threatened (5v1) on Sunday night - this is how keeping calm defused the situation [R]

4 years, 11 months agoquincy_leach posted submission on guns.
Sept. 10, 2014

tl;dr - I was walking alone at night in the city (Seattle) and did not listen to my gut instincts, got into a bad situation and was surrounded/hassled by five men who accosted me. I remained calm and told them that there didn't need to be a fight. One of them decided I was "aight" and slapped hands with me, and the rest let me go. Nothing was picked from my pockets or bag, nor was anything deposited on my person.


So to set the scene, I'm a 6'3" 220 pound male and I was walking back to my car on Sunday night after having been out for coffee and a dinner with a female friend. I am a conceal carrier (Shield in 40S&W @ 6 o'clock), but had chosen not to carry that night because I anticipated both alcohol consumption and that the bag I was taking would prohibit safe carrying (I have a new messenger bag worn diagonally that completely eliminated my ability to draw with my primary hand).

For those familiar with the region, I'm leaving a restaurant on Capitol Hill in Seattle, about 11PM at night. I'm reasonably familiar with the area, though it is distinctly not my home territory. Like most nights, there were many people around and I was feeling pretty comfortable with my relatively short walk back to my car. As I'm crossing Broadway and Pike (two major streets on the hill) I see a group of 5 men leaning on a wall partially in the shadows. They're all smoking just beyond a Shell gas station on the same side of the street as me. While I was already crossing the street closer to them, I thought for a moment about crossing the street a second time once I reached the other side, but there still seemed to be a significant amount of foot traffic and I did not want to appear racist or like I was obviously attempting to avoid them. That was my first mistake.

Anyway, mentally congratulating myself on not profiling these 5 gentlemen, I still made sure that my hands were free and to maintain awareness of the world around me. Right about the time my stride carried me even with them, I saw a flash of motion to my right side (which was the side they were on) and as I turned my head one of them hit me from behind. To be clear, this individual had detached from the wall and run into me with his body from approximately my 4 o'clock. He maintained full body contact, pushing his torso against me as he wrapped from my 4 through my 6, my 9, and around to my 12. My first instinct was to step forward and away from the initial impact, though as he rotated around me body I was essentially "herded" back toward the wall and his compatriots. That was my second mistake.

Once the primary antagonist reached my 12, his arm was up on the horizontal and he repeatedly struck my chest with his forearm, rocking my body. He was significantly shorter than me and the upward thrust of his arm had imbalanced me at the critical moment where I could have (and should have) bolted. As I was reacting to this, I belatedly realized that his friends had already moved up behind me and I was encircled. I will give them credit, they did a great job of distracting me while this went down. The whole thing happened in about 5 seconds and was a big wake up call for my reaction time.

Now essentially boxed in (which is an absolutely horrendous feeling), the first individual started talking to me. He continued to strike me in the chest in an effort to keep me off balance and was yelling and asking me if I wanted to fight. Now, I'm a big guy, but I don't want to have to fight 1 person, let alone 5, and at this point I recognize that I am essentially defenseless and quickly running out of time and options. My thought at the moment was that if I could not rapidly deescalate the situation, I would just toss my bag and run for it. I had some hope that it would distract some, if not all, of the aggressors and I knew that there wasn't anything in my bag worth getting beaten for. Heck there wasn't a thing on me that I wouldn't have happily traded to not be in that situation a moment longer than I needed to be.

My only reply to the individual in front of me was "Nah man, there's no need for that." I said it as evenly and calmly as I could, which frankly was a more or less deadpanned delivery. Internally my fight or flight instinct was hammering that it was "GO TIME!", and my heart rate was through the roof, but my voice came out amazingly steady and even. He even seemed a bit surprised by my response and he stopped hitting me in the chest for a moment. Again I said, "There's no need." We made eye contact for a good 3 more seconds, he stepped back, threw up the hand that he had been hitting me with and said "you aight man!" He held his hand up for at least a full second before my brain processed what was happening, I threw mine out low, we slapped hands, interlocked fingers, did the whole pull and snap routine, his buddies behind me backed off and let go of me, and they all went back to the wall. I walked just far enough to get mostly out of easy sight range and patted myself down, everything was where it should have been, nothing was lifted and they didn't slip anything into my pockets or bag. I was able to make the last few blocks of my walk back to my car unmolested and left the city for home.

So to summarize, a few mistakes I am aware of:

  • I didn't listen to my gut instinct about a situation - evolution has honed those instincts into us all for a reason, it served our ancestors well, and we should respect it. Screw society or perceived racism. I will not end up as a victim again because I'm afraid of hurting someone's feelings.
  • I didn't react quickly enough to the situation around me - Given how I was paying enough attention to notice the start of the altercation, I should have had an exit plan to avoid it in the first place/bolted the second the guy hit me from behind.

Some thoughts that occurred to me post the event:

  • I should have a means to defend/protect myself that isn't inhibited by my bag - My new messenger back is awesome and I'm still getting used to having it, now I need to update my carry option to accommodate the changes in my routine; Even my leatherman is now secured in a pouch of the bag. I no longer have an easy access item for self defense.
  • in this particular circumstance, I was glad I wasn't carrying - having a pistol in that scenario would most likely have done more harm than good, even if I had not drawn, if additional hostilities had occurred there is a strong change my pistol would have been discovered and taken from me
  • I should be in better shape - This is a confidence thing, I wasn't sure that even if I had run whether I could escape the situation
  • I need to know more about the city and myself - I was not the only individual person walking that street, I was far from being alone as there were people all around, and yet no one else was hassled while I was there OR in any of my previous visits to the area. Thus, I can only conclude that there was some reason why I was targeted vs similarly equipped (and frankly significantly smaller) individuals around me.

EDIT1:

I believe I did a poor job explaining the physical nature of the altercation. Only one assailant struck me, which was the principle antagonist. He hit me from behind and then repeatedly in the chest (sternum area). When I was encircled one of the assailants in my 8-7 o'clock restrained me and another from the 4 o'clock pushed me irregularly while I was being accosted.


EDIT2:

I've been getting a lot of PMs about how my messenger bag could interfere with my draw. It is linked below in one of the comments. To keep things simple it can be found here

4 years, 11 months agoquincy_leach posted on guns.
Sept. 11, 2014

"... not profiling these 5 gentlemen, I still made sure that my hands were free "

Two mistakes: not profiling and keeping your hands out. You addressed the first but about the second...

When they saw your hands free they likely assumed you had no weapon. If, when you saw them, you reached for a sidearm (in a pocket, in a bag, behind you) and you kept your hand there, then they would have likely considered the possibility that you were armed.

You're far too PC! It can get you killed; you need to shake off that cruft. Gavin DeBoecker has written some excellent books on this (not self-defense, but how to accept your body's warning signals).

However I must say that it is to your credit that you

  • kept your cool and answered the guy in an adult fashion, which likely caused him to see you as a real person and not as a target and
  • knew the "secret handshake". At that point, my ignorance might have killed me.

Gun carrying lesbians. [R]

4 years, 12 months agoNumber_06 posted submission on actuallesbians.
Aug. 25, 2014

do any of you carry?

4 years, 12 months agoNumber_06 posted on actuallesbians.
Aug. 26, 2014

First, I'm not saying that it's either/or. However, just as there are a lot of people who mistakenly think that waving a gun around will magically make the evil go away, there are also a lot of people who mistakenly think that martial arts give them some magical advantage over anyone wielding a firearm. I'm going to assume that neither of us are subject to this kind of magical thinking.

Owning and carrying a firearm responsibly takes training and practice. Most law-abiding gun owners go to the range more than police do. We also learn the laws in our states regarding when it is legal or not legal to use a handgun in self-defense or defense of another.

Firearms work at a greater distance than martial arts. By the time someone is close enough for hand-to-hand fighting, you simply aren't going to have time to draw and fire a gun outside some very narrow circumstances. So, yes, martial arts can be useful, but they are not the be-all, end-all defense against firearms that some people like to claim. Nor are firearms the be-all, end-all defense against everything that some people like to claim, either.

Run if you can (I can't because I'm waiting for knee replacement surgery in both legs).
De-escalate if possible.
Fight or shoot as a very last resort.

My decision to get my permit and to carry was not made lightly, but three encounters I had in my taxi (when I was still capable of running) helped change my mind. You better believe I'm familiar with the laws regarding defensive gun use in my state. I also did a lot of reading about de-escalation and conflict avoidance, because even though I understand that I might someday need to shoot someone to defend myself, I'd really rather not have to. I recommend these four books:

The Art of the Con by Gary F. Cornelius;
The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker;
The Little Black Book of Violence by Lawrence Kane and Kris Wilder;
Meditations on Violence by Rory Miller.

I was followed into the bathroom and assaulted 5 days ago, and this is how I feel & what I've learned [R]

5 years agodelicate_flower posted submission on TwoXChromosomes.
Aug. 14, 2014

I am an 18 year old female and I train at an ice rink every day. Five days ago, there was an event going on at the rink so there were more people than usual. A man (I thought he looked about 30 and a little rough, but I didn’t think much of it) was standing near the door and held it for me as I entered the rink area. I put my bag and skates down, and went to the bathroom. All part of the daily routine. While I was peeing, I heard the door open and close but I didn’t hear anyone come in. I didn’t think it was unusual; maybe someone just decided they didn’t have to go. So I finished up and went to wash my hands. I saw someone through the mirror, standing in the corner of the room, but somehow it slipped my mind. I think that’s because I was just going through the motions, like I do every morning. Also, I try not to make awkward eye contact with people in bathrooms and I didn’t look too closely.

So as I was rinsing, I didn’t even have time to react before the guy had me in a headlock and ripped me backwards, firmly telling me to “Come with me.” I stumbled 2 steps backwards and yelled “Get the FUCK off me” and forcefully twisted down out of his grip (towards his fist, not his armpit, if you can visualize that) and sprinted out the opposite door that led into the lobby.

I ran about 20 feet to the front desk when it suddenly hit me what had just happened and I got very nauseous. I leaned onto the counter and hysterically told the front desk guy that a man just tried to grab me in the bathroom, and perfectly on cue as if to prove my point, creep comes running out saying “I was in the mens room! I was in the mens room!” Lol nice try. At that point another desk guy ran out of the office and placed himself between myself and the creep, who was slowly approaching as I cried hysterically. The front desk guy told the creep not to move and told people to call the police, and he gave me the keys to his office so I could get some privacy. One of my male teammates came in to check on me, and after about 10 minutes I came out to find that the police had arrested him. They had me fill out a report and left.

My teammates were really supportive. I still skated that day because “if some deranged retard can prevent me from skating, I’m pretty sure anyone can.” My coach started calling me hardass because I acted unaffected. All my parents had to say was “that’s my girl!” Everyone knows but no one talks about it in front of me. Oddly enough, my coworkers didn’t seem to believe me. :/ When I told them they were all like “Noooo…. Really? Nuh uh! Hahaha that’s crazy!”

Anyways how am I now? I’ve become incredibly, uncomfortably paranoid but I think that will subside. Today I was walking alongside the rink and a man was walking behind me, and I kept looking back at him until he just stopped walking because I think he realized he was making me uncomfortable. I have become hyper vigilant about people checking me out, which isn’t that much, but I notice. A detective followed up with me and said it was likely that I will be asked to testify against him in court, which is stressing me out because a) it’s a hassle and b) I just want to forget it.

With that all being said, I want to tell you ladies the things I’ve learned seeing as the situation could have been avoided if I were a little more aware.

  1. This shit can happen to anyone. I am 5’10” and muscular and this dumbass still tried to abduct me. Even right after, I felt happy that it happened to me and not one of my smaller, lighter teammates because I don’t know how they would have fared.

  2. The most frightening thing for me was how quickly the creep was able to get his hands on me before I could make a move. I got off easy, but if he had a knife or was actually stronger/put up more of a fight, I would have been screwed. I know it’s been drilled into your head, but you have to remember to be aware.

  3. Don’t give people the benefit of doubt. I assume everyone is good and a mix of my unawareness and naivety is what allowed this guy to get close. If there’s someone standing near your car or in the shadows or in the bathroom, don’t assume they’re waiting for someone like I used to.

  4. Even if you go somewhere every day and it becomes your second home, don’t get too comfortable. If anything’s off, make clear what it is. I think this youtube video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJG698U2Mvo is a good example of how my mind allowed me to ignore this guy. Be conscious.

  5. Take self defense courses. I took 2 with Girl Scouts and I think it helped me.

That’s all I got. I wrote this because I think I can use my situation as a friendly reminder to be conscious of your surroundings and that this can happen to anyone. If anyone has any advice on how to deal with the paranoia, stories of their own, or whatever, I would love to hear them.

XX

Edit: thank you all so much for the nice comments! I've read them all and there's so much solid advice in here. And thanks to whoever gave me gold!

5 years agodelicate_flower posted on TwoXChromosomes.
Aug. 15, 2014

To the OP... and every other person reading this thread....

Please go out today and get a copy of Gavin de Becker's book, "The Gift of Fear".

The information in that book is as valuable as any strike or self-defense technique. Maybe more.

  • The other book that should be required reading for anyone interested in staying alive in a worst-case scenario is "Strong of Defense".

Get those books today and read them.

OP, as far as your anxiety and paranoia, they are completely normal and expected. These feelings will likely fade pretty quickly. I might also suggest you look into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for some practical strategies you can use to help you cope and conquer.

I wish you well.

My drunk neighbor gets the hose. [R]

5 years agoAug. 1, 2014

[deleted]

5 years agomikeypipes posted on videos.
Aug. 2, 2014

People generally advise against restraining orders for these situations. They can often very quickly turn a bad situation into a worse one. They work well against normal law-abiding citizens and for those who fear consequences. For most of the people you might want to take a restraining order out on, this gentleman for example, they've already shown they have little regard for social norms or consequences, amd don’t always fear the police, arrest, jail, prison, or even death by their own hands.

Typically what restraining orders do, especially in domestic violence cases, is escalate the situation to the next level, whereas it previously existed as an "uncomfortable" but somewhat manageable situation.

If you haven't previously come across any of this kind of stuff, I highly recommend this book. I had my sister read it when she was younger, and try to get most girlfriends to read it these days (though none have, I assume because they haven't had any trouble of this nature and it's hard for them to envision such a thing happening in the future). One of the main points of the book though is that violence can happen to anybody, but it often has signs that precede its occurrence.

Mentally unstable ex-husband threatens to "thoroughly fuck me up." Restraining order pending [CAW][Repost] [R]

5 years, 1 month agomiz_dwarfstar posted submission on creepyPMs.
July 21, 2014
5 years, 1 month agomiz_dwarfstar posted on creepyPMs.
July 22, 2014

Stop replying. No matter how many messages he sends you or how nasty they get, don't reply. Every time you respond you encourage him to keep coming at you with more. Even saying "I don't want to talk to you" is talking to him, and it's giving him the interaction he feeds off of. Cut him off and starve him. Document everything he sends you and file a report with the police. Also, find a copy of The Gift of Fear. It may help you.

[HELP] Creepy neighbor, need advice! [R]

5 years, 1 month agoGalinor posted submission on TwoXChromosomes.
July 5, 2014

I could use your input and your help.

Background: 23yo female, I live in a small apartment complex in a bad part of town. Like, very bad. One of the highest rates of crime in the USA bad. I’m a low-income college student who lives with my fiancé, who works nights—so I am home alone 5/7 nights of the week. Our lease is not up until November, but we have grown to love the people in this complex and would be heartbroken to move. Most of the neighbors are lovable, anyway.

Over the past few months, my downstairs neighbor has been getting more and more creepy. He is a 40-45 year old man who lives alone, although we sometimes see him get visited by family. Other neighbors have said that he picks up prostitutes and brings them back, but I have never seen this. He is also not from America originally (I believe he told his neighbor that he is Japanese), and there is a little bit of a language barrier.

Whenever I walk by him, he calls my name out and will try to get me to speak to him, even if I ignore him. He will wait until I am outside to go to his mailbox, and will shout my name to come down when he barbecues outside. Several neighbors have seen him watch me from behind his screen when I walk by.

He tries to talk to me about my fiancé when he is not with me, but I do not respond to him. He will wait until I come outside to come outside. I used to be polite out of discomfort, and was even nice to him before all the creepiness started, but I have taken to just not acknowledging him.

Last night, he was very drunk while we were celebrating the 4th of July. I had one beer from a friend, and he kept calling my name out, trying to get me to have another beer. My landlady stared him down and went “She doesn’t need a beer.” And I reiterated it. When another woman asked for a beer, he went inside and didn’t come out for the rest of the night. Another neighbor has now heard him tell the other neighbor that he thinks I am pretty, and that he likes me.

At this point, he has not done anything threatening. He has not propositioned me, or called me pretty to my face, or come upstairs at all to try to get near my home. He just makes me very uncomfortable, and I am worried that if I tell him to back off, he might retaliate.

Even though I do not fear for my safety, I admit that it is difficult to sleep at night with my fiancé not home, even with my front door and bedroom door locked, and even with my weird assortment of weapons in my bedroom (taser, pepper spray, axe/hatchet, machete, bb-gun that looks like a real one, knives). I carry a whistle and pepper spray with me wherever I go, as well.

I have decided to simply not acknowledge him, except for if he asks me a direct question. I have been pretending to listen to headphones every time I leave my apartment, just so he will leave me alone. My neighbors have seen now how creepy he is, and have said that if they see him staring or getting too close, they will tell him he is being creepy. My fiancé is willing to talk to him, but I want to wait until he actually gets scary. My landlady is keeping an eye out on me.

The stalking laws in my state dictate that you need to have a reasonable threat to my well-being. At this point, I don’t see the threat. He has never invaded my personal space. I am just uncomfortable and unhappy that I have to deal with him.

He is most likely just a very lonely man with a crush, but it still makes me weirded out and uncomfortable, especially once my fiancé is at work.

I understand that some people might think I am overreacting, but please understand that I am simply asking what do to about bad vibes and creepy behavior that hasn't crossed a dangerous line, when it comes to a neighbor you will see every day.

tl;dr: How have you dealt with creepy neighbors who have not crossed any police-worthy lines? Does that behavior change when you are by yourself? When is it the right time to get official help?

5 years, 1 month agoGalinor posted on TwoXChromosomes.
July 5, 2014

I'm sorry, this sounds pretty stressful. Absolutely trust your instincts, and perhaps look into this reading material. I agree with the other poster about loudly telling him to stop, this makes it clear what you want, and it makes the situation clear to observers as well.

I disagree with the other commenter about your carrying pepper spray being 'escalation.' You have every right to carry whatever weapon you consider reasonable.

CMV: It makes no sense that women are more afraid of walking around alone than men are [R]

5 years, 2 months agolooseleaf posted submission on changemyview.
May 31, 2014

It makes no sense to me that women are more afraid of violent crime than men, and furthermore, that feminists, who are supposedly trying to make women's lives better, encourage this irrational belief. (By "irrational" I mean "not founded in the actual state of the real world, but instead based on a gut feeling or faith or whatever")

Men are far more likely to be the victim of violent crime than women are. Men make up the vast majority of assault, battery, and murder victims. There are nearly ten times as many assaults as rapes. If you include "forced to penetrate someone against your will" as a form of rape (and don't include prison rape), the odds of a man being raped in a given year are nearly identical to the odds of a woman being raped in that year. Furthermore, rape (the only violent crime where a case can be made for women being more at risk than men) is nearly always committed by someone known to the victim, indoors, in a place known to the victim and assailant (such as a bar, one of their houses, a mutual friend's house, etc). Assault, conversely, takes place mostly outside, committed by strangers.

And yet, women are consistently more afraid of walking around outside (at night, alone, but also in general) than men are. This makes no sense to me: change my view.

There is also a second, related issue that I am confused by. I see articles written by and linked on Facebook etc by self-professed feminists which strongly encourage this (seemingly irrational) fear. For example: http://kateharding.net/2009/10/08/guest-blogger-starling-schrodinger%E2%80%99s-rapist-or-a-guy%E2%80%99s-guide-to-approaching-strange-women-without-being-maced/

This also makes no sense to me. Women are less at risk of this than men, and being afraid all the time sucks, and since they're less at risk than men this fear serves no useful purpose to them, so all that writing this sort of article does is make women's lives worse. Yet when I say that, I get yelled at and dog piled by the feminists who link these articles, who call me a misogynist, sexist, an uncaring and unfeeling ass, and on and on.

That makes negative sense to me, and has caused me to self-identify as an anti-feminist, because the overwhelming majority of feminist thought I encounter is of the form "women should hold this harmful irrational belief" or "men are evil" or "no man has ever suffered". A slight exaggeration, but only slight (sometimes they make very legitimate points about economics). This seeming total lack of ability (or willingness?) to think about these issues rationally combined with people calling me anti-feminist when I point out that this is irrational has convinced me that I am (and should be!) against the actual existing-in-the-real-world thing called "feminism" (as opposed to the "women should have the same rights as men, including the right to walk around without fear" definition of feminism, which I am enthusiastically in favor of, and which seems diametrically opposed to feminism-in-practice).

Change my view, please. It would make my life a lot easier if I didn't believe these things. Only actual real world data has any significant chance of changing my mind, but I am also curious to hear the non-data-driven arguments, so as to better understand where the people who disagree with me are coming from and why they believe what they believe.

Citations: http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crime_in_the_United_States#Violent_crime

National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey 2010, page 19

5 years, 2 months agolooseleaf posted on changemyview.
May 31, 2014

Biologically, one of the three largest drivers of fears is response unavailability (when a person does not know how to handle a difficult situation). Much like people's fear of flying even though it is statistically small compared to driving, the fears of women may be less based on the likelihood of assault and rather their perceived lack of power. As women tend to be smaller and less physically strong, they have a larger number of people where they are at a physical disadvantage. When assessing the risk of an immediate situation, and considering that women still have a risk of being raped, assaulted, or robbed, the level of fear women feel could easily be attributed to a weakened ability to fight off the worse rather than a reaction to their overall statistical risk.

Additionally, the vast majority of women experience some form of street harassment, which can be unpleasant and unwanted without ever escalating to harm to their person or belongings. One who receives negative attention on a consistent basis, even in public places in broad daylight, is exceptionally aware there are people out there who wish them ill as well as having every rational reason to try to minimize their risk of such attention.

The fear is supported by both physical differences and consistent experiences: it is founded in the the actual state of the world. While applying this fear to all men or all potential vulnerabilities would be unproductive, fear can impart valuable information. Understanding how fear can call us to look for potential risks encourages people to understand their immediate situation, rather than calling on women to just think men are inherently scary. The former is valuable and rational, the latter is not.

[support] ACoN, NC with Nmother for about 1.5 years, and now she sends me this e-mail. Possible [trigger warning] [R]

5 years, 4 months ago[deleted] posted submission on raisedbynarcissists.
April 8, 2014

First I just want to say how happy, relieved, and amazed I am that this community exists. Its one thing to hear these things from family friends and parents of my friends who were my allies and buffers while I was growing up, but its another thing completely to hear my story echoed through so many other voices. I'm so happy that none of us are alone.

I had originally typed up a big long thing here about my neglectful and emotionally abusive Nmother, my irresponsible and distant Nfather, and my alcoholic, physically and sexually abusive Nstep-father, but most of it is water under the bridge. I'll skip to the important parts.

My Nmother stole my identity from the time I was 18 until I was 22. For 4 years, she opened accounts(credit cards, utilities, cellphones, you name it) using her name and my SS#, used the accounts, maxed out the balances, didn't pay a penny, and let it all go into collections. By the time I found out about it, my credit score was in the bottom 5% of the country. 406.

My Nfather was unhelpful and I ended up living out of my car for 2 months while I tried to get my life together. I was advised by a lawyer, my boss, all the companies issuing credit, and so many other people to file a police report against her. So I did. I told the cop that I filed the report with that I didn't want to press charges, but they overlooked that and arrested her anyway. She managed to convince the detective that she had done nothing wrong and was only doing it to keep a roof over our heads, so even if I had wanted to press charges, it doesn't seem like it would have gone anywhere.

Its still an ongoing process to get all of it cleared off my credit report, but every time something comes up, I dispute it and it goes away. I'm determined to beat the cycle.

So a few weeks ago, my mother got hit by a car crossing the street at night. Nothing fatal, her shoulder joint separated by about a quarter of an inch. No broken ribs, no broken bones, no concussion. She was pretty lucky. She promptly refused to wear the sling that the doctor gave her. I'm still NC with her, so I'm hearing all of this through my younger sister who still lives with her. Then I get this e-mail from her:

Fwd: My Deepest ApologyI have wanted to write this letter the past year and half but thought you would just reject it. But since I had this accident, and it could have been fatal for me, I decided to write it anyway and tell you how I feel. In case something else should happen in my life and I never get the chance to.

I am sorry I hurt you. I did not mean to. I dont want to get into the whys this happen because I want to put it behind us. I was wrong, I have gone to therapy for this and I admit I was wrong. I was very hurt you had me arrested for this afterall I am your mother. We could have talked about it first and worked together but I do understand why you felt you had to and I do forgive you for that.

You have hurt me tremendously too rainbowtastical. and your sister. You are not the only victim here. But we love you and want to do whatever it takes to bring us back together. You are my daughter and I need you in my life. And your sister will be having alot of milestones coming up in her life and needs us to share them with her together as a family.

If you want to go to counseling so we can get past this I would be happy to.

When I saw that car coming at me and the lights getting closer and closer and realized that guy was not going to stop and I was going to be hit. the only thing that flashed thru my mind at that moment was I wonder if rainbowtastical will forgive me now and come to my funeral?

I dont know what else to say or do to make things right with you. But your sister needs us to be a family again. I need you as a daughter again. We need to forgive each other and move forward.

I have been given a second chance with this accident. God could have taken me or left me as a vegetable. Instead he gave me the ability to get better quickly and stronger to be able to pick up my life with a new meaning and strength and start over and make a better life for me and your sister.

She needs your sisterly advice with the boyfriend situation because she does not listen to me and I am at my nerves end with both of them.

I returned to the (name removed) Church and reconnected with alot of my friends from there. The new pastor is great. She has been a great support for me thru this and getting over the whole (Nstepfather) chapter in my life.

I realize now He was a big part of my lifes problems and should have never let him into our lives. I learned alot of bad things from him and will regret it as long as I live.

As far as your dad is concerned: I get the impression he thinks I am upset about the whole emancipation thing. I am not. I knew it would happen eventually when he finally got up off his butt to take care of it. I told him long time ago he had to do it and I could not do it for him. I am not mad about it. Wish he would stop acting like something is wrong because of it.

I miss you, I love you, I forgive you and I am so sorry for everything. Whatever I have to do to help you forgive me I will. I was so hoping you were going to put it behind us and come to the hospital that night. I really needed you there and so did your sister.

We need you back with us. Love you Always. Mom

So, after having NC for a year, I want to respond. I finally feel secure enough in who I am and what I stand for to respond from a place that isn't one of anger and resentment. I'm not looking for this to be a continued conversation, and if she responds, I highly doubt that I will respond back. I want this to end the conversation and say "no" as concisely, politely, and firmly as possible.

This is what I've come up with:

Susan,

You title your letter an apology, but it reads more as an attempt to persuade me to invite you back into my life. This is something that I will not do.

Over the past year and a half, I have worked very hard to build my life into exactly what I want it to be. My life is filled only with those who I trust completely and can rely on for support of my decisions, ambitions, and actions. Due to your own actions, you are not welcome within that circle. All relationships are based on trust, and that is something that I will never have in you again.

I have kept up regular contact with (my sister) and do whatever I can to help her. I would be happy to be present at her big milestones. However, be aware that I will be nothing more than courteous towards you.

The fact that you still deny that you should have been arrested is proof enough that a majority of the rest of your e-mail is not coming from a place of authenticity, but a place of deceit. If you will recall, I did attempt to work with you on this matter in the very beginning. We made arrangements that you quickly broke.

I am not here to clean up your messes, to fix your mistakes, or to provide you a means to acquire services that you cannot afford. Please be aware that what you did was illegal and that is why you were arrested for it. You are not above the law. Using someone else's personal identifying information for your own purposes is punishable by a court of law. As a paralegal, I would expect you to understand an idea as basic and obvious as this one.

I forgive your actions because they have forged me into a stronger and happier person than I ever imagined I could be. Had you not done what you did, I would never have learned to stand up for myself, or how valuable the word "no" is. But by doing all that you did, you secured your place outside of my circle of trust, and you will not be permitted back in.

I am glad you have gone back to the (name removed) church. Spirituality is important, and I hope that you are able to find some stability, direction, and purpose there. You use the word "need" quite often, and I'm not sure you understand what it means. None of what you claim "we need" is anything that I need, and if they were things you truly needed, you would have considered the consequences of your actions and not lost them to begin with.

Warmest wishes, rainbowtastical

Edit: formatting Edit #2: After reading a lot of the comments about why I shouldn't sent it, I decided I wasn't going to. Now I'm back on the fence, because she does need to know where my boundaries are so that I can shut her down when she crosses them in person. I think I'll hold onto my letter for now and send it when I've decided something a little more concrete.

You are all wonderful resources of support, inspiration, and understanding. Thanks so much for all the responses!

5 years, 4 months ago[deleted] posted on raisedbynarcissists.
April 8, 2014

You should read The Gift of Fear, it addresses more or less this exact issue.

Essentially what it says is that no matter what you say, every time you contact the person you're trying to avoid you buy yourself another six weeks of misery as they respond to it. You have nothing to gain and a lot to lose by contacting her. If you ignore ten emails and reply on the eleventh, the only thing she learns is that it takes eleven emails to get you to respond. She is literally incapable of internalizing the ideas you put forward in your letter. The absolute best response, and from my perspective the only response that will work for your benefit, is complete and utter silence.

Resist the urge, OP! Resist!

disturbing letter from my neighbor [R]

5 years, 4 months agoMarch 27, 2014

I'm going to the police tomorrow but this is a small enough town that they're closed for the night. So in the meantime, I can't sleep and I need to vent.

I found a letter in my mailbox today, no stamp, the envelope just had handwritten on it "from the guy next door". It contained a badly handwritten letter on lined paper, addressed "to the girl next door" and two full-page printouts of grainy webcam photos from some porn site (the address was at the bottom of the pages). The guy thinks it's me in the pictures and he was basically "warning" and threatening me, saying I'm "playing a dangerous game" and that the pictures will make a nice poster (they're barely even NSFW, nothing is really showing and you can't really see the woman's face in either of them). It's not me and I don't know how he thinks he even knows what I look like, because I don't know this guy at all.

I might have met him once: a few months ago, I was taking the garbage bins to the curb and I saw a man maybe late teens or early twenties taking out garbage from the house next to mine at the same time. I said "hello!" and he just stared at me so I went back inside my house. I thought maybe he hadn't heard me. The whole interaction took about 10 seconds. It was getting dark out, I didn't get a good look at his face and I don't think he could have gotten a good look at mine.

I live by myself in a house on a corner so there's only one house that's really next door to me and there's another house that's behind mine. As far as I know, the house behind mine has a middle-aged couple with two elementary school children, and the house next-door to mine has an elderly woman. I just checked the county records online and those are still the owners. So I don't know who this guy was. He's not the same race as the elderly woman, so probably not a relative. When I saw him with the garbage, I thought she must have moved out, but she's still the owner according to the county records. I haven't seen her in a while. It's possible she's moved out and is renting out the house. Is there a way to find that out?

So I'll take it to the police as soon as they're open and see what they recommend. I need to start a paper trail and find out who actually put the letter in my mailbox and what his name is in case it becomes necessary to get a restraining order.

I don't want to type out the whole letter but the guy seems disturbed. At a lab where I used to work, we got letters and phone calls from a guy in another state who was in and out of mental institutions; he thought we could help him with some kind of child molestation conspiracy he believed he'd uncovered. We were in contact with his local police and they said he was harmless and the staff at the mental institution were told not to let him call us but they couldn't hold him indefinitely because he wasn't committing any crimes and when he was out, he would call us from pay phones, which meant we couldn't get the number blocked. The way this letter was written reminded me a lot of that: the grandiosity, the weird sexual shit, the shaky handwriting.

So I hope the police will talk to this guy and get him some help. If I'm estimating his age correctly, it's unlikely someone that age could afford to rent that house by himself (I'm in my 30s), and I have seen a middle-aged man outside the house, maybe that's his dad. I hope this is just some kid who just needs to learn how to behave appropriately.

I am seriously considering moving to my parents' house for a while. I'll talk to the police first and see what they think.

This stupid letter has made me feel so unsafe. It really pisses me off how easy it is for someone to do that do another person.

edit: update - I'm back from the police station and my mom will be here soon to help me move the essential stuff to her place. There wasn't an officer available but the person at the desk read the letter and looked at the pictures, took my statement and gave me a case number. She said it'll be up to the officer who takes the case later today whether they'll take any further action. Because "guy from next door" didn't write his name on the letter, though I told her about the weirdness when I took out the garbage a few weeks ago. So I've given them my cell phone number and the officer will call me later today if they have any questions. She didn't seem to think it was a big deal, she thought the letter was "weird" but not threatening. I think the fact that he thinks it's OK to put that in the mailbox of someone who's practically a stranger, and the stuff he wrote about putting it on a poster, I think those indicate that he doesn't have a good handle on how to behave appropriately.

Also I went to the post office and got a change of address form - I can have my mail sent to my mom's - and I got a padlock for the garden gate, per the police person's advice. She also said to ask neighbors that I trust if they have security cameras that might have filmed the guy delivering the letter. Thre's only one house that's facing the right direction, but I know her so I'll ask, and I'm e-mailing the chair of the neighborhood watch.

I had been planning to sell this place in a few months anyway, I guess I'll just start moving early. I don't think I'm going to spend the night here again. And I'm not leaving my cat here alone.

Thank you so much for all your support! There are a lot of new comments since I last checked, I'll read them now while I'm waiting for my mom.

edit 2: follow-up here

5 years, 4 months agoBlueRusalka posted on TwoXChromosomes.
March 27, 2014

Based on your edit, I think you are doing 100% the right thing. It really sucks that this guy can affect your life so much with something as small as a letter, but it happened and now all you can do is deal with the situation in front of you. And you're doing great.

I want to highly recommend that you buy and read [The Gift of Fear] (http://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835/ref=sr11?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1395939077&sr=1-1&keywords=the+gift+of+fear) by Gavin de Becker. It's a very interesting and well-written book, and also incredibly useful if you happen to have a stalker. I work at a domestic violence shelter, and I recommend that book to many of my clients. And all my friends. And basically everybody.

This is a scary situation, but you're doing awesome. Even if the police don't seem to think it's "threatening," it IS. What he did is absolutely a threat. He said, "I know where you live, I know what you look like naked, and I think I have ownership of that." Even if he's wrong (about it being you in the pictures) that's still a warning, so take it for what it is! Trust yourself, and listen to your instincts. Instincts can be incredibly useful, and yours are telling you to run far away. So run away. There's nothing dishonorable about running to protect yourself. Run away this one time, and hopefully you won't ever have to deal with him again.

Good luck! Message me if you want to talk about anything. I have some experience dealing with stalkers and scary people, so I'm definitely happy to talk with you if you need it.

Sorry but this needs to be said.. [R]

5 years, 5 months agoMarch 17, 2014

[deleted]

5 years, 5 months agofishbulb- posted on LetsNotMeet.
March 17, 2014

You would probably enjoy The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker.

It contains a bunch of creepy, /r/LetsNotMeet-style stories about stalkers and murderers and such, written by a security expert who explains why your gut is such a good warning system and how you can use it better to keep yourself safe.

A fun and disturbing read.

Jesus, I can't take my nmom. (More stupid shit she says). [R]

5 years, 5 months agoMarch 16, 2014

[deleted]

5 years, 5 months agosshutterbbug posted on raisedbynarcissists.
March 17, 2014

I just finished Gavin de Becker's "The Gift of Fear" this weekend and your post reminds me of a his chapter on people who seemingly don't let up. He references a situation in which a business owner was being harassed by a prospective biz partner, but I could totally see my Ndad's behaviors in it, as well as the usefulness of the advice he gives. De Becker basically says that the best way to deal with people and situations like this is simply not to engage at all. The person will fume and rant and persist, but if you deny them what they want -- a reaction and attention -- they eventually stop. It's an excellent read not only for how to deal with narcs, but also how to recognize and validate your own instinctual gut feelings.

I keep getting emails from a former classmate that make me very uncomfortable, so why do I feel like I should be ashamed of it? [R]

5 years, 5 months agoordinarylove posted submission on TwoXChromosomes.
March 14, 2014

This guy has been sending me emails for the past several months peppered with red flags such as "I want to be closer to you" and "You are perfect" that make me very uncomfortable.

I've tried to be as polite and courteous as possible in our interactions because I'm afraid, very afraid, of retaliation. That's also the only reason I haven't just blocked him. I'm scared of him "hunting me down" if I don't.

It's obvious that he wants some kind of intimate relationship with me, and his attempts at emotional manipulation are more infuriating than they are effective at achieving what he wants them to achieve, but I still feel gross.

I feel like I should be embarrassed, and ashamed I'm getting these emails, and shouldn't tell anyone, like I've done something wrong and something bad will happen if I "get caught".

  • I have told three people from my former academic program.

  • I have also told him directly that the things he has said and done make me uncomfortable.

  • The only reason I haven't just cut him out of my life entirely is because I'm absolutely terrified of retaliation.

5 years, 5 months agoordinarylove posted on TwoXChromosomes.
March 14, 2014

You shouldn't feel bad for enforcing your personal boundaries. He's making you uncomfortable and doesn't seem to want to stop.

Have you made copies of the emails he sent you and your responses to them? They can help show a pattern if you run into trouble.

I would try and talk to the police. You don't have to file a report, but maybe just stop by and ask to speak to someone and get their advice. I would also cut all contact with him.

The next time he contacts you, send a final note that you don't want any contact and then stop talking to him and block him on every social media account that you have.

How has he communicated with you? Get a new email address, phone, whatever, and only give the information out to those you trust. Tell them that he is making you uncomfortable and to not tell him any information about you if he asks. Keep the old account/phone and leave any new emails/voicemails on it. You can avoid his messages while keeping it for evidence if you need something to give the police.

Tell your workplace that you feel like he's a danger to you. Tell your friend groups. Tell anyone who will listen that this guy does not respect your boundaries and that he's making you feel threatened. If someone wants you to smooth things over or try and fix your relationship, they are not very good friends. You need to find those people in your life who support you and work with them to help keep you safe and away from him.

Have a backup plan in case of emergency. Do you have a place to go where he can't find you? A woman's shelter might be a good thing to look into because they deal with stalkers/not so nice people all of the time. Do you have a plan in place if he comes to your workplace/house? Plug emergency numbers into your speed dial. Find alternative routes for traveling.

This is a really great book you should read.

5 years, 5 months agoordinarylove posted submission on nerdfighters.
March 13, 2014

To my fellow Nerdfighters:

The past few days have been a whirlwind of accusations of sexual assault involving Alex Day and Tom Milsom. Both have been pulled from DFTBA records.

Given these events, I think it's time we had a constructive, community-wide conversation about what consent is and isn't, and how we can keep ourselves safe when in a relationship/during a hook-up. Consent isn't just saying yes or no. Just because your partner said yes earlier, doesn't mean they're saying yes right now.

I also think it's time that we all remember what makes Nerdfighteria what it is: the Nerdfighters in it. No single or group of people defines Nerdfighteria. No one can take away our community from us. We have the ultimate control and power to change and shape our community, the way we want it to be.

All my love,

AlaskaYoungg

5 years, 5 months agoordinarylove posted on nerdfighters.
March 14, 2014

One thing that I kept coming back to while I was reading the accusations was the idea of enthusiastic consent.

We need to be clear that saying "I'm not interested" for an hour and then finally saying "okay" is not consent, it's manipulation. When you say "no" or "I'm tired" it is not okay for your partner to interpret that as "you really mean yes." As an individual, you need to sit down and think about your boundaries and set clear limits. Don't be afraid to enforce those boundaries if you feel safe enough to do so. Recognize that if someone crosses your line of comfort and safety that they are in the wrong, not you. You get to decide what you are comfortable with and they have to respect it. Situations like the ones involved in Alex Day's incidents are not okay because he crossed personal boundaries. He only cared about his needs and desires and not those of his partners. Good partners don't do that.

I also think we need to think about the effect that we have on our friends and acquaintances around us. We need to stand up against this type of behavior before it escalates into serious crimes. Here is a great resource for scripts you can use when someone you know does something uncomfortable. This is a great resource if you are worried about being a creeper. Finally, an example or two of why we shouldn't just sweep accusations like this under rug for the sake of harmony.

I am a Nerdfighter and will not tolerate any member of our community who uses their power and influence against other members. Those people forgot to be awesome, but we don't have to.

*Edited to add more resources.

Program you can bring up with your school

Fun comic!

A book with some really great information

(F38)How can I tell if I'm making the right choice regarding my new partner of 4 mths (M39)? After a couple of failed relationships, I just can't trust my own judgement anymore. [R]

5 years, 7 months agoJan. 21, 2014

So, I'm 38 and separated from the father of my children early last year. We had been together for 10 years, and I already had a daughter when I met him. We've had two more children together, and our entire relationship has been a tumultuous, resentful and extremely stressful one. He was a heavy drinker when I met him, but he is a successful professional man, and has made subsequent efforts to cut down to be fair. My daughter was 2 when we met, and her father, a doctor, suffered from bi-polar disorder to the extent where he is basically incapable of forming a lasting relationship with anyone. I knew he had this disorder when we met, but again I chose to concentrate on all the things that I could see were good, to the point where I was lying to myself about the reality of the situation. I ended up with a child, and I had to leave him in the middle of the night when she was a week old because he was so extremely mentally ill he became violent. I extricated myself from him financially, and managed to purchase my own home for my daughter and I when I met my new partner.

Right from the start he (my new partner) never demonstrated what I would call "normal" levels of intimacy or affection. He just seemed so awkward and disinterested in sex, or any type of physical intimacy. I initially brushed it off, and focused on all the good things about him. He is a genuinely smart guy, good sense of humour, wanted the same things as me etc. Fast forward two years, we buy a house together and prepare to move in as a family. My daughter looks up to him as a father figure now, as her own father is too mentally ill to provide her with a stable paternal role model.(mistake I know, but hind sight and all that) On the eve of our big move into our new gigantically mortgaged house, I find a letter he wrote to a girl he traveled with just before I met him. The letter was dated about 8 months into our relationship. He professed his deep love for her, and asked her to start a new life with him in London. Apparently she did not feel the same way, and rejected his offer. So guess who came second best? When I found this out, I felt extremely betrayed and I don't think I ever really got over it 100%. I did try, I tried to forget and I spent years trying to ignore the fact that he seemed to have no interest in me as an intimate partner. Our sex life was sparse to say the least, and he never wanted to kiss me or see me naked etc. (I'm a normal looking woman, and other men have found me attractive in the past..lol)

Our relationship kind of morphed into some sort of room-mate situation. Since I had my second daughter (6 years ago) we slept in separate rooms etc, and he NEVER approached me for affection, sex or support. He openly admitted just before we split, that he never needed those things from me. Right before I left, he had become extremely verbally abusive..and had punched walls and doors, called me a "revolting disgusting bitch" who "disgusted him" etc. I had to get out of there.

I've had a hard time dealing with the fact that I waited for so long, and had two children before I realised that this relationship was doomed. I practically wasted 10 years on this guy, in a lonely, loveless desert of a partnership.

That was a year ago and here's where I need all the advice I can get. I've met another man, and he seems to be just SO amazing. He's about a year out of a very similar marriage to mine. His wife and him tried to continue living as friends for the sake of their children, but it just didn't work. He seems so wonderful and genuine to me, but I'm terrified I'm wearing my rose-coloured glasses again. I mean how do you know? We've been seeing each other for about 4 months now, and so far we get along amazingly well in every way possible. I just have no faith left in me that I'm capable of making a wise, measured decision anymore when it comes to men. I feel like such a failure, and a train wreck. Almost to the point where I wonder what's wrong with him for wanting someone as fucked up as me.

TD/LR: Please can someone tell me, how do you know when you have met the right person? I'm totally scared right now that I'm about to make another stupid mistake.

5 years, 7 months agonekonamida posted on relationships.
Jan. 21, 2014

>I mean how do you know?

You know by not glossing over all the bad things you knew about your previous partners and focusing on the good. You know by accepting that the first major breach of trust is when the relationship should end. You know by not building a life with someone who is addicted to any substance and/or mentally ill and not receiving therapy for it. You know by accepting that any partner who calls you names or insults you is one you should not be with. You know by not trying to work it out with someone you are second place to. All of these scenarios are major red flags and many of them should be immediate deal breakers especially when children are involved.

Take a break from dating. When was the last time you were single for more than a year? Read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker and understand the warning signs of dangerous situations before they happen. Research healthy relationships and boundary setting with partners. Get some counseling for your very abusive relationship(s) if you have not already. Work on yourself. Let this new guy know that you are not ready for dating right now and to keep in contact so that you can revisit dating him if he is available in the future. As long as you yourself are in a bad place, everyone you attract will be in a similar place themselves. Only stable, happy people attract other stable, happy people. Get yourself happy and stable before you date so that you can trust yourself when it comes to other people.

"My Daughter Heather Elvis Disappeared After a First Date 30 Days Ago, and I Will Not Stop Looking For Her" [R]

5 years, 7 months agoJan. 17, 2014

[deleted]

5 years, 7 months agothr0wcup posted on news.
Jan. 17, 2014

highly recommend the book The Gift of Fear, author has other good books http://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1390012794&sr=8-1&keywords=the+gift+of+fear

It's not depressing or sensationalist or anything, if you pm me i can email you a pdf

Part of the reason I am dreading going home for Christmas [R]

5 years, 8 months agoDec. 11, 2013
  • My cousin is a pilot, loves his job, and has a pretty happy personality and a beautiful family. He has actually cut ties mostly with his nmom and our whole nfamily, but is still coming for christmas (he lives in another country now). He loves talking about his job and life, and can blow off all the narc attacks during the holidays because he knows his life is better than theirs. Funny thing is, they actually worship him now and kiss his ass. I left a high paying job (i was the gc, and he used to be the scapegoat when he was struggling), and now it seems i am becoming the sg. Last christmas people joked about me 'finding myself', and my dad laughed and said sarcastically 'yea he is following his 'perceived passions''. It was so bad, I am terrified of going home for christmas this year for this very reason.

They treat me as a lower life form, just because I do not have a family or a high-end job. I am 31 and a millionaire, living off my fixed income, I shouldn't feel bad about this. I didn't love my job, I am looking for something else.

  • I'm not sure how to handle their insults and downtalking to me. Also, all the senior family members always tell me what to do, and if I don't, I look like an asshole. (Go get a chair for granddad, go get some more ice for the table, etc....) How should they not look like an assholes for telling me what to do?

  • Also, when I tell my parents I am just coming down for Christmas and the following day, and that's all, they are going to ask what I'm doing that is so important that I can't stay longer (since they know I am not working right now). I think I just need to lie and tell them I have a job now. I don't know what else to do. It is not ok for me to just be, I must always be doing something in their eyes for me to be ok. Also, my parents will text or call if they don't hear from me every 3-4 days or so. "Are you still alive? We are worried about you, please call me". When I call, they want to know what I've been doing, why I haven't called. etc... How do I stop this?

  • The last time I tried to go NC, my dad sent me an email saying he was worried about me, and needed to know if he needed to send the police to my house to check up on me. I'm afraid they are going to try to say I have mental problems. They have tried on multiple occasions to get me to get on medication for 'depression' when I confided in them that I was unhappy with my job (my mom is on meds). I have never done it, partly because I have spoken with a few psychologists and NONE of them recommended that I be put on medication, they actually recommended against it from what we talked about. Also, ALL of them told me that what my parents do to me is not OK. So maybe I will have that as an alibi.

I would really like some advice with any or all of this. I really don't want to feel so helpless and terrified during christmas. I have been debating pretty hard about just not going, but I know what would happen if I didn't. They would hedge that against me so hard.

5 years, 8 months agoMakePeaceInThisPiece posted on raisedbynarcissists.
Dec. 11, 2013

I'm not a professional anything, so I can't say for sure what goes on in an N's mind.

My best understanding is that, deep down, an N does feel deeply inadequate, and this is why they perceive every move as a threat. As to whether they are aware that they are behaving anti-socially, or doing so in order to comfort that inadequacy, I can't say.

Fortunately we don't have to parse their intent ("I just want what's best for you!"). Intent does not matter. Behavior is what matters. Pro-social intent reveals itself in pro-social behavior.

To answer your question about confronting an N--to paraphrase The Gift of Fear--it's not about justice, it's about survival. It's unfortunate that they will never "get" what they did to you. You deserved better. If you had gotten parents who could "get" it, they would never have been Ns at all.

When you confront an N, they will go to either rage or tears, depending on what they think will manipulate you most effectively. If you appeal to their (absent) empathy, they will prey on yours.

They cannot learn empathy. They will not "see the light." Their mechanism for functioning in the world depends on the delusion that only they matter. They will not abandon that mechanism until it stops working. If they had the capacity to be honest with themselves, they wouldn't be Ns.

There is a remote possibility they may learn impulse control, but that is a very different thing. The only thing that seems to work in that regard is doing unto them as they do unto you. Again, a very different ball of wax and not something I necessarily recommend a healthy human try.

That is just my two cents. I certainly do not speak for this sub as a whole.

Walking home alone at night... [R]

5 years, 8 months agoNov. 28, 2013

[deleted]

5 years, 8 months agoTheRainMonster posted on TwoXChromosomes.
Nov. 28, 2013

Please, please please buy your friend a copy of "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin deBecker. He's a violence predictor specialist and wrote the entire book on what the signs are that precursor violence in various situations (strangers, coworkers, significant others, etc). It will absolutely help her to develop smart strategies and responses for these types of encounters because yeah, they do happen.

I used to walk home from a job at midnight and almost every night a different man in a car would pull over and ask if I wanted a ride. I was new to that region of the country so I thought it was just its famous hospitality (although I never took anyone up on the offer because it was still weird) until I mentioned it to a coworker who flipped out on me. Evidently his roommate was murdered by some men who offered her a ride, and he let me in on the information that I was being solicited for prostitution.

If your friend really believes that she is being stalked or followed by this guy the book will help her develop a strategy. Pepper spray is great, never wearing headphones so she's always aware of the sounds around her would be great, and communicating that you are not an easy victim is absolutely great. That's all body language and turning to stare someone down if you think they're following you, instead of ducking your head and walking faster, hoping they're not and that they go away. It also lays out exactly what verbal tactics someone is using to get a potential victim off-balance and away from others so they'll be easier to prey on.

Okay, the book says it better than me in my mish-mashed fashion. Sorry, I have strong feelings about it because it really helped me not feel so helpless in a world that is honestly scary. The men in the cars were unsettling, and I've had many other frightening experiences with strangers when I've been dressed in my kitchen clothes (which are not flattering, lemme tell ya), been grubby and tired, not times when I was expecting any sort of male attention. This is just the reality that most women deal with. You've asked all of these women what they do and what their strategies are and they've given you lists because this stuff has to be on our minds.

For anyone who's read this far and has children, he also wrote "Protecting the Gift", a guide to keeping children safe. There's a lot of repetition between information but some predatory strategies are child-specific and rest on separating a child from their parents and it explores that.

Edited to clean up some phrasing.

How do you deal with 'friendly' creep? Especially for woman who loves to travel(alone). Share your experience and tips! [R]

5 years, 9 months agoMonsieurJongleur posted submission on AskWomen.
Nov. 15, 2013

How do you deal with creep? Share your experience?

I am staying in hotel alone right now (not even in foreign country), one of the staff from the hotel which I am staying in is weird and talked to me.

I caught a guy staring at me when I was having my dinner, then I walked back to my hotel. After that, he came to talk to me, introduced himself, told me he's from other country and he's the staff of the hotel, said I look familiar to him. He asked if I am staying alone, and I said no, I'm with my boyfriend(so I'd be safer, this answer is FAR better than telling him I am alone ffs). Then he said it's so nice to my country's citizen since his country wouldn't allow girl and boy to sleep in a room, then grin. I quickly move back to my room when he walked away, in order to not let him know which room do I stay in.

It might be me being WAY to sensitive, but honestly I'd rather trust my sixth sense than putting myself into shitty situation.

ANY KIND OF CREEPY SITUATION WILL DO. Please share your story!

5 years, 9 months agoMonsieurJongleur posted on AskWomen.
Nov. 15, 2013

For my part, I feel like I would be able to tell the difference between the predators and the merely awkward. For instance, when someone says something with implications you can often tell whether they're actually implying something or they said it without realizing how it sounded.

Plus, the people who are violating social norms knowing they are violating social norms are going to be the ones who notice when I am not playing by "the rules," which is to say, being nice, not making a scene, avoiding seeming impolite. That is what signals that I am not a good potential target and cannot be manipulated by social norms into putting myself in a vulnerable position. A predator is after the easiest prey. (Further reading: The Gift of Fear)

If you are oblivious to all this, then it's obvious, at least to me, that you are not intentionally making me feel uncomfortable, and I have no problem saying so explicitly. The trouble is, from your perspective, is that not every woman is as willing and able to assert themselves when they are uncomfortable, so I do empathize with your problem. But you can learn to identify the cues, even if they are not intuitive to you. I would agree that you shouldn't just stop talking to women. You won't be able to refine your people-reading skills unless you keep practicing, with men and women alike. Many people with aspergers are "face-blind" I understand-- unable to interpret facial expressions. There is an FBI profiler who specializes in teaching people to read non-facial cues, so maybe that would help. (Further reading: What Every Body Is Saying.)

Online dating advice needed please [R]

5 years, 9 months agomrblanketyblank posted submission on dating_advice.
Nov. 10, 2013

I've met a guy from abroad over the internet. I like him a lot and I think he likes me too. He's coming over to my country soon for a holiday. He isn't staying with me, he's going to be staying in a hotel in a different city (but one that is still pretty close to where I live). We've been talking on Skype since July, and over Skype I've met his family (his parents, brothers, cousin and nieces and nephew). Everyone seems really nice and I honestly do not think that he is violent or is planning to harm me in anyway. But, just because it's online dating and I've heard all the horror stories, I am a little worried that he could be dangerous and there's no way I'd know. If I stay in his hotel with him, how can I be sure he won't murder me in my sleep?

Also, if it helps at all, we are both from English speaking countries, so there is no language barrier and culturally we are pretty similar. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

5 years, 9 months agomrblanketyblank posted on dating_advice.
Nov. 12, 2013

> If I stay in his hotel with him, how can I be sure he won't murder me in my sleep?

Murders don't want to go to jail. If he does murder you, the police will be able to find him rather easily (since he checked into the hotel room with his passport, credit card, etc). You can also tell your own friends and family where you are going, so that they can call the police if you don't come home. Basically, if he wants to murder someone, it would be much easier for him to do it in his home country.

It's good to think about your safety, and to think about the worst-case scenario. But you need to be smart about it. Instead of saying "I've heard horror stories", you need to educate yourself on real stories of how crimes really happen, and how you can avoid being a victim. If you stress out over things that won't ever happen, you'll miss the things that actually might happen.

Suggested reading:

How true is the claim, "Preventing violent assault or murder [is] part of [a woman's] daily routine?" [R]

5 years, 12 months agofreshsownmoonstone posted submission on AskWomen.
Aug. 23, 2013

I was recently linked to a very good article about the "Schrödinger's Rapist" phenomenon, and I'm interested in one of the claims in the article, to wit:

The first thing you need to understand is that women are dealing with a set of challenges and concerns that are strange to you, a man. To begin with, we would rather not be killed or otherwise violently assaulted.

“But wait! I don’t want that, either!”

Well, no. But do you think about it all the time? Is preventing violent assault or murder part of your daily routine, rather than merely something you do when you venture into war zones? Because, for women, it is.

Since reading the article I've had lots of discussions with friends about this claim, and have come across a variety of widely differing opinions. What do you think?

5 years, 12 months agofreshsownmoonstone posted on AskWomen.
Aug. 23, 2013

This book explains it so, so well; I recommend it to my friends both male and female -- not only is it useful to both genders for recognizing fear in themselves, but it's also a fantastic explanation for men who may not fully grasp the dangers that come part and parcel with being a woman, whether we're conscious of them or not. It's a great book, and actually written by a man.

How to give advice to a young college-bound woman? (TW: sexual assault) [lmntre] [R]

5 years, 12 months agopixis-4950 posted submission on doublespeakhysteric.
Aug. 22, 2013

lmntre posted:

My seventeen-year-old sister is moving away this weekend to start her first year of university. She's going to my alma mater, so we've already given her scads of advice about where to buy groceries and which classes to take and so forth (as a budding feminist, she's taking intro to gender studies), and it's all very exciting.

But having spent four years at this university, I've also known more women than I can count who have been date raped at parties. In fact, two girls in my wing first year were sexually assaulted while passed out by the same guy and both just chalked it up to "unfortunate drunken misunderstanding" and gained a reputation as "[insert sexist slur here]s" I absolutely do not want this to happen to my sister, but as you all probably know, seventeen-year-olds don't really like getting advice.

How do I impress the importance of extreme wariness around men to a fairly naive young woman? I want her to take it seriously, or at least more seriously than I did, but I don't want her to make herself emotionally vulnerable by isolating herself from her peers, either...

Have you ever successfully had this talk? Any pointers? Would it help if she heard it from a guy instead?

edit: to be clear, I know my sister is smart enough not to buy into slut-shaming, I just want her to know what date rape is and how prevalent it is on campuses, and especially how alcohol factors into it.

5 years, 12 months agopixis-4950 posted on doublespeakhysteric.
Aug. 23, 2013

amphetaminelogic wrote:

Does she like to read? I often recommend "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker. It's kind of a life changer, and lays out how to better protect yourself in a no nonsense, very clear way.

You could offer her a copy, say you thought she might like to read it since she's going to be out on her own now, and use the date rape thing as an example of why. That way, the date rape thing sneaks in while you're giving her the book, and then the advice is coming from the book, not you. If that makes sense.

On discussing "rape prevention" with a future daughter [movetomiami] [R]

6 years agopixis-4950 posted submission on doublespeaklockstep.
Aug. 5, 2013

movetomiami posted:

My fiance and I are starting to seriously discuss having children. Along with that comes the inevitable "how would you raise a child" talks. Fortunately we're getting along so far in that regard.

One thing that I'm conscious of though is my own possible predilection toward what SRS might consider a "paternalistic" or even misogynist view in regard to a daughter's safety.

I read a recent SRS thread that made me think about this:

Keep on telling your girls to never leave the house past 8, to never go anywhere alone, to attach themselves to a man so that they may protect them. That's really going to empower and change public opinion about women in the society we live in.

Now I don't think (but who can say for sure) that I'd be that extreme, but I am struggling to imagine balancing my own first-hand knowledge of ugly realities of the world with my desire not to be domineering or excessively paternalistic. I don't want to raise someone who feels it's her obligation/job to avoid getting in a bad situation, but if you're number one goal is preventing this, isn't that the most prudent approach?

I'm basically afraid that if I had a daughter I would embody most of the things I don't like about the whole "rape prevention" mantra. Anyone dealt with this before?

6 years agopixis-4950 posted on doublespeaklockstep.
Aug. 6, 2013

LynzM wrote:

This is a great book to teach concrete skills in this sort of awareness and self-protection:

The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence

On discussing "rape prevention" with a future daughter [R]

6 years agoAug. 5, 2013

[deleted]

6 years agoLynzM posted on SRSDiscussion.
Aug. 6, 2013

This is a great book to teach concrete skills in this sort of awareness and self-protection:

The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence

A floor plan copy of The Station nightclub that shows where people died, with a number indicating how many were found in the specific area. Note the 31 fatalities located in the narrow passage way out the main entrance. [R]

6 years agoLuneowl posted submission on MorbidReality.
Aug. 1, 2013
6 years agoLuneowl posted on MorbidReality.
Aug. 2, 2013

There's a book called "The Gift of Fear" that has some detailed stories of how people will act instinctively in dangerous situations and how important it is to trust those survival instincts. Sounds like what you experienced. Very good book: Gift of Fear

Self teaching kung fu [R]

6 years agobillin posted submission on kungfu.
July 31, 2013

Hi. I've been wanting to start learning a martial art and I've decided that kung fu is a good candidate. However, I am currently living in a country that is not big on martial arts (AFIK) and so I can't really ask anyone else about these things since there are no kung fu teachers in the area. I have a few questions:

What are some of the different kinds of kung fu and what are the differences between them? Is Jeet Kune Do a subset of kung fu?

What does kung fu consist of? I know for a fact that it consists of strikes because I remember seeing a kung fu demonstration when I was really young, but does it also involve grappling and stuff like judo? Also how physically intense is it? Does it also consist of elbow and knee striking like muay thai? Is kung fu very physically intensive?

Most importantly, is there a way with which I can teach myself? As I mentioned above I don't have access to a teacher or anyone else who practices martial arts for that matter so I need to be able to learn through the internet or books. I have large open spaces around my house so I can practice.

Thanks in advance.

6 years agobillin posted on kungfu.
Aug. 1, 2013

Self defense is another hornet's nest, where everyone seems to have a different opinion on what "self defense" entails. Is it being able to beat someone in a straight-up 1-on-1 fight? Is it simply being able to do enough damage to escape? Does it entail multiple attackers? Is it being able to fight yourself out of any and all situations? Or is it the ability to simply run as fast as you can? Browse /r/martialarts any day of the week and chances are you'll see a thread arguing about what constitutes "self defense."

If your focus is solely on the idea of self defense, I would highly recommend two books: The Gift of Fear, which talks about recognizing situations and signals that a situation is going to turn bad, and Meditations on Violence, which talks about the different kinds of violence and how martial arts training fares in real-life situations. Both are excellent reads and extremely enlightening.

Wtf man stop creepin on my baby sister [R]

6 years, 1 month agoJuly 10, 2013

[removed]

6 years, 1 month ago[deleted] posted on LetsNotMeet.
July 10, 2013

you could always copy paste stories to her if all else fails. Also, you might send her the book The Gift of Fear or Protecting the Gift, Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe

I got my anonymous cyberstalker of 1.5 years arrested for harassing me and threatening to shoot up the college where I teach. AMA! [R]

6 years, 1 month agotgeliot posted submission on IAmA.
July 3, 2013

Hey Reddit!

As this case is still going through the court system, I prefer to remain as anonymous as possible. I sent proof to the mods by showing my ID, a copy of my Order of Protection, a copy of a syllabus I used as a college adjunct, and a screen shot of my stalker's charges that were posted online. They've verified this proof and you can also quasi-verify by checking out the posts I made about this in r/askreddit one year ago and in r/privacy when I was in the midst of everything just a few months ago.

The basic story:

I'm a female adjunct professor who TA'd for a course 2 years ago. That summer I received disturbing, violent, suicidal, and affectionate text messages from an unknown number. This soon progressed to email messages, facebook messages, and then every social networking site I was connected to. The more I blocked the incoming messages or deleted myself off the internet, the more the stalker persisted and found new ways to get to me, e.g. by emailing and facebook messaging/stalking my roommate, close friends and family and threatening to kill them if I didn't come back online or respond. The stalker soon learned of my home address, my family's home address, and threatened to physically harm me by coming to my apartment, tying a rope around my neck, and "taking me away."

I continued monitoring just my old inactive facebook account to keep the stalker preoccupied. Eventually, the stalker got sloppy and started sending me messages about college course-related information. I did my own investigative work with this information and worked with my college to identify the stalker as a former student of mine from a course I TA'd in 2011. The college called her in for a meeting to discuss her academic standing, my case, and other behavior issues she was having, but she was difficult and refused to attend. In the meantime, she, the stalker, sent me a message saying that she wanted to "shoot up" the school and discussed how she was going to steal her uncle's guns so that she could come and do it when she came in for the meeting. I informed me school and my detective and she was arrested. She spent 2 nights in jail, was ROR'd, and me and my roommate were given orders of protection.

AMA, and I'm just sitting at a desk all day today so I can answer questions all day long.

Here are some things I'd love to talk about:

  • more details/particulars about my stalker's behavior, about the case, and my experience with it all
  • anonymity/privacy on the internet
  • the actual privacy level of social networking sites
  • the law around stalking and harassment / privacy
  • police mentality around these cases
  • tracking a stalker: personal and legal documentation/reporting

Edit: Hey guys! Loving all your questions - and I'm still here (12:26 PM EST). Keep 'em coming. I'll get to as many as I can!

Edit 2: Wow guys, so many good questions. I wish I could get to you all. I will try to answer them over the next couple of days too if I don't get to yours. Also, there are a lot of repeat questions! So please look at my user page to see the responses I have already given to make it easier to track what's been asked/said. I'm still here answering (1:39 PM EST). Also, just a few points/clarifications:

Why would I do this AMA if the case is ongoing? - A news reporter recently wanted to run a story on this case. I refused to comment because I didn't want it to get misinterpreted and I didn't want my name to be attached to my comments (for my stalker to easily find/see). Instead I'm taking my story into my own hands and using as a moment to educate anonymously. Yes, an AMA is very public and potentially risky (although my identity is nowhere here), but I am willing to take the risk if it means informing people about this topic. This is an issue that can potentially affect everyone. I did nothing to intentionally provoke my stalker and that is the case for most stalking cases. My number one goal is to help others going through this or help prevent it from happening to YOU. I hope it proves useful.

What's next? - Some people have requested I update you when she goes to court and is actually sentenced. I promise to do that. But it might be a while - sometimes these cases take years.

Edit 3: Still here (3:00 PM EST). I'm out at 6:00 though! And will try to answer as many as I can in the next few days. Thanks for all your questions everyone. And the PMs - Glad to hear all your stories and offer my support/advice!

Edit 4: Done for the day everyone. I'll keep checking this to try to get to any more questions in the next couple days, as promised. Thanks again for all of your great questions. I will update when I have more on the sentencing.

6 years, 1 month agotgeliot posted on IAmA.
July 3, 2013

I recommend you read the book The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence by Gavin de Becker. It will help you in staying safe, but also help you recognize what situations are in fact not particularly dangerous, so you don't waste energy on worrying about them.

I got my anonymous cyberstalker of 1.5 years arrested for harassing me and threatening to shoot up the college where I teach. AMA! [R]

6 years, 1 month agoGravy-Leg__ posted submission on IAmA.
July 3, 2013

Hey Reddit!

As this case is still going through the court system, I prefer to remain as anonymous as possible. I sent proof to the mods by showing my ID, a copy of my Order of Protection, a copy of a syllabus I used as a college adjunct, and a screen shot of my stalker's charges that were posted online. They've verified this proof and you can also quasi-verify by checking out the posts I made about this in r/askreddit one year ago and in r/privacy when I was in the midst of everything just a few months ago.

The basic story:

I'm a female adjunct professor who TA'd for a course 2 years ago. That summer I received disturbing, violent, suicidal, and affectionate text messages from an unknown number. This soon progressed to email messages, facebook messages, and then every social networking site I was connected to. The more I blocked the incoming messages or deleted myself off the internet, the more the stalker persisted and found new ways to get to me, e.g. by emailing and facebook messaging/stalking my roommate, close friends and family and threatening to kill them if I didn't come back online or respond. The stalker soon learned of my home address, my family's home address, and threatened to physically harm me by coming to my apartment, tying a rope around my neck, and "taking me away."

I continued monitoring just my old inactive facebook account to keep the stalker preoccupied. Eventually, the stalker got sloppy and started sending me messages about college course-related information. I did my own investigative work with this information and worked with my college to identify the stalker as a former student of mine from a course I TA'd in 2011. The college called her in for a meeting to discuss her academic standing, my case, and other behavior issues she was having, but she was difficult and refused to attend. In the meantime, she, the stalker, sent me a message saying that she wanted to "shoot up" the school and discussed how she was going to steal her uncle's guns so that she could come and do it when she came in for the meeting. I informed me school and my detective and she was arrested. She spent 2 nights in jail, was ROR'd, and me and my roommate were given orders of protection.

AMA, and I'm just sitting at a desk all day today so I can answer questions all day long.

Here are some things I'd love to talk about:

  • more details/particulars about my stalker's behavior, about the case, and my experience with it all
  • anonymity/privacy on the internet
  • the actual privacy level of social networking sites
  • the law around stalking and harassment / privacy
  • police mentality around these cases
  • tracking a stalker: personal and legal documentation/reporting

Edit: Hey guys! Loving all your questions - and I'm still here (12:26 PM EST). Keep 'em coming. I'll get to as many as I can!

Edit 2: Wow guys, so many good questions. I wish I could get to you all. I will try to answer them over the next couple of days too if I don't get to yours. Also, there are a lot of repeat questions! So please look at my user page to see the responses I have already given to make it easier to track what's been asked/said. I'm still here answering (1:39 PM EST). Also, just a few points/clarifications:

Why would I do this AMA if the case is ongoing? - A news reporter recently wanted to run a story on this case. I refused to comment because I didn't want it to get misinterpreted and I didn't want my name to be attached to my comments (for my stalker to easily find/see). Instead I'm taking my story into my own hands and using as a moment to educate anonymously. Yes, an AMA is very public and potentially risky (although my identity is nowhere here), but I am willing to take the risk if it means informing people about this topic. This is an issue that can potentially affect everyone. I did nothing to intentionally provoke my stalker and that is the case for most stalking cases. My number one goal is to help others going through this or help prevent it from happening to YOU. I hope it proves useful.

What's next? - Some people have requested I update you when she goes to court and is actually sentenced. I promise to do that. But it might be a while - sometimes these cases take years.

Edit 3: Still here (3:00 PM EST). I'm out at 6:00 though! And will try to answer as many as I can in the next few days. Thanks for all your questions everyone. And the PMs - Glad to hear all your stories and offer my support/advice!

Edit 4: Done for the day everyone. I'll keep checking this to try to get to any more questions in the next couple days, as promised. Thanks again for all of your great questions. I will update when I have more on the sentencing.

6 years, 1 month agoGravy-Leg__ posted on IAmA.
July 3, 2013

Please don't be overconfident about your safety due to the order of protection; she could do something violent against you at any time. I highly suggest you read Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear - it is loaded with great advice for people in your situation. Good luck.

(Update) I threw a girl out of my apartment because she was crying [R]

6 years, 3 months agoMay 13, 2013

We agreed to meet for dinner but when I got home she was already there waiting in her car with take out. She came inside, put the food down, I got some forks, she took her clothes off and rushed me. She takes my clothes off and we mess around a bit but as I get a condom she tries to push it out of my hand before just telling me she doesn't like the way they feel anymore. She tries to keep things going and gets pissed off at me for even bringing up using a condom (we always have so I don't get why its an issue now). She keeps calling me an idiot while trying to still fuck me and gets even angrier when I put my shorts on because I'm not in the mood anymore (something seemed wrong about having sex).

I ask her about her crying two weeks ago and what was wrong but she just keeps talking about the condom and how unnecessary it was. This turns into screaming and asking me who I've been with when she wasn't around. At this point she's pacing around the living room naked and angry. I'm still a bit confused. I didn't really say anything because I honestly wasn't sure what the real problem was. She just kept screaming random insults louder and louder.

She gets dressed, storms out of my place then sits at the top of the stairs in front of apartment and starts crying. Eventually she got in her car, screamed things out her window at me then drove off.

I have no idea what just happened or why she cried for four days but I finished the Chinese food and started watching The Bourne Supremacy.

6 years, 3 months agoDeradius posted on self.
May 13, 2013

It's unclear what's going on here, but this pattern of behavior is disturbing. I recommend the following course of action:

  1. Get yourself checked for sexually transmitted infections now and six months from now.

  2. Get a reliable keyed deadbolt lock for your front door. You're looking for ANSI Grade 2 or better. Also check your windows and make sure those are not easy to open or gain access to from the outside. Consider installing security film. At the very least, change your locks if she has or ever had a key.

  3. Eliminate all points of contact with this woman. Don't answer the phone if she calls. Just let it go to voicemail, and delete without listening. Filter her emails to go straight to trash. Texts too, if possible. Do not respond to any letters or texts she sends. If she knocks on your door, do not answer. Consider getting a restraining order, but be aware this could provoke retaliation.

  4. Read Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear.

<hr />

Her extremely aggressive attempt to have unprotected sex and her failure to take no for an answer is concerning. It could simply be something she wanted to do and nothing more.

It could also be that she wanted to get pregnant, transmit an STI, or allege sexual assault (and have physical evidence with which to do so). (I'm not accusing her of any of these things. I'm noting that they are possibilities you should be aware of.)

Note that if she does allege that you did something, neighbors will report seeing her extremely disturbed and upset, crying and screaming outside of your apartment after having been inside with you.

<hr />

You should limit further contact with this person.

I am not a lawyer or any sort of professional. This is not legal advice.

I'm [F21] thinking of breaking up with my (emotionally unstable) boyfriend [M25] because I feel like he's secretly settling for me and only dating me because I'm helping him with his problems - only I need advice on how to do this safely and properly... [R]

6 years, 4 months agoomg_mangos posted submission on relationships.
April 13, 2013

UPDATE: I broke up with him. All went well, I am safe (so is he) and I'm moving on with my life. Thanks for all the advice, guys! I really appreciate it!

~~~

I've been dating him for about a 1 1/2 months, and I've known him for about 3 1/2 months. For the sake of this post, we will call him Barry. He has a condition known as Pervasive Developmental Disorder (more commonly PDD or Aspergers) as well as a dark and difficult past involving abandonment by his real parents, and emotional abuse by his adopted ones.

I seem to have this undying faith in people to the point where if I see someone hurting, I will go to the ends of the earth to make sure this person is okay. This has been a bit of a downfall in the past and continues to be one here. From the very beginning I knew he had past issues that he needed to talk about with someone, but he's never really had anyone. So I became that someone. Counseling hasn't worked out for him and has resulted in a strange hatred towards counselors and psychiatrists in general.

THE RED FLAGS:

Three years ago, a girl he had feelings for hurt him really bad. He got violent. This girl was awful. She basically led him on really badly and then told him that he was "creepy" for falling for her and to leave her alone because "he wasn't worth a girl like her". Understandable that he was upset about it, but he told me that he ended up getting violent. He says he attempted to kill her using a knife, intending on killing himself thereafter. A friend stopped him.

Even after three years, he is still angry. He put up a very violent Facebook post recently that said things like "he should have killed her when he had the chance", etc.

He showed me an app on his phone that "rated" me as his girlfriend, and the ratings weren't nice. Aside from feeling completely objectified by an iOS app, this raised other concerns. My "attractiveness" rating was low (6/10) and when I questioned him about it, he said something like: "Well your looks are only slightly above average, but that's okay because you make up for it in other ways." The other ratings were higher on "empathy" and "supportiveness", while the other areas were left alone.

He's indicated multiple times that he may be just settling for me because of what I can do for him. I personally have made the decision to wait for sex until marriage, and at the beginning of every relationship, I make that very clear. Barry's response to this initially was something like: "Well I can't make any promises. Yes, I'm willing to wait, but if someone else were to come along and be willing to have sex with me, then I can't promise that I may not want to go with that instead."

Then later on, after much hard thinking on the subject, he agreed that he'd be willing to wait for me, and that would be a promise AS LONG as I would be the one to bring him out of his shell. So essentially it was like a trade to him. I don't know how I honestly feel about this.

He's made comments that have been very tactless and hurtful. This could very well be attributed to the Aspergers, but he seemed to go out of his way at times to say hurtful things. At one point he told me that I smell strange and he basically said something like: "There's no way to say this nicely so I'm just going to say it. I don't know if you are just wearing really bad perfume, or if you haven't taken a shower in a week, or if you haven't washed your laundry in a year. But there's a stench coming off of you and it's there 90% of the time."

He also told me that when he first met me, I was basically just a 'dumb blonde' chick to him.

When asked what he saw in the previous girl that he had feelings for (even though she was clearly a horrible person), he gave the response: "I guess I just liked that she gave me attention." This brings me to wonder if he's only liking me because I'm giving him attention, considering he doesn't seem to find me exceptionally attractive (according to his iOS app) and I've noticed that the only times he really goes out of his way to talk to me about anything is when he's having issues and he needs a listening ear.

THE PROBLEM:

He's tried to commit suicide twice in his life now, one of the times having to do directly with a girl. He's told me before that before I came along, he felt like all women were just out to hurt him and that I'm the first one that's proven him otherwise. This puts a lot of pressure on me and I'm afraid that if I break up with him, he might lose it.

He's succeptible to depression and has a violent streak. I'm afraid that he might let his feelings of rejection get the best of him once again and do something bad - either harming himself or even harming me. The fact that he hates the idea of counseling or anything to do with it doesn't help this case.

He doesn't have anyone else to turn to. He doesn't have any family or close friends to turn to. He's even turned away people who have tried to get close to him. I am currently his only support system.

THE CONCLUSION:

I would still like to be friends with him and be able to support him, but I don't want to be in a relationship with him anymore. I am very afraid of his reaction to a breakup, though. What is the best way to do this? I feel as though the friendship could be salvaged at this point, but only if I act now. If I leave this any longer, it's only going to get harder to cut it off in the future. What should I do?

TLDR: I want to break up with my boyfriend. I feel like he doesn't actually have real feelings for me and is just settling for me because I'm the only girl that's actually had real feelings for him, I'm helping him out with his problems and I'm the only person he's ever really opened up to. However, I'm afraid he will turn violent or self-harmful.

6 years, 4 months agoomg_mangos posted on relationships.
April 13, 2013

For the love of God, please consider reading the Gift of Fear. It can give you a shitton more advice than I can, especially since you're dating someone with a violent past and suicidal tendencies.

That said, I'm gonna be blunt: the real problem is not your problem at all. His life is his deal, not yours. It is not your job to keep him alive or connected or anything like that. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that he likely turned away other avenues of support simply so you would know you're the only one.

Don't try to be friends with him. He is dangerous. He could kill you, he has tried to kill a girlfriend in the past and you are no different.DO NOT BREAK UP WITH HIM IN PERSON. Do it from a distance, over e-mail or FB or whatever--then cut off all contact with him. Do not speak to him, text him, e-mail him, FB him, or see him in person. Keep him as far away from you as possible, because every time you re-engage you'll only be encouraging him to keep trying.

He will survive, or he won't, regardless of whether or not you stay with him. Just please understand that you're afraid of him for a very good reason, and that if things get too bad, you should absolutely go to the police for help. It is very possible that your life legitimately is in danger as long as he knows you exist, so you need to help him forget by disappearing as efficiently as possible.

On average, more than three women and one man are murdered by their intimate partners in this country every day. Don't become part of that statistic. Get help and get out.

Anxiety and Martial Arts [R]

6 years, 4 months agogabrielsburg posted submission on martialarts.
April 11, 2013

For as long as I can remember I've loved Martial Arts and when I was 13, I joined the East Coast Karate Black Belt School in the UK. I achieved Brown Belt or 3rd Kyu as they called it but gave up due to a lack of enthusiasm and an undying hate for Sparring back in 2010, when I was 15. I'm now 17 (nearly 18) and lately I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety. Short story is that I felt severe physical symptoms of anxiety randomly while at college. Feeling weak, sick, heart rate abnormal, etc. Now I feel anxious about suffering those symptoms again while outside. I spoke to my GP once and he gave me a leaflet on Anxiety Disorders: from what I've read, I'd say I'm an Agoraphobic. Haven't spoken to him since because going to the doctors is scary and I feel like I can handle this by myself. What I'm wondering is, can practising martial arts help ease if not outright cure my anxiety? Thank you for reading and I look forward to feedback.

EDIT: I myself and my family consider me to be a Hypochondriac.

6 years, 4 months agogabrielsburg posted on martialarts.
April 12, 2013

You might consider professional help if your issues are becoming more debilitating, as you would need a proper diagnosis to inform any treatment. But with respect to the value of martial arts, yes, they can help, provided you get the right feedback and training.

The outlook of our classes tends to be very practical -- aimed at self-defense -- and breaks down both why some techniques are better suited for sport fighting than street fighting. That's to say, we don't put much into the concepts of Qi or some of the mysticism you might find in some martial arts. But we do recognize the value of meditation and breathing (for more than just cardio).

Meditation and controlled breathing can help maintain your focus and calm your nerves. In fact, these skills are so invaluable, I'll even go so far as saying that they may have saved my life just a scant three-months ago in a rather dire physical health situation.

Along with meditation and breathing, I suggest that you might need to take some time to analyze why you feel so anxious and what kinds of personal preparation can you do to mitigate those worries. As a starting point, I recommend Gavin de Becker's book, Gift of Fear to help you get a handle on the difference between useful fear and crippling worry and to glean tools you can use to keep yourself safe.

But above all: seek the help of a mental health professional.

[Intro] I love it here! [R]

6 years, 4 months agouranium236 posted submission on Random_Acts_Of_Amazon.
April 1, 2013

I've been looking for an online community.... looks like I've found it! I love anything remotely random-acts-of-kindness-ish.

I'm 31 (32 next month!) and I live with my two shelter dogs, a 14 year old shepherd mix and a 3 year old blind beagle mix. I work as a technical writer and volunteer at a suicide hotline, so you can usually find me in r/SuicideWatch.

I'm slowly learning photography - I got my first DSLR, a Canon t3i, while my boyfriend was deployed to Afghanistan. He got home a few months ago. I thought that the first time I saw him I'd be overwhelmed with violin music and lurrrrve, but honestly, all I felt was relieved. I don't think I'd fully realized how worried I was about him!

I'm learning to cook, too. I'm a pretty good little baker, but cooking has been tougher for me. I'm into learning how to make some veggie meals and Indian dishes right now... a friend from the hotline is Indian and an amazing cook, so she gives me tips.

I'm toying with the idea of becoming a yoga instructor. If I go for it, class would start in the fall. I've been doing hot yoga for a couple years, but I know how intense the teacher training is, and I'm not 100% sure I'm ready for it.

Anything I left out? AMA...

6 years, 4 months agouranium236 posted on Random_Acts_Of_Amazon.
April 1, 2013

Seriously, it's SO good. I've had like 4 copies but I keep giving (forcing?) them on people. Ditto The Gift of Fear.