The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now Paperback – April 2, 2013

Last Updated On Saturday November 23rd, 2019
This article contains references to products that we track and research from the Amazon Affiliates Program. We may receive compensation when you click on links to those products. For an explanation to our advertising policy, visit this page.

Is this Cheap?

- The best price we've seen on Amazon in the past 8 months was on April 6, 2019. The current price is considered average. It is 40% higher than the cost at its lowest.

Table of Contents

currently average price

Up 0.08%

Updated November 23, 2019
Last Sale

Oct 12

for 41 days

Available on


Price Checks

Current price is higher than the price on Oct 12, 2019.
Current price is average in the past 8 months.
Available used for a lower price.

Price Activity

DatePrice ActionChange %Price Level
22 Nov, 2019Price Increase0.08%average
12 Oct, 2019Price Drop-17.32%average
9 Oct, 2019Price Increase0.42%highest
7 Oct, 2019Price Increase3.00%high
3 Oct, 2019Price Increase3.01%high
Update on 23 Nov, 2019 price change % swings above and below average price

Showing: Area under 0 show price is cheaper than average. Above 0 shows higher price than average.
The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now Paperback – April 2, 2013

Product Details

  • Sold on
  • 0446561754 Amazon ASIN
  • Categories

    Books, Self-Help, Relationships

Reddit Reviews and Recommendations

  • 44 Reviews
  • Sept. 30, 2019 Last Review Date
  • Aug. 13, 2013 First Seen Review Date
  • 35 Reviewed on Subreddits

    AdviceAnimals (3)
    TwoXChromosomes (3)
    BPD (2)
    RedPillWomen (2)
    booksuggestions (2)
    raisedbynarcissists (2)
    suggestmeabook (2)
    AskEngineers (1)
    AskReddit (1)
    AskWomen (1)
    and 25 more...

Discussion and Reviews on Reddit

Free rent... but there’s a different sort of price [R]

1 month, 3 weeks agomascmusclesissy posted submission on askgaybros.
Sept. 30, 2019

I’m not sure if I’m doing the right thing. I’m 21, and was struggling to afford to live. I wound up meeting this kinda older man online (not much older, he’s in his thirties) who offered me free rent in exchange for a few things: when inside the house, I’m not allowed to wear any clothes, I have to sleep in the same bed as him, I have to let him periodically kiss and fondle me, and be his companion on occasional social outings, and allow myself to be introduced as his boyfriend. Now I’m straight so at first all of this freaked me out. This guy’s clearly some kind of lonely, desperate perv. But I was hard up and so agreed to it. I’ve been living there a week. He pays for my rent and food, all I gotta do is strip off and occasionally let him make out with me and fondle my balls, which I feel turned off by, but it’s the deal and it’s pretty easy. I did draw the line at no sex though. There’s no way I can do that. But I’m getting nervous. How could I possibly explain this scenario to anyone else? How do I date? Did I go way too far down the rabbit hole with this one? Part of me is wondering if I should back out.

1 month, 3 weeks agomascmusclesissy posted comment on askgaybros.
Sept. 30, 2019

I’m not going to judge you. There’s something judge Judy says: Beauty fades. Dumb is forever. Not calling you dumb, but I hope you are gaining some intellectual capital (in school or something) so that you can bounce back when this ends, because will...and not likely in your favor.

There’s a book called “the defining decade” The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now

It is totally worth the 10$. I was in a similar (but not identical) situation. This book encouraged me to step out, go to grad school, and the rest is history.

Please, build something for yourself (heck, become a gay escort, a male stripper, or a model, if you plan to rely on your looks) that you have something to fall back on when this ends. It bears repeating. It will end...and most likely not in your favour. Much love.

Books about mental health and adulting/ life [R]

4 months, 2 weeks agozabloosk posted submission on suggestmeabook.
July 12, 2019

Doesn’t have to be both in one book I suppose. I’m Just looking for books that’ll help me understand life and adulting once college is over. I’ve been a student 26 years and I recently left a PhD program because of an OCD relapse. I’m happy I left, but the world is much different without school and financial aid money. I’ve worked before, but this job market search sucks. I have two books now that I haven’t read. Maybe one would be a good suggestion for this very post. 1. 13 things mentally strong people don’t do 2. You are a badass how to stop doubting your greatness and life your best self.

Has anyone read either of these?

4 months, 2 weeks agozabloosk posted comment on suggestmeabook.
July 12, 2019

Some real down-to-earth options (not happy-sassy, as you said)

The Defining Decade by Meg Jay - why your twenties matter and how to get the most of them

Better Than Before by Gretchen Rubin - tackles habit formation, great for adulting/getting things in order

Who Are You, Really? by Brian Little - a short & sweet book that tackles personality theory, I found it useful at this point in my life

What can I do now in my early twenties that I'll be grateful for in my 40s+? [R]

1 year, 3 months agoanon194029 posted submission on TheGirlSurvivalGuide.
Aug. 24, 2018

Primarily wondering about skincare, dietary habits, anything health related.

1 year, 3 months agoanon194029 posted comment on TheGirlSurvivalGuide.
Aug. 24, 2018

Don't get pregnant too soon/practice safe sex. If you do accidentally get pregnant ----> heavily consider getting an abortion.

I know a lot of girls who got pregnant in their early 20s who never built their own careers or independence because of it. The effects are incredibly profound; your earning potential, your ability to leave an abusive relationship, your long-term security... So many things are negatively affected when you saddle yourself with a kid a little too young. The statistics on poverty and young motherhood are shocking.

The reason it's so terrible is you never get to build your own expertise, properly go to school and have a good, meaningful career (or - it's incredibly difficult to do so). As a result, whatever guy you latch onto has far more power than is comfortable. For women already on the edge of poverty, it can be incredibly difficult to leave if a man is physically or emotionally abusive, if the only job you're qualified for is working retail.

Can you make it work? Yes. Is it way harder than just using a damn condom and birth control, every time? Abso-fucking-lutely.

Read The Defining Decade.

Any other 20-something INFJs having a tough time figuring out what to do in life? [R]

1 year, 6 months agoheroette posted submission on infj.
May 21, 2018
1 year, 6 months agoheroette posted comment on infj.
May 21, 2018

former floundering 20-something now successful 30-something, here! I'VE BEEN THERE. and i read this incredibly helpful book a few years ago during the lowest point of my "quarter life crisis." the defining decade: why your twenties matter and how to make the most of them now by dr. meg jay. great overview here. the content is relevant to anyone at any age, but reading it in my twenties certainly helped light a fire under my ass to seriously consider who i was, who i wanted to be, what i wanted to achieve, and what i needed to do "get there." there's a wealth of really important concepts (the strength of weak ties, unthought knowns, crafting your narrative) that really opened my eyes and mind and heart so that i could see the possibilities instead of only seeing my failures. highly recommend anyone "figuring it out" to read this book. i swear i wouldn't be who or where i am today without it. anecdotally, a sensitive and sophomoric friend i loaned this book to found its insight and implications offensive, so temper expectations with a thick skin and an open mind.

Free Talk Thursday [R]

1 year, 6 months agohereforporn696969 posted submission on barstoolsports.
May 17, 2018

Remember to report comments that break reddiquette. This thread happens every Thursday!

1 year, 6 months agohereforporn696969 posted comment on barstoolsports.
May 17, 2018

Gonna go ahead and plug a book, The Defining Decade by Meg Jay. It's filled with case studies of people in their mid-twenties figuring out their careers, romantic lives, and mental well-being. I'm 25 and often panic about career direction and purpose. I feel this book gives a very informed look on how the sky isn't truly falling. It's a quick 200 pages and I walked away feeling a whole lot more confident about my position.

Thursday Talk Thread... Yes That's The Thread Name [R]

1 year, 7 months agopurgatoires posted submission on nfl.
April 26, 2018

Welcome to today's open thread, where /r/nfl users can discuss anything they wish not related directly to the NFL.

Want to talk about personal life? Cool things about your fandom? Whatever happens to be dominating today's news cycle? Do you have something to talk about that didn't warrant it's own thread? This is the place for it!

Remember, that there are other subreddits that may be a good fit for what you want to post - every day all day!

1 year, 7 months agopurgatoires posted comment on nfl.
April 26, 2018

rereading this book feels so much more real and helpful now that i'm graduating than it did three years ago. would highly recommend it to anyone about to graduate college

Get into engineering they said. You'll get a great job they said. [R]

2 years agoGDK_ATL posted submission on AskEngineers.
Oct. 31, 2017

A little background:

Mechanical Engineering has been my focus since I was 8 years-old. My grandpa convinced me of it back then in 2003. I was going to be apart of the future in automotive, move over to the big Motor City, and accomplish just that fact. The American-made ones, the "Big 3" as they call it over here.

Well I did exactly that. I graduated high school and headed over 2 hours west to Montana State, where I would put myself through school. Looking back, I had quite a miserable experience, I simply was so focused too much on my workout regime (bodybuilding) and work through the local beer distributor that I forgot to enjoy myself. I graduated this May with a 3.1 in mechanical with a mechatronics minor. Being from Montana and without any industry, internships were hard to come by. I also had to keep close-by to aid the family construction business. Mistake #1.

I packed my truck and headed east. Literally out of the blue, no connections, no future housing, no future job, just determined. I topped out a credit card searching, and at last, a non-engineering, contracted position doing instrumentation on 2019-22 Ford prototypes. A month later, laid off due to seasonal lack of work.

I cannot get my resume (with no automotive experience) on these guys' desks. These ATS's are making a fool of me and literally every networking connection seems to burn out. Ambitious but not qualified. I'm reaching out because my bags are packed, and I'm headed home. Does anyone become successful grinding and following their goals in life? I have talent, I know this but does it simply come down to meeting the right person at the right time?

Thanks for hearing me out guys, this was a lengthy first-ever post for me.

2 years agoGDK_ATL posted comment on AskEngineers.
Oct. 31, 2017

>We're high skill workers and we have plenty of time to figure out what we'll eventually do.

Not so sure about that. Not to panic, but I'd get out there sooner rather than later.

I am lost and in need of direction [R]

2 years, 1 month agoOct. 10, 2017


2 years, 1 month agowhere2cop617 posted comment on lostgeneration.
Oct. 10, 2017

Get your degree in STEM and move to Boston. It’s expensive but it beats small-town bum-fuck America. Emerging adulthood is going to be the most difficult and profound transformation in your lifetime. 🙃

This is what I'm going to do and its happening as soon as I'm done typing this post [R]

2 years, 2 months agohow-dey-do-dat posted submission on offmychest.
Sept. 16, 2017

Tonight I'm having a threesome and smoking the rest of my weed. I'm 20 years old and ive lived a good life so far, but I havent been living as a good person...or the person that I should be. Even if this doesn't make sense to anyone, I don't give a fuck, but Hear me out. 3 things have been ruling my life thats weed, relationships that dont help me grow, sex and my negative thoughts. After I let loose tonight though, there will be no more. I will be going cold turkey. I'm going to miss the feeling of being high and not having to feel my worries. I'm going to miss all the people that I fuck. I am going to miss my friends...I am going to miss this life of what I thought was "living it up." It hurts me having to cut off everything and everyone soon, but I've made my decision. I'm ready to see what else life has to offer before me being 20 turns to 30. I am ready for a better life.

-Some of the comments say man, but I just want to confirm that im female. I'm not offended at all though, I'm just saying

2 years, 2 months agohow-dey-do-dat posted on offmychest.
Sept. 16, 2017

I read a book by a gal named Meg Jay about this. It was extremely helpful, a friendly read and practical. I don't read much but I loved it.

What advice would you give someone that feels lost/stuck in life in their mid 20s? [R]

2 years, 2 months agofeatheredheaddress posted submission on AskWomen.
Sept. 13, 2017

What would you tell a person that sees everyone else making progress, succeeding, accomplishing things like marriage, having kids, dream jobs, etc and they're kind of just stuck not really sure of what to do next or how to move forward.

2 years, 2 months agofeatheredheaddress posted on AskWomen.
Sept. 13, 2017

I don't know how helpful this will be, but check out the book The Defining Decade. It's by a clinical psychologist who has extensive experience working with people in their twenties and she talks about things to think about in your twenties, common traps in thinking by people in their twenties, and everything is accompanied by anecdotes from her former patients.

I found it crazy relateable and it helped me a lot. It might be worth checking out, just as a place to get started. But all in all, I'm sorry you're feeling that way and I hope everything will work out!

edit: I just wanted to add a link to the book so it would be easy to find/you could look through the reviews.

No direction in life [R]

2 years, 8 months agoMarch 6, 2017


2 years, 8 months agoSilentSamurai posted on CasualConversation.
March 6, 2017

I have a friend who has been in a similar situation. Perhaps what I shared with him can help you:

  • Finish your major out. It gives you direction and will save you a lot of money instead of trying to find your direction at the expense of your student debt and time. Most of the time your degree doesn't dictate your career (unless you want to be a nuclear physicist and you have a philosophy degree). Most employers are just looking for college education to be checked off of the list.

  • It's time to start discovering your passions and plans for the future again. I'd honestly recommend this book, it's written by a psychologist that spent years of her life counseling twenty somethings that found themselves in the same situation as you do now. My favorite part is that she doesn't dictate what you should do, but it gives you a framework you can easily answer and apply to yourself in everything from dating to career choices.

  • Do something that will get your dopamine going. It's a lot easier to begin to fix things in your life when you're not stuck in an endless cycle of miserable thought. Preferably working out, but other things such as being with your friends will suffice.

What are your thoughts hearing that?

I'm sick of hearing 20sths complaining about how old they are [R]

2 years, 9 months agoFeb. 22, 2017


Is this normal to have a quarter life crisis? [R]

2 years, 11 months agoaGirlwithoutWDs posted submission on TwoXChromosomes.
Dec. 6, 2016

So I'm 25 and hitting a rut in my life. All my friends are distant after college and just don't really reach out anymore. I have become closer to my family which I'm happy about and my husband is my everything but I'm questioning my job, sad that I am going through a friendless phase, etc.

Is this normal?

2 years, 11 months agoaGirlwithoutWDs posted on TwoXChromosomes.
Dec. 6, 2016

Yes, this has been the worst time of my life. Who would have thought?


This is an absolute life-changer.

Out of school and feeling like an undulating ball of play-doh [R]

3 years, 4 months agossulim1 posted submission on ENFP.
July 18, 2016

I studied neuroscience in college and did a pre-med concentration, even though I knew from the beginning that I didn't want to be a medical doctor. I did pretty well, but for the final two years I all but completely neglected my other passions. Now, I want to spend a few years exploring before I commit to any one career path or accidentally knock someone up and have someone to look after.

The problem is, I can't seem to be able to stick to any one thing! I'm leaving my well-paying consulting job on the 29th because I find it stifling and don't want to be in my hometown anymore. This was prompted by the realization that this job was making me too needy in my previous romantic relationship and so I figured that I should live and work somewhere I can pursue my passions and hobbies with greater ease, and not feel the urge to put all of my eggs in any particular basket. I love music and would leap at the opportunity to make some amazing jams with fellow creatives. In general, I want to be surrounded with more disciplined creatives on a regular basis, something that I did not have enough of in college. But I also love chemistry, neuroscience, and I figure that I have the strong-willed determination to start a business, should I ever commit myself to that path.

Anyone else feel the same way???? I'm really, really bad at my analyst job, even though I'm a great fit for it on paper (I was able to suffocate my urge to socialize for two years between 20-22 using adderall in order to accumulate work experience/an impressive CV but I'm not going to keep doing that for a job that is underwhelming and not my cup of tea and shit).

3 years, 4 months agossulim1 posted on ENFP.
July 19, 2016

I feel you. I'm in a similar boat. I graduated in May with a Pre-Med Nutrition degree and a Biology minor. I never wanted to go to med school, but I switched from pharmacy to education to pharmacy to pre-med nutrition because I was interested in holistic treatment. But my love for nutrition died because the program at my school WAS TERRIBLE, so towards the end of my degree I hated school and was totally unmotivated and I was blind to the future. I considered med school but a life of diagnosing, treating, and saying bye to patients I wouldnt see for another few months or years was not really appealing to me. I had a mental breakdown my senior year of college because of all the adderall I was taking and it took a tole on my personal life too. I would LOVE to travel and chill for a while but the reality of being broke and in debt after college is way too real. I want to go into the mental health field, but that means Ill be broke and in debt for like a decade, but I would love mental health way more than medical school. I want to surround myself with more disciplined creatives too, but most of the people I knew like that are moving away after school. Its hard to not let anxiety overcome me some days, but at least I know there are other people in the same boat. I recommend reading the book

To be more disciplined and creative I suggest meditating daily. the app headspace is AMAZING, no hippie buddhism is involved, it just really works to help strengthen our pre-frontal cortex's, the part of the brain that adderall works to stimulate. I found meditating REALLY helped me handle the reality of my situation, and be easy on myself while going in a good direction.

but yeah I definitely feel similarly to you. Im babysitting for the summer to calm my nerves after school, but I have nothing planned for the fall yet and im freaking out. I really want to work in the mental health field but its been impossible to find a job and Im terrified of being broke come the fall.

Fuck it. I'm leaving college. At least for now. [R]

3 years, 4 months agoJuly 7, 2016

I got tired of this. The stress. The feeling that I am wasting my time. Watching everybody around me enjoy what they are doing, enjoying their classes, or at least having an objective. And I am here. Wasting time and money. What is worse, my parents' money. Wasting it studying something I hate, and failing at it.

Fuck this. College is turning me into a depressed mess. I do not want to decide my whole life now. I am not ready for that. That's why I am leaving it. At least until I find what I really like doing, or something that I would at least see myself doing for years without hating it. I will work, pay my debt, and save enough money to study whatever I decide I want to study in the future. And if I decide not to study, to invest it in a business or something that interests me.

Maybe it's the wrong choice. Maybe a lot of people will think I am stupid, or will be disappointed. I do not care. It's my life and I decide what to do with it.

Do you guys have any advice? Anything will be appreciated. I may sound pretty confident in the choice, and I am, but it is scary as fuck to decide to drop out in the current economic situation.

3 years, 4 months agomewanthoneycombnow posted on entp.
July 7, 2016

Just don't drink too much coffee ;P

Seriously though, after college I bailed out of the US to live in China for 3 years. I definitely wasn't ready for college and would have benefited from taking some time off. Key word here is "some." Don't burn your bridges under any circumstances. Make sure the university will let you back in. Read that last part again.

Also, read Meg Jay's "The Defining Decade"

Seriously though, read it. I accomplished some things in my 20s, and now I'm back in school for comp sci at a top 25 university, but man do I wish I had wasted less time teaching and working in China. Retail is just about the worst job for an ENTP. It will stress the ever living hell out of you long-term. Repetitive manual labor and meanwhile you're going through an existential crisis because you don't know what you're doing with your life. Been there done that. I didn't learn anything about myself. If you're going to take some time off, make it worthwhile and travel. Do the whole backpacking round the world thing for a year. Explore to the maximum. Let that Ne roam free, feel the wind in your hair. But come back after 1 year. I have a list of the top ranked ENTP occupations based on 421,000 MBTI surveys. PM me if you're interested. Choose something and then move on with your life.

The sage has spoken. LOL.

I need help... in doing better [R]

3 years, 4 months agohitit213 posted submission on dubai.
July 2, 2016

25, M, I schooled in Dubai, but I left for higher education and returned back to my family last year... This is a throwaway.

I am not doing anything good. I suck at my job, which I did fine earlier. I am not able to focus or pay attention to details, I am not able to think fast. I don't speak with my friends anymore, they don't call me either. I used to decline because I can't afford the expensive places they visit. I am so late to even get a driver's license, even though I am at my road test, I don't feel motivated to finish it and get my license. I do my best to gym everyday, but I fail at improving. I don't sleep well most days, and some days I don't feel like eating. Sometimes I eat one meal, and then I have no need to eat anymore. My mind is too clouded with "Nothing can be done, can't do it."

I am on the verge of getting fired, I am not able to enjoy anything - movies unwatched, books unread and no other hobbies. I sometimes just blank out, and have no clue what I was doing or thinking. I cannot keep track of anything. When I lived alone during university time, I feel like returning to those days. I feel everyday that I should leave my job, my parents and just go back to my homeland. My family loves staying here, and they keep telling to pull through with this.

I am too pressured, not by my work, but myself. I have no answer to what I want to do in life.

Please help me. I want to pick up my life and do better. I may not like my current job, but at least want to perform better than now. I don't know what to do. Please help me.

3 years, 4 months agohitit213 posted on dubai.
July 2, 2016

Throwaway time - yay. I feel so liberated with throwaways.

I can relate to this, went through a similar episode, schooled here, went abroad for uni, had the best 3 damn years of my life, and came back here feeling like I made a mistake coming back.

Also got my license late because of that moving around, so when I did come back I also found it hard to get around to meet friends, barely made it to the office (to a job I stopped liking or learning anything after 3 months). And also found it hard to reconnect with old friends as people mostly seem like here, out of sight, out of mind kind of nature. Saying no initially eventually meant you're forgotten. Can't blame them, gone for 3 years, back, and saying no to going out. Yeah I wouldn't talk to me either. But I also would never ever trade those 3 years abroad for doing them here, not only was it kick-ass awesome, it also taught me theres an entire planet and world out there.

Well that was 3 years ago, I've now changed jobs 3 times, started a company and closed it, on my 3rd job, got my license (obv), car that I like, etc.

Things can get better.

Here's the truth: there are 3 cornerstones in your life:

1) Your job

2) Your house (or apartment)

3) Your relationships

If you have those things in order, you can afford to take almost any "risk" you want.

What got me through is this:

  • Always be pursuing your passion. Every year my passion and focus is a little different but in the same field, infact I realize its simply a career progression in a field that does not have clear 1-2-3 steps.

So love what you do. If you don't, whatever you do, be the best at it. Or better yet, pursue what you love. Your career and job will lead your life, so make sure you absolutely have that one down right, otherwise your home and relationships will suffer.

  • Read. Read great blogs or books that focus on self-growth. The human brain develops its final phase of its personality in your 20's. By the time you hit early 30's your personality and future is completely directed by how you grow and what you do in these 20's. It's also very normal that people in their 20's to get so confused or lost specially getting out of grades and a clear track life of school to suddenly the work force where nothing is straight forward or graded. My personal recommendations are James Clear website, I could lose myself for hours reading his stuff, go to his best articles section. A simple good read is this article. There's also this book, and finally just sign up for the mailing list of this website, I know this site looks spammy as hell but trust me its got some solid content thats specifically relevant to people like you (and me).

  • If you live with family after living alone for a while, you probably want the get the furthest away as possible from them. If you can, find a way to live alone again. This might be tougher to do though depending on your family, and it might be one of those things you just have to haul it along.

  • Manage or clear your debts. There are many strategies out there, I like the clear the smallest debts first approach. Have a wants and needs list, wants make you poorer, needs (including investments) make your richer.

I'm personally already drawing up my escape plan. Planning to move abroad for work in about a year once I settle stuff here and gain the right experience I need to do that. Let me know if you want me to share it.

25M, can't sleep and upset. RBN please help me out. [R]

3 years, 5 months agogauchecamo posted submission on raisedbynarcissists.
June 8, 2016

Long story short, my parents were both N's. My dad was very abusive, my mom looked the other way or went along with it and I was basically neglected a lot. But I did well in school, went to a good college, and now I'm a grown man in my mid-20s with a good job (I have my own office!) in NYC. I'm NC with both parents who are divorced and don't live close to NYC anymore, and my brother and sister who I am not close with are also halfway across the country.

I do well at work and have good friends, and generally during the day I manage to keep it together. But at night I get really sad sometimes. I can't sleep right now and it's almost midnight. I effectively don't have parents and it literally keeps me up at night. I've had to parent myself since I was 13/14 and so I've always had this sense of being on my own and not having that emotional safety net. I get so sad at night that it keeps me awake. (I also def need to dump caffeine for good -- I think even 1 cup affects my sleep, though it's not the only or even main issue here).

I want a mom and dad but they weren't good to me in so many ways. I wish I could call them and get comfort but NC seemed the emotionally safest choice. How can I call the dad who abused me? And how can I call the mom who let me be abused and barely has her own life together? I think about how I was mistreated almost every night and it sometimes makes me cry. You'd never know it if you knew me though. And my brother has severe social anxiety (borderline mute) and me and my sister just are so different so I don't talk to them much either.

My family was supposed to fucking love me but they didn't. I sometimes just lay awake thinking "I don't have a family. I lost my fucking family and they didn't love me."

How do I comfort myself and get to sleep on nights like this? I'll read for a bit and maybe take half an ambien (prescribed) but I rather not do that. I shouldn't use drugs to numb my emotions and I've done that (again, prescribed) for long enough.

I honestly sometimes have the same wish I had at times as a kid: that I'd be adopted into a new family. Having nice coworkers and good long-term friends is great, and thank god I have them, but I just wish I had good parents. I just want to know that it won't always hurt so much inside. I want to sleep soundly again but I just find it so hard sometimes.

TL;DR: Mid-20s guy who can't sleep because he's NC with both parents and misses the kind of love a family provides. I need a fucking hug and I don't want to be sad anymore.

3 years, 5 months agogauchecamo posted on raisedbynarcissists.
June 8, 2016

check this book out: The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter

they have a whole chapter on how you can choose your family when you're in your 20s - you can marry wisely and create the family you want.

How do you deal with the lost time, knowing that you'll never have your youth back, etc? [R]

3 years, 7 months agoApril 20, 2016


3 years, 7 months agogauchecamo posted on raisedbynarcissists.
April 20, 2016

I'm 30 and I'm going through something similar- I just feel so much of my teenage/college years was wasted being a dutiful daughter. My fiancé has all these great stories from high school while I barely remember anything (same with my GC bro- we have very few memories of that time)

My life got exponentially better after I moved to a different city at 24 and then to a different state at 28. I think moving is an awesome albeit terrifying way of reinventing yourself. The first 3 months are gonna suck but for me it was totally worth it 2.5 years later

Also I kind of lost my shit at age 28 after a breakup and quit my (good) job and moved to China- not totally responsible but I was able to market it ok after my return so my career didn't suffer. I'm a fan of traveling so I think as long as your choices enhance your life (and add to your skills) you should go for it!

You are 22 and so young and yeah you should experiment but I don't want to give you carte blanche to be like "YEAH FUCK IT EXTENDED ADOLESCENCE FOREVERRRRRR" because that can be a trap (see my GC bro just now getting traction in his life at age 29)

I recommend reading this book:

Just graduated college and feelin' sorta lost. Any books that deal with this transitional period? [R]

3 years, 7 months ago5261 posted submission on suggestmeabook.
April 19, 2016

Fiction/nonfiction/memoir/any genre works. I'd like to feel inspired by the end of the book, preferably, but if it leaves me in existential despair that'd be cool too.

3 years, 7 months ago5261 posted on suggestmeabook.
April 19, 2016

Try The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter and How to Make the Most of Them. My (former :() college roommate's aunt gave it to her for graduation, and she recommended it to me, and I remember some of that post-grad panic receding as I went through it. It's been a while and I eventually landed on my feet so I haven't read/thought about it for a long time, but I do remember thinking at the time that every college graduate should read it the summer following graduation.

3 years, 7 months agoApril 12, 2016


3 years, 7 months agobaconmastah posted on findapath.
April 13, 2016

>I feel like I am too old for that - especially if I want to have a family one day. I'm trying to be realistic.

If you go to grad school, you'll find that the median age is actually closer to 25 and that plenty of people go back to grad school well into their 40s to transition into other fields (closer to 33 according to this article). If you cripple yourself now out of a fear of getting old, you'll just miss out on opportunities and watch your friends and peers pass you.

This book does an in depth summary of why waiting and sleeping on this decision might hurt your chances later down the road.

Feeling behind in life [R]

3 years, 7 months agoApril 8, 2016


3 years, 7 months agoceegarv posted on TwoXChromosomes.
April 8, 2016

I have felt this way (I'm 25), and found it easy to brush off the feeling that I was falling behind- thinking that my life will come together when it's meant to happen. Until I couldn't anymore. And started to get anxiety about getting my life together. Many people are very relaxed about their 20's, while others seem to be in a rush to get their lives started. I found this book extremely helpful and urge you to check it out: Here's an excerpt: Our "thirty-is-the-new-twenty" culture tells us the twentysomething years don't matter. Some say they are a second adolescence. Others call them an emerging adulthood. Dr. Meg Jay, a clinical psychologist, argues that twentysomethings have been caught in a swirl of hype and misinformation, much of which has trivialized what is actually the most defining decade of adulthood.

It's well worth the $ and is a quick read. Let me know what you think if you end up reading it.

Married women, what was your husband's proposal like? [R]

3 years, 11 months agoDec. 2, 2015

There's an interesting thread on TRP that links to a cringey thread from AskWomen about disappointing marriage proposals where they all talk about wanting a better ring, more romantic experience, how he proposed in the middle of getting pressure to get married, etc. D:

So now I'm realizing that I haven't heard many stories about proposals that weren't that romantic-movie moment, and I want to hear about RPW couples! Did your husband set something up? Was it a surprise? Did you even have a "proposal" moment at all or was it more of a gradual agreement? I want to hear your real-life stories!

3 years, 11 months agoWalterBoudreaux posted on RedPillWomen.
Dec. 7, 2015

> My SO was very crystal clear that he'd never propose to someone unless he lived with them for at least a year due to relationship issues in the past.

Not sure any guy that makes an ultimatum like that is the right one. But I hope your risk pays off.

I highly recommend this book -

One of the topics it speaks in-depth on is the effects of premarital cohabitation on future marriage/divorce probabilities.

Experienced Polyamorous folk (10+ years), how has it worked out for you? [R]

3 years, 11 months agoqualmic posted submission on polyamory.
Dec. 5, 2015

I am 25F, and just starting to experiment with non-monogamous lifestyle. I'm running into pushback from some of my supposedly open-minded friends and family who say that it's fine for now, when I'm young and "hot," but eventually I'll want, no, NEED, to settle down with one person and have a family. That even if I somehow still have the energy for multiple partners after kids and work, that no one will want to date at that age.

Anyway I don't really believe it. I don't even know if I want children, and if I do it'll be like 10 years from now. But I do know that I don't like feeling trapped in relationships, and that I am bisexual and don't want to be restricted to one gender for the rest of my life, and that my current open relationship feels better to me than any of my former monogamous ones did.

So, older poly people, do you have any advice? I'm just trying to make sure I'm not wasting the second half of my 20s while everyone around me is getting married. That my current mindset isn't just a product of youth and idealism that I'll regret when I'm 40.

3 years, 11 months agoqualmic posted on polyamory.
Dec. 5, 2015

26F, married, known a long time, maybe not that experienced. I'm also not "living the lifestyle" - I don't do a lot of active dating, but we're defacto open and I don't need to ask for permission. I don't feel trapped or restricted. It's good.

I found "The Defining Decade" helpful in answer the question "WTF am I supposed to be doing?!". I'd recommend it, it's short.

I think you just have to make the best decisions you can with the information you have, that are most consistent with your values and long-term goals. Nobody knows those better than you.

As I try to switch career paths, I find this extremely annoying. [R]

4 years, 2 months agoAug. 31, 2015
4 years, 2 months agoSpontaneousLightBulb posted on AdviceAnimals.
Aug. 31, 2015

If you burn out learning something, you don't actually want to learn it. Learning at home is as much of a hobby and a passion, as it is relevant to your future direction.

As /u/IBSC2 points out, yes you will fall behind other people who are working harder, and longer than you. However, no, it's not just more work. It's enjoyable (for me) spinning up virtual machines, downloading appliances, learning to SSH, write scripts, use tools that are leading the industry from my own home. I'm useful, I help friends on their entrepreneurial pursuits, and who are managers solve complex problems, and teach them solutions in just my spare time, because I enjoy being helpful. I'm passionate because I think about the power I can do. I am focused because watching all these interconnected tools click together is a matter of enjoyment.

The worst advice someone can give you is to "Do what you love", it's much more powerful to love what you're doing.

But to your point, video games, movies, etc. I do all that shit too, but just not every night. I enjoy learning, but it's developed and took a few deliberate weeks to explore that side of my brain, before it became part of my daily ethos.

Hell, try it, if you don't like after awhile, there's nothing wrong with that. But the way I see it, the video games will still be there for me to play a few months from now (I'll literally take a week of vacation just to play Fallout 4 when it comes out). However what you won't get back, is your youth and relatively unattached nature to learn the same skills people 5, 10, 15, 20 years older than you are applying in environments that are netting them tons of money.

I like vacations, I like trips, having a safe car, and almost having all my loans paid off. Being financially free allows me that, and learning new skills enables that. The earlier you learn new skills, the more quickly you can benefit off them in your career, and the more compound interest you gain from the additional finances provided to you as a result.

But what do I know? I have a degree in Political Science and three years of experience, but even so I'm interviewing with 8 Fortune 50 companies for $xxx,xxx salaries.

Anyway, not to rant. But it pays off.

I'm 25 right now, but I recommend anyone in their 20s read The Defining Decadelink.

Figuring out who you really are after leaving? [R]

4 years, 10 months agoJan. 8, 2015

Quick background: I stopped believing several years ago, but I was still a “social mormon”—I was married to a TBM—until last spring. The marriage fell apart after church leaders started recommending my ex divorce me since we were still young (27) and didn’t have kids yet. She chose the church over me. That part was shitty… The silver lining is, after we split, I was able to completely cut ties with the church. I live in New York City and found a whole new group of supportive friends. Super grateful for all of them, they kept me going when life was darkest.

Fast forward to now: I recently started dating again, but keep hitting a wall. Because my old identity was so wrapped up in being the “perfect mormon man,” I lost track of who I actually was. Now after a couple of dates, when a woman asks me for my feelings/thoughts about anything—politics, love, marriage, family, children, etc.—I have to say, “I don’t know how I feel,” because I don’t. I’m still trying to figure it out. I didn’t realize how much work it would be to put myself together after leaving the church.

Like a lot of mormons, I was pretty conservative before leaving. Now I find myself leaning liberal. I’m 100% for LGBT rights, consider myself a feminist, and think weed should be legalized, but I haven’t taken time to consider any other political viewpoints.

My view on marriage is pretty fucked up thanks to the church. Is it all a fairytale? What is a good marriage? Should I actually try to get married again (eventually)? Deep down I think I’m a romantic, but honestly I have no clue how I feel about any of that.

And kids. Oh man. I always said I wanted kids when I was growing up, but now that I’ve been outside of mormon culture for a while, and I’ve been away from kids, I really don’t know if I’d ever actually want them.

The more I find out about myself, the more I realize I really am not built for the “mormon ideal," and I’m glad I’m out of the church. But it’s still immensely difficult to discover and rebuild this new version of me.

For those of you who feel like they’ve constructed a new, healthy, identity after leaving the church: What did you do to discover who you “really” are?

4 years, 10 months agoBitchIAmBatman posted on exmormon.
Jan. 8, 2015

I feel this exact same way. Now that my future isn't set in stone of "Get married and make babies" and I can think and pick for myself, I have NO idea what I want to do. I know I do still like the idea of getting married one day, and I know that I do NOT want kids, but I have no idea what to do instead. I have no idea who I am.

I'd recommend reading "The Defining Decade".

It's about "making your twenties matter" and figuring out who you are, but I think it's very motivational and inspiring and extremely helpful for anyone in an identity crisis regardless of age. I spent a few weeks the last month crying because I absolutely have no clue what to do with the rest of my life. I very literally don't know how to think for myself, and this book is changing that, slowly but surely.

Unable to recover a rocky relationship with my GF who has BPD [R]

4 years, 11 months agoDec. 16, 2014


4 years, 11 months agopitypartylikeits1999 posted on BPD.
Dec. 16, 2014

>When she sometimes stay over in the town he lives in, she sleeps in his bed. They have a couch. I don't think things are platonic, and though he tells me that it is. God, his presences drives me int a speculative-crazydom.

DUUUUUUUUUDE. Dude.... Dude? I mean come on. If I was your friend I would slap you in the face. Just know that when you breakup she is doing to get another BF the next day and you need to be mentally prepared for that. She is going to hound you relentlessly after that. Dont look at her instagram/fb/etc. it will only hurt you

Its good that she is in DBT and it will be up to you if you want to completely cut her out of your life or see if she gets any bit better. A relationship should be mutual and this relationship is not.

>I feel like I let myself stagnate. I don't enjoy life.

Nothing more needs to be said. Get out before she destroys whats left of you. On your road to recovery, if you're in your 20's or about to be, I suggest this book, its helped me mentally a lot already even though I read it kind of late (I'm 27).

2yrs. with sweet SO (21/M) but he's starting to bore me (20/F) [R]

4 years, 11 months agoDec. 11, 2014


4 years, 11 months agoSojuSojuSoju posted on relationships.
Dec. 11, 2014

Hmm. You seem to see a future with this guy, which implies serious decisions like co-habitation, marriage, children, etc. He sounds like he's more focused on living in the now, which is fine, for him.

Consider this: Is there any evidence he (and for that matter, you) is working toward achieving your future goals, or are they just sweet nothings to keep you satiated while he perfects his K/D ratio on COD?

You're not being a "heartless bitch." I'd say your concerns point to a very heartfelt feeling. You want your boyfriend to improve educationally for himself, and you want to keep things moving relationship-wise for the both of you. Unless you start making ultimatums and harranguing him without calmly explaining your reasons why (for example), you haven't nearly crossed into "bitch" territory.

Now, while he's working two jobs (how long can a man keep that up, btw?), smoking ganja, drinking the Dew, and gaming, what are you doing? You seemingly implied you're in Uni, and I'm guessing you're pursuing other things in your life, based on the overall candor of your post. In the next few years you'll start changing as a person, and if he stays the same, something's going to give.

I don't mean to frighten you or anything, but there's a good possiblity you're dating someone who's perfect for you right now,but, as you've rightly began to see, may not be the perfect guy for you to settle down with. That's okay. It's part of growing up.

Take some time to think about the future from a variety of different scenarios and decide if the real him can be a part of your ideal future.

Also, I'd highly reccomend you read The Defining Decade, or at least listen to author Meg Jay's TEDTalk. I think you're starting to grasp the issues that affect many 20-somethings, myself included, and it can give you a good perspective on some of the things you're clearly beginning to think about w/r/t your future.

Good luck!

[Article] Are you in your early 20's and feel like you've wasted too much time and it's now too late to amount to something meaningful? [R]

5 years, 1 month agosmashingbumpkin posted submission on GetMotivated.
Oct. 15, 2014

If so, I'd like you to meet Adam Steltzner. He was the mastermind behind the landing of Curiosity Rover on Mars in 2012 and named one of the top 10 most important scientists of that same year.

In high school, he struggled in classes and earned a failed grade in geometry. Up until the age of 21, he was nothing more than an unsuccessful musician, and "a college dropout and small-town playboy, an assistant manager at an organic market and an occasional grower of weed. He had few skills and fewer prospects."

While driving home from music gigs, he noticed how the position of the constellation of Orion was in a different place than before. That sparked in him an interest for astronomy and so he decided to take a class on the subject. It was only at the age of 22 that he decided to quit music and devote himself full-time to the challenge of school. At the age of 27 he earned a degree in mechanical engineering. He was eventually hired by NASA and went on to become a huge contributor to science and technology.

This man is the living proof that is not about your background or the age you start, but how much passion and effort you put into it.

EDIT: I meant failed grade instead of failed degree. My bad.

5 years, 1 month agosmashingbumpkin posted on GetMotivated.
Oct. 15, 2014

It's never too late, but the sooner the better.

And first off, I'm not coming for you! Just sharing some perspective I have really been thinking about over the past months.

In a sense, no there isn't a time limit or 'right path.' But we as a society have allowed ourselves to believe that we suddenly have an extra decade (our twenties) to 'figure it out.'

When our twenties are arguably our most critical years. For a majority of humanity, we have jumped from teenage adolescence straight into adulthood. Where has this extra decade come from? There's a problem where a lot of people put things off because they're "learning about life." By the time these people reach a certain age, they realize they should have been thinking about some major things way earlier in life.

Do you want to be in your mid thirties and struggle with worrying about: graduate school, building a career, having children, etc, all meanwhile our parents are failing in health? By waiting too long, you have to juggle with more challenges and it gets harder and harder.

Again, it's never too late, but the sooner the better. I really implore you guys to read a book titled "The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now"

I'm only twenty-two but this book has given me some major perspective and ideas about where I want my life to go. And to be honest, my goals, dreams, and paths are constantly changing. Especially since I'm in my twenties. But at least I'm being conscious of it and not putting it off like I see a lot of my colleagues doing.

Some background, I literally just finished putting myself through college. I mapped out what it is that I wanted and the actions that I needed to accomplish. Since graduating, I have moved to NYC and am an Analyst at a software company. I couldn't be happier right now. I have the rest of my life to "learn [more] about life."

tl;dr The sooner, the better!

What did you hate until you actually tried it? [R]

5 years, 3 months agoAug. 8, 2014
5 years, 3 months ago3ebfan posted on AskReddit.
Aug. 8, 2014

There are two growth spurts that occur in the human brain. The first happens when you are very young and the second happens in your twenties. The first growth spurt occurs during the first few years of your life and happens in the area of your brain that is closest to your spinal column. Billions of neurons are created during this time. This portion of the brain is responsible for emotions, sex-drives, hunger cravings, and feelings -- pretty much all of your primal instincts. The addition of so many neurons in so little time gives children's brains the plasticity to learn so many languages and words at a young age. The neurons that are not used during this time are killed off, but the frontal lobe of the brain has not yet developed. This is why kids are so good at remembering so many words, but are really bad at putting them into sentences. They'll be good at games, or putting square blocks into square holes, but they'll forget to tie their shoes, forget their lunches, or put theirs shirts on backwards -- because their frontal lobe has not yet developed.

The second growth spurt occurs in your frontal lobe and doesn't happen until your late twenties. The frontal lobe is the portion of your brain that is directly behind your forehead. It is responsible for rationality, criticalness, and forward-thinking. A lot of evolutionary psychologists think this happens to prepare us one last time for adulthood. If you're in your twenties, than for the last time ever in your life, billions of neurons are being added to your frontal lobe, with thousands of connections each to prepare you for decision making going forward.

People in their twenties are generally confused. They could have went to a good college, but don't know how to start their careers. They could have been valedictorians in high school, but don't know how to choose someone to date and don't know why. Or they feel like fakes, because they managed to get good jobs but cannot calm themselves down at work.

The brain doesn't develop itself into a forward-thinking, rational, complete brain until you enter your thirties. Many psychologists call twentysomething brains "uneven" because they are not fully developed yet.

For more information, you can read "Defining Decade" by Meg Jay. If you want, I can mail you my copy.

Leaving the nest, parents expecting to stay with you [R]

5 years, 3 months agoAug. 4, 2014


5 years, 3 months ago[deleted] posted on asianamerican.
Aug. 5, 2014

Honestly, I think independence > travel. Tons of AA folks I know that live with their grandparents/parents in their 20s do all the whatnot sassy traveling, which is cool and all, but they never really get that "breathe of fresh air" type-of-freedom as an emerging- and young adult.

Travel is only temporary/circumstantial and does not override 'earned autonomy', particularly if you lacked a 'secure base' and was bestowed a 'disorganized attachment' with parents. I mean if such is not the case, temporarily living or prolonging your stay with parents (caregiving) isn't entirely out of the pricture - we as humans aim to seek close proximity with family and our back-then so-called 'tribes'. However, the issue stems when we don't have appropriate 'boundaries' and respective from parents/that were once our caregivers to allow us to seek our own independence.

Like, if you want us to follow filial piety and all that shit, I don't think that means instilling/indoctrinating dependence in your children, at least give us some time to be independence and hone our talents (if you even care to acknowledge) in a manner where we can contribute to society/civilization - which hopefully we'll be rewarded handsomely to wake up everyday and enjoy life, to hopefully then be emotionally and financially empowered to take care of y'alls. But obviously, I suspect as with my narrative, comes with intra- and inter-generational transmission of trauma - where healthy, positive, and uninhibited motivation, does not get procured and passed on by parents despite how well-meaning they are.

But if them folks keep nagging their children, they very might as well cause their kid to float around with guilt-striken feelings of self-worthlessness and induce potentiality of suicide - or even I suppose in Japan's social epidemic given this innovative information-era; Japanese herbivore "men". And it doesn't sound like a pretty sight for Japanese elder/retirees nowadays either with the diminishing birth and marriage rates. In such interconnected global economic uncertainty, and such saturation demolishing the systematic factory-model/corporate hierarchical thinking, is becoming ever-increasingly something of the past. And tomorrow's world that is increasingly becoming today's reality invokes us to be evermore on our self-awareness, self-understanding, and self-knowledge, to procure collective intellectual and social savvy to collaboration in unison in innovative thinking that will paradigmatically shift us to the next economic revolution - just as the industrial age had expedited mankind to exponentially higher heights.

Two examples that I'm sure others can chime in to provide a better analysis: 1) Singapore has, not a bamboo ceiling, but a creative ceiling that stifles their innovation-enpowered technology sector, for which they are earnestly trying to change - with the government leading university partnerships abroad while partitioning for whatnot innovation campaigns. 2) And with the aforementioned Japan, despite their militant-orderly-society, their superior ways of everything-excellence is coming to a crushing defeat as globalization catches up with cheaper solutions (re China/Korea/Taiwan), just as more innovative solutions supersedes their longstanding industrial superiority this century ahead.

IDK about y'all but I subscribe to taking–as many fucking–risks when you can, as you can, which is as early as you can - if not now, when? To which, I would recommend y'alls to check out Meg Jay's book, "The Defining Decade". There is no other time to fail and forge 'weak ties' and gain independence other than your early 20s; it will shape who you are come in later parts/times in your life. If you are young right now, the steppingstone is right now. However, if you want to continue the family lineage with conservative values by Asian parents, then I suppose such investigation is moot, as adhering to Confucianism pedagogical doctrines would take you astray.

Think I'm in the midst of a crisis. [R]

5 years, 4 months agoerickcire posted submission on Existentialism.
July 23, 2014

I just finished law school and I'm getting ready to take (i.e. fail) the bar. I think that I've sabotaged myself in my preparations because I don't want to be a lawyer. The problem is that I don't know what I want to do. I went to law school because I didn't know what I wanted to do in life, and after three years all I've learned is that law is probably not for me. $100k well spent, I guess, for that nugget. I hate the idea of "running the rat race," and I feel that most endeavors in life, and ultimately life itself, are pretty pointless. Because of this I find motivation hard to come by.

I value self reliance, but I'm lazy. I don't want a handout, yet everything is provided for me. I see myself as some kind of an artist even though I create nothing. I really don't know where I'm going and aren't even entirely sure of who I am. I want happiness, but don't know how to find it and don't seem to be willing to try that hard to find out how to attain it. Can anyone relate to my spoiled and immature thought process/ offer advice?

5 years, 4 months agoerickcire posted on Existentialism.
July 24, 2014

HEY! EVERYTHING IS ALRIGHT! I've gone through bouts of similar thought processes and usually it's pretty difficult to dig yourself. There's no one thing that anything can say to brighten the situation or your outlook. Still, this book helped me find a bit of focus and perspective (, though it has nothing to do with existentialism.

It can be a bit corny at times, but overall it offers some pretty practical advice.

Ever since I turned 24, this scene has scared the crap out of me. [R]

5 years, 8 months agoshinkeidash posted submission on videos.
March 24, 2014
5 years, 8 months agoshinkeidash posted on videos.
March 25, 2014

awesome book that really changed my ideals and opinions about my age around.

[ASS] Achievement Sharing Sun...Monday! [R]

5 years, 8 months agoall_reddits_are_mine posted submission on NonZeroDay.
March 3, 2014

I don't see it from yesterday so here's a thread to share what you did this week! Did you get all non-zero days? Get a zero day but forgave yourself? Did you remember to read?

Share, share!

5 years, 8 months agoall_reddits_are_mine posted on NonZeroDay.
March 4, 2014

Hmmm. Stumbled upon this sub, like, 3 hours ago, and I'm hooked.

So, Monday was an okay day. I got up early enough and had some time with Rising Sun Bro and myself before my family woke up.

Around 3-ish plopped down on the computer and hunted for game soundtracks (Kirby Nightmare in Dreamland FTW).

After that I studied chemistry 15 minutes, and got bored, really really, quick. Walked in to the desktop and read up some Naruto until 7.

At 7:30 jogged about a half km and played some intense football and basketball until 10.

Ran up and down 7 flights of stairs and took a shower before sinking in with my Kindle and a nice read of Defining Decade.

I should really start studying harder.

TED Talk: Meg Jay - Why 30 Is Not The New 20 [R]

5 years, 10 months agoj0hnan0n posted submission on RedPillWomen.
Jan. 22, 2014

One of my favorite TED Talks: Why 30 Is Not The New 20

Psychiatrist Meg Jay tackles the reasons why too many young people spend their 20's developing the wrong habits, wasting time in the wrong relationships, and not growing up.

She makes a compelling case that the culture as a whole has reinforced the idea that your 20's are a "throwaway decade" and shares some meaningful stories from her patients to highlight this.

5 years, 10 months agoj0hnan0n posted on RedPillWomen.
Jan. 22, 2014

Before I watch the video, this immediately reminds me of The Defining Decade by....oh, would you look at that. By Meg Jay. A good read. Would recommend.

A Harvard MBA beautifully details how to land a job through networking. [R]

5 years, 10 months agoJan. 7, 2014


5 years, 10 months agoprgkmr posted on bestof.
Jan. 8, 2014

I'm not even sure it's a great tactic. My dog is healthy and I know what you're up when you approach me after a recruiting event asking to get coffee.

I think Meg Jay offer's a better tactic in her book the defining decade, when she points out "the strength of weak ties: the unique value of people we do not know well". There is an observable phenomenon that If weak ties do favors for us, they start to like us and then they become even more likely to grant us additional favors in the future. Behavior can also shape attitudes — if we do a favor for someone, we come to believe we like that person. To me, this is akin to natural networking and I admit the author did a good job of covering this topic. That is, reaching out to people outside your social circle, since most people’s circles are narrow and homogeneous (and become more so with age). It’s the connections you least expect that lead to the most interesting jobs — and relationships.

A book that re-ignites your drive for life. [R]

5 years, 11 months agobaconandicecreamyum posted submission on booksuggestions.
Dec. 24, 2013

I've been kind of feeling down lately, like life is just poking fun at me, and I always find contentment in a good book. Any books that get your drive for life going again or anything that gives you some sort of drive would be much appreciated. Thank you! And Merry Christmas!

5 years, 11 months agobaconandicecreamyum posted on booksuggestions.
Dec. 25, 2013

From your post history, I'm guessing you're 17? You can get a head start on your twenties by reading this book: The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now. I didn't start reading it until my late twenties. Wish I had started sooner. You might have to revisit the book (and The Last Lecture, for that matter) once you're a bit older and have a bit more life experience. You may pick up different things from them.

I have a previous list in a comment in this subreddit of books I recommend reading. The list focused on psychology, project management, self-improvement, etc. - books that might help someone graduating or in the work force. I dunno, you might find it useful. I recommend reading the whole thread. There were some good ideas.

Good luck in your reading journey! Let me know if you enjoy any of the books I recommended! :)

Weekend Reads, 12/22 [R]

5 years, 11 months agoC8-H10-N4-O2 posted submission on HistoryNetwork.
Dec. 22, 2013

This is the second iteration of our new feature - you can visit last weeks thread here.

Have you finished a book recently? Started one? Want to share your comments on something you're in the middle of? Everything is fair game, so share away!

5 years, 11 months agoC8-H10-N4-O2 posted comment on HistoryNetwork.
Dec. 23, 2013

Yeah I try to read one non-history book to keep from getting burnt out too. I ended up digging myself into a hole though this time, picking up 4 history books all at once. Once I knock one off my list I'll probably pick up, The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now.

That diary looks fascinating!

Adults of /r/getdisciplined, what do you regret more of your 20ies? Am I doing it right? [R]

5 years, 11 months agoDec. 18, 2013


5 years, 11 months agorjsanch67 posted on getdisciplined.
Dec. 18, 2013

Still in my twenties here, but I've been reading a book called The Defining Decade All about why your twenties are so important, its helped me a lot. It can be found on certain torrent sites in ebook form if you are a member of the broke twenty somethings cohort.

Graduating college in May--what books should I read before I enter the "real world"? [R]

5 years, 12 months agoHuHoHumph posted submission on booksuggestions.
Nov. 25, 2013


5 years, 12 months agoHuHoHumph posted on booksuggestions.
Nov. 25, 2013

I second The Defining Decade- here's a link to it on amazon:

Is it normal to feel awkward, alone, and scared about the future while in your late teens / early 20s? [serious] [R]

5 years, 12 months agoNov. 25, 2013

I'm very sociable and can get along with almost anyone, but I feel like deeper connections very rarely happen.

When they do happen, I become so surprised and excited that I turn into a huge blabbermouth completely overpowering people in conversation, which understandably makes me seem self absorbed, when ironically I'm just really stoked to have met someone who's like me - there's so much I want to share with them.

It's really tough to deal with. I don't know what to do. Sometimes at night I wonder if I'll ever really belong, or if I need to, or what that even means.

There are pictures on my laptop of happier times that I've set as a desktop background to remind me of what was (and could be), but even then I remember going through a lot of hard stuff.

I thought high school was supposed to be this thing that you suffered before entering the beauty of the real world, but the real world seems worse.

5 years, 12 months agowhoba posted on DecidingToBeBetter.
Nov. 25, 2013

As a mid-20 dude; that's how i felt/ and still do every once in a while since graduating.

Perhaps you should give this book a read: 'The Defining Decade: Why your twenties matter' since it seems quite relevant to you. Some interesting points in it that does puts things in perspective. Although it scared me a bit because I read it only recently and made me feel like i wasted half of my twenties already lol.

Just found the author also had a ted talk, althought i haven't watched it yet; but its probably similar to what she wrote in the book.

Your average hipster [R]

6 years agoOct. 27, 2013


6 years agoStartWatch posted on cringepics.
Oct. 27, 2013

Once 30 hits you usually have a "wtf am I doing with my life" moment. I don't know from experience as I'm 22, but I did read a book about it. this one

In my senior year, this is all I can think about [R]

6 years, 1 month ago[deleted] posted submission on AdviceAnimals.
Oct. 21, 2013
6 years, 1 month ago[deleted] posted on AdviceAnimals.
Oct. 22, 2013

What book are you reading? I'd be interested in reading it too. I started one called "Willpower," but I didn't really like it. However, if you are in your twenties, one book that I highly recommend is "The Defining Decade." I do make lists and prioritize them. My lists look like this.

  • Eat healthy
  • Clean apartment / laundry
  • Get sleep
  • Exercise
  • Go to work / prepare for next day classes
  • Study for the GRE standard
  • Study for the GRE psych
  • Study Japanese
  • Write in journal
  • Write for this one magazine I am volunteering for
  • Email professors at schools to find out who you would want to work with
  • Research grad schools

I find it really hard to do all of these things. I am trying to think if there is a way I could vary my priorities from day to day, like one day is language study, the next day is psychology/grad school, the next day is writing. Then I would repeat. But half of the time, I am too busy with just daily life shit: cooking, cleaning, exercise, work, errands. Nothing ever seems to get accomplished in my life. I have a steady job, but I'm not doing what I love. I need this job though because it pays my loans and I am even saving money. I am just trying to make it work in terms of a daily schedule. But it just seems too difficult.

That list doesn't include the things that I am stressed about that I have a lot of trouble controlling...

  • Recent breakup with ex (broke up with her because I felt overwhelmed)
  • Kind of addicted to Internet
  • Watching too much TV
  • Spending a lot of time (too much?) with friends
  • Keeping in touch with family and friends from home
  • Hating my job often
  • Hating my partner at work often
  • Spending money when I shouldn't
  • Falling into depressive cycles (recently took off a whole week of work to essentially sit around and watch TV)


The phone that never rings. [R]

6 years, 2 months ago[deleted] posted submission on BPD.
Sept. 15, 2013

I lost my phone the other day. I didn't get too panicked, but I was concerned. I found it, eventually, beneath my bed.

0 missed calls 0 texts

I tried to be grateful that I didn't miss anything. But all I could feel was how no one missed me. It reminded me of how alone I am. How lonely I've become.

I feel that in this sub-reddit, we share a truly unique experience with BPD and all the baggage that comes with it. We endure loneliness, isolation, and alienation. We want to be loved and understood so badly that we get angry and emotionally hurt others when it doesn't happen. The cycle continues.

Sometimes, we do impulsive things because our feelings overwhelm us, or we do things to make us feel alive. Other times, we do impulsive things to make us feel like we're somebody, because often, we feel like we're nobody, or worse, we feel like we don't exist.

And when we're inconsolable, when our feelings drown us and we feel like everyone has turned their back on us, we turn our desperateness on ourselves. We've got scars to prove it. But it's embarrassing and shameful.

It's strange to realize that even people who live without BPD can feel lonely, isolated, and even alienated. But they never experience their emotions as intensely as we do. Just like Spinal Tap's guitar amplifiers, our emotions go to 11.

It's extreme. It's all-or-nothing. It's black-and-white. How do we fit into this world that is made of shades of grey? How do we keep going? It's amazing that we can even wake up and go to work or school.

Regardless of where we end up, we felt the world's pain and it became our pain. We took it into ourselves and understood that this is our burden.

6 years, 2 months ago[deleted] posted on BPD.
Sept. 17, 2013

Lol, Like you, I have all-or-nothing thinking as well, so I had to deliberately "sabotage" myself before my needs become unsustainable. I kind of lost my iPhone deliberately 13 months ago, so I can force myself to not seek too much validation from texting and do incessant on the mobile. So far it has worked out great. I've been forging many more weaker connections in IRL relationships (see the book The Defining Decade by Jay Meg), that I will inevitably strengthen in the future. I've focused more on reading articles/books/learning. I learned not to depend on my phone when things get awkward talking to people.

However, eventually I'll want to get off of Reddit, and I think I'm nearing a point of that as well. I think I've browse and participate enough to absorb the high of everything on here for the past 3.5 years, and most of my of the discussions and education I find online is rather incomplete. I think what's most realizing that figuring out BPD in my psycho-life, that the online resources and communities are becoming limiting resources in comparison to the real books/attendance/experiences out there.

Unfortunately, I still have a few more things to wrap up on the computer/internet world, before I can sell my MacBook and utilize/bum library/public/friend's computers, or maybe switch back and just use a smartphone – which I believe I will be less addicted to now. :3

If you can mindfully give up something in advance, and rationalize and force yourself to cope/seek validation in other ways – soon enough you'll forget and you'l rewire your neurons to XYZ experience/expectations. I had the same exact feeling as you did before, but now I realize it was me that disengaged and lacked the willpower to call people, or reciprocate their communication. I was too trapped into my intrapsychic reality. For BPD, it's being trapped in your intrapyshic reality of feeling abandoned and helpless. Holding both of these paradigms is paradoxically perpetuating self-victimizing/entrapment.

I don't think you, or many other people, should use this as a rationalizing tool for being Borderline. It is literally just self-defeating yourself. You have coped with your feelings by posting a thread, which you obviously get favorable replies, coming from a BPD community (you'd likely are in the wrong place if you don't reply feeling "isolated"), but I also encourage you to look beyond and figure out why and how you've reach to the point you're at now.

My life [R]

6 years, 3 months agodwolfy posted submission on AdviceAnimals.
Aug. 12, 2013
6 years, 3 months agodwolfy posted on AdviceAnimals.
Aug. 13, 2013

You're at a transitional point in your life. This is supposed to be the position you are in. May I suggest you check out the book The Defining Decade? It really helped me out when I was at your age and in the same position. Don't worry about girls, they are for later, building yourself should be your primary focus right now.