Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life Paperback – April 1, 1992

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Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life Paperback – April 1, 1992

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Discussion and Reviews on Reddit

I'm out $600 after my(29m) best friend(31m) and his wife(29f) made me the door mat at their wedding. [R]

1 month agoThefirstofherkind posted submission on relationship_advice.
Sept. 17, 2019

Groom and I had been friends since middle school and best friends since high school. I'm one of the only people he talks to about his emotions, which is particularly important because I've been his go-to for advice, especially in relationships. In fact, since knowing him, I've talked him through each of his break ups. We've mutually called each other brothers, he helped me move, I helped him plan and throw his mom's 60th birthday party just last year. I'm close with his family, his mom actively asks about me. I've also been close to each of his significant others, save for his now wife.

A month after his engagement, 6 of the 7 Groomsman Invitational Boxes went out. We have a very tight knit group of friends that have been together since high school, supplemented by college and work friends. Of the original high school group, I was the only one not asked to be a groomsman. This obviously stung, but I maintained a jovial demeanor towards everyone while acid flowed in my veins. It triggered my depression for a solid month where I questioned so much (do any of my friends even care about me? am i not groomsman material? is it because they thought i was too fat?) until the Groom and I had a talk.

He said it was a very hard decision choosing groomsmen, which I'm sure it was. He told me that I was in the original roster of groomsmen (only 6 out of 7 had received invitations) but that the Bride would not sign off on my involvement. Apparently, I had said something off-color about their relationship as it was beginning and she held it against me ever since. She'd apparently never brought it up until now, years later, and never gave me any indication of being uncomfortable with me (her family even loves me). I'm generally a very positive, well-received person, so this was news to me. He said it was tearing him up inside, and I believed him at the time, and he asked me to try and talk to her, see if we could make amends. He said that he'd let her know that I knew about how she felt towards me and that I'd be reaching out to talk about it. So I messaged the Bride through text and DM, saying (paraphrased), "Hey! I'm so sorry if anything I've said has upset you. Can we meet sometime and talk? I'd love to clear it up, or hear your side at least." The Bride leaves me on read, and a month later, the final Groomsmen Invitation Box goes out to another friend.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago, the Bridge, Groom, and I are hanging out at a mutual friends birthday. Groom and I are talking, and I'd since been able to process the reality of not being involved in my best friends wedding, so I ask how he's doing, and how all the prep is going. The conversation leads us here...

Groom: Hey man, I wanted to know if you could help me out with something?

Me: Sure. What's up?

Groom: I was wondering if you would want to usher for me? It's no big deal if you can't, but I want you to be there for me if you can, you know? Like, be a part of the wedding."

Me (very touched): Yeah! Of course I can, dude. Anything for you two.

Groom: Thank you so much. You know, we also have the rehearsal dinner next week. I know it's late notice, but if you can make it...

Me: I'll have to see if I can leave work early, but I'm already there, man. Thanks for thinking of me!

A week goes by with no updates or details on ushering or the rehearsal dinner, so I shoot him a text saying, "Hey man! Big day's this weekend. Just wanted to reach out and see if you still needed help with ushering, or if you'd still like me at the dinner. I got the time off with my boss, so I can definitely make it. Just let me know." He returns my text a few hours later with a call saying (paraphrased), "Yeah man, we would still like you to usher. I'll text you details later today, but we actually don't need any help at the rehearsal dinner, we kind of want it to just be the bridal party and stuff, but yeah. Thanks for helping us out!" I'm a little put out, but I persevere. At least he asked me to be an usher. That's something, right?

Morning of the wedding comes around and I'd still not received any details on what ushering is going to be like, or what time I should show up to the reception to start helping. Then Bride messages me asking for a favor. These messages were juxtaposed perfectly against the unanswered messages I had previously sent the bride to olive-branch our relationship. Bride says they forgot about the appetizers & need someone to pick them up. Can I do this for a bride, on her wedding day? Sure. Oh, one more thing, the order hasn't been paid, but they'll give me money at the ceremony, or pay me back at the reception. Sure.

At this point I should have stopped and asked myself, "Why am I helping so much? Why didn't I ask for their money up front? Should being a good friend really cost you so much emotionally, physically, or monetarily? Why would they ask their friend with the smallest car to pick up 15 boxes of appetizers?" Hindsight. 20/20. With the ceremony ended, my group of friends who weren't in the wedding party spend the hour and a half before the reception pre-gaming while I go pick up the appetizers in my very small car. Thank God I played as much Tetris as I have, because fitting all that in my car in such a way that they wouldn't otherwise topple and ruin the wedding was an all-time high score achievement. I text the Bride to let her know we've got everything together and I'd see them at the reception. Once again, left on read.

I get to the reception venue expecting a bustling crew of event organizers and family to receive me and help bring the food in. I find no leadership at the venue, no planners, no family who weren't already seated at their tables and otherwise willing to help the newlyweds get things ready. The venue does have staff, but they are all preoccupied with in-venue needs. So I have to carry all the appetizers inside by myself.

Since guests were already seating themselves, I immediately moved from placing the last appetizer box in the back to working usher duties at the front. It was a fucking mess. At one point, I was so down about the situation that I literally googled, "is it an insult if someone asks you to usher their wedding?" To start, the place cards were in no discernible order. They were also written in intricate cursive that was sometimes unclear. I should mention, too, that because of the cultural heritages of our newlyweds, we had some very interesting, hard to spell, and sure as shit hard-to-read-in-cursive names. We weren't given a table map, or a master list, or any direction at all. The best part is, I say "we" because at this point I met my ushering-peers; they were the Grooms youngest adult cousins, a pair of sisters aged 18 and 19 (I'm 29), and they were really good at finding names and seating people. When I asked why they were so good, they said, "they always make us do this because no one else wants to. We did this at the wedding last year."

After finding out that, to the Groom, I was about as equal as the lowest-rung of his family, my group of not-in-the-wedding-party friends shows up and, when seating them, I realize I am not seated with them. Odd. At least I'm seated the table next to them. They ask me to stay for a drink, but I can't because I'm still ushering. As I step back behind the name card table, I take a look out the door to my left and see the groomsmen laughing and taking a selfie. To my right, I see all of my other friends at a table without me, taking a shot. I look down at the random, nonsensically ordered name cards and I wonder, how did I get here?

Wedding kicks off & in the rare instance I can speak to Bride & Groom they don't say thank you or bring up the money. I also don't talk money because it's their fucking wedding reception, but what should I do, pluck $500 from her wedding dress during the money dance? I'm sure it's true of other weddings, but it seems like the bride and groom don't really engage or reply when I walk up to them with my hugs and congratulations. I can understand this. Maybe they're burned out. Maybe they're trying to hold back things from boiling to the surface.

Now the last song is playing, and the lights are on, and everyone's getting ready to go home and the Groom approaches me.

Groom: Hey, thanks again for your help. I was wondering if I could borrow you again?

Me: What's up?

Groom: Did you drive here? We have stuff we need to get back to the hotel... it could really help us out.

Me (internally): WHERE ARE YOUR GROOMSMEN, BRIDESMAIDS, FAMILY, OR LITERALLY ANYONE ELSE THAT HAVE GOTTEN TO SIT BACK AND RELAX

Me: ... how far is the hotel?

Groom: 10 minutes away.

Me (for a Groom, my best friend, on his wedding day: .... Sure.

Get to hotel, unpack everything, it's 12:30am, I'm hungry. Groom says to stick around, we'll hang out, drink more. He goes to get changed, I say I'm gonna grab food & come back. Groom asks for food for he & Bride. I say sure. Bride's cousin overhears & asks me to buy her food too. Sure. Then she asks the room at large who'd like food. Now I'm buying food for almost the whole after party. Cousin says she'll venmo me when I get back, & she'll pay for everyone elses stuff. Sure.

Come back, cousin is passed out. Drunken zombies grab whatever food they see. Groom walks up to me, burger in hand, & says he's actually really tired so he's gonna go pass out, but thanks for the food and help, and then leaves. I grab my food, take the elevator to the first floor hotel cafeteria, & eat alone, upset, in silence. At this point, I'm out $500 for the appetizers, $80 for the late night food run, and am pretty sure that I never really had a best friend to begin with. I feel used, humiliated, upset, and incredulous. I went from, "being a groomsmen," to being a guest, to being an usher, to being an unpaid wedding coordinator. This was the first wedding in my close knit friends circle and it turned out nothing like how I thought it would. I've never worked so hard for such little gratitude and I'm left wondering how I could have been such a chump, and how many other times I'd been taken advantage of for being helpful.

The advice I'm hoping for is, how can I go about expressing how terrible a time I had at his wedding without insulting him, if I should do that at all, how can I develop myself to not be put in situations like this, and when would it be appropriate to ask for the appetizer money back? Also, I feel like the missing puzzle piece is the Bride's side of the story, but she still hasn't given me any indication of what I did to her. I know she read my texts about wanting to clear the air, she had to have when she asked me to get the appetizers. How can I start a dialogue with her and sort this out if she won't even acknowledge it? Should I just step away from this relationship all together (after getting back my money)?

1 month agoThefirstofherkind posted comment on relationship_advice.
Sept. 17, 2019

Oh and this book has really Good reviews on helping people set up and maintain healthy boundaries! Because getting there’s really hard and sometimes we need a hand https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310247454/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_SHmGDb8XXCXP9

Making a Secret Trip to MIL's City for Easter with Kids and Not Telling Her. Need Advice! [R]

6 months, 1 week agononailsnodrag posted submission on JUSTNOMIL.
April 7, 2019

I haven't posted in a while, but to recap, we moved a few years ago from southern state where MIL lived to northern state to live near my parents. Life was much better, but my dad retired a few months ago and had to move quickly when their house sold a day after listing it. They hadn't found a house to buy yet and ended up having to move in with my brother and his family back in the southern state that my MIL lives in. This makes it hard for us since we cannot just visit my parents now without having to see my MIL.

We do not trust her to be alone with our kids and she is not happy to just see us or for us to visit, but will insist on "quality time" with our kids (ie. Time without us there) and wants them overnight. We used to always stay with her when we would visit so we could supervise so it wasnt an issue although the trips would always end up cut short as she would drive us crazy after a couple days.

I haven't seen my parents since Christmas and am incredibly close to them. My dad just had a major surgery and I want to go see them. My husband doesnt have extra vacation time to go with us, so I am going to take the kids alone over Easter break to see my parents and brother's family. We decided it would be best to just not tell my MIL that we are coming since we know it would make the trip incredibly stressful on me if we did. I actually just wont end up going if she finds out because there is no way I am dealing with her without my husband there. My husband wants us to go and agreed it is best not to tell his mom. The issue is that our kids are young (5,7 and 9). Our 9 year old knows about the trip and knows how her grandma is so she wont say anything, but we haven't told the younger two that we are going yet. I am planning on surprising them the night before and then blocking her on their Ipads so she cant facetime them while we're there.

I am worried though because she loves Easter and I know it will be WW3 if she finds out the kids were so close and we didnt tell her. She will also be trying to call them on Easter and will be yelling at my husband when they dont answer or call her back. She is also very jealous of my mom in general and always gets mad if she thinks my mom is getting more time than her. I would tell her and even go visit her if she were normal, but she wouldn't be happy just seeing us a couple times, she will insist on having the younger 2 (she wont care if she doesnt get her "quality time" with our oldest as she only ever asks for the younger 2) spend multiple nights with her and will throw a tantrum and yell at my husband if she doesnt get what she wants.

She severely abused my husband both physically and emotionally when he was a child and he is just now in therapy and on medication for it and was diagnosed with PTSD from his childhood trauma. I dont want to add to his healing by causing drama for him when he is finally doing so much better, but I really need to see my parents and it isnt fair to my parents, who are amazing parents and always have been, that they should lose out on seeing us just because his mom is going to be angry and I am too scared to deal with the drama. I am also going to have to tell my younger two kids not to tell their grandma we were there, which I hate to ask them to lie, but not sure what else I can do to avoid her finding out and not sure I trust them that it wont slip out. If it does, it will cause huge drama with his whole family and he will be the one who has to deal with the fallout, not me. My kids will also end up feeling like it was their fault for letting it slip and I hate to put that on them.

Any advice?

6 months, 1 week agononailsnodrag posted comment on JUSTNOMIL.
April 8, 2019

I recommend this book to you. It will guide you how to establish boundaries. The more time DH spends with your mom maybe the more he will see what a shit person his own mom is. You can even use yourself as an example. Point out how you parent your own kids and how its not how MIL parented him.

I have a husband that also downplays or brushes off shit his mother does. I just mostly put distance between them and made it so we barely see her.Its the only way for him to have clarity. https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454

How do you love someone that repeatedly hurt you? [R]

8 months agoSillyToni posted submission on Christianity.
Feb. 20, 2019

I have a sister who have repeatedly hurt me and my family members for years. The relationship could be going fine for a while and then suddenly I feel like I have been bitten by a snake over and over again. I notice a pattern that she does not have great relationship with people, it always end in war. She thinks everyone else but her is the problem. I finally gave up and really want to end the relationship because I've been hurt so many times, but yet I don't want to malice her because I want God to answer my prayers. I'm trying so hard to guard my heart. I don't want anything to hinder my relationship with God. How can I love her but yet don't want to have anything to do with her?

8 months agoSillyToni posted comment on Christianity.
Feb. 20, 2019

Chose to act towards them in a kind and charitable manner.

But use caution and discernment in what you expose yourself to with regards to her.

There is a book I can recommend called Boundaries. Please check it out - it is life changing.

https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454

How do I (17F) set better boundaries with my boyfriend (17M) regarding food? [R]

8 months, 2 weeks agoanti0pe posted submission on relationship_advice.
Feb. 2, 2019

TL;DR at the bottom.

Bit of an odd one, I suppose. I'll preface by saying we're both a healthy weight. My boyfriend and I have dessert food often (ice cream, store bought cheesecake etc), and occasionally have takeaway or pizza together. Sometimes we split payment evenly, sometimes I pay, sometimes he pays.

I am a slower eater with a lower appetite overall compared to him. If we have a tub of ice cream to split, we'll eat it simultaneously and I'll end up getting maybe 20%. I'd prefer to eat a tub a bit at a time, he has it all in one go. It's annoying when I've paid half or even fully and i get so little.

Or, if we're eating something that can be split evenly, like a cheesecake, he'll eat his half and beg for some of mine. Literally beg until i give in and let him have some. Which I always do. Regardless of pay, other than when he's paid, in which case he uses it as an argument to persuade me (doesn't happen too often cos i always point out how I never demand he give me his share when I've paid).

Last night i had takeaway pizza at his (he had chinese). I ate half and left the rest for the next day - except i couldn't take it home cos I left too close to when the bus was due and didn't have time to pack it up. This morning, he didn't have any of his breakfast foods left so he asked if he could have my pizza. I grudgingly agreed, and he knew i wasn't happy.

To clarify, we're both living with our parents and we have the same amount of money to spend on this stuff.

I want this to change, it's a flaw in an otherwise happy relationship. Any advice?

TL;DR - when we split food, regardless of who paid, he always wants more than his share and will literally beg for it. I always give in, but I'm done and I want this to change. Advice?

8 months, 2 weeks agoanti0pe posted comment on relationship_advice.
Feb. 2, 2019

this book will help. Read and apply it.

Short answer, be consistent. Start with setting a new expectation. “Baby, I love you and our relationship rocks. There’s one thing that’s been getting on my nerves, though. [insert explanation about him eating faster then you and therefore getting more food even when you split the bill]. I’d like us to agree on 50/50 from now on, or simply to order two separate orders if you feel like you’re going to still be hungry. Does that work for you?” Get his agreement and understanding, then stick to it. Refer to the conversation if he starts to beg. “Remember baby, we talked about this. Just because I eat less food then you at once doesn’t mean I won’t eat it later and I really look forward to leftovers. Do you want to order something else?”

Out of all my introverted friends, I'm the most extroverted which means... [R]

11 months, 3 weeks agoMoodyMcSorley posted submission on infp.
Oct. 29, 2018

Which means I have to ask the librarian where they keep the Vonnegut.

Which means I have to yell at the bus driver to stop so we can get off.

Which means I have to ask the waitress for more napkins.

And quite frankly, I'm tired of this shit.

11 months, 3 weeks agoMoodyMcSorley posted comment on infp.
Oct. 29, 2018

There is nothing noble in enabling irresponsibility in other people. Set boundaries with your friends and don't let them make their responsibilities yours.

Tell them to ask for their own damn napkins and keep yours to yourself.

btw, I like this book a lot. If you find this pattern with your friends, you might be dealing with lack of boundaries in other areas of your life, so I recommend giving this a read. (I'd suggest every human being read it, especially idealists like NFs)

https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454

Issues with my Mother [R]

11 months, 3 weeks agoRoarEatSleep posted submission on beyondthebump.
Oct. 28, 2018

I didn’t know where else to post this, but you ladies have always been so supportive in the past.

To be blunt... I can’t stand my mother. She is a borderline narcissistic hypochondriac. I recently had my first baby, who is also the first and only grandchild. Throughout my pregnancy I was given a lot of unnecessary and unwanted advice. A lot of hypocritical advice too, from a woman who smoked her entire pregnancy (it was the 90s, I get it), but now is deathly afraid of anything gmo, non-organic, gluten or dairy. It was annoying, but manageable. Now that my child is born, it’s worse. I hate to say this, but I really don’t like being around her. It’s not any one thing she does, she’s not aggressive or ever that terrible of a person, I just can’t stand her. Our relationship has ALWAYS been strained. I like to describe it to other people as, if I met her in any other way we would not be friends. I don’t like her as person, the fact that she’s my mother does not change that. She’s the type of person that people really like, or they absolutely cannot handle being around, I’m sure everyone knows the type. My husband used to say I was too hard on her, and my fuse was too short. But I spent 27 years dealing with her, and you lose patience. She gets under my skin immediately, I’ve tried to change my reactions but no matter what I do she plays the victim. We’ve been married 3 years now and he’s changed his tune, he no longer says that to me. In fact, he’s dislikes being around her as much as I do, probably more so because he doesn’t feel familial guilt.

I’m just really not sure how to handle her anymore. The sad truth is I don’t want to spend time with her. She wants to visit at least once a week (we live VERY close to one another), I get it, but I just don’t want her to. At all. I don’t want to see her, I don’t enjoy spending time with her, and frankly I don’t feel comfortable leaving my child alone with her. That’s would be the simplest solution. It’s not that I feel my baby would be unsafe in anyway, it’s that my mother completely does not respect my rules or wishes in regards to my child. It’s a constant struggle when we ask her to use hand sanitizer, she argues when we say not to kiss her face. These are rules we implement with everyone. She hasn’t been vaccinated yet (too young) and it’s flu season starting. She mocks me in a baby voice to my child when she doesn’t agree with me... like, mommy thinks nana doesn’t know how to take care of babies but she forget who raised her, etc. So I won’t leave my infant with her, because I don’t trust her to do what I ask. She would blantantly disrespect my rules, and think it’s funny. She just doesn’t take me seriously, and I don’t think she’ll ever see me as an adult. I’ll always be her child, who she gets to tell what to do and knows best.

So I guess I’m asking, have any of you been in a similar situation? How do you handle it? I honestly just wish she would go away and I know that makes me sound like a terrible person.

11 months, 3 weeks agoRoarEatSleep posted comment on beyondthebump.
Oct. 28, 2018

I really like the book boundaries. It changes the way you think about and act in relationships. It’s all logical, but if you’ve never thought about your relationship that way it’s a new way of doing things.

You are an adult. You get to choose how your mother treats you and interacts in your life. Draw some firm boundaries there and if she can’t abide them she will have consequences.

People with no boundaries and people with boundaries that are to intense suffer. You need to find the middle. So, for instance, if you don’t want her to kiss baby then say ‘it’s flu season and I’m not comfortable with you kissing baby. If you do kiss him, I’m going to have to hold him or put him in his swing’...and then do that. If she’s speaking about you in a disparaging way (your mom is being silly. Who raised her. Etc) calmly say that you are this child’s mother and you will raise this child according to your own guidelines, just like she got to raise her kids according to hers. If she can’t respect that, then maybe it’s best for her to leave and come back another time when she can respect your rules.

Be kind, but firm. It’s great practice because when baby is 2/3 you will get to do lots of work establishing and maintaining boundaries.

The bible says that children should obey their parents and honor them. What if our parents aren't honorable? [R]

11 months, 4 weeks agoOct. 25, 2018

[deleted]

11 months, 4 weeks agoSillyToni posted comment on Christianity.
Oct. 25, 2018

I'm trying to write a comment but it hurts too much to try to put this into words.

I'm so sorry for what you went through. A father is supposed to be the spiritual leader of the home and what you experienced is so twisted and damaging. I can't adequately express my sorrow over what I just read.

The worst thing about this is our relationship with our earthly father will color the way we see God for the rest of our lives. Unless we regularly replace our thinking from what we experienced with truth from God's word we will forever feel from God what our fathers caused us to feel.

There is a book called Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Townsend that I would recommend to you. It talks about healthy ways to deal with difficult people in our lives that cause you pain.

I don't know how to answer your question about honoring. But you do need to forgive him and try to look for the good in him and honor that. Your father is a sinner created in the image of God but broken. Maybe some day you can see the good in him. I don't know.

My tbm mother [R]

12 months agoMiniDeflector posted submission on exmormon.
Oct. 22, 2018

I left the church about 13 years ago. My tbm mother (and my father as well, to some lesser degree) and I have had an unstable truce regarding her pushing her beliefs on me, my never-mo (2nd) wife, and our kids. A few months ago my mother made a comment to the effect of, "I believe what I believe and I'm not going to hide it anymore."

I didn't think much of it then, but ever since she's been proselytizing and pushing like crazy, sending articles and talks and the like. To complicate matters, my brother is a GA so she couches her indoctrination in the way that's meant to seem like she's just sharing what my my family has been up to.

Even worse, she voted for Trump, which is damn near unforgivable. And while you may think I'm joking, I'm not. I've been pissed off at her ever since and I can't let it go. I live in DC and the shit that's going down here on a daily basis is shocking even for DC.

But I digress.

I've tried talking to her and addressing the issue directly but despite agreeing to let it go, she just digs in her heels and doubles down.

So last week I took a different tack. When she sent me this treatise on the JST of Hebrews 11:40, instead of ignoring it, I sent her back a line by line rebuttal. It was ineffective. I then responded with a more honest assessment of her position and of my disdain for her beliefs. It was likewise ineffective. Finally, after her last testimony, I basically attacked her beliefs, her methods of argument (guilt trips heaped on top of passive aggression and wrapped in logical fallacies...with a healthy does of disingenuousness to boot), blamed her generation for the shit-hole world we live in, and said that "if you were any other person on earth, your amoral, indifferent worldview would preclude us from having any relationship whatsoever."

Finally, I told her that if she wanted to push her bullshit on me and mine, I had no choice but to push mine on her.

So now she's "heartbroken." Oh, she's not saying it directly, but she's visibly cowed. And I feel like crap.

Is it even possible to have a relationship with her? And if so, how the fuck does that happen?

12 months agoMiniDeflector posted comment on exmormon.
Oct. 22, 2018

A few months ago my narcissistic mother and I got into it. It didn’t involve religion like with your mom, but basically who she is a person and how she’s affected me growing up. I felt like shit for a while. I felt really guilty. “She is my mother after all.” I held off on acting on my guilty feelings and it’s been radio silence for a few months. I feel better than ever. She was constantly adding to my stress and anxiety and it has lessened over time. I think you should take a break from each other. I highly recommend this book. It was eye opening and life changing for me. When you resume contact set firm boundaries and follow through with consequences for breaking your boundaries. Just because she’s your mother doesn’t mean she can disregard your boundaries.

Parent spendings [R]

1 year, 1 month agothrowawaypaycheck1 posted submission on personalfinance.
Aug. 23, 2018

Hello...

So me and my parents live in the EU and I m beginning to get worried about financial issues.

My parents have worked for a while in their former country till 35 years old then moved to the EU but after reaching 45, they ve stopped working.

The reason is : "I m no longer willing to do such a disgusting job for survival". Truth be told, they were not well treated at work and gave a lot of efforts for little compensation so I kinda feel them

But now, they are living on welfare.

The issue is... their standarts of living havent lowered. They still want to go to their former country for holidays, they still want to eat/buy expensive things and even give money to relatives...

But the welfare just.. isnt enough for both my studies and such luxuries.

And since I have no control over the welfare, they spend it at will...

This led to a situation where my mom is selling her jowels (lifeline) for travels.

And more importantly, they have no retirement plan whatsoever.

Most likely, at the end of my studies, I will have to financially support them. Actually, they made it clear that they expected that from me.

In fact, if not for luck, I would have already taken a loan, not to pay my tuition fees but basically to help them financially right now.

I have no way of influencing them. I have tried, to no aval. When I talk about the travels being to expensive, I am "heartless for not wanting to see my relatives" (and I know that if we go, they will give them a lot of money)

When I talk about everyday life expenses, they "have been raised as rich kids and are not willing to lower their standarts" .

And if I tell them that we have no choice but to do so "Dont worry son, if we need money, god will give that to us as long as we pray".

Actually, they have even considered adopting an orphan in order to increase their income....

In the meantime, I m worried.....

Weekly podcast post (submit your links here!) (2018-07-09) [R]

1 year, 3 months agoRodneyBowen posted submission on podcasts.
July 9, 2018

Hi all, please feel free to submit your podcasts as a comment with the following info:

  • MANDATORY Top line should be the podcast genre first in brackets: [comedy, movies, talk, general, tech, etc.], and then the title, (all bolded if possible). Then the episode number and title. Put everything else below that line.

  • Mark it NSFW or SFW on the next line, as a courtesy to others

  • A link to your latest episode on the third line, and other related links. These should be hotlinked to save room. You can also hotlink in the top title line for the episode instead.

  • A BRIEF description of the specific episode content, including notable guests (and / or why they are notable), try and keep it to a bullet point list or 4-5 sentence paragraph.

  • A brief description of your general week to week show content (cut and paste from past weeks is fine)

  • Social links hotlinked at the bottom of the post


    This is the format everyone should try to follow to keep it neater:

    [COMEDY] The Podcast Podcast | Episode 120 - The Second Coming

    NSFW (or SFW)

    Link 1 // Link 2 // Link 3 // Link 4

    This week we talk to the President, and discuss his recent favorite comic book based movies.

    The Podcast Podcast is a podcast by podcasters about podcasts.

    Twitter // Facebook // Etc.


    • Please try and follow this format as much as possible to save people time when skimming for content.
    • Please encourage others to follow the format
    • All users are now required to meet the minimum karma requirement to post in this thread. If your post does not appear, try and get your karma count up and try again.

1 year, 2 months agoRodneyBowen posted comment on podcasts.
July 26, 2018

[TALK] JESUS CALLING Podcast "Emotional Boundaries & Spiritual Health: Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. Daniel Amen" SFW

https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/jesus-calling-podcast-touching-stories-of-faith/id1081967443?mt=2

Today’s guests, doctors Henry Cloud and Daniel Amen, help us see how science and scripture can be connected in ways that explain our hurts and heal our pain. Dr. Henry Cloud is a clinical psychologist and New York Times bestselling co-author of Boundaries. He shares Biblical and scientific support that show how healthy emotional boundaries honor God, ourselves and others. Dr. Daniel Amen is one of America’s leading psychiatrists and brain health experts. He has helped countless people change their brains and lives through his clinics, public television programs, and books, including the New York Times bestseller The Daniel Plan and his latest book, Memory Rescue. Today he tells us how taking care of our physical health helps us take care of our brain and spiritual well-being.

What to do? [R]

1 year, 3 months agoJuly 10, 2018

[deleted]

1 year, 3 months agoHappyTodayIndeed posted comment on raisedbyborderlines.
July 10, 2018

You're welcome. I have a great book for you to read if you are interested. It helped my husband push back on his uber-religious mother (in his mind; he doesn't bother to engage in real life because NOT WORTH IT, but it helps with the self-doubt). This one: https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454

Identity and parenting as a hapa dad to a 3/4 quapa son. Cultural suppression concerns. Long Post. [R]

1 year, 3 months agomomentsofnicole posted submission on parentinghapas.
June 26, 2018

Hi, /r/parentinghapas, I have a very long post to share. I'm cross posting this from /r/hapas. Tl;dr in the title

I'm half filipino, half white, son of WMAF. I've been thinking a lot more about potential identity issues and their impacts on my very happy, healthy 3/4 quapa son that astutely pays attention to everything around him. He's 18 months old. Unlike me, where I usually pass for white, hispanic, or something that's usually non-Asian, my son easily passes for Asian. I identify more with my Asian side than my white side, even though I look pretty white. I think that my son, growing up in this generation, will have far fewer identity related issues than I did (I, like many of my generation, went through many contrasting identity phases growing up), but I still worry about what he will potentially face, and what I may wind up inadvertently and negatively contributing to.

Some background: my parents have been together for 40 years this July and my mom is two years older than my dad. They met in the US and for most of my life, my mom was the educated, independent breadwinner of the family. My dad could have been considered a major "chad" in his day. Their relationship has had it's up and downs, but they make it work, and yes my dad does exhibit some extremely cringey behavior when it comes to Asian women, which me and my sister are constantly rolling our eyes at when we witness it. One thing that always irked us was that our dad was suppressing Asian cooking all of the time and forbid the cooking of fish in the house. He absolutely hated fishy smells and many Asian cooking smells in spite of all of our extended family being on our Asian side, yet we have virtually no family on our white side. He always derisively refers to family gatherings as "fire drills". My mom and her side of the family is good and moral; among her and her many siblings, we're the only hapas/mestizos in the family of our generation. A parasitic co-dependent relationship was ~not~ a factor in my parent's WMAF relationship. A sense of cultural superiority, on the other hand, was.

I'm bringing this up because it's related to some concerns in my marriage and family relationships. My wife is Viet, 1st generation, been here for 5 years. She's a "fob". We met on Match. Two sisters in law (her youngest sisters) who are in their 20's also live with us and are renting rooms, helping 1 day a week with our son. My wife and I have a mostly equal relationship and one of the things I love about her is the sheer pride she takes in working, providing, and contributing to the household. Her work ethic is far superior to mine. Where the issues arise is that I've developed a dim view of many native Vietnamese in general; she also has a dim view of many native Vietnamese. This dim view is because of some of her family's actions.

Growing up, the majority of my Vietnamese friends grew up in unbelievably dysfunctional households. My wife's family is not an exception and is also extremely screwed up. We've jointly cut off over half of my wife's siblings and don't speak to her extended family at all because they are universally terrible, greedy, selfish, and manipulative people; the type of people that would suggest to my wife in Vietnamese "stop paying for stuff, you should use his money, let him pay for everything", while smiling to my face, among so many much more horrible things. They are also the type that is involved in marriage fraud, tax fraud, and various forms of cheating and deception in virtually all aspects of their lives- personal and professional. I think the fact that my wife's siblings came here as teenagers, using fake identity papers, with no direct parental/adult supervision (parents are in Vietnam) was formative in their lack of morals. Very few of them live an honest life. We don't regret cutting them off and my wife has cut them off before for similar selfish behavior; we forgave multiple times and opened chances to amend relationships after our son was born, but the bad side of her family constantly reverts to that toxic, selfish, unappreciative mentality, so we're totally done with them. They won't be a healthy influence on our son. Anecdotally, many native Vietnamese- not just her family- that we've interacted with have acted similarly and haven't hesitated to back-stab and back-bite others in fits of selfishness and jealousy. I've witnessed this kind of behavior with some Filipinos of course, but I feel like it's really on another level with Viets. Dafuq.exe

So how this all applies to our son: our household is mostly Viet. We're eating Viet food 80% of the time and Vietnamese is spoken at the table constantly. I'm frequently having to butt in to ask for translation because I feel socially isolated in my own home by not being in on the conversation, even though most of their conversations are just girl/sister talk. I love Viet food and cook it like a mofo myself, but I also cook so many other things. Cooking is one of my cherished hobbies. I love cooking Japanese, Korean, Filipino, Italian, Indian and more; because of my wife and her sister's ease and comfort to default to Viet, I dislike the feeling of being left out (that cornerstone of hapa identity issues) and I feel like my multi-culture as an Asian-American is being pushed out by the mono-culture of Vietnamese. I want my son to be exposed to diverse things, yet I'm very self conscious about my internalized prejudices and very selfish conscious about acting like a WM asshole with superiority issues that shuts down his wife's culture.

My son is half Vietnamese, but I want him to be multi-cultured. Wat do fellow parents /r/parentinghapas? Am I being a jerk for thinking this way?

1 year, 3 months agomomentsofnicole posted comment on parentinghapas.
June 29, 2018

My husband is Filipino and our daughter is 13 months, so AMWF. We met on PoF :)
I feel you on the language thing. It's a common complaint of mine, but I've gotten to the point where I just plop down and read on my kindle. If they want to include me, they can speak English to me (which they speak fine, btw).

I think, given that you are the minority in desires for different food, cooking 80% Vietnamese food seems about right. That means you're eating 20% non-Viet food, right? Your desire for non-Viet food can be fulfilled by making lunches for work.
A lot of our meals at home are kind of a mix of Asian/White people food. When my husband works on the weekend, I whip out mac-n-cheese <3
Do they overtake the kitchen so that you can't cook at all?

As for the bad behavior, ... I recommend this book https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454
I've read a little about "boundaries" and this is really the best book I've read. Also, r/JUSTNOFAMILY is good for support too.

Other than that, we're here at r/parentinghapas :D

MIL skips our wedding because she's dying. Except that she's not dying. I need advice on how to feel and what to do. [R]

1 year, 3 months agoannaapple5 posted submission on JUSTNOMIL.
June 21, 2018

FTP;LTL, throwaway account, epically long.

DH and I are newlyweds. Like brand spanking newly married. Our relationship has been called a romantic movie more than once, but when you know you’ve met your spouse and you’re self-aware enough to take action, you just do it. We’ve been together 2.5 years, married about 30 days. It’s been a ridiculous whirlwind romance where we both swept each other off our feet. There’s a lot of backstory here, a lot of history with MIL, that I’m sure I’ll eventually get to writing. Some key points are that MIL is ultra-religious and super narcissistic. DH grew his blinding spine (yes, so so blinding, I have actually mistaken it for the sun) to survive under MIL’s reign of terror. She lies. Oh man does she lie. And she’s got a very convenient selective memory. Classic narc monster-in-law. We’re lucky in that we see her maybe once or twice a year, because we live so far away from her. But she calls every other Sunday after lunch with her Church friends, sometimes we pick up and sometimes we’re out with our furbaby having an adventure. She seems to only ever call on a Thursday or a Sunday.

I, with the help of my absolute just yes family, planned our destination wedding (literally across the world) in 6 months. A big week long vacation where I had to keep track of everyone who flew into my Father’s home country, translate, identify foods, schedule airport pick-ups/drop-offs, hotel stays, domestic flights, meals, and events. I’m very well organized and super type-a, this was my jam. It was a very memorable wedding and one of the greatest opportunities to have a gigantic family vacation, even my brother’s in-laws were there! Awesome side note, is that I reformed my JustNoFIL into a JustYes in time for our wedding and now he gets along with my parents so well, they collectively made tentative plans to vacation again together.

We were saving a ton not having the wedding in the states, and figured we could use the “extra cash” to get stuff that really meant something. We racked our brains and I found the perfect thing, a wedding ring workshop. We were so fucking excited to go and make our own rings that we’d be wearing forever. For a while it was our go-to answer whenever someone asked, “How’s planning going?” “Great! We’re really excited, we have a day class where we make our wedding rings! It’s gonna be so awesome, we’re forging our future!” (BTW, if you have a DIY wedding ring workshop in your area and you’re going to get married, I suggest you do this if you can afford it. It was a really awesome day and I get to wear a ring that DH made with his own hands every day, and we got this cool opportunity to learn something awesome together! DH really took well to jewelry making and has a new found appreciation for all the crafty things I do around the house. Bonus ego boost, because our rings are one-of-a-kind, he gets a lot of compliments at the office for having a really cool ring. People ask him where he bought it a lot. He gets that proud smile and loves saying, “My wife and I made them! We melted down ore and made rings!”)

MIL knew the day we were going to go make our rings. We’d spoken to her about it in length just a few days before. She knew every detail, when it was, what time we had to leave to get there, how long the trip was going to take, etc. So on that rainy Saturday morning, we kissed our furbaby goodbye, and set off two hours south to make it to the studio by 10am, sharp. At 9:45, driving down the highway, so close to our exit, MIL calls. DH and I thinking, “Meh, we’ll have to let her go in a few minutes anyway, let’s just pick up and see what she needs. She doesn’t usually call on a Saturday, never in the morning, and she knows we’re on our way to make our wedding rings. It’s gotta be important.” We picked up on the car’s bluetooth. She tells us she’s been diagnosed with a rare incurable autoimmune disease and that she "doesn't know how long she has." I switch from happy-excited-mode to business mode, my own mother is 2 years away from being out of the woods with her cancer, and I show my love through action. I’m frantically googling while she’s talking, DH is silent in shock. I ask, “When were you diagnosed?” She responds, “They aren’t entirely sure but they’re 95% sure it’s this.” I thought, so not diagnosed, then... “Only 95% sure? Have you had a biopsy yet?” This seems to take her by surprise, she didn’t know about my Mom having cancer (I didn’t tell her cause it’s not my story to tell) so she doesn’t know the extent of research I’ve done, or the amount of times I’ve slept in a hospital chair, or the conversations I’ve had with anyone in the medical field who would talk to me. I was pretty familiar with the steps that needed to be taken at that point, I was trying to get more info from her so that I could help and give her tools to get better. I knew what my mom was like after her surgery, I remembered her pain and what she liked having at her fingertips. I wanted to find out what was going on with my MIL, I was already mentally scheduling a flight out there on the next three day weekend. MIL sheepishly responds that she put off her biopsy until next week, she deflects and starts saying love bomb-y stuff. “I just love you two so much, please don’t tell your siblings yet, I want to tell them myself. I’m not feeling sick, I feel healthy, I can still go biking…” we’re both in shock. DH planned to circle the block a few times to get a parking space, but he just couldn’t deal and we pulled into a lot. She just kept talking and talking, and DH eventually said, “Well Mom, we’re here at the place. We have to go inside to make our rings now.” “Oh! Right! That thing! Have fun, I love you both!” we hang up. I timidly ask DH how he’s feeling, he responds, “I don’t know. I don’t really want to think about my mom dying right now. I want to think about you and our future.” We put aside MIL for a whole day and just enjoyed ourselves. We finally talked about it a few days later. I went full force wedding planning and MIL medical checking. I started a schedule for BIL, SIL, and us to be with her so she could get some help for right after her biopsy. I buy her a locket that she can wear during recovery, I get it engraved “with you always” on the back. I start making pasta bakes and stews that I ship to her frozen, overnight, so that she can still eat healthy, save money, and not have to cook for herself. All the while, she’s saying that she wants to do a 10-day biking tour in the northern part of the country we’re getting married in. I think this is great, because that means that I don’t have to worry about her day-to-day, that saves me having to think around the possible awkwardness of her being around FIL whom she cheated on and divorced from, and she’s well enough to take a 10-day strenuous tour of a foreign country!

With only a few weeks left until we leave, I finally get fed up waiting for her to let me know her plans. I need to pay the deposit for the driver and get him the list of everyone’s arrivals and departures, and I also need to confirm her room at the hotel/venue. We call her up, she says, “Please don’t be upset. But I won’t be able to attend the wedding. I know my own body and I just can’t bear to think what I would do if something happened to me. I’m also starting my chemo and I have to be here for that.” We understand. Of course, she’s dying. We can’t expect her to fly 20+ from her deathbed. We decide that we’ll fly to her to see her after the wedding. I include her via video chat (along with my Mom and best friends) to pretty much every major wedding thing I do, dress shopping, tux shopping, invitation designs, etc. I want her to feel included because she’s missing out on her first son’s only wedding and I figure that’s pretty devastating from a loving Mother’s point of view.

Three days before our wedding, we’re out on the town in the Fatherland (what I lovingly call my Dad’s home country) with our best friends, and DH’s siblings. We’re singing along to the awesome live band they’ve got doing covers, we’re getting free drinks from the owner of the bar for “bringing in so much business on an otherwise dull day/congratulations on the wedding!” drunk, I ask SIL, who was the only person to have visited MIL at that point, “How’s MIL? Did she give you a definitive date on when we need to put her into hospice? DH and I were planning on-” SIL interrupts, “Wait, what? Mom’s not dying. She’s still going to the gym and working 12 hour days.” DH and I look at each other, I see both rage and defeat in his eyes. We decide right then and there, we’re NC.

The Sunday after our return home, she calls. DH isn’t interested in picking up. This goes on for another 2 weeks, every Sunday and I say, “She doesn’t even know we’re mad. Just talk to her for a second to let her know why we are going NC. If she admits to lying, we can try to heal.” DH is pessimistic, but agrees to answer the next time she calls. I don’t have a great week, emotionally (the wedding was, like I said, memorable. Looking back on it, I had fun, but I still want to cry sometimes about it.) Then an old friend of mine gets into an accident and slips into a coma. DH is not well equipped to handle actual grief from me. He’s very empathetic and his “very strong” wife broke the fuck down. So he was giving me a little space, when his Mom calls. I’m sitting at my vanity, playing with make-up looks to distract myself as I’m getting text updates from my other friend who is at the hospital with the family. DH comes into the room, MIL on speaker.

She starts with asking how the wedding was, how was vacation, etc. We give her short answers and DH starts bombarding her with medical questions. How’s the chemo going? What’s the name of your illness? When do we need to come up there? She gives us short answers. DH is frustrated and emotionally drained, I am too. Her lying gets under his skin. He says, “Oh, well, I must have misunderstood SIL because she said you’re not terminal as you would have had us believe.” She pauses and says, “Define terminal.” Like, what? If you have to ask, you’re not terminal. DH just says, “No. I’m not defining that. Please, just stop lying to us. We were worried our whole trip and wedding that you would have no one in case of emergency because all your kids are out of the country. You let us worry about you on a day that should have been all about DW and I.” She gets fucking pissed. Starts yelling at us, screaming that she IS sick! And how, “If you think I lied about this to get out of your wedding, I’d be crushed.” He says, “That’s exactly what I think.” She reaches a new level of banshee-esque screaming. DH would later admit that it reminded him a lot of his youth. She says, “I can’t deal with this right now. I’m going to send you both the diagnoses and we’ll talk in an hour. OK?” DH looks at me, I just shrug and mouth, “Sure.”

We wait a while, no email, so we decide we’re hungry and I’m upset about my friend being in a coma, I need to not be in the house and we both need a distraction. We gear up the furbaby for a long walk and off we go on an adventure. A few hours later, we’re pulling up to a furbaby friendly restaurant and MIL calls back. She immediately lays into us saying, “Did you get the email? Have you read it through?” “DW and I went to lunch, haven’t had a chance to check my email. We’ll do it when we get home and I’ll call you back. Shouldn’t be more than an hour or so.” “I don’t need this right now! BLAH BLAH BLAH SHRIEKING!” I give DH the “that’s enough” motion and he ends the convo with a, “We’ll call you back.”

I read her diagnoses and do research. Yes. She’s sick. But she’s certainly not dying and it’s not the rare disease she told us it was before. It’s sorta kinda related, but not THAT serious. So to put it in not confusing terms, let’s just say she told us she was at end-stage liver cirrhosis, turns out she’s just got liver damage, she’ll have to keep up her health and only drink alcohol in moderation the rest of her life, but it’s manageable and she’s not dying. I do a ton of research and I see that the treatment for her should just be a daily dose of steroids and on her way she goes. She’s saying that she has to go in every two weeks for aggressive IV chemo. My Godmother has pancreatic cancer and when I asked her about her treatments, she said, “I go into chemo for a two week stint, then my body gets fucked up and I’m wiped out for 6 months. THAT’S aggressive chemo. I don’t know what the hell your MIL is talking about and I don’t know anyone in my ward that does that.”

We stay NC. And then one day, MIL texts us a photo of her little IV bag that has her name on it and the big bold “CHEMOTHERAPY” at the bottom. DH and I feel really, really bad now. She’s obviously sick. But she’s not dying. She’s definitely lied/omitted the full truth to us for pity attention. She speaks in vague enough terms to spin the tale any way she wants. Classic narcissist. DH called her last Sunday around the time she usually calls us, his intention was to apologize for accusing her of not being sick, not for anything else, she didn’t pick up. I don’t even know what to do or how to think. She’s lied to us a LOT before and logically, I feel that I shouldn’t feel bad for assuming that this was a lie too. But I do feel bad. And I don’t know what to do. She's not always terrible, in fact, she's gotten much better since DH's childhood. When she's around she's usually pretty loving and generous when she's not bringing up stuff from the past and getting under DH's skin for no reason. I flip flop between feeling goddamn terrible for assuming she's a liar, and not feeling bad at all, because she totally is, just not about being sick.

Edit: The bag DOES say CHEMOTHERAPY. I fixed that. Thanks to all your lovely llamas with better understanding of medical stuff, thank you. I really needed that validation. Her IV is legitimate, it's a clear bag with a white label on top that has her name and DOB, another large white label that takes up most of the bag has the medication and dosage, etc. On the bottom on a black label it says "CHEMOTHERAPY Dispose Properly" or whatever, not exact.

Guys, I'm not spineless either. There is a LOT of story here that you don't know yet. I didn't convince DH to break NC. I told him straight up that I was going to be NC (scorched earth style) with her and she was never ever going to meet her future grand kids. DH convinced me to at least be VVVVLC just so I can listen "impartially" because he doesn't feel comfortable having conversations alone with her anymore. I also don't trust him to not get over emotional and start yelling back at her, I don't think that fighting fire with fire will help. He wants me to not be so rigid so that I can feel comfortable piping up and telling her off. She's still never going to meet her grand kids. My first priority is now and has always been the safety and happiness of my family. My family is DH and furbaby now. If that means that I "bend over backwards" to take care of her so that DH doesn't have to, I will.

I told him to pick up the phone because DH was the one waffling, he was the one who wanted to confront her. I said, if you think that will help, go for it. And I gave him a Devil's Advocate/unpopular advice of, "She doesn't know we're mad..." so that he could understand that I would support his choice even if I didn't agree. We both learned a hard lesson. He called her to apologize without discussing it with me. That's not something he's ever going to do again.

All of MIL's children moved far far away from her. SIL, who is closest, lives a 6 hour drive away. Before all of this, I was the only one left that wouldn't roll her into the closest ditch when she croaked. Now, I've claimed a primo spot to put my foot when we kick her into the gutter.

You guys have opened up my eyes a little more. I see that DH is mad because she took advantage of ME. So when I was working 14 hour days, planning an international wedding, dealing with the death of a good friend, I had to drop it all to deal with her and that's the thing he's saltiest about.

1 year, 3 months agoannaapple5 posted comment on JUSTNOMIL.
June 21, 2018

Please don't let anyone tell you how to feel or what to feel. Feeling are information about what you are experiencing, what your internal state is. Listen to that voice.

We might be able to advise on how to react to emotions, but in and of them selves, emotions are info/data.

It sounds like your MIL is setting up a pattern of emotional manipulation and dishonesty. These make her an unsafe person. It is a good idea to keep a distance from things/people that are unsafe.

There are boundaries between all people. They are part of the natural social contract that exist between people. They tell us "I end here" and " you start there". Your MIL stomped on those boundaries. It may be time to make them more explicit and more firm.

If you haven't already, I would recommend reading "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud. It helped me a lot. It has some good stuff to say about boundary stomping mamas.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310247454/ref=cmswrcpapi_W9clBbYVG9R3W

Best of luck!

How can I stop saying "yes" all the time? [R]

1 year, 4 months agosaved_son posted submission on TrueChristian.
June 6, 2018

Christ wants us to be like him. Always loving and always forgiving. I'm tired of saying "Yes" to people and helping people just for them to stop communicating and pop back in when they're ready. I'm tired of wasting my time trying to help folk when all they want to do is talk and never execute any plans of actions.

How do you remain to be Christ-like by settings boundaries and telling people "no"? How does one be a savage for the lord? What's the fine line between being nice and being too nice when it comes to Christ?

1 year, 4 months agosaved_son posted comment on TrueChristian.
June 8, 2018

Check out this article - that guy wrote this book as well which is excellent ! It is exactly about what you are asking about in a Christian context.

Learn to be fake or become an outcast [R]

1 year, 4 months agosnwborder52 posted submission on Psychonaut.
June 4, 2018

Whoever said 'the truth will set you free' is a fucking dumbass. I realized at a very young age that people are fucking stupid. I would hear people say what to do or how to live, and then I would watch them go do the opposite. I've gone through several reddit accounts because I keep getting shadow banned, because I speak truth, and people think I am trolling. I've learned that human beings value themselves above anything else, and they will go to great lengths to protect their own self-image, even if that means lying to themselves. I've learned that people will act against their own beliefs and values if doing so is in their best interest. I am guilty of these faults too. I sometimes obey social norms and lie to people because I know if I speak the truth, I will end up jobless, broke, homeless and alone. There is no cure for this, there is no solution. It's the human condition. Because we are so smart, we are capable of building up these lies, these false images of our reality, and we lie to ourselves. A lot of you are guilty of this. In fact, I believe most of this sub is bullshit. People come on here and they are like 'Dude! I did some mushrooms and now I don't fear death, you should learn to not fear death too!' Fuck you. You fear death as much as I do. If you didn't you would be dead already. Everyone fears death, it's what makes us alive. Other people are like 'just be happy dude and don't be sad!' Fuck you. You can't have happiness without sadness. How can you tell me to not be sad? Like that's a fucking choice I consciously make. So I say these things and people downvote me and I get shady banned and I become an outcast. If you want some real advice, go enjoy your drugs on the weekend, but on Monday, be fake.

1 year, 4 months agosnwborder52 posted comment on Psychonaut.
June 5, 2018

You have shitty boundaries and aren't taking responsibility for your own consciousness. You don't have to deal with other people's bullshit. You are choosing to deal with it. Read This.

And. Law of attraction. There are lots of loving, conscious, awakened people out there. But they are all doing the work, so to speak. If you want to find them, you have to do the work yourself.

Does money lead to dysfunctional families? [R]

1 year, 5 months ago0yeah posted submission on family.
May 19, 2018

Hello,

I'm a 28 years old guy, who lately got a really good job at a really good company, I am not rich, but I'm in a way better economic situation than most of my family members.

When I was younger none ever expected anything from me, I was not very good at school because I was really lazy, and I never was the type that always got good grades and I was always been bullied and made fun of, after been in really bad situations and been really really poor to the point of not having 2 dollars to buy medicine I sort of "woke up" and started paying attention in university, finished university, got a job and after a few jobs I finally got to a point that I can live by myself.

I have a good big apartment rented, I work remotely, have a car and have 0 debt and good savings, and if a lose my job companies would fight for me based on my experience and knowledge, have a good side projects going, so things are going well so far.

I help my mom financially when I see her, I give her some money now and then, but she can't have 1 cent in her pocket without spending it, if she has money she HAS to spend it, if she can take a loan to buy any unnecessary thing she HAS to take it, my grandma is like that and my uncle is like that too.

It seems like they have this unhealthy addiction to debt and has led them to a neverending path of debt, the problem is not how much they make, the problem is how they spend it, they can consciously understand that but unconsciously not, they keep doing over and over, they have done that their whole lifes.

Me on the other side ever since I was a little kid I liked saving money and understood perfectly what long time gratification was, ever since I was a little kid I preferred saving money to get something later and not spending it all at once, I'm not sure if I'm hardwired to function this way or what, but I have always been like this.

The Problem:

Now that I have money and they don't, they seem to treat me way different than how they did before, now they "respect" me and if they know that I got money they start acting nicer than before, this shady attitude and this sudden change of behavior towards me is starting to worry me because it seems like all the think about is money.

  • One day my mom was almost crying while talking to me saying something "alright you're going to get rich and have a really good life while we're fucked".

  • My uncle asked for a $1000 loan from me and haven't paid back.

  • My grandma asked me for 400 dollars and haven't paid back.

  • Everytime they have a money problem they just ask for money, but they keep spending a lot of money on ciggarrettes and alcohol.

  • They keep taking loans that they know they can't pay.

  • My uncle sometimes get big projects (I'm talking about more than 1 millon dollars projects), but instead of using it to pay his debt he just uses it to take more loans and create a bigger disaster to the point that sometimes he even needs 5 dollars.

I don't know what to do anymore, I have tried talking to them and explaining that the way they're managing things is wrong and the problem is not how much they make but how they spend it and it seems like they are not capable of understanding this in a subconcious level, they just understand it on the shallow side of it but they don't get the idea.

What is your advice on this?

1 year, 4 months ago0yeah posted comment on family.
May 22, 2018

Money doesn't create dysfunction. Your family was already dysfunctional. The money stuff is just another arena for the dysfunction to play out.

This is worth talking about with a therapist. Or at least take a read through this book: https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454

I need some clarity/advice. [R]

1 year, 5 months agothemamahomie posted submission on self.
May 11, 2018

No idea if this is the right subreddit. Please tell me if there’s a better one.

On mobile, and this is a throwaway for safety reasons.

So I’m 19, female, and from a middle class Christian family. Everything I want or need is paid for, even my college and a car. My parents are together, I have amazing friends, and life looks great.

Except it’s not. I’m depressed and spend a lot of time feeling hopeless and trapped.

I grew up alone. I never went out with friends, except on rare occasion. This was because I’m a shy and sensitive and never grew out of it. None of my family shares these traits, so I’ve been the odd one out. My father has anger issues and is a stuck-in-his-ways conservative with no empathy. My sister and I didn’t get close until a couple years ago, and my brother is pretty spoiled. My mother, however, grew a stone heart from living with my father, and has a controlling personality.

Neither of my parents believe in mental disorders like depression, ADD, ADHD, etc.

I lost my best friend and cousin to a car accident when I was in 5th grade. I’m pretty sure this sparked the downward spiral, as after 5th all I can remember is being told what I want doesn’t matter, crying an awful lot, and some select phrases that stuck with me. Most of my memories are suppressed, but those words cut deep enough. I was never physically hurt, though.

Now I’m an adult, but I still feel like a child when around my mother, and she treats me like one. Talks down to me, micromanages me, and won’t listen when I talk, especially if we’re doing something. Move-out day was especially bad. She wants me to bow down in gratitude for every little thing, and it’s especially bad when she gives things I don’t want, and I politely refuse them while asking her to not do it again. She’ll give me a lecture on how I’m not grateful enough and how she never had it this good as a child, and she’ll do it again.

I don’t ask for much, ask for permission to buy things, don’t spend much, and keep my grades up. I’m really independent, but she still doesn’t trust my decisions (not claiming to know everything but there’s a point where I need to be left to make my own decisions without her interference). She also wants me to give up video games and break up with my boyfriend (who is an active service member, and he genuinely makes me happy). He’s coming down on leave at the end of this month, and she currently isn’t going to let me be alone with him (he’s 20 as of now, but will be 21 when he’s down. Not planning on drinking for personal reasons). We’ve been dating for 5 months.

I don’t know how to deal with her, or keep my emotions in check when talking/arguing with her. I cry easy, and when they start to fall she tells me it’s nothing worth crying over. I know this turned into kind of a rant, but I need to know if I’m being too sensitive (because I’m taken care of financially and don’t have anything to worry about) or if I should stand up to her. My only concern is I have nowhere to go nor any way to support myself, since I’m working on getting a job and just finished freshman year of college, if she pulls the rug out from under me.

So yea.. please give me honesty opinions and help.

1 year, 5 months agothemamahomie posted comment on self.
May 12, 2018

I would echo the counseling recommendation and also suggest reading the book Boundaires by Cloud and Townsend. It is a REALLY hard thing to do - to set boundaries on your parents. Sometimes it feels infuriating that you, the child, have to be more wise and thoughtful than your parents. But it really will help in establishing a more healthy relationship. Best of luck!

i've turned into a jealous boyfriend because of my anxieties and need some advice that can help me overcome this. [R]

1 year, 6 months agotheturtlepear posted submission on Anxietyhelp.
April 18, 2018

i've been driving the love of my life up a wall with my feelings of jealousy. I am aware that they are toxic to a relationship and want to be better for myself, for her and I both so we can continue to grow and thrive as a strong couple. I don't consider my self a controlling person but as of lately I have had extreme panic and anxiety due to me convincing myself that my girlfriend is in a stronger emotional relationship with a guy friend she has that lives in another country. Im not worried shes gonna run away with him, my emotions and thoughts drive me to a point where i make her a villain and that her feeling for me are fickle (emotion infidelity?). There are so many fantastic things about this women that make want to spend my life with her. I need some help/advice so i am no longer the kryptonite in this relationship.

1 year, 6 months agotheturtlepear posted comment on Anxietyhelp.
April 18, 2018

Also READ THIS BOOK. https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454

It will change your life. Hell, pm me your address and I'll send you a copy

i've turned into a jealous boyfriend because of my anxieties and need some advice that can help me overcome this. [R]

1 year, 6 months agotheturtlepear posted submission on Anxietyhelp.
April 18, 2018

i've been driving the love of my life up a wall with my feelings of jealousy. I am aware that they are toxic to a relationship and want to be better for myself, for her and I both so we can continue to grow and thrive as a strong couple. I don't consider my self a controlling person but as of lately I have had extreme panic and anxiety due to me convincing myself that my girlfriend is in a stronger emotional relationship with a guy friend she has that lives in another country. Im not worried shes gonna run away with him, my emotions and thoughts drive me to a point where i make her a villain and that her feeling for me are fickle (emotion infidelity?). There are so many fantastic things about this women that make want to spend my life with her. I need some help/advice so i am no longer the kryptonite in this relationship.

1 year, 6 months agotheturtlepear posted comment on Anxietyhelp.
April 18, 2018

Love and respect are what relationships are built on. Love means sacrificing your needs and wants for hers. Sounds like you think she's great (respect) and that's a good start but you have to let her be herself and have friends and relationships other than with you.

That said, there are a few different things you can do. First be honest with her about how you are feeling. And don't be angryjust be honest that her hanging out with this guy gives you anxiety. Ask her if she would be willing to set some boundaries with this person like not meeting one on one or inviting you to hang out with the two of them so you can get to know him and get more comfortable with the two of them being friends. One question though, is this guy an ex-boyfriend? In my opinion, if he's an ex it's fair to just ask her to stop talking to him altogether. But regardless, don't freak out, just gather more information and calmly ask your SO to set some boundaries.

edit: also, read the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud it is amazing and it will change your life and relationships for the better. https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454

Buggy Bertha and Her Horrific Lifestyle Introduction [R]

1 year, 7 months agoFifthTigerofAsia posted submission on JUSTNOMIL.
March 10, 2018

This is incredibly long, I sincerely apologize. I will also add a: TW: Lots of pests and vermin involved in this story.

Hi There!

I’m a long time lurker, but haven’t had the courage to post about my own “MIL” struggles. Not until today at least.

So, like all of you lovely folks, I have an “FMIL” that’s a piece of work.... we will call her ”Buggy Bertha.”

Buggy Bertha is different from other JNMIL’s, she is nice when she isn’t being ridiculous. She’s not malicious or conniving for the most part.

Background Info:

My parents are rather abusive, and I have a “mental disability” that makes holding down a consistent job extremely difficult - but I do try to contribute as best as I can.

My bio folks’ house got so bad, DFH insisted I live with him and his folks until we can get our own place.

Unfortunately, minimum cost of an apartment is $1300/month.

So... we have been living with his parents, who were gracious enough to take me into their home, which is why I feel terribly guilty posting this, but idk where else to go.

Here is where my troubles with “Buggy Bertha” begin:

Their lifestyle is hazardous.

Buggy Bertha has some issues - particularly with animals. She collects animals, and will briefly properly care for them until they stop being “shiny and new,” and then they fall into neglect, and a new pet takes its place.

  • ▪️There’s a beautiful striped pit bull in the backyard, I will call him “Stripes.” He stays in the backyard, even when the weather is bad, insisting that a blanket tied around his back is sufficient enough.

  • ▪️Then we have Alex the Parrot. Who is screamed at for squawking, and is left in a dark cage with very few toys until I pitch a fit to FDH to do something about it.

  • ▪️We have three neglected fish tanks (FDH and I do the work here)

There is more, but I’d be writing a novel at that point.

Side Note:If you are wondering why I haven’t called animal control, I am not in a position to do so. I’d be homeless, and my folks wouldn’t take me back.

That being said, we aren’t just standing around. DFH and I have been quietly looking for homes for these animals, and ways to remove them from the house without being found out.

But, this isn’t how Buggy Bertha got her name

Buggy Bertha got her name because of the way she maintains her home.

We have bugs. Everywhere.

German cockroaches, to be exact. They are everywhere - especially in the kitchen.

We also have rats.

If you go in the backyard at night, you can see them crawling up the trees and along the fence, into the house.

Then there are the raccoons in the attic.

You can hear them doing god knows what in the ceiling.

And to make it all worse, the house is falling apart.

  • ▪️There are holes and cracks in the walls and the ceiling is literally collapsing in some places.

  • ▪️We have actually had two raccoons legit fall through the ceiling into the kitchen, and a guest bedroom.

-▪️These holes have been patched up with random boards of plywood.

  • ▪️They don’t have a washing machine, so washing bug infested bedding becomes more difficult, as we have to haul EVERYTHING over to a laundromat... only for it to get infested again.

They have done half-assed extermination methods for the vermin and pests, but they’re always “so hard to rid of.”

They refuse to call an exterminator, or fix the house.

Why do they refuse to fix the house, get a new ceiling in, and call an exterminator, you ask?

“Because it’s just too expensive!

Buggy Bertha says after she brings home:

  • ▪️Not one, but TWO Alexa’s from Amazon

  • ▪️A fancy new “security camera” and a gaming console from Amazon

  • ▪️Money for a giant tortoise (we managed to put a stop to it before we had another neglected animal).

  • ▪️A plan to take a trip to the Grand Canyon.

  • ▪️Fancy rose bushes to put in the yard of the home they allegedly can’t fix but can make pretty!

”Too expensive” my ass.

DFH and I have tried to manage this problem, but it’s not our house, and they refuse to meet us halfway.

  • ▪️We have offered to help with the costs for house maintenance. They refused.

  • ▪️We do try to do heavy maintenance on our room. It’s somewhat worked - we have the cleanest room in the house.

-▪️We clean what we can, but the house conditions are too hazardous. We need a legit handy person. They refuse.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel terrible bitching about her, because she can be such a nice person, she really can be.

But this is fucking ridiculous, and I can’t just keep bottling this up to myself.

So that’s my “JNMIL.”

Thanks for listening.

TLDR: FMIL hoards animals and refuses to take care of her house making it a health hazard and refuses to accept help for it.

1 year, 7 months agoFifthTigerofAsia posted comment on JUSTNOMIL.
March 15, 2018

Wish you the best in your situation!
I've heard a guy named Dave Ramsey recommend the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud a LOT to people dealing with these types of family issues. You/FDH may be interested to read it?
https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454
https://www.cloudtownsend.com/what-do-you-mean-boundaries-by-dr-henry-cloud-and-dr-john-townsend/

College student at Berkeley, my father committed suicide, my mother is an addict & financially illiterate. [R]

1 year, 8 months agol_-___-_l posted submission on personalfinance.
Jan. 29, 2018

I am simply ready to give up. This story is incredibly fucked and I could write five pages, but I will keep it to the bare minimum I can.

My dad committed suicide in 2010 and the impact on my family has been devastating. He thought he was doing it to help us (he had set up a $5 million insurance policy) but having become so entrapped in a pit of drugs and delirium, he defaulted on his payment for three months before he took his own life. We received zero payout.

My brother began heavily abusing alcohol and drugs for three years, lying and stealing from my mom. He stole nearly $20,000 and totaled two cars. Finally (thank god) he became sober after an out of state rehab treatment that cost our family over $100,000 in savings. He has now been in AA for almost five years, he nearly has his five-year sobriety chip, and is a pre-med cognitive science major at UC Berkeley. I love him and am incredibly proud of him.

That brings us to me. I have endured this all and helped to the best of my ability. I applied to six jobs at age 14, worked my ass off in high school, and managed to get accepted to UC Berkeley as well. In all of high school, I paid her phone bill, car insurance, and $300 of rent every single month for over three years. This meant I was working 2 jobs seven days a week. I am now a business major at UC Berkeley. My future is looking exciting, but my present is absolutely intolerable. She calls me weekly asking for more money. I cannot afford anything, but I also cannot afford to lose my relationship with her. She is still my mom and I am still her son, I will ALWAYS do ANYTHING I can to help. But this becomes a fault when I start putting her needs above mine. I now have -$6.00 in my account. My grandpa gives me $500/month and that barely covers food and school supplies. My grandpa has not been speaking to my mom as she only calls him to ask for money.

On top of all this, I am in a fraternity and currently hold the DELETED position. I am a part of the DELETED (lame but I need to as DELETED), and am also playing intramural soccer and volleyball. I have agreed to be DELETED for DELETED

Neither of us knows what to do. I even tried to apply for food stamps and couldn't get a hold of my mom's tax records to do so as she couldn't find them. Nothing is working out and I feel like if I don't get some income or support soon, I may have to drop out of school and find a job. I love Berkeley and it would be sad to do that, but I need to help my mom.

Any/all advice is welcomed and incredibly appreciated.

Thank you.

EDIT: I have received so many kind PM's. I really have not felt more capable of inciting change at any point in this last year than I do right now. Thank you everyone for the support and for being involved in a great community.

1 year, 8 months agol_-___-_l posted comment on personalfinance.
Jan. 29, 2018

As many have emphasized, I would seek out counseling from your school. You need to built a support system for yourself to help you navigate your situation and to start detach your own happiness/well being/self esteem from your mothers. This is not an easy process and you can't go it alone, you will need help along the way.

I would pick up a book from your library on boundary setting. Its a hard truth to come to, but if you are enabling another person in the long run you are ultimately shielding them from the consequences of their own actions, which means they will never learn to deal with them. I found this book useful (it does have a bit of a christian bent to it, but I ignored that part): https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454

Once you learn to set boundaries, that does not mean you have to cut your mother out of your life or not help her in any way, but it does mean you need to set clear limits on what you will and won't do and you need to prioritize your own health, happiness, and financial well being first. I would make having her seek out therapy and/or help from a financial consultant a hard requirement to you offering any kind of help. If she isn't willing to invest in fixing her own problems, why should you?

Congrats on your academic success and your success as a campus marketer! Learning to be able to drive sign ups, sales, etc. is most valuable skills in the business world and you are off to a great start. I would reach out to professors and alumni to see if they can help you find internships to build your experience and teach you more about how to achieve success in out outside world, not just the academic world. Finding mentors to help you grow is critical to your own personal and professional success!

I want to be a good Christian; forgiving and empathic, yet I keep being taken advantage of and I'm becoming very bitter over it [R]

1 year, 9 months agoSpicaGenovese posted submission on Christianity.
Dec. 30, 2017

I feel like I'm just too naeive, too trusting.. but I'm bitter that thats somehow shown to be a weakness for me that people are aware of and keep exploiting.

How can I be a Christian but turn people away that have helped me often but also betrayed me by stealing, from my door when they are coming along?

And these people are friends with other friends who haven't stolen from me, so turning away one is turning away all.

Do I let them in but close my heart to them so I can be cautious? Do I not let them in anymore, making them my enemy because they would take it as insult?

Do I just not let any of that circle of friends in my house and heart anymore? That seems unchristian like

How do I get these people out of my life while following Christ' teachings?

I'm confused and angry and I would appreciate some sage advice

How to stop giving a fuck about people [R]

1 year, 11 months agowhat_34 posted submission on Advice.
Nov. 15, 2017

I'm 19M.

So so far I have changed my life around, I eat incredibly well, sleep well and exercise hard.

Never felt more active, and depression and anxiety is no longer a problem.

However, I am still fighting insecurities.

I cannot not give a fuck about people, especially to those who don't accept me or treat me condescendingly

Today in class, I received a fucking pat on the back by a respectable-smart classmate after he finished the exercise before me and left the room.

"Best of luck", he said

I don't want to react AT ALL.

But I turned very slowly, faced him and said kinda acting surprised by his remark "Thanks... haha"

Again I don't want to react, I want to be proactive

What am I lacking?

1 year, 11 months agowhat_34 posted comment on Advice.
Nov. 15, 2017

Like someone said, you are incredibly self aware and mature in many ways it seems.

I'm 32 and people my age and older are not as self aware as you are... they are the most difficult people to try to assist and also I think it will be a much tougher road to self-improvement for them. The road will be tougher because they can't even read their own minds, spirits, bodies... they can't read the signs that are coming from.. themselves... they're at a great disadvantage.

Feel confident that you care and have goals.

Feel confident that you are MANY steps ahead of others and are going places.

Keep getting your hands on self help books/podcasts in certain topics of your choice and continue on the road to self improvement.

Find people/friends/mentors in your life who appreciate YOU for YOU. Who are better than you, too, so you can grow. We literally become like the people we surround ourselves, in time. The pathways in our brain form similar paths to the people we are with. Find people who make you want to be better and who want to see you achieve.

I stopped caring about what people thought when I realized that I'm a bit more put together than many.

I stopped caring when I realized that I try my best and there is nothing more than that, that I can really do.

Learning about "Boundaries" has really helped me.

I can only control MY actions, I can't control other people's actions...

Example:If someone says something to me that rubs me wrong, the best way to manage that moment is to let it go/forgive them/carry it no-longer with me. Because, why would I? I was doing my best in the moment and that's all I can do. When I make a mistake, I can say I'm sorry, learn from it, and do better next time.

I hope this helps!

Sister with BPD [R]

2 years, 1 month agoSept. 15, 2017

[deleted]

2 years, 1 month agoWrittenByNick posted on BPDlovedones.
Sept. 15, 2017

It does seem like a big deal, and you're right to feel exhausted.

So here's my advice - you have to find a way to stop giving a shit.

I know that sounds facile and a bit like an asshole, but its the truth. Your sister is a grown adult who is being shielded from the consequences of her actions on a regular basis. I understand that everyone wants to help - your mom, you, the driving, the medical card, the tuxedo.

It sounds to me like you were raised in a family not unlike my own. I've come to realize recently, through therapy and a lot of introspection, that I internalized the idea that love = taking care of someone. And while that's not untrue, it puts you in the position you're in now. Protecting your sister from her choices, instead of letting it be her own problem. And I get it too, you know the fallout from not helping, when she really screws something up and ends up in a bad spot. I've also been on the receiving end of it too, and realize how it has affected me.

I often recommend people on here to read the book Boundaries. It has a religious slant, but even if that's not your thing it is very useful.

You cannot change your sister (or your mother, for that matter). But what you can change is how you let it all affect you.

I need help - SO might have BPD? [R]

2 years, 1 month agoWrittenByNick posted submission on BPDlovedones.
Sept. 15, 2017

So let me start by saying I've never felt abused or mistreated by my girlfriend. We've been dating for almost 2 years now and she's very sweet and caring torwards me for the most part. We've had or discussings as one does, but nothing I would consider too serious.

What has been bugging me for a long time is not our relationship but the relationships my girlfriend has with others, be it friends, family, co-workers, etc. Every since we've known each other she has always confided in me, told me about the latest drama in her life, conflicts with others, people being assholes and so on. I'm a pretty laidback guy myself so it always surprised me how does one person suffer through so much dramatic shit in their daily life, I found this a little odd but hey, maybe these people she complains about really are assholes and she has to deal with this shit every day so the complaining is justified - I always gave her the benefit of the doubt.

As time went on it started being a bit too much. She fights with her own mother over petty shit, barely speaks to her father or brother and constantly bad-mouths them, even when she really has no point in doing so. When we met she was unemployed, and a few months in she found a new job. It didn't take more than 2 weeks until she started saying how she was going to resign, because people there were petty and didn't like her, and the job was too stressful, and people reprimanded her, etc. Then one day out of the blue she just did it. I went to pick her up from what was seemingly just another regular day and she just says that she quit and isn't coming to work anymore, just like that, didn't even allow herself time to think about the decision or cool off, just straight up quit. I having gone through the last few weeks hearing about how awful of a place that is (I do believe that) just assumed that job just wasn't worth it. About 1 month later she goes back to the SAME place, because somehow this time it will be different since there's a new manager and they somehow accept her back, only for her to quit 1 month later (surprise, surprise).

Cue another month or so of unemployment, she gets a proposal to work as a waitress in a restaurant near home. She accepts it and the first week or so is great. Then the complaining starts again. First it's some meaningless crap. But then it starts to be everyday. Every damn day something happens that pisses her off, sometimes it's the boss, other times it's co-workers. It seems nobody at that workplace can tell her to do anything, or give any tips on how to do things properly (you know, she's new there, it's only normal she scews up and others have to point it out - part of the learning experience I guess), because she just takes it as them putting her down or implying she's incompetent. She's convinced herself that nobody likes her in that place, and that they want her gone. Besides me saying that if they really wanted her gone, she'd be gone, it's not like it would be expensive to replace her, and if they didn't like her they wouldn't have accepted her. But me saying this is like talking to a brick wall.

There are other oddities. Sometimes she comes home pissed about some shit someone said to her at work, I ask what happened and it turns out it was just some meaningless comment. Almost like it was made jokingly or sarcasticly, but she didn't get it? It ruined her's and everyone elses day? The worst part is that I only ever hear about this stuff from her side of the story, it's not like I'm personally there to know wether or not people are mean or judgemental and make her work-life miserable, so I feel like I can't judge, but at the same time it feels like she's the problem you know? What are the odds that all these people are the problem and not her?

I really don't know what to do. This is taking a toll on me, I can't even get peace of mind anymore. Every day theres some new shitstorm happening that I have to suffer through. On rare occasions she comes home happy and I'm thinking hey maybe things will get better, only to get a angry text from her in the next day during work saying how she's totally gonna quit this time for real, because reasons I can't even comprehend anymore.

To make matters worse she's been wanting to get things more serious lately, talked about us living together, even though we didn't discuss it seriously yet she's already hinted at it. How the fuck am I supposed to live with a person that is this unstable all the time? That seemingly can't hold a job for more than 3 months? That always has to have some problem on her live, something to be mad about, someone pestering her?

I love her, I really do, for many reasons I won't get into, and she's the sweetest person but sometimes it's like a switch goes off in her head and I don't know what should I do. I feel terrible even considering breaking things off with her, if she has issues to sort out, I feel like I would be abandoning someone I love rather than sticking up together through some tough times you know? I want to be on her side, I want to help her and I just know I would feel so guilty leaving her like this.

Sorry about the rant, I just needed to get this out

2 years, 1 month agoWrittenByNick posted on BPDlovedones.
Sept. 15, 2017

I would agree with what you wrote here, with one distinction. You can't change her or the way she looks at the world - what you can change is how you let it affect you.

I often recommend people on here to read the book Boundaries. It has a religious slant, but even if that's not your thing it is very useful. Standing up for yourself doesn't mean you change who she is, but instead of how you deal with that when she does. Your boundary could be that you will not be her therapist when she's dealing with stress from work. You could be supportive and understanding, without letting it all get you down. You could say "I know you've had a rough day. How about 10 minutes to vent and let it out, and then I'd like for us to take a nice walk."

Now, if I'm being realistic? You're going to have to decide what you put up with in your life. Boundaries allow you to set those guidelines of what is and isn't acceptable to you. That doesn't make you a bad person, nor does it make her one either. But if her stress continues to bleed over and cause you to be unhappy in the relationship, then a change needs to happen. And that change may very well be not being with her anymore, but I'm not saying step one is to dump her right now. You know better than any of us what you're facing, and I will advise you to not pour the rest of your life into something that isn't working for you.

Suggestions for a threatening a person w uBPD [R]

2 years, 1 month agoWrittenByNick posted submission on BPDlovedones.
Sept. 13, 2017

I was casually dating a person for maybe 2-3 months who I am starting to realize has uBPD. I met him online after a recent "break" with an ex. He has abandonment problems that he owns up to--and talks about frequent self image problems, rejection from family, having never been in a relationship. It was fine and fun at first- we had only been on 2-3 dates before I saw some red flags, like when he got really angry that I was on a dating app still even though we didn't discuss exclusivity. He then freaked out when I was having a drink with a female coworker, thinking I was out with a man. But the two times I've tried to break up, I've been faced with threats --either sending personal/explicit photos that we've shared (to whom, Im not sure) --sidenote: don't send nude photos of yourself or non-specific threats ("you'll see what I'll do"). They haven't been violent, and he always apologizes profusely and says "he has never harmed anyone or would ever do that". He has a way of twisting my wanting to leave him to be my fault- calling me crazy or manipulative. The problem is I have OCD and anxiety, so these two worlds are colliding and I have no idea what to do. He doesn't know where I live, but he does know where I work. When we met, I was in a really dark place with my anxiety and he seemed like a good spell out of it.

I had a NC rule for a bit for 2 weeks while he was away to give some breathing room. He respected it actually, but when he returned, he continues to apologize for prior transgression, and I've continuously stated that I'm not looking for something serious.

We've only hung out about 3 times - but we were texting a lot when we first met- so I'm not sure I understand his infatuation, but I'm constantly on edge now. We grabbed a drink Monday to catch up--I couldn't break off the date because he would've called me a liar for going NC and then refusing to talk to him. What do I do now? I'm planning a grey rock type removal, but I'm so unsure of what would be the best approach to this.

It's a shame, because he's a nice, charming guy outside everything else, and he deserves love. To complicate things, a prior ex of mine and I began chatting again--which I am trying to keep out of the conversation out of concern that "X" will then go after him. This experience with a person wBPD has made me better understand my own actions in prior relationships interestingly.

Anyway, I'm at a crossroads. Any suggestions? He keeps saying he understands I don't want anything serious, but that we're having fun, and should just continue to have fun. He did say he is dating other people now, though I have no proof. I'm scared for what could come next.

2 years, 1 month agoWrittenByNick posted on BPDlovedones.
Sept. 14, 2017

In my opinion, there is a certain element of giving up the idea that you can control what he will do. That's a big part of understanding boundaries (Part of the reason I recommend the book Boundaries - it has a religious viewpoint I wasn't expecting, but even if that isn't your thing the lessons are valuable).

The advice from /u/anjie_bee above is a good plan in general. The boring / barely responding method gives you a little bit of a slow fade that lessens the risk of him going on the attack. The next few times he messages you, don't respond immediately either. Give it 10-15 minutes, then out to half an hour, then an hour. Don't schedule any dates or meet with him in any way. Come up with boring excuses to get out of plans he wants to make.

The reality is if he's not getting the attention he wants from you, he will either lash out like the pictures threat, or move on to someone else. The Al-anon motto applies here: "I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it."

The upside: his threats will likely be empty. Steps you can take if he does try something like the pictures - don't shy away from being honest about him and his actions. If by some small chance he does send those pictures to your work or someone you know, then be up front. "I dated this guy for a short period, and obviously I ignored some red flags early on. I ended it, and he responded by threatening me with those pictures. I appreciate your understanding, and I'm just moving forward."

Longer term, there are a few things that have helped me grow personally in this journey.

  1. Taking care of yourself mentally and physically. A couple of years before ending the relationship, I started paying attention to nutrition and then later a dedicated exercise routine. This resulted in losing weight and generally feeling better inside and out.
  2. Therapy, yay! Talking to a professional can really help you understand the thought processes that influence the choices you make. External perspective is very helpful too, my therapist asked the questions that made me understand how much energy, time, and emotion I was putting into changing someone else who had shown no signs of changing for years.
  3. Meditation. Can't recommend this highly enough. I've gone the mindfulness route, without the spiritual aspect, and it has made a huge difference in my ability to remain calm in the face of stress, to be more aware of my body, mind, thoughts, and emotions.

Final thought, one that I shared on here recently that struck a chord with me. Happiness is not a place, it is a compass. What will bring you happiness is each day making choices that bring you closer to your goals - what you truly want for yourself personally, in work, romantically.

2 years, 1 month agobilliarddaddy posted submission on whatisthisthing.
Sept. 12, 2017
2 years, 1 month agobilliarddaddy posted on whatisthisthing.
Sept. 13, 2017

I can't offer any advice - only empathy.

My oldest son recently graduated - barely.

He got into a crowd that did a lot of drugs. He started smoking a lot more weed and the harder stuff came.

He'd been stealing for years but we never noticed it.

After some domestic violence issues we told him he had a week after he turned 18 to find another place to live.

He's now living with my exwife - his mother. I was hoping that getting away from some of his more influential friends would help derail a few things but he seems determined to continue in that direction despite his future being in jeopardy.

I have no solution for you. No solace.

This book gave me a whole new perspective on my role in his life.

Good luck.

Strangers call me [19F] beautiful, but they don't know I have 0 friends. [R]

2 years, 1 month ago[deleted] posted submission on lonely.
Sept. 1, 2017

Throwaway because my my main account is public... and this is embarrassing to admit.

So my mother just yelled at me this evening because she was so frustrated I'd rather be at home than outside. Whenever I do go outside it's for cc classes, food, or appointments. When I'm preparing myself to go outside, I put on the best appearance as possible. Nice clothes, makeup, hair, scent... you'd think I'd be going to a photo shoot but nope... just attending my biology class. I would get cat called by strangers on the sidewalk but that's pretty much what my romantic life adds up to. In class, I'm unable to hold conversations with my classmates if it's not about the subject at hand. Like the other day this classmate of mine said "Heya. Pretty glum outside huh?" And all I could say was "Yeah." I know he tried to revive the conversation from there and I wanted him to because I know what I did but I couldn't stop providing short worded answers or just nodding my head. Literally I knew what I was doing and I didn't want to do it but I couldn't stop. Ugh stupid brain. Anyway After a few minutes of that he seemed pretty disinterested lol.

Another example is when I was walking to the elevator after a club meeting and a really cute guy from the club was walking in the same direction. He smiled and said "Hey you're the girl that said she met Kit Harrington, right?" I was in a rush so I didn't fully heed the question until later on but I mumbled "yeah." Then this where you'll lose faith in me guys, I actually fucking said "Why is the elevator taking so long?" And I was about to walk away from him and head toward the stairwell then it opened. From that point I registered what I had did wrong in that situation so I tried to patch things up. we ended up conversing a little like "where are you from. What's your name etc." I could tell he seemed disinterested after a couple of secs on there. I felt pretty uncomfortable for a few until several other members rushed down the hallway to catch the elevator we were on. Needless to say I'm glad for the extra people between me and him because I felt like I irritated him? Oh well.

I swear on my life I'm not snobby, but it feels like people think I AM? is that why I have such a hard time making friends. I long for authentic friends. Friends I can confide in and tell everything. But the support system is just not there ugh. That's why my mom is so frustrated. She'd rather me be going out to the movies or shopping with a group of "girlfriends" bc that's what she did when she was younger. She stressed that having a social clique is normal. Keep in mind this woman was the most popular in her highschool back in her day. Literally every guy wanted to date her and she had friends at her freaking feet. It's her fucking luck she ends up with a friendless unpopular daughter.

So this evening I tried to cry myself to sleep after what my mom said to me, but I couldn't. It didn't feel good to bottle up these feelings and just go to bed. I'm literally planning so much to put myself out there guys, but it's not moving fast enough for my mom. I signed up to tutor kids, volunteer, work studies, clubs... I'm really trying so hard because I know it's not going to get easier from here.

I'm praying that it'll be different when I go to a four year university.

2 years, 1 month ago[deleted] posted on lonely.
Sept. 1, 2017

Innup,

Feels like you could use some time to learn about yourself. Who are you? What do you enjoy? Sounds like you are going to overcommit in the near future (learning + tutoring + volunteering + working + clubs), but are they things you or your mother think you need to do, or things that you truly want to do? Do you feel socially awkward because you're always thinking "I have to make this potential friendship work or I'll never be what my mother wants?"

Did you ever take an Meyers Briggs inventory? It sounds like you have some social anxiety or are a true introvert. If you're uncomfortable in the school environs, do you ever hang out in a quiet coffee shop? Bookstore? Library? Any other places you might be comfortable?

Try this - https://www.16personalities.com/

The question for you to not try to solve is: why does your mother really really want you out there? What emotional desire or need of hers is being fulfilled by your popularity? She's ignoring your own emotional needs in favor of hers.

Setting boundaries with your mother may help the situation, in the long run. Try reading a book on boundaries (like, uhm...Boundaries...https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454/ref=sr11twipap_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1504284879&sr=8-1&keywords=boundaries) and read it.

2 years, 2 months agofrancis2559 posted submission on legaladvice.
Aug. 12, 2017

Backstory as I understand it:

My mom has a small farm in southeast Ohio. There are a few acres of plantable land, with wooded hills on the rest of it. The property and neighboring properties all go from the road back to the gas line land behind them (kind of like townhouses on a larger scale). The nextdoor neighbor is a good friend of the family so they are always staying in contact about issues that affect the other (crackheads burglers breaking into the garages, dangerous wildlife popping up on the neighbors trailcams, general farm issues, etc.).

Shortly after my dad died last fall, my neighbor informed my mom that some logger working for/with someone who lived on the other side of him (I don't remember whether it was his immediate neighbor or someone farther down) had gone through the woods out back of all their property marking prime trees for logging. Apparently the neighbor met whoever was prepping for logging and informed them that they were likely on his/our family's land and that they couldn't log there. This was secondhand knowledge from a while back, but I believe the story went that discussions with the person wanting the area logged resulted in them saying they believed the woods were on their property, but were unwilling to get the land surveyed because they didn't want to pay a bunch of money for a survey. I walked the back of the farm with the neighbor shortly after that happened and we found all the property line stakes, and there were trees marked for cutting far inside the boundaries. I don't recall too much about what happened, but the whole thing seemed to fizzle out.

Jump to today:

I got a call at work from my mom saying that she was working up near the woods on the back of the farm and discovered that they had been "pillaged" (her words) by logging.

She's getting the sheriff involved as far as I know, but I'm stuck at work for the next couple hourse trying to figure out anything I can to help with little information.

She is very averse to using legal action against anyone and may not inquire about all legal options available to her so I want to get as much knowledge, insight, etc. pulled together so she doesn't miss anything important.

If it was done by the people we were originally having trouble with last year then, as far as I know, much of the dispute was handled with in-person communication between neighbors. What sort of paper trail could I look for here, and what are some obvious and non-apparent things we should document and preserve here?

Are there any case studies for illegal logging that I should be aware of that I could read and learn anything useful from?

If you had a client with this sort of situation what third parties would you consult about it? There is a lot of state forestry/nature-preservation etc. in the area but her property isn't involved with that in any way, so would any forestry/nature organizations be worth talking to for any relevant information (especially with regards to illegal logging)? Who should I be talking to at the county/city level about making sure the property lines are legit and the incursion was illegal (should I be trying to get statements from them)?

What should our action plan be?

UPDATE #1: I finally got to meet up with my mom and talk about it and it's larger scale and more immediate than I thought. It's dark out so I haven't seen this yet myself (and don't want to go walking around and or possibly over the property line for legal reasons tonight), but apparently the person on the other side of our neighbor has brought loggers in to clear-cut his land. The loggers went clear across our neighbor's land and our currently cutting their way into our land with many more trees visibly marked for cutting on our land. I'm told there is a large and potentially valuable tree that naturally fell recently and that the shape of their work looks like they our cutting a path towards. Our neighbors are expecting loggers to be up there working their way deeper into our property TOMORROW MORNING. I'm going to walmart tonight and snatching up as many no-trespassing and similar signs as possible to plaster all over the trees near the property line. We have multiple surveys and GIS maps printed out that clearly show our property that the loggers and their client are claiming they have a right to cut and have already been cutting so my current plan is to use the signs to zone out their planned cut in the morning (with a conservative distance in from our property line to make sure I'm not encroaching with the signs myself) in case that gives us any more casus belli for legal action if they cross the posted area or "vandalize" the signs in any way.

My mother contacted the sheriffs and they said they will not even be sending someone to check out the scene of the crime. In my hurried googling of the subject today I've actually seen a lot of mentions of sheriffs blowing off illegal logging crimes on private property. What the actual fuck?!

What are the legal concerns for standing well inside our property line armed with our rifles tomorrow if they attempt further trespass and or bring in heavy equipment that we might impede by standing in front of? We want to do as much as we can to protect our land, but we are also determined to build the most airtight criminal and or civil case against them so we want to find the optimization point between doing everything we can to stop them from further destruction, theft, and trespass, but nothing that will prevent us from throwing every legal paper in the book at them.

semi-update: It turns out the neighbor gave my mom the phone number of the logger so I'm going to see what I can learn, but will try to avoid doxing them for the time being.

semi-update 2: Shitty MS Paint as per request. Some proportions and details changed a bit for the sake of protecting anonymity and totally not due to a lack of artistic talent.


UPDATE #2: Not sure where to start because there's so much new information today and it's still Saturday for me so I'm getting tired, but I'll try to get most of this out.

I finally got to see it in the daylight and we didn't lose as many trees as I initially thought, but they did take multiple large trees (one count was at least five 2'+ stumps among many other smaller trees), destroyed much of the land with a bulldozer stripping all the undergrowth (my mom loved a lot of the wild herbs that were growing there with names I don't remember, trillian or something), and (we think of great interest to the forestry department) they bulldozed straight across the gullies to make temporary logging roads blocking all drainage and piled up tree debris in other gullies blocking drainage there as well (a lot of it looks like it's one heavy rain away from damming up, breaking, and flash flooding the land below it). Our neighbor's land was completely trashed though. They basically dozed a large road straight the the center of his land to branch off of and the whole valley looks like godzilla and king kong went at it. He counted well over 15 of the largest stumps. There is probably around a quarter to half acre pile of 2'+ logs sitting on the far neighbor's land (the one who brought in the loggers). As we understand it most of the logs currently sitting on the far neighbor's land are from the last couple days and all or mostly from our properties as many of the stumps match up and two at the far end of the pile are the ones with specific markings that he was compensated for at the beginning of their incursion on his property (which is explained in more detail further down). Our neighbor has seen trucks hauling logs out before these so we think most of the far neighbor's logs have already been sold. We've been documenting them with photos and measurements as best we can (our closest neighbor had permission to be on his land).

I did get to meet the neighbor between us who got hit the hardest (also confirmed chill now so I'll probably have to update the MS Paint). We put up a lot of no trespassing signs on the logging areas around his land. We also erected a large sign in the middle of the logging road at the entry to his property informing the loggers of the Ohio Revised Code 901.51 violation and general cease and desist language. I learned from him that when they first started logging on his property they offered him compensation ($150) for the first two trees they cut and he accepted, but then he told them to stop and not cut any more on his land. He walked the land with the loggers and the neighbor who hired them a couple days ago and they basically lied to him about where the property lines were (told them that the logging neighbor's land went far over his land, and that his land was actually over on my mother's land). They marked the property lines together (IIRC those were still violating his actual property lines) and he told them not to cut on his land. It turns out they ignored him, continued logging on his land AND EVEN CUT PAST THE LINES THEY SAID WERE THE FAR SIDE OF HIS LAND INTO MY MOTHER'S LAND. So they basically said "No, we have all this. Your property is from over there to waaay over there" and then went all the way over and beyond those false boundaries anyway. Our neighbor does know and have names for most of the loggers and it turns out they're not an official logging outfit and generally sketchy dudes with a history of theft and even an outstanding warrant for one of them.

We finally got a junior deputy to come out and he just did some basic stuff to prep for passing it off to his superior and said there really isn't much they can do, kept claiming it's only a civil matter. Both my mom and our neighbor filed official reports though. They still won't actually do anything impactful though (especially with regards to preventing them from removing the lumber) and we're very concerned that nothing is stopping them from just getting out with the evidence and selling it. They only thing they've said they'll do is show up to arrest the guy with the outstanding warrant if we see him.

The logging neighbor is basically saying he doesn't know shit and has someone else managing the "project" for him. We think he brought in the loggers because he was desperate for cash as he has some local restaurant or bar that went bankrupt and because he owes people money. Dude seemingly DNGAF.

My brother's stepdad is an arborist and he came to do a simple unofficial walkthrough to give us advice. He checked the pile of logs and said that many of them were actually not the highest quality wood as far as lumber sales go (due to a lot of little conditions in each log he pointed out and looking at the actual boards you could get out of them) and that the value of them for lumber was absolutely nowhere near the value of them in their original state (both from a property value, principles value, and violation value). He also concluded from the way everything was cut and handled that the people doing it must have been practically retarded and said they just went through chopping everything without thinking. While walking around with him we found at least one standing tree that was cut mostly through on all sides and left upright where it was basically just waiting to fall over and kill someone at any minute.

We're getting the forestry department involved for whatever that will do.

We think the big breakthrough is one of the loggers offered the neighbor $150 (which he accepted) for the first couple trees they cut (he told them to stop after that though and they didn't), and he has the text conversation of that guy offering him money for his trees. He is also an eyewitness to that guy, his brother and a couple other guys doing the logging. So we can definitely tie at least that guy specifically to the logging. We also got pictures of the rented bulldozer sitting on our neighbor's land so I'm pretty sure they plan to subpoena that company's records to figure out who paid for it.

I'm getting a communal google drive together for all of us to compile our photos, videos, and any relevant documentation or information.

So much I'm spacing on and forgetting to mention and sleepy as hell, but OP will continue delivering.


Update #3: The far neighbor who hired the loggers just stopped by and flip flopped between trying to tell me that he wanted to make things right, that the logging wasn't even on our or our neighbor's property, and that he was already working with the forestry department so it's all okay (he said they were working with him to eradicate "invasive species" and were supportive of his operations, and that guy we contacted at the department is a good buddy of his so they likely won't do anything as they already have a plan worked out with them through 2018. I said it's highly unlikely that they support the destruction of the land that results in blocking natural drainage of rain runoff, especially on unrelated people's property. He said "Oh, we're going to fix that." I asked him why he thought he had access to and control of our and our neighbor's property to do that.). I told him that I didn't believe most of what he was saying was correct and that it disagreed with the information we had. He said "Well, how much did they even come over on your property?" and I told him "Any amount is too much." Anything he tried to get out of me or agree to, I just told him to contact our lawyer.

I'll be updating as things develop and as I see new advice here.

2 years, 2 months agofrancis2559 posted on legaladvice.
Aug. 13, 2017

Not a lawyer but a Christian: this is a good book about healthy boundaries written by some smart Christians. Maybe she'd be receptive to it. Helped me out a lot way back in High School.

[30/f] seriously considering breakup with [38/m] alcoholic bf [R]

2 years, 2 months agootitropanit posted submission on relationship_advice.
July 24, 2017

DISCLAIMER: this is a really hard point in my life. May be triggering**

Hi all. First reddit post bc I'm scared to go to anyone else just yet. I've been with my bf for almost 6 years. We live together and have been for 3 years. We raised a dog together and he has a lovely family that loves me too.

I guess this post seems stupid since it may be obvious of what I need to do. I just need encouragement and advice since I'm embarrassed, ashamed and guilty for letting this go on for so long. My family and friends warned me, but we've had fun together. We have so much in common and he's supported me at my lowest (I have anxiety/depression). I should have seen the signs, but I was blinded by love, the fact that I don't know what a healthy relationship looks like, and that I'm a healthier, different person than I was 6 years ago.

He's an alcoholic and doesn't function with 2 drinks or more. He bumbles and stumbles around, doesn't go to work, or engage in meaningful conversations. I thought it was curable - "If he just stops drinking, everything will be like it was before when we first started dating." We've totally stopped having sex - if we do, most of the time it's rough and unloving. We never go out. Whenever we do he doesn't make an effort to suggest things to do. I dread coming home. Even the dog is a little fearful.

Beyond that, he refuses to take care of himself. He has anxiety and self medicates with alcohol. He won't go to a dentist and he has toothaches every day. It angers and saddens me that he won't help himself, to the point where some physical abuse has happened ( from me 😢). And yet he says he loves me, that he would kill himself without me.

3 weeks ago he went to visit family to get dry for 2 weeks. He came back and the first week was great, although I started to notice things about him that I didn't like - snarky comments and messiness. Either way things were good, but then he would sneak a beer, have wine at noon, and now a whole bottle of vodka??? And he lied about it!! I understand alcoholism is a disease and he needs help, but I don't feel able to give the kind of support he needs. His mom is lovely and says he needs work... Should I feel guilty?

I realize that this sounds horrible and may be an abusive relationship. I'm so scared to step away. What will happen to him? My mom is not happy we live together and I'm afraid she'll freak and just make me feel bad. I'm afraid to go to friends about it bc I'm such a private person and don't want to go into details. ....

Please help! How do I get emotional support? How do I break up with him? How do I move out and on? We have couples counseling set up tomorrow, but I'm not confident he'll show up...

UPDATE I took him to the emergency room for his tooth at the encouragement of his mom. He was home laying on the couch butt naked in pain (possibly drunk). Finally got him dressed and at ER for 3 hours, where he impatiently waited before leaving in a huff WITHOUT GETTING CARE although he complained about excrutiating pain. He was being difficult the entire time ....I just can't anymore

Update I broke up my bf and I'm moving into a new apartment. My friends are incredibly supportive and have offered to help me move and given great advice! My bf has not changed AT ALL and we signed an agreement to take my name off the lease. I think it's setting in that I'm done and I'm leaving. He asked for visitation with the dog, who just cuddles with me. Maybe she senses the pain I'm in? It's hard, but I can only imagine how hard it would have been to stay together. Now is the time. Thanks all for the encouragement and love on this thread. Time to start anew.

Meanwhile, I'm reading the books folks suggested and Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari. It feels weird to be buried in work dealing with this situation and not share the awesome things I get to do every day in my new job. My ex has been vindictive and destructive to himself. He's obviously depressed. I'm really looking forward to starting over in a fresh place and to decorate and make it my own.

While I'm happy to start over as a full grown adult (done with school, full time job and responsibilities) a part of me is really scared. I've never been all by myself - without family, roommates, or bf. I get to set my terms but what if it's wrong or not authentically me? What if I fail? What if I end up all alone?

You make mistakes in life but I'm praying for the courage to grow. Peace and God bless.

2 years, 2 months agootitropanit posted on relationship_advice.
July 25, 2017

I feel like I could have written this exact post, down to the teeth and the mother and the ways he helped you and the outbursts you displayed, and the suicide threats. Especially the thinking that if he would just stop drinking, it would be amazing.

Definitely get to Al-Anon - either in person or virtual meetings.

Not for all, but for many substance abusers, there are underlying mental health issues. I thought alcohol was the issue. Then he was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder (rapid cycling), and later borderline personality disorder. What I thought was a great guy a bit down on his luck who was addicted (but could shake it, I just knew he could!), turned out to be a man who was struggling with a lot and though he needed love, was not in a position to be in a romantic relationship. I recommend checking out some websites about dating someone with borderline, bipolar, or antisocial personality disorder to see if any of it fits. If not, great! If so, it will likely feel like a missing piece of the puzzle just appeared.

In regards to your outbursts - they are not ok, which you already know. If you haven't yet, please read the book Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life . It explains that these anger outburst are a very NORMAL reaction to your boundaries being completely violated or disregarded. And they are a sign that you need to change something.

If you wait for him to be "ok enough" for you to leave, it will never happen. You didn't create it cause this, and you are not responsible for fixing or solving it/him. Take care of YOURSELF because no one else will and when you start to fall apart, your own road to recovery will demand it anyways.

How do you know when you're being charitable enough to someone? [R]

2 years, 3 months agoSillyToni posted submission on Christianity.
July 10, 2017

Thinking of my mother here, honestly. I'm an adult who lives with her parents (yay lousy insurance and health problems!).

I've had a lot of situations where I've described some issue with my mother, trying to be relatively neutral, and the response I get back is "wow, that's 100% awful!" or "that's really manipulative" or something like that. And I don't know what to think.

I want to be charitable towards her, I don't want to be thinking she's awful or manipulative or abusive or whatever. And of course, while I can try to see things from her perspective, I'm always going to see things primarily from my perspective.

At the same time...sometimes I wonder if people are right, and I'm just missing bad behavior because I'm accustomed to it, or trying to be fair.

How do you tell?

2 years, 3 months agoSillyToni posted on Christianity.
July 10, 2017

I would recommend the book Boundaries written by two Christian psychologists.

https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454/ref=sr11?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1499727088&sr=1-1&keywords=boundaries

It talks about dealing with difficult people and asserting your own personal freedom and limits in a loving way.

Stressing [R]

2 years, 3 months agootitropanit posted submission on AlAnon.
July 7, 2017

My SO has recently got his first job since his breakdown. His bosses have invited him out for drinks, and he said if this opportunity would arise he would refuse any alcohol from the start and get it out the way, but after having spam called him after 3 hours radio silence he said they've bought him two pints. I'm just stressing because I don't want him to have to lie about being okay to drink. I'm so worried this will snowball into him making a mess out of his new and fragile relationships with his new bosses and colleagues. I know there's nothing I can do, and the thoughts going round and round will not change anything. But I just needed to vent this one out, in hope that I'll be able to catch some sleep soon. Sorry, and thank you.

2 years, 3 months agootitropanit posted on AlAnon.
July 8, 2017

So good! Also, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

Those two stopped the crazy and showed me sanity!

How do I develop my inner monster? [R]

2 years, 3 months agoincredulitor posted submission on JordanPeterson.
July 5, 2017

I'm highly agreeable. Recently I've come to think that my tendency to avoid conflict is having a negative effect on my ability to make friends. I'm less agreeable around my family but whenever I'm around new people or people I would like to be friends with I become more self-aware of my speech and actions and I tend to restrain myself. How do I develop my inner monster? How do I become more assertive?

(for reference, see this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MZgpMLgkP1Q)

2 years, 3 months agoincredulitor posted on JordanPeterson.
July 5, 2017

Assertiveness might be more straightforward to address than an inner monster. There's more material available on it; it's better understood in the popular discourse as something that anyone who doesn't already have it needs to develop.

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. I can vouch for this one personally. It's a pretty comprehensive treatment of how and why people don't develop or respect healthy boundaries and what you can do about it.

That book comes from a Christian tradition. Much of it is secular, but some of the motivating statements and theoretical framework is in terms of Christian theology. I'm agnostic leaning atheist, but I actually found that part of the book opened my eyes to the fact that there are some Christian people in the USA who use their beliefs as a basis to do some hard work on themselves. A useful experience on its own, for what that's worth.

Supporting skills:

  • Mindfulness of bodily sensations. Peterson has spoken in a bunch of different videos, referencing Carl Rogers, about how you can feel it in your body when you're saying something that you know isn't quite right, something that misrepresents your interests or what you know to be the truth. Well, feelings can also be the first thing to tell you when you're giving away power that you shouldn't be. Learn to recognize that feeling more quickly and reliably by making a conscious effort to notice and pay attention to it as it comes and goes.
  • Recognizing it is a separate step from acting on it. Pick something that comes up for you repeatedly, walk yourself through what you want to say, what happens when you don't, what it feels like to continue not getting what you want. Resolve yourself to say something about it the next time it comes up. Realize in advance that this could be terrifying. You will feel in the moment like what you had ready to say is no longer the right thing, like you're being rude, taking what isn't yours, bullying. Standing up for yourself when it's not something that you've done before is by definition outside of your sphere of normal experience, so it is very likely to present as the kind of paralyzing unknown that Peterson speaks so eloquently about. Realize that if you're serious about changing this piece of yourself that you can't let that stop you.
  • Extend out. Once you've done it once, it might or might not get easier to do the same kind of thing in other situations. You'll probably have to try it a bunch of times across a bunch of different issues before asserting yourself respectfully starts to feel more like a natural part of your being.

That is the obvious and straightforward path, the one that in my experience and opinion is most likely to get you to where you want to be. If the language of the Jungian shadow appeals to you, you can also try approaching it in terms of facing up to who exactly it is that you don't want to be - but think about trying that after you've given the straightforward approach a fair shake.

INFPs and setting boundaries. [R]

2 years, 3 months agojrg1610 posted submission on infp.
June 23, 2017

Hi INFPs of Reddit! :D An important INFP in my life has trouble setting boundaries and avoids conflict to what appears to me (ENTJ) a maddeningly inconvenient point. As a result, I have to deal with listening to them complain or watch them be upset huffing and puffing over easy to handle situations. I would love to learn from your perspectives and insights.

What would your advice to my budding INFP friend be to help them realize that standing up for themselves is worthwhile and not the end of the world?

EDIT: Thank you all so much for your help! I really appreciate your thoughtful responses and was able to have an effective heart to heart with my INFP. I get the impression now that they understand they have a lot more control over situations in their life, and now I feel like I can be more supportive knowing where they're coming from. x3 You all are the best, thank you!

2 years, 3 months agojrg1610 posted on infp.
June 23, 2017

Granted it was written from a Christian/spiritual perspective, this book was very helpful to me and has great insights into how having boundaries in your life can protect/build your emotional wellness.

https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1498238099&sr=8-1&keywords=boundaries

I still think that any person, regardless of their belief system, will be able to glean useful principles from what is written in it.

My thoughts and experiences

I discovered that I used to be overly compliant for fear of controlling unpleasant emotions in other people's lives (whether or not the emotion is directed at me or not). Although it appears charitable, being overly compliant is just as much a form of controlling people's emotions for things that they should be responsible for. A part of stopping the over-compliance is by being okay with seeing people suffer the consequences of their actions even though you are ideally able to alleviate their pain.

While having loose boundaries makes you effective at putting out short-term fires in other people's lives, what happens is that your emotional well-being smolders from being exposed to so many fires and you begin to get emotional "burns" over time. It is certain useful in the short-term, but damaging and unsustainable for an individual in the long-term.

As far as I know, this kind of behavior is difficult to troubleshoot for an INFP because their compliance is a natural emergent from the wonderful care an INFP can have for other human beings. It's basically learning to learn to turn off a part of you by realizing that standing up for yourself does not always spell the end of relationships, and it is necessary in the care of self. In fact, it works as a great filtering mechanism for keeping unwanted people out of your life because healthy people will still stick around and respect your differences and the manipulative people will leave when they realize they can't control you.

I think one of the most useful ways for an INFP to look at the conflicts that emerge from setting boundaries and limits on others is that conflict can be used as an opportunity for self-expression. It shows where one person ends and you begin, and an INFP should generally be excited for any opportunity for self-expression (lol!).

The personalityhacker podcast has recently had some interesting information on setting boundaries, an I'm sure most of the information I've shared has been from my experiences of considering the advice I've heard on that podcast and the book I linked before. I still have a lot more work to do, too.

This is the podcast: http://www.personalityhacker.com/podcast-episode-0177-setting-healthy-boundaries-with-merja-sumiloff/

You seem to be an ENTJ who is doing a good job at being yourself—you understand the end-result of a behavior and that is a good enough reason for you to establish boundaries without a care otherwise. Your INFP friend, however, needs to have the reason for a change in their behavior build from the bottom-up, from an authentic place. It's not as effective of a process at yours is, but it'll bring a lot of health into other areas of their lives in processing it in the way an INFP needs to. So thank you for looking out for your friend and seeking out help on their behalf.

I'd like some advice on spending time with my aging parents vs pursuing an independent life, please. [R]

2 years, 4 months agoJune 3, 2017

[deleted]

2 years, 4 months agospiceydog posted on AskWomenOver30.
June 4, 2017

Please check out the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud. Fantastic book for understanding relationships between family members, regardless of the circumstances.

Don't want to be backup child care [R]

2 years, 6 months agoforgetasitype posted submission on Parenting.
April 9, 2017

Ok my friend calls me when her and her husband forgot about a meeting and needed to drop off 2-3 kids at 6am for me to get them on the bus to school. I have two of my own. I told her I would do it this once but she needs backup care for when her daycare won't work out. I can tell this pissed her off but this isn't the first time she's asked me for this stuff. I sub in the lunchroom at school but other than that I'm a sahm and I feel like she thinks I'm always there for backup. Honestly Imdont like babysitting other ppl kids especially more than 1. I really don't want to ruin our relationship, and my kids love her kids but I'm tired of having to run here and there and watch this one or that every time she has a headache or forgot a meeting or whatever. And 4-5 kids by myself is exhausting. Am I a total jerk?

2 years, 6 months agoforgetasitype posted on Parenting.
April 10, 2017

You're welcome! There is a great book called Boundaries that gives a great blueprint on how to know what you should help with to be a decent human being. There is a concept of a burden vs a load, that I found very helpful. The book has a Christian slant, and although I am not a particularly religious person, I still found the book very helpful and not too "churchy."

Parents hurt credit and getting bills up the ass :-( [R]

2 years, 6 months agogobigorange86 posted submission on personalfinance.
March 30, 2017

So I work at restaurant earning cash a night. I work full time and make at least 2 grand a month. I live with my parents their income isn't that good. I'm stuck paying for all the late payments and I pay utilities each month, electric, gas, water, phone, etc. my car just broke down completely and I Have to pay the late water bill that racked up to $315. My parents opened something with credit with my name and they had late payments on it hurting my credit score (520). Parents keep surprising me with late bills. Should I move out? Where do u start? How do I repair my credit? Some advice with this would be very useful. I'm 19 years old.

2 years, 6 months agogobigorange86 posted on personalfinance.
March 30, 2017

>He said that everyone that turns 18 helps their parents pay for something

That is just a completely inaccurate statement.

You should read the book Boundaries.

https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454/ref=pdbxgy142?encoding=UTF8&pdrdi=0310247454&pdrdr=8FJXTEAH5CTBAC4F7YA2&pdrdw=LSo9c&pdrdwg=cCwBJ&psc=1&refRID=8FJXTEAH5CTBAC4F7YA2

I don't think I love E-mom, and I don't think I trust her [R]

2 years, 9 months agothrowawaynation- posted submission on raisedbynarcissists.
Jan. 2, 2017

I went home for Christmas, on the condition that N-dad would not be there, and it was alright.

But I don't think I like my E-mom as a person. I don't think I really want to have a relationship with her. She doesn't really care about her children.

Its been two years since she decided to leave N-dad and sell the house, she hasn't even gotten a job. She is dragging the whole process out in an effort to get as much money as possible, not even considering the fact that she is holding back everyone else's healing and wellbeing, by constantly forcing us to be in an environment with the threat of N-dad/ having to hear about N-dad ect.


She also told me that N-dad would be back till the 5th of Jan, then it became the 3rd of Jan, and she couldn't even guarantee that. I asked her to phone him and check, and her answer was 'yeah, well i could do that' in the most dismissive blase tone of voice. Even though the deal was I would only come home for Christmas if it could be guaranteed that N-dad wouldn't be there, I have CPTSD, and he is incredibly toxic, compulsive liar, manipulative evil, evil person. I told her she 'was not facilitating my wellbeing right now', she told me that was mean and unfair, and I said 'No, it isn't' - at which point she stormed out of the room in a tantrum and went upstairs, leaving me to finish cooking dinner.

When she came down she came up to me and said 'Can I have a hug then' in a very demanding manner, and forced me into a hug, she then told me she would 'explain the situation' as if I had no idea what the situation was. And proceeded to explain why there was no point in her calling N-dad to check when he was coming back.

I told her, ok fine then, I'm leaving tomorrow, she told me that was immature and childish, and I told her no 'I need to not be around him at all ever, if you can't do that for me, I can't come down here, that's the way it is' - she kept telling me I was being unfair, and I kept telling her I didn't want to discuss it anymore and for her to leave me alone. In the end my sister called N-dad (which she should not have had to do) and found out he was coming back on the 2nd now, and so I had to leave on Jan 1st.


E-mom also has no consideration for my boundaries, and she was very enmeshmenty throughout my childhood. Even now, she will do weird things like going through my dirty washing (I am 24 and have said I dislike this and want to do all my own washing - yet she won't stop).... Also, she had moved lots of things around in my room when I got home, and gone through my draws, it wasn't like she did that because she wanted to use the room for something (which I wouldn't have minded, she just did it for the sake of it)

She also walks into my room in the mornings, and wakes me up whenever she wants, like if I am sleeping in late, which is something I was only doing because it was the holidays. She will just knock and then open the door, she has no respect for my boundaries AT ALL.

When I was a kid she would go through my things because she was 'tidying my room' I had arguments with her about it all the time, telling her I can, could and would tidy my own room and that she should leave my things alone. She always said she was just 'being a mother' and that I was ungrateful, and a spoilt brat. But she would even go through my bins, take things I had thrown away out of my bins and put them back in my cupboard, its just fucking weird.

This time, when I was packing my bags on the morning of the 1st to leave to come back home, she took all the food I had bought to take back with me, and packed it herself (I had not asked for her help), also packing other things into the bag, things I didn't want. I have a history of eating disorders and she knows this, and she knows I hate other people controlling anything to do with my food, especially if I don't exactly trust them. She also has a habit of making disgusted noises, or retching noises if I ever mention wanting food she doesn't like - like chocolate brownies or something.

She also started sneaking other things into my bags as I was packing them without asking me, and I'm like WHY? WHY would someone do that, just leave me and my things alone.... No i don't want your old jumper, or the weird rice cakes that you bought but don't want anymore, no i don't want your old leopard skin underwear you fucking weirdo. If she thought I might like these things, and it wasn't some strange kind of power play, wouldn't she just offer them to me?

E-mom also has this habit of 'helping' me, without helping me, i'm not sure how to explain this. For example, when I started packing, she decided to bring all of my clothes up from the dryer, and put them on my floor along with a load of plastic shopping bags. She didn't say she was going to do this, she just did it. It made my life more difficult because I was already packing my books upstairs and had planned to take my rucksack downstairs to pack my clothes straight from the dryer. Also, if she has ever agreed to do something with me, she will drop me like a hot potato the second literally anyone else comes and wants her attention.

I'm starting to suspect that maybe, maybe she is a covert N, the self-martyring type of N, who gets the N-supply through self-martyrdom.....and the constant 'ultimate victim' game....

So yeah, I don't really know where this rant is going, or if I am being unreasonable. But something about my E-mom makes me feel literally sick, like nauseous to my stomach. And that is not normal.

2 years, 9 months agothrowawaynation- posted on raisedbynarcissists.
Jan. 2, 2017

> something about my E-mom makes me feel literally sick, like nauseous to my stomach.

There is a reason why our Gut is known as our second brain. Listen to your gut, it will never lie to you. There's a reason why you feel "sick to your stomach".

> maybe she is a covert N, the self-martyring type of N, who gets the N-supply through self-martyrdom

Your birth giver sounds like a covert N. it sounds like she uses the guise of "helping" to exert control and power over you. Also, I agree, it is a form of N-supply. N's need their egos fed and the best way is to get someone indebted to them or someone singing their praises.

> if she has ever agreed to do something with me, she will drop me like a hot potato the second literally anyone else comes and wants her attention.

because you aren't a person to your birth giver. you are an object she takes out to manipulate and play with. Have you ever seen a toddler play? the moment something better comes along, that toy is immediately dropped and discarded. that toy is you. It's a horrible reality, but N's are horrible people.

> She also walks into my room in the mornings, and wakes me up whenever she wants, like if I am sleeping in late, which is something I was only doing because it was the holidays. She will just knock and then open the door, she has no respect for my boundaries AT ALL.

I would suggest reading books about healthy boundaries and how to firmly establish them. If you want to take it a step furthur, I would suggest speaking to a competent mental health professional.

EMSKR: How to deal with a siblings disrespectful girlfriend? [R]

2 years, 11 months agoLaserBees posted submission on everymanshouldknow.
Nov. 5, 2016

Me and my brother are currently living at home while saving up enough to move into our own apartment. We were on good terms which suddenly changed when he started dating a girl he met through a work friend. This girl already had a reputation among her own friends that she was crazy but she is quite good looking. Due to her parents being very strict and traditional they never go to her house as the atmosphere there is not very social when everyone's around.

Every weekend she comes to our house and everyone was initially very socialble towards her, she was nice when in person but the second she goes into my brothers room and they close the door they think that they can air their dirty laundry to the rooms next to his, my parents and mine. This has caused a huge quality of life decrease as they can be clearly heard through the walls arguing. When she's not over they're instead arguing on the phone which is essentially just as detrimental.

My sleep schedule has become unreliable as I am often woken up to either: my brother arguing with his girlfriend in his room, arguing on the phone, or him auto playing youtube videos through his surround sound system as he falls asleep. He refuses to use headphones. Awkwardly enough this girl has a habit of audibly moaning during sex which sounds like a cheap porno and is very embarrassing to know that my parents can hear it in addition to myself.

Each member of my family has asked my brother to stop arguing in our home but they both always falls back into this routine. They argue about petty things often revolving around my brother inappropriately checking out another girl or her social media.

I've escalated my efforts multiple times after asking him politely alone to stop arguing here but he doesn't stop. I then intervened mid argument when she was in the room to personally let her know it wasn't okay to continue doing it and she appeared to be compliant if not embarrassed that I made such a intervention.

My parents are reluctant to take drastic action such as kicking him out due to being fatigued through an ongoing process to support him through his black tar heroin addiction which has gone on for many years and is a whole other issue that likely has some cause on his current behavior. This girl didn't know he used until far into the relationship but stuck with him when she found out. In addition to that they can hear the volume at a reduced level due to having thicker walls separating the rooms but it has affected them.

I've been working a job that requires me to be up at 7:30 and I have to endure my brothers loud conversations and arguing every week night on the phone and then every weekend. I'm sleep deprived at a transportation job and am concerned for my health in general. I have spoken with my father about having to possibly deny her access to our home which he agreed might have to happen, the thing is I'm going to have to make a huge scene to create a dramatic example to shake him out of his apathy.

Today while cleaning our bathroom I started to toss out her items in the bathroom we all share, anything empty, dirty or cluttering was gone I was careless save for some newer items. The bathroom itself gets disgusting as she wipes her makeup off on the community hand towel, leaves her towels on the floor until someone else picks them up, litters the shower with excess shampoos and cosmetic items, etc. I must have tossed a cosmetic item that was somewhat pricey as my brother questioned whether I did or not which I casually denied.

You can see how this situation has devolved into almost a feud with no real solutions. I'm at the point where I'm ready to make her uncomfortable enough to reconsider coming over and feeling obliged to continue her toxic behavior. My relationship with my brother is obviously not positive at the moment and I'm not sure what the future holds for us on the topic of moving out but I feel like that won't ever happen since we can't solve our differences here.

I'd like to retain as much of my dignity as possible through this process but feel I may have to act irrational to get any real results. How should I go about this situation?

TLDR: Brother and his girlfriend are arguing incessantly within our home, mainly in his room, and reducing the quality of life of my parents and myself. Attempts to ask him to stop the behavior achieved no results, me intervening mid argument to address the girlfriend achieved little results, seeking the most mature way to go about ending this behavior which seems to point to convincing my parents to refuse her access to the home which my father has considered but will likely require me to make a big scene to influence him to take action since I experience the most volume of their arguing.

2 years, 11 months agoLaserBees posted on everymanshouldknow.
Nov. 7, 2016

It's some serious shit, wish I could help. I can at least recommend this book, Boundaries. Read it man. You have to have boundaries in your relationships that are healthy and entirely reasonable. This sounds to me like a major issue in your family.

I could use help/advice on a family issue. [R]

3 years, 1 month agoSillyToni posted submission on Christianity.
Sept. 5, 2016

Dad's got bipolar, and part of the problem is that once he developed this disorder he gets periods of being extremely irritable. And he tends to go after my mother relentlessly during these periods. And my mother goes to try to reason with him, which ends in a giant fight. And my mother comes to cry on my shoulder and get advice from me.

The trouble is these sessions end up being multiple hours long. And if I say something like "I'm getting overwhelmed" or "I need a break", my mother's response is to talk about how she's overwhelmed and needs a break and can't get one. I'm also getting a lot of the housework dumped on me because my father's too sick and my mother's apparently too stressed (she's having bad headaches and sleeping problems) to do it. Which I get, but the whole situation feels like "we can't handle this, so you have to whether you can or not." I feel like I'm the only one in the house who doesn't get to say "I'm not up to this right now." When I try to say that I get told I'm being selfish and they can't handle things and that's why I need to do so much.

Really, we're getting to the point where I feel like I'm doing too much, and my mother feels like I'm not doing my fair share and she has to do everything herself. She'll tell me basically that the whole situation isn't fair, and she understands what I'm going through, but there's nothing she can do to make it more fair.

I love my parents, and I really want to help out. At the same time I feel very overwhelmed by this whole mess. Both my parents have psychiatrists and therapists - frankly, none of them seem to be doing anything useful at all. (And I've had more than my fair share of therapy in my life - it sure doesn't do anything for me except make me frustrated and upset for a few hours every week.)

I want to be a loving daughter and help out, but I'm really not sure what the right thing to do here is.

3 years, 1 month agoSillyToni posted on Christianity.
Sept. 5, 2016

This is a difficult situation and my heart goes out to you.

Your family is not respecting you and your boundaries perhaps because they are so needy themselves they cannot see the effect they are having on you.

But - I don't know how old you are - but it seems since you are posting this you are old enough to start thinking about yourself and about your own boundaries and your own sanity and maturity.

I highly recommend this book by Cloud and Townsend (Christian psychologists): https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454/

It can help you to think about what is reasonable, and how you can effectively communicate your needs and your boundaries to your parents.

I found this book very helpful when dealing with my mother in law who was very critical and manipulative and would not see things from my point of view.

How do I [24] deal with a broke, unemployed, mother who begs for rent money every month? [R]

3 years, 2 months agolibraryspy posted submission on personalfinance.
July 21, 2016

I've been mulling over this issue for a while and I'm not sure what the best solution is. My mother, 58, is currently unemployed and lives alone in a moderate apartment. The only jobs she's had in the last decade are an intermittent string of accounting temp positions that usually don't last longer than a few months. She hasn't had one since April, and is currently living off of unemployment, credit cards, and whatever I send her every month. I think she's upwards of $25K in credit card debt by now, and has zero savings or investments.

I have a decent job with a stable salary, but all of my spare money is going into paying off my own CC debt of ~$10K, and well as low-interest student loans of ~$20K. I'm really trying to prioritize getting debt-free so I can save for my future, but having to provide for my mother makes this rather difficult.

Does anyone have any advice for dealing with this situation? I don't want to see my mom suffer, but I feel putting my own financial well-being ahead of hers is the smartest idea. I've been helping her with her resume and job applications, and have been providing moral support as best I can, but I really don't have the money to sustain her as a long term solution. I'm not really sure how bankruptcy works - perhaps that is an option for her? Demanding she moves to low-income housing might be helpful, though I've brought it up before and she's extremely opposed to the idea. Any guidance would be appreciated.

3 years, 2 months agolibraryspy posted on personalfinance.
July 21, 2016

Is it this book?

https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1469120244&sr=8-1&keywords=boundaries

How to not give a fuck about my girlfriends drug use? [R]

3 years, 5 months agoApril 30, 2016

[removed]

3 years, 5 months agojniamh posted on howtonotgiveafuck.
April 30, 2016

>I feel like setting any boundaries for her makes me controlling.

This is an absolutist view that is just going to get in the way of your being able to set healthy boundaries in the future: I admit that I haven't read this book myself yet, but I see it recommended a lot, so maybe try it: Boundaries

It sounds like you're also having some anxiety about your significance, and could do with some reassurance from her.

She originally put the work in to stop partying and taking drugs once she knew it was a condition of dating you, which would of course have made you feel valuable, but now she's stopped. & now you've just mentioned that you feel like you're subtracting fun from her life if you reiterate that the drugs boundary is important to you. Sounds a bit like you're worried you're not exciting enough on your own.

Basically try and learn about boundary-setting so you can be self-aware about it, but you probably need to sit and have a talk with her.

I completely agree with whoever in this thread said that her choices are her choices: I completely understand why you're concerned about her not applying herself to studying to be a surgeon, you want the best for her, etc, but that really is her problem and not yours. The drug-taking as a personal value of yours should be the only topic when you talk to her.

Ex [23/m] called me [22/f] out for being verbally abusive. How do I improve on this? [R]

3 years, 6 months agoApril 20, 2016

[deleted]

3 years, 6 months agoSuNomMe posted on relationship_advice.
April 21, 2016

Thanks, though I'm honestly not feeling very courageous.

I'm halfway through this book. My best friend suggested it to me. I'm not particularly religious, but it's still helping me to recognize and address issues I didn't realize were there before. Do you have any suggestions (books or otherwise) to add to it?

Kitten who needs to learn to say no. Any advice from anyone would be appreciated. [R]

3 years, 6 months agohis_sweet posted submission on BDSMcommunity.
April 18, 2016

I'm a 19 year old female sub/kitten/little. My problem is that I can't decide when or not to submit, I basically do it for everyone. I feel like I am walking around with a big banner saying "wants to be dominated", and then attracting dom/sub relationships with people I really don't want in my life, or with people in which it is inappropriate (at work). I know I can't change that I am a sub, and I don't deny that I love being a kitten. But I need to learn to use my claws, when necessary. Is it possible that training as a dom would teach me how to stop subbing for everyone? Or perhaps there are some specific psychological patterns in the way that I interact socially that I need to change, are their any books/articles that will help me pinpoint these characteristics? Maybe I just have not satisfied my subby needs and this will go away when I am in a dom/sub relationship? Perhaps I have to learn through pure experience, but that seems like the hard way to go about learning.

by the way this is mostly referring to my platonic relationships. To clarify what I mean by being dominated here are some examples: A person telling me who I should speak to/associate with, what to wear, ordering my food for me without asking what I wanted, ordering me around, speaking to me in a degrading and inappropriate manner with the intention of humiliation. Luckily for me most of these people are overall very good people, they dominate me because I don't put out the boundaries that I should be and they see that I enjoy being dominated.

3 years, 6 months agohis_sweet posted on BDSMcommunity.
April 18, 2016

A good book to start is Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend.

How did you learn or implement healthy boundaries? [R]

3 years, 6 months agolearnyouahaskell posted submission on LifeAfterNarcissism.
April 8, 2016

I've finally started therapy and in just 2 sessions it has become incredibly clear that I don't understand what a healthy boundary looks or feels like.

I'm struggling with even understanding what I want for myself other than just the peace and headspace to manage my own needs.

What are some baby-step boundaries that have helped you guys? How did you deal with the push back?

3 years, 6 months agolearnyouahaskell posted on LifeAfterNarcissism.
April 15, 2016

Consider checking out this book; maytbe your library has it, or you can get it on Amazon for about $12 iirc. http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8

[Rant] I need to vent about a dog [R]

3 years, 6 months agoApril 12, 2016

[deleted]

3 years, 6 months agoChees_a_saurus posted on stepparents.
April 12, 2016

> Right off the bat, mother-in-law is shocked that I am so pushy about something. Obviously I can't be pushy about anything involving SD because it's not my place,

You have boundary issues. In that you don't have them and don't believe you're allowed to have them. MIL takes advantage of that. Solution: learn to love boundaries. Put them up, because you get to have them. Do not allow trampling of them. SD, MIL, BM, SO... all of them. You get to have boundaries with all of them.

>SO MIL unfortunately takes SD to see the dogs, instead of waiting until after BM gets her

Why is MIL allowed to do what she wants? That's your real problem. You and your SO do not have boundaries with her.

> MIL asks if she can get it.... How do you say no to that?

"No."

>Of course, what happens next? SD wants to be around the puppy, so MIL lets her take the dog to BMs house.

WTF?! Why would you allow this? Why does MIL get to say what happens to YOUR DOG?!

This is not about the dog. It is about your MIL and your inability to say no to her.

>Next day, of course BM says dog should stay with SD and that we should take her back between houses. Luckily SO quickly puts that out, saying it is our dog, it will be at our house, and we are picking it up that day when we get back to town.

Good. That's a solid boundary. This is what you need more of.

>So, SD comes along too even though she was supposed to be with mom, so she can be with puppy. Obviously we are tired from traveling, but are happy to take them both.

Aaaaaand there goes that boundary. That wasn't hard. In your family system, boundaries, when they are so very rarely placed, are not to be believed. All it takes is some guilt trips, some "but it's for SD" and you and SO fall over like dead corn husks in a hurricane.

>Not to mention, BM already posted a ton of pictures of OUR dog on FB with her name plastered.

@&*##$

The dog should have not been allowed at BM's house. As soon as you and SO found out about it, you should have gone to get it. If you were refused, you call the police non-emergency line, explain the situation, and ask for a police report. You have documentation that you adopted the dog. You paid vet bills for the dog. The dog is YOUR PROPERTY.

> We talk to SD about changing the name to something we all like, instead of something only she likes (ever since her parents got divorced, she is very anti-change anything.)

Why is this a needed conversation. IT'S YOUR DOG AND SD IS A CHILD IN YOUR HOME. Change the name. You don't need SD's permission. Even giving her the impression that you need her permission is evidence of a severe lack of boundaries with SD.

The adults who own the dog get to make the decisions for said dog. Of course, you guys haven't yet figured out that you two are the adults in your home and that you own the dog, not SD.

> Instantly, MIL is worried we were pressuring SD, that she will be sad and only agreed to it because we forced it.....

1) Why does MIL immediately know about this. 2) Why does no one tell her to STFU and call an appropriate outlet (like a therapist) to discuss her anxieties? She's an adult. She gets to handle her emotions. That's called an emotional boundary. Learn it and love it.

> The next part is the worst: she tells my SO she is surprised I again was so pushy about changing the dogs name. Apparently, when it comes to all things SD I am very "self-sacrificing" (her words) and she is shocked that now, I would push this and make SD unhappy.

Fucking classic. The boundary buster MIL panics at any semblance of people having boundaries with her and decides said person is "controlling."

MIL is controlling and the two of you have lacked boundaries with her. She likes this. She does not like boundaries and will actively fight against having any. This is not a surprise. She wants 100% control over your home, over SD, and over your relationship, which you seem to have been giving her for quite some time. She won't like these things taken away, and will turn to her known routes of manipulation. Like this one...

> SO is obviously distressed, and although he originally sided with me about changing the dogs name because he new it was important to me, he doesn't want to upset his daughter and mother.

Boom. MIL guilt trips her son and her son feels guilty. He lacks emotional boundaries with his mother, and is removing anyone else's attempts at boundaries with her like a good son would. /s

> So, I do what I always do.... Agree we should change it back to make everyone happy.

Dude. THIS IS YOUR PROBLEM. RIGHT HERE.

>I was tired of fighting this war (we talked about it and me being self sacrificing in general for hours.)

Sacrificing means you don't have boundaries. Not having boundaries is not a good thing for you, your relationship, and SD, but you haven't figured that out yet.

> Of course, next morning SD calls her the original name without us even telling her. Eventually I bring up the fact that we will go back to the original name because it makes her happy. She says "you will like it eventually."

WHAT. Who is the parent here? You guys seem confused.

>My SO instantly tells her maybe that's not the right answer, and that we are sacrificing a lot to make her happy, a thank you and acknowledgement would be nice.

Your SO can lay partial boundaries. I guess that's a good thing. By why is he looking to a 7 year old to validate and approve his actions? That's ridic.

>When we tell MIL we are changing it back, again no thank you or acknowledgement. She knew I would bend I guess.

Absolutely.

> MIL and SO both say that I am so self sacrificing all of the time for SD

No. You lack boundaries with every single person in your life. It's not a good thing.

>But instead of letting me have this one thing that they can see is important to me, they are upset I don't instantly bend for everyone else like I always do.

Because you lack boundaries with every single person in your life and they, in a sense, like that.

> TLDR: If you constantly sacrifice for other people, it will become an expectation.

Oh, no, honey. It's more TL;DR If you lack boundaries and tell yourself it's a good thing, people will walk all over you and tell you to bend over for more. You'll be upset and make a post on reddit about it, but really not reflecting upon how you are your own worst enemy and you can very easily change this dynamic.

Get this book. It's got a religious bent, but ignore that if it bothers you. It's not necessary and the other content is immensely valuable to you. If you start having boundaries, your life will turn around. People with whom you've not have boundaries will challenge you. The book covers this. It is incredibly important that you do not bend, or they will never believe your boundaries. This is your struggle.

Also, get the third party (MIL) out of your home/decisions. You guys get to tell her the appropriate level of involvement, and you guys get to not take her opinions into account. She is an extremely intrusive and manipulative person, and allowing her unfettered access is the reason your home is in chaos.

Additionally, SD is a child. She needs people to treat her like a child, so she has a childhood. Kids will push boundaries and take on as much responsibility and authority as their parents will give them. It is important that parents do not give them that. If you do, you take away their innocence and sense of safety and stability. They want two parents who are setting rules and not budging from them. It honestly helps them feel more secure, because they feel more confident in their parents' ability to protect them. They want to know their parents "have this" and they can rest easy and know they are protected. The two of you have made SD practically an equal and it is incredibly unhealthy for her.

How do i stop myself from being taken advantage of?? [R]

3 years, 6 months agobushforbrains posted submission on Catholicism.
April 8, 2016

I turn the other cheek and people take that as a sign of weakness they also take advantage and start to hit me and name call me names, how can I stop this behavior? It has gone to the point where I have teared up in class.

3 years, 6 months agobushforbrains posted on Catholicism.
April 8, 2016

This book helped me work on personal boundaries based on biblical principles: http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454

Text on boundaries? [R]

3 years, 7 months agobryxy posted submission on psychotherapy.
March 11, 2016

Anyone able to recommend a good reference for helping clients accept the need for boundaries in their relationships? Particularly for clients that habitually place the needs of others over their own?

3 years, 7 months agobryxy posted on psychotherapy.
March 15, 2016

http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1458092696&sr=8-1&keywords=boundaries

I like this one a lot- use it regularly. It is written from a Christian perspective; however, I think it's worth the read even if one doesn't identify with that faith.

My mom insists that I need a part time job on top of my full time job [22] [R]

3 years, 7 months agoMarch 10, 2016

[removed]

3 years, 7 months agobjbarlowe posted on personalfinance.
March 10, 2016

Regardless of whether you should take a second job, it's just none of their business. Set up some boundaries with your family. Check out this book.

Non-traditional debts [R]

3 years, 7 months agobjbarlowe posted submission on ynab.
March 2, 2016

So I've got a general question. My wife owes her parents about $2000. This is a debt she owes them from auto insurance payments and a few other things.

I want to keep track of it somehow, but I'd rather if it didn't count against my net worth. One way would just be to keep it outside of YNAB and have a budget for it so it can be paid back. But before I do that I was wondering if there is a way to track a debt without having it count against your net worth in YNAB.

The reason I don't want it to count against me is because in reality it doesn't. There's no interest on it. There's not real documentation that it even exists. There's no time frame to pay it back. And honestly, I don't care if it does get paid back. To me the concept it parents collecting money from their children is entirely foreign, but my wife and I come from totally different backgrounds and one of the hardest things for me to overcome was how she viewed money.

It helps her if she can see it in YNAB, so I was hoping to find a solution of some sort to keep it in YNAB.

3 years, 7 months agobjbarlowe posted on ynab.
March 2, 2016

When you're married there's no "her net worth" and "my net worth." Only "our net worth." That's especially true if you're finances are combined anyway. Honestly, if you're accounts are all combined, I'm not even sure how you'd calculate separate net worths.

Anyway, it sounds like you're bringing in relationship problems with your in-laws into your accounting in YNAB. You're not saying you owe $2,000 but you don't want to put it in YNAB. You're saying your in-laws say you owe $2,000 but you're not sure you really should.

At any rate, this does not sound like the kind of folks you want to owe money to. Depending on how significant $2,000 is to you, I'd just pay it as soon as you can and then move on. If you want to dispute it with them, that's fine, but deal with that and then decide what YNAB should reflect.

As an aside, I'd recommend you check out the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud to help you deal with your communication issues with your in-laws. It'll change your life, man.

24F, never been kissed or dated, is it ok? [R]

3 years, 8 months agolightbringer1979 posted submission on TwoXChromosomes.
Feb. 7, 2016

Throwaway account, and apologies for the long post ahead...

The title is self explanatory I think. I’m 24 going on 25 in a couple of months and have never kissed or dated anyone in my life. And to be honest, I have seen other threads and problems similar to mine on the internet, but I don’t think any of them match me personally.

If I’m to be honest, I think it’s a combination of reasons. Firstly, I do come from a conservative Asian family, so dating isn’t really encouraged. I live at home, and didn’t really have a reliable form of transportation (i.e. not sharing a car with my parents), until last week when I finally had enough money to lease a car. I have low self esteem so, I automatically assume anyone who could be interested in me, could do a lot better than me. I’m socially anxious and overthink everything, look for validation in others. And to top it all off, I’ve had my trust in people severely shaken up when a relative of mine sexually assaulted me 4 years ago.

I’m grateful for the fact that in my own life, I’m not the only one going through this. I do have other friends in my situation. We live at home, come from similar backgrounds and haven’t gotten far in the dating field at all. When we talk about it, they seem much more laid back about the issue. Kind of a ‘whatever happens, happens” approach. And some days I do feel like that too. There are some days that I’m happy I don’t have to worry about being in a relationship or worrying about another person because, I want to work on myself. Make myself a better person. But other days, I feel like I’ve missed some big social milestone and I feel ashamed. Like I should’ve kissed someone by now. I should’ve been in a relationship by now. It’s been too long and now no one is going to be interested in me.

I just, don’t know what to do, or if I should do anything. As much as I’d like to get these milestones over with, dating or kissing someone just for the sake of saying ‘I dated and kissed someone’ doesn’t feel right. Before I get into a relationship, I would love to learn to love myself, trust others more and stop being so anxious. I don’t want to be in a relationship and have my SO be this personal validation tool. I don’t want to have a partner and not trust them simply because I don’t trust easily right now. But I also know, if I keep waiting, it may never happen.

I don't know. Not sure if I need advice or just needed to get this off my chest.

EDIT: Thank you all for the supportive responses. I'm seriously going to print this out and post it on my wall or something, just to remind me that my situation is completely normal and that I'm not the only one :)

3 years, 8 months agolightbringer1979 posted on TwoXChromosomes.
Feb. 8, 2016

Same author, but the one that I read was the first one, "How to avoid falling in love with a jerk".

Sorry for the confusion.

And, if I can, I'd also suggest: 1.Boundaries

http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1454990139&sr=8-1&keywords=boundaries

  1. The Power of Vulnerability http://www.amazon.com/Power-Vulnerability-Teachings-Authenticity-Connection/dp/B00D1Z9RFU/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1454990176&sr=8-1&keywords=the+power+of+vulnerability

I have a few others that I like, but the principles that are in these materials just kept coming up when I was a chaplain.

Mombie-to-be treats me like garbage, still invites me to gift grab because I guess my money is as good as anyone else's. [R]

3 years, 9 months agoJan. 5, 2016

[deleted]

3 years, 9 months agoeviljess posted on childfree.
Jan. 7, 2016

i highly recommend the book called boundaries. while i'm not religious in any sense it was a good book to help me better understand my mother and why she cannot just say no to my sister and others.it might help your fiancé and also congrats on your wedding. http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454/ref=sr12?ie=UTF8&qid=1452202838&sr=8-2&keywords=boundaries+learning+to+say+no

My inlaws are asking me to put their next home in my name as they can't get a loan due to recent bankruptcy. I am trying to formulate an argument not just to tell them no, but to demonstrate just how risky an idea it is to my wife. [R]

3 years, 10 months agoDec. 6, 2015

We are newly married, still renting. I have 160k of debt between school loans and our cars. My inlaws are going to lose their house from a bankruptcy in 2016. His company essentially failed and he lost his house. Now, he wants to build a new house next to his son.

He is asking me to put the 280K mortgage in my name and he pays for everything. He's suggesting an LLC and we could draw up a rental aggreement if i wanted. I hate mixing business with family. My own father asked me last year to do the same thing for him, only for a car. Instead I just outright bought the car as a gift. I would resent it if he were late, or something else comes up that would complicate matters. This is even bigger. My wife doesn't understand anything about finances at all, we're talking zilch.

The way i see it, we lose out because of a hit to our credit, esp when it comes to us buying a house. The risk involved if they lose they job or become injured...i cant exactly evict them so that would be something id totally have to bear. i'm a doctor and say i get sued, then they could lose their house. pay for an LLC, have to pay commercial ins policy in addition to homeowner? The infamous "Due on Sale" clause if they want to transfer the mortgage over down the road. (which they are saying will hopefully be within a year, but cmon lets be real) There are so many things out there that I'm probably not aware of! Anything else out there that might give me a headache?

EDIT - tough to keep up with the inbox but im trying. thanks to everyone for backing me up and for tips on how to smooth things over when making my case to the missus and then to him.

EDIT 2 - i had the talk with her. she didn't fight me on it, only that I should just discuss it with him. I don't mind that at all. I've been drinking scotch reading all these posts so i gotta wait until tomorrow lol. then the deed will be done

edit 3- the deed is done. stood firm. convinced my wife and we were united. he took it well but I'm dreading seeing them in person again due to awkwardness

3 years, 10 months agow32015 posted on personalfinance.
Dec. 6, 2015

You and your wife should read a book called Boundaries. It's required reading for everybody imo, but especially newly married couples who are struggling with over-involved/intrusive parents. What your FIL is asking for is completely and utterly out of bounds, and you would be taking on enormous personal/familial risk and stress if you agreed.

My inlaws are asking me to put their next home in my name as they can't get a loan due to recent bankruptcy. I am trying to formulate an argument not just to tell them no, but to demonstrate just how risky an idea it is to my wife. [R]

3 years, 10 months agoDec. 6, 2015

We are newly married, still renting. I have 160k of debt between school loans and our cars. My inlaws are going to lose their house from a bankruptcy in 2016. His company essentially failed and he lost his house. Now, he wants to build a new house next to his son.

He is asking me to put the 280K mortgage in my name and he pays for everything. He's suggesting an LLC and we could draw up a rental aggreement if i wanted. I hate mixing business with family. My own father asked me last year to do the same thing for him, only for a car. Instead I just outright bought the car as a gift. I would resent it if he were late, or something else comes up that would complicate matters. This is even bigger. My wife doesn't understand anything about finances at all, we're talking zilch.

The way i see it, we lose out because of a hit to our credit, esp when it comes to us buying a house. The risk involved if they lose they job or become injured...i cant exactly evict them so that would be something id totally have to bear. i'm a doctor and say i get sued, then they could lose their house. pay for an LLC, have to pay commercial ins policy in addition to homeowner? The infamous "Due on Sale" clause if they want to transfer the mortgage over down the road. (which they are saying will hopefully be within a year, but cmon lets be real) There are so many things out there that I'm probably not aware of! Anything else out there that might give me a headache?

EDIT - tough to keep up with the inbox but im trying. thanks to everyone for backing me up and for tips on how to smooth things over when making my case to the missus and then to him.

EDIT 2 - i had the talk with her. she didn't fight me on it, only that I should just discuss it with him. I don't mind that at all. I've been drinking scotch reading all these posts so i gotta wait until tomorrow lol. then the deed will be done

edit 3- the deed is done. stood firm. convinced my wife and we were united. he took it well but I'm dreading seeing them in person again due to awkwardness

3 years, 10 months agoSG1971 posted on personalfinance.
Dec. 6, 2015

Now that you're married (congrats) you need to focus on yourselves more so than ever... may I suggest a book "Boundaries" http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454 that you both read and discuss as to know how and when to help those around you

"The Change" is happening...... [R]

3 years, 11 months agoNov. 10, 2015

[deleted]

3 years, 11 months agoChees_a_saurus posted on stepparents.
Nov. 11, 2015

Okay, so you've got:

  • An emotional SS who is possibly not able to de-escalate
  • A BM with "a flair for drama and exaggeration"
  • A BM on whom you've recently placed boundaries
  • A BM who likes to involve your SO in her parenting struggles

Hmm.

>SO is a little annoyed with BM because he thinks she is trying to have him handle the situation for her. He feels it's up to her to address it.

Listen to your SO.

>While I agree that she needs to address this as well, she doesn't have a great way of doing it. It always ends up in an explosion and tempers flaring up and nothing productive comes of it.

Here you show us yet another example of your own lack of boundaries. Listen, BM had SS. Parenting is hard. Leave her to do it, just as you ask her to leave you to do it at your home.

This type of BM will under-function as a parent if it's an avenue to a connection with their ex. Embrace the concept of personal responsibility. If there is an issue with SS on your time, handle it. The same must happen for BM. She's a big girl, and nothing is going to get better with the two of you crossing boundaries to "help" her. It's just another way for her to get those boundaries down, isn't it? She just destroys them from the other side - your side.

A chronic theme in all of your posts about this BM is you doubting yourself and wanting to "help" in ways that are not going to do any good when you've got a high-conflict BM. Good fences make for good neighbors, so start appreciating those fences that you guys have put up and stop feeling tempted to take them down to make things "better." It won't work.

Your time, you guys handle it. Her time, she handles it. If SS is playing rough or hurting someone at your home, you guys come down hard on him because it is not appropriate. It is, however, not your jobs to police BM's time/space for her. Just as this is your SO's responsibility on his time, it is her responsibility on her time.

Here's the angle I'm coming from:

I had an enmeshed SO/BM when we started dating. She controlled his every move, and both of them acted as if she were the superior parent. When he dared show any autonomy from her, she would rage. She would walk into his home and then complain when he told her not to do that. Historically, he found life easier when he would give into her and do what she wanted so she would shaddup already. (That's how you wear my SO down, talk loud, talk fast, include authoritative statements like "of course" and "you know", include a helping of guilt "you always" and "you never", and don't stop talking.)

Eventually, he put up boundaries with her and would not give in. After a few months, guess what started happening? Strife at her home on her parenting time. She'd call my SO to come help her, but he would refuse. She's a mother, she can handle parenting her children even when it is hard. Wanting to both berate and belittle him and depend on him for help is no longer allowed. That's a boundary.

What we think was happening was that she was egging on the kids to start arguments so she could then reach out to my SO. Do we think it was a conscious process? No. She's not that evil. But even though the kids were being hurt in the process, we had to let it play out and leave to handle it. Otherwise we'd ensure a long-term emotional torment of the children in order to produce conflict, so that she'd have an excuse to reach out to SO. For the good of the kids, we had to cut off the opportunity for connection.

It still happens once in a while now. Interestingly enough, it's when my SO tries to be "nice" to her. Over the summer, they had a meeting at school, and SO asked her how she was feeling afterward. He let down a boundary to the leech. Guess what happened later that night? Yup. An argument at her home in which she reached out to him to come help her.

This dynamic of children acting up rarely happens at SO's home. It seems to happen frequently at BM's home. The division is pretty clear. We cannot definitively say why, though we've got some ideas.

I cannot say for sure if this dynamic is happening with you guys. I will say it's right around the same time frame, where the BM is subject to increasing boundaries, and her relied-upon methods of manipulation are no longer getting results. I will say that she's likely looking for some new ways to manipulate. Whether something similar is happening with BM/SS in your case isn't something I can say definitively. I will say it seems suspicious and familiar.

So, while your SS might be extra emotional and unable to control his own behavior, you may have a BM who is purposefully escalating matters in order to get a hit of connection with your SO. Who suffers in this scenario? You guys and SS. You need to stop anything she sees as a reward, which is connection to SO. Listen to him when he says she needs to handle it.

I must say that your SO has some pretty good boundaries. You seem to be the one who always wants to live in La La Land where if you give the BM what she's pressuring you guys for, things will get better. Remember that she is not like other people, and life does not work that way with her. Let down a boundary, and you guys and SS will suffer.

Again, I urge you to please accept once and for all that your BM is high-conflict and things do not work with her the same way they do with rational low conflict people.

You might want to do some self-improvement work on yourself, as your lack of boundaries and people-pleasing nature is extremely visible in the lenses with which you view situations. I'm sure that these qualities make you a lovely caring person, but they also leave you vulnerable to people who want to take advantage of you and control you. Here's a good book for you to read. It's got a religious angle, but is still very worthwhile if you're not religious and just want to ignore that portion of it.

BabyBumpers, what books should we add to the BabyBumps Wiki/FAQ book list? [R]

4 years, 1 month agojanobe posted submission on BabyBumps.
Sept. 10, 2015

Books Wiki Page

What books would you like to see added to this list? I see that a lot of our rants are dealing with crazy family members, lots of women struggle with anxiety during pregnancy, etc. What Pregnancy books and/or family/parenting/relational books do you love?

4 years, 1 month agojanobe posted on BabyBumps.
Sept. 10, 2015

Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud. - This book has really helped me determine when family is being inappropriate and how to set those boundaries without guilt.

TIFU ? when I threw brother in law out of the house so my wife left me. [R]

4 years, 1 month agoBeachHockey posted submission on tifu.
Aug. 25, 2015

Update: This actually happened yesterday, but I was so angry that I couldn't write it down until today. My wife and I have been helping in laws by paying for half the college tuition of brother in law, lets call him Ted. He has also been living with us for four years during the school periods. When he started living there we were friends and would talk and hang out, then slowly grew apart and came to dislike each other. He would be loud sometimes, broke my ipod, broke the window blinds, wouldn't help around the house, freeloading so many little annoying things. We stopped talking to each other and it just became a weird living situation. I wasn't comfortable and would tell my wife. On top of this, he would never help out around the house he would only wash his dishes but never helped. I told my wife many times that I was tired of coming home and having to ignore this guy since he wouldn't even talk to me. Some how my wife kept convincing me/tricking me to keep letting him stay. She would tell me that kicking him out was the equivalent of kicking her out and we would separate which I do not want because I love her.

So this summer he was gone and allegedly was no longer going to stay with us anymore.

Yesterday when I came back home from work his car was there. I started getting angry, although maybe he was just visiting. I got home and asked Ted if he was planing on staying and he said Monday through Thursday he would. When he left the kitchen I told my wife that I wasn't cool with this especially not being asked before hand. She said not to talk to loud because he would hear and it would hurt his feelings. I told her that I wasn't going to wait because he would end up staying there. I told her that he had to leave or at least talk to me. She started to pack a bag of clothes and change. I asked her why she was doing that and she said that I knew why- she was leaving me. She went to get Ted so they would leave and I decided to give him a chance. I went to the room and told him that all I want is to get along like decent people and at least talk to each other and he said that he didn't want to. I was pissed off and started raising my voice I don't even remember most of what I said. Then I asked him why he wouldn't even talk to me and he said that " I don't deserve to be talked to". That pissed me off so much that I lost it. I told him to GTFO! I have never in my life been insulted so bad. I was so angry that I called him a mother effer and slam the door on him and my wife.

So, I spent the night alone and haven't heard from my wife. Her family that has always hated me probably hates me even more and who knows what garbage they were spewing to my wife all night. I don't know what will happen, because my wife said she would leave me if I kicked him out.

When I think about it I get so angry and sad. I love my wife and don't want a divorce.

Edit UPDate: i came home during lunch saw on the bank app she stayed in a hotel. When i got home from work I broke, I called texted, face book im- no answer. I checked the bank app but she changed password. Driving to bank to see if i was cleaned out. EDIT 2 UPDATE: I went to the bank and the statement I got was pretty close to what it should be. She has not cleaned me out and I still have access to the account. When I tried calling her it went to voicemail and sounded like it does when she is in Mexico so she is probably with her parents at this piont. When I was able to check the bank statement earlier today I showed that she had stayed at a hotel a few blocks away. I have been just acting like an automaton did driving around in circles, going to the mountain etc. Just a general feeling of restlessness and uncertainty with what will happen. Most of the comments here say get a divorce and I know that I can happen but I am not at that point yet and hope that she will come back. It has only been one day and I do not want to rush and assume its all over. I will update with new info if she responds.

4 years, 1 month agoBeachHockey posted on tifu.
Aug. 25, 2015

> I don't know how to react to a divorce over something so trivial and dumb

This is not trivial and dumb. This is serious. You've been used and abused. It reminds me of what I've gone through with my own mother.

When I was three years old, my mother's family member sexually abused me. My mom upon finding out did not support me at all and chewed me out at 3 years old because apparently it was my fault. Over the years my mother has done a lot of hurtful things to me including telling me that God hates me.

That might not sound like your situation but my mom controlled my life and emotionally blackmailed me in much the same way as your wife did to you. Control & emotional blackmail is a terrible thing to put up with and isn't a dumb or trivial reason to get a divorce.

In my case, I finally left my mom when given an ultimatum (kinda like your situation your wife).

I was living at home like Ted so I could go to college and not pay rent, but unlike Ted I was actually wroking part time to pay for my tuition. Also unlike Ted I did a huge amount of chores around the house. My mom, who is a housewife and has plenty of time to do chores, was lazy like Ted and would tell me she couldn't do chores because she had to paint her nails or the dog was sitting on her lap. Always an excuse, so I was a full-time student, part time worker, and I did chores to earn my keep while my mom had the easy life (she did do a small amount of work, but very small).

On top of me doing the chores around the house, it was never good enough and my mom would yell at me over anything including - I kid you not - opening the box of crackers the wrong way. That was how serious her control issues were.

Finally a break through happened when my mom lied, and I called her out on it. She couldn't take that and had to exert her control over me by telling me to admit to her that she was correct when I knew she was lying. That's when she gave me the ultimatum - do as she says or pack my bags.

I packed my bags - I was given only 24 hours to get out. She informed me that our relationship was over. Like you, I was very hurt at first, and for a whole month I was on the edge as far as my nerves were concerned.

Since that happened, though, I have been a whole lot happier. I think it will be tough for you at first if your wife goes through with the divorce, but after a while you will realize you are better off without your wife just like I'm better off without my mom.

My cousin sent me This Book to help me with everything that is going on. Regardless of how things turn out with your wife, I highly recommend it.

Good luck to you, bro!

Have you ever noticed a severe flaw in your personality and changed it (i.e. passive-agressiveness)? [R]

4 years, 2 months agoDoctorMinka posted submission on AskWomen.
Aug. 4, 2015

I struggle with the flaw of shyness, but I've become more outgoing, though it's tough.

Have you ever noticed a severe flaw in your personality and changed it (i.e. passive-agressiveness)? [R]

4 years, 2 months agojust_a_friENT posted submission on AskWomen.
Aug. 4, 2015

I struggle with the flaw of shyness, but I've become more outgoing, though it's tough.

4 years, 2 months agojust_a_friENT posted on AskWomen.
Aug. 5, 2015

I think it's this one by Dr. Henry Cloud.

Don't want an arranged marriage [R]

4 years, 2 months agoAug. 2, 2015

[deleted]

4 years, 2 months agoTheCrimsonGlass posted on self.
Aug. 2, 2015

You will have to become independent from them completely. Living on your own, making your own money, paying your bills, etc. They can't make you do anything you don't want to do if they don't control any part of your life. This will be hard for both you and them. It's entirely possible they will hate you for it, but you've got to do what you feel is right.

If you don't mind a strongly Christian perspective, I highly recommend reading the book Boundaries by Dr. Cloud. It's a little dated (a lot of examples are very obviously from the 80s/90s), but it's a very good book.

Should I shun my mother-in-law? [R]

4 years, 3 months agoinviscidfluid posted submission on socialskills.
June 22, 2015

She is constantly expecting free labor out of me in the form of cutting grass, the dishes, washing her car, buying her groceries, free rides in my car, or painting her shed like its some kind of entitlement and she will yell and even sometimes cry for pity when I refuse her.

She is very able-bodied and can do it herself. She doesn't work, but she constantly badgers her husband about his income.

She has started to nag me the same way when I visit about a big laundry list of tasks including washing her car, painting, cutting palm trees and doing her actual laundry.

The last time I visited with my wife I refused her long list and decided to go for a walk instead, so she started trying to insult my masculinity saying I wasn't real man because she is an elderly woman. I always think that if she wasn't so mean I would be happy to help her with things.

All of the men in her house are obese and scared of her. They jump straight to work at the snap of a finger.

She has never really helped me with anything except for popping out my wife and she always just sits and drinks beer whenever I have agreed to help her in the past.

Recently I heard her talking to my wife about me gaining weight and that "once a man starts getting lazy he's no good..." or something like that. In reality, my wife and I have both gained a little.

Should I cut ties with her, or is she acting the way an in-law should?

My wife doesn't like her much either. The only reason we visit is to see the father-in-law because he's a decent person and doesn't expect me to impress him all the time.

How do I make that ache in the pit of my stomach go away? My Rhapsody of blue :( [R]

4 years, 5 months agoChees_a_saurus posted submission on stepparents.
May 13, 2015

I am SM of 5 years 14 y/o SD who lives about 900 miles away. Over these past 18 months, our relationship has become progressively more distant. I feel as if outside influences-BM and my MIL( yes, my current MIL) are making matters even worse. The relationship that my DH has had with BM has always been a little tense (she's type A and a bit of the controlling type, and he just goes with the flow. He doesn't like to 'rock the boat'). Since we live OOS (he's military), my MIL has primarily been the representative of his side of the family.

Over the years, BM and my MIL have become fairly close, which is a good thing, right? However, relationships have become strained and it's breaking my heart. Last summer, me, DH, SD, my 4BD (one being SD half-sis), and MIL & her husband went to the beach for about a week. My SD had been visiting us for about 2 weeks prior the the vacation. We arrived to the beach a day later than MIL, and when we show up, BM and her husband are there, without warning. This obviously causes tension. They leave the next day, and the rest of the week was a skosh awkward. The second-to-last day of our trip, SD and I had gotten into an argument in regards to her talking back to me after I had calmly asked her multiple times. MIL and DH were present, but when SD threw out the "you're not my mother," DH heavily jumped in. MIL then rolled her eyes, huffed and went into her bedroom. After about 10 minutes, SD went to her room and was soon joined by my MIL (who was crying) and was shocked by how anyone "could be so vicious" to her granddaughter (MIL said these things to SD). Things haven't really been the same since.

I've apologized to SD for losing my temper and she had apologized to me, but as time goes by, she and I get more and more distant. I understand that teenagers become distant--my BD is 16 and loves her space-- but I truly feel like this distance is fueled by BM and MIL.

BM and MIL unfollowed me on Facebook. DH ad I no longer get pictures of SD or updates. I text my SD almost daily (frequently without response), I FB message her with neat things that make me think of her. I send her a lootcrate monthly, and frequently send her cool things that I pick up that make me think of her. I reached out to SD in an email about 3 weeks agao asking her if I could come down to visit her and meet her friends (just me, no kids or DH), and she texted me back a week later with "No. Sorry." She didn't call me on text me on mother's day, either. I had mentioned this to BM (after my mother's day text to her) and asked her to tell SD that I loved her. No response from BM or SD.

I know that the universe is slapping me in the face, SCREAMING at me that "NO ONE LIKES YOU!" God, it still hurts. It cuts like a knife. DH feels like BM and MIL are not worth his time, but since SD is pushing away-hard-he leaves her alone. He will occasionally not text/talk with SD for 2-3 weeks. I am probably trying too hard, but when I do happen to see BM or MIL Facebook posts about SD, my heart aches so very much :(

4 years, 5 months agoChees_a_saurus posted on stepparents.
May 15, 2015

>Thank you so very much for /u/Cheesasaurus[1] !

Aww. I needed to hear that today. Thank you! :D

>Actually, this past February, we took a trip to Disney with my side of the family. We returned BM custody of SD on our way back from Disney on a Saturday night. That next day, we were making our way back home, and we get a phone call that SD had left her laptop and HW with us--which she did. BM called us, was very cross, and demanded that we take photos of the HW and email them to her. We did. Then, he and I dropped her stuff off at a FedEx store and shipped it. About 30 minutes later, we receive another call asking for more pictures (we sent her what she had requested) and informed her that we had sent the laptrap their way. She had asked us to turn around and go fetch the laptrap and send more pictures. By that time, we were stuck in traffic with a crying baby and told her that we couldn't go back, but we would be more than happy to email her teacher to let her know what was going on. Nope. I REALLY cared about SD then I would turn back. Viciously. Over and over. Arguing ensued and I ended that conversation. With that recent argument with BM, and the beach trip last year, I feel as if BM has given SD enough ammo to hate me. Or, maybe I gave enough ammo.

With this scenario, the you and DH chose to take the bullshit that SD and BM were flinging at you. Get clear on that. A relationship with SD does not mean that you have to have one with BM. BM would like you and DH to think that this sort of interaction with her is normal and necessary, but it is not. It is up to you to push her out of the role that she has assumed.

You and DH let SD and BM order you around. Stop and think about the rest of the relationships in your life: would you and DH allow anyone else to treat you that way? To order you around and then jump to meet that person's demands? The only time this would be appropriate is in a boss/employee relationship. And even then, if your boss screwed up and then disrupts your personal life to make you run around to fix their mistake, you'd be resentful about it, right? So why was what happened in any way ok? Why did the two of you allow it in your personal life, and, worse, why did you do what they ordered you to do?

This empowered them. You two don't owe them anything, and acting out of guilt and thinking that it is okay for a teenage girl and her mother (someone you have no relationship with) to order you around is part of the problem. It's not okay. It's never okay.

We teach people how to treat us. You guys have some toxic people in your life, and you have effectively taught them to mistreat you by tolerating it when they have done that. It is time to reverse this by not allowing mistreatment anymore.

This was the moment when the target went on your back. DH inadvertently helped to put it there by not demanding that the two of you be treated with respect. Ranting and raving and demanding from BM is not appropriate, nor is it necessary to put up with it. If she's bitching on the phone, hang up. Simple as that.

And when SD was bitching, DH should have read her the riot act. It was her mistake to leave the laptop and homework. You understand she's stressed out about it, but to be nasty to the two of you and order you around to make up for a mistake that she made is quite ridiculous. Especially when you were just kind and generous enough to take her on a freaking vacation. You did more than enough by taking pictures and interrupting your trip home to get those things in the mail to her, and she was totally lacking in gratefulness.

Why did you and DH put up with abuse from a teenager; worse, why did you listen to her and let her order you around? This attitude is insanity. I think you sort of know that, but not fully, because you told this story here for a reason. Make a habit of listening to your gut.

You and DH need to talk about it and come up with game plans. DH is your defense. A stepparent cannot be happy with a surly stepchild and an overstepping angry BM unless DH puts up firm boundaries about how he will allow you to be treated. You are his chosen life partner, you are the mother of his baby, and he needs to stop allowing BM, SD, and MIL to walk all over you. You have no power right now, and he holds all of it with these three individuals. From now on, DH needs to understand that actions have consequences. DH should immediately cut off communication with BM to compel her to behave if she has something to say. The same should happen with MIL. SD is a little more difficult; he needs firm boundaries with her. However, he will struggle. Many divorced dads whose exes have majority custody are terrified to have rules or discipline their child. Hopefully DH understand that this attitude will actually alienate SD, or create an entitled monster unable to deal with the real world. Good parenting = rules and boundaries, even when it doesn't feel good.

The more you and DH put up with, the more garbage these people will throw your way. Put up firm boundaries, be prepared for some temper tantrums when the abusive people learn about those boundaries, but keep the boundaries up. No exceptions or the two of you will never be taken seriously.

>Can I ask you another question? DH and I have a two year old, and since there is such distance right now, MIL hasn't seen the 2y/o since October. Now, she hasn't reached out to us, but we haven't really reached out too much, either (on the exception of birthday/holiday phone calls and cards, both ways). Should I reach out to her? I don't want her to feel as if I'm withholding her grandbaby, but through all of this drama with my SD, I feel like she is expressing her want to not associate with us. What do you think?

If I may say so, you seem to have some people pleasing tendencies. If MIL is being nasty to you, what makes you think she'd be nice to your child? The fact that she hasn't reached out very much is very telling. You aren't withholding the child, MIL just isn't demonstrating much interest. I understand that's upsetting, and you'd very much like your baby to have a loving and involved paternal grandmother. Instead, accept the reality that is and grieve the loss for your child. MIL has some screws loose, and chances are if she is trying so hard to blame and exclude you, your child will be viewed as lesser than and be treated as such. I don't know for sure, but MILs who act like yours and want to "protect" the original children from the "big bad evil stepmother who can do no right" usually fit into this behavioral mold. We had a hysterical one of these posting here over the weekend if you'd like to search for those to see the viewpoint of a protective and projecting grandmother and how the stepmother cannot win.

You aren't withholding her grandchild and MIL's actions have consequences. If she wanted to reach out to you, she could. Instead, she's acting like a first class b*tch to you. Why chase after her seeking her acceptance when she is already behaving in such a rotten manner? Do not put yourself and your child out there for more abuse. If she reaches out, you can tentatively put your child out there, and see how she reacts. If she ignores your child, or if she is mean or invalidating in some way, abort mission because the signs could not be clearer that she'll be projecting her issues onto your child, too.

Do you know about boundaries? If not, this is a good book to read. (It's got a religious bent, but the information is still valuable if you take out the "god" pieces if you're not religious). People who have been trained to be people pleasers often lack boundaries, especially with toxic people. My SO totally lacked them with toxic BM, and didn't even know they were a "thing." He was taught by his messed up mother to not only tolerate people who are mean to him, but to try to make them happy. I bet you have some similar training in your history, because it doesn't make sense that you still want the approval of people who are mean to you and reject you.

My SO didn't understand this: The thing is that toxic people look for people with no boundaries to mistreat. Most people who allow themselves boundaries with others leave the lives of toxic people, so toxic people really can only maintain (really fucked up) relationships with people without boundaries. For example, in another world, if I met SO's ex-wife somewhere, I'd see the crazy eyes from a mile away and steer clear of her. The reason she targets him over and over is because he is one of the few people who puts up with her crazy. There's a reason she's lonely. There's a reason people leave her life. He's the one who stayed because of his own lack of boundaries, because being mean to him activated a people pleasing tendency. Everyone who has boundaries noped the hell out of there with toxic people.

This situation you are in is showing you that you've got some work to do on yourself to grow as a person. Work on your confidence and being okay with being you and listening to your gut instincts, learn about boundaries (internal and external) because you guys desperately need some, work on your tendency to people please and chase the acceptance of people who hurt you, and read Stepmonster with your DH and learn more about the role you're in and why trying harder is a losing proposition. Stepmonster will validate you, and it will help your DH understand your dilemma, too. Oftentimes the bioparent just assumes that if there's a problem, it's because the stepparent isn't trying hard enough. He needs to let go of that misconception to avoid setting up future conflict or resentment between the two of you!

How to rebuild myself after divorce [R]

4 years, 6 months agospecialgrumbler posted submission on TwoXChromosomes.
March 23, 2015

I'm in the process of going through a separation/divorce. Life feels pretty... crap right now. Does anyone have any recommendations of good self-help books? I've never delved into the genre before, but would be interested to now in the hopes of rebuilding some self confidence and self esteem.

Equally books on how to break yourself of bad communication habits? As in, how to I learn to speak up and say "no you can't talk to me like that".

Thanks!

Maybe this is a tall order, but I am hopeful someone has a suggestion or two.

4 years, 6 months agospecialgrumbler posted on TwoXChromosomes.
March 23, 2015

Boundaries, this book has helped me SO much. It helped with self-esteem somewhat as well because I finally felt like I could say NO. Edit: Forgot to note it has a lot of "christian" talk in it. I just ignored it and applied it to my life and it was fine.

What does it look like to forgive those who don't think they did anything wrong? [R]

4 years, 7 months agoextispicy posted submission on Christianity.
March 4, 2015

This has been an ongoing struggle for me. I know that we're supposed to forgive, but I feel like the only forgiveness I understand is when someone is really sorry for what they did, or when I can somehow understand how they might have thought what they were doing was ok.

But I'm dealing with family stuff right now, and I just don't have either of those. I know we're supposed to forgive, but I don't know where to start when a parent has said many mean, hurtful things to you, treats you rudely and like you're a rebellious little child for not doing what they say, and seems to genuinely think they're not doing anything wrong.

Where do you even start on forgiving? I try to pray for her but it just ends with me feeling angrier as things are called to mind. I want to put the past behind us and at least let there be a chance, but I don't know where to begin.

4 years, 7 months agoextispicy posted on Christianity.
March 5, 2015

I'm in the middle of a divorce at the moment, so many of the behaviors you mention hit close to home. What I read in your post and what I'm experiencing myself is not just that this person has failed to recognize that they have done something hurtful, it is that they continue to do it. I don't think it is time for forgiveness yet. To me, forgiveness means that I am going to shelve my hard feelings and allow us both the gift of a fresh start. But how do you offer a fresh start for every single interaction?

I'm going to recommend a book which I hope is the 'everyday' version of a marriage book my therapist recommended called Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No. A concept that really stuck with me was 'You get what you tolerate', which I took to mean that if you allow someone treat you a certain way they take that as permission to continue. My late night advice would be that more than forgiveness, what you need is to start standing up for yourself. I think being able to say, "If you continue to speak to me this way, I'm going to go home early" will do more to heal your relationship than giving them a get out of jail free card.

Struggling on whether I should move in with my bf or not. [R]

4 years, 8 months agoFeb. 16, 2015

[deleted]

4 years, 8 months agoTheCrimsonGlass posted on Christianity.
Feb. 16, 2015

Just be sure you both maintain strong, healthy boundaries while you're living together premarriage. It will not be easy, but keep praying for the strength to get through it. If you haven't read it, I strongly recommend the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud. Good luck!

a good psychology book to help make better decisions in life? [R]

4 years, 8 months agoFriend_Seeker posted submission on Advice.
Feb. 1, 2015

Hi good people. Please advice me some good books to read about psychology. THe questions which I have concern my relationship and my decision-making process. I am not seeking for any concrete advice on my problems, but I would love to read general books on the subjects before consulting a therapist, which I cannot do now for some reasons.

So the general description of the problems which I face is: I feel like a lot of major decision that I take are making my life worse. Like I intentionally want to make my life more difficult and bring more obstacles or bad feelings. Just a few examples: * I have been in a relationship for the past 2 years, and I have tried to split up with my boyfriend for about 5 times during this period. I honestly tried to work out the problems which we might have had, at first, but then I always reacted in the most destructive way. * Also, I recently quit my job and I was having troubles of identifying what I would like to do next. So after searching for a job for about 1-2 months, I decide that the best way would be to move to another country (!), take a first job I find and try to live and find myself here. Who does that? * Or another example: I have been a humanitarian for all my life, being quite a promising in languages and literature in general. Yet I thought I have to learn more about exact sciences, so I went to study economics instead of languages. So in order to prove to myself that I can do maths, I chose the whole different major than my brain would like to.

It looks like I am trying to punish myself or to chose the most difficult way all the time. I hope I could read what do clever people have to say about it? Where does it come from??

4 years, 8 months agoFriend_Seeker posted on Advice.
Feb. 1, 2015

Is forgiving really forgetting CUZ I can't forget the abuse. Please help. [R]

4 years, 8 months agoTheCrimsonGlass posted submission on Christianity.
Jan. 27, 2015

Let me explain.

My mom has verbally and physically abused me my entire life. Even after I got married and moved away, there was always some sort of emotional/verbal abuse.

Just a few examples. I had our first son. She never had time to come visit us (we lived an hour away), but she had time to drive three hours past our house to go to some church function. This really hurt when I found out about it. When asked, she said she's was too sick to stop by. Seriously? But you weren't too sick to drive 6 hours and stay the weekend out of town. / And before you ask why we didn't see her - we try but we are always un allowed due to her filled up schedule. We might get to see her twice a year. She's too busy for us with her social life.

Another example. My mom is very controlling. She has held my dad hostage and controls when and who he sees. I was never able to talk to him, so my husband bought him a cell phone and mailed it to them. We are also concerned, as they drive a lot, that it would be nice for them to have a phone in case of car problems. Anyhow, my mom made my dad mail it back to us. This really hurt. When I asked why, in s letter, dad said he had to in order to keep the peace. I still can't talk to my dad without her approval.

Another example: Big Thanksgiving weekend at her house party. Entire family going. We called to RSVP and were told we would have to stay at a hotel with our two boys. What? Her house is very large and she had more than enough spare rooms. We even told her we could sleep on the floor. When I asked why, we were told we RSVP'd too late. WHAT? I'm her daughter.

Another example: I was constantly spanked and beaten as a child by whatever she could find: belt, sticks, hair brush, cutting board. Once I was beaten when I did not want to eat my carrots. I could go on for hours, but I think you have the idea.

Other examples: We can't ever go to her house without making plans months in advance. I never understood why she was this way. / She constantly has sheets all over her furniture when we visit, as if we are nasty people. We are extremely clean people because she taught me to be spotless. This makes us all feel bad about ourselves, especially when she shares photos of famous people being at her house, on her furniture, with no sheets. I ask you, are these famous strangers more important than her flesh and blood? / My brother ended a bad marriage in divorce. Well, he was the Spawn of Satan in her eyes for doing this and I had to endure months of her crying phone calls about how my brother had destroyed our family.

She was also always sick and on some type of drugs. She did have stents of being nice and normal, but now looking back I think she might have had multiple personalities or maybe something else CUZ she could be happy and then just flip.

Life has been so hard with her. Every time she would call me, she would say very hurtful things and I would go into depression for weeks. After years of this my husband and I decided that it would be in my best interest to have a meeting with her about her behavior and try to works these things out. This was prayed about weeks before she came over and she denied everything we discussed, never said she was sorry, then proceeded to blame my dad for everything. I became a little unglued when she started blaming my dad for things she had done. She finally said with disgust, "Well...I have never been spoken to like this and I am not going to sit here and take this." She told my dad to take her home and that was 8 years ago.

She has always been controlling, and would steam roll over people to get her way. I guess she didn't like being called out on bad behavior.

Honestly, since she is out of our lives I have been more at peace and happier than I have been my entire life. I feel like I am finally able to blossom into a loving child of God.

MY QUESTION: I have forgiven her in my heart, but my mind can't ever forget all the abuses I endured growing up with. Just like you don't forget how to spell certain words even though you haven't written them in awhile. Does this mean I have not forgiven her, because I can't make my mind forget? Does this mean that I won't go to Heaven? Am I wrong? Does forgiving someone 70 x 70 mean that I am to accept their abuse even though it is physically and mentally hurting me? I don't know how to come to terms with all of the scripture in the bible that tells you to let people hurt you over and over and over again. How could a loving God tell Christians to allow other people to continue to hurt them and we are supposed to forgive them and let them hurt us again.

4 years, 8 months agoTheCrimsonGlass posted on Christianity.
Jan. 27, 2015

Forgiving is not forgetting. I highly recommend the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud. It goes into this subject with great detail, and it helped me get through some very difficult times with my narcissistic mother.

In-Laws trying to get us to divorce [R]

4 years, 9 months agoDec. 23, 2014

[deleted]

4 years, 9 months agoorangeunrhymed posted on TwoXChromosomes.
Dec. 23, 2014

There's a Christian based book called Boundaries that might help you with his family, check it out.

Im 19. Ive come to realize my siblings and I have been/are being abused by my parents my entire life, i have anxiety/depression/bipolar disorder and just broke up with my girlfriend of a year(that I love) because I don't like the person I'm becoming. [R]

4 years, 10 months agoMsKim posted submission on DecidingToBeBetter.
Dec. 21, 2014

I have no idea where to start, but I want to get better. Has anyone been here before? I need a plan, I have to catch up on life/everything.

4 years, 10 months agoMsKim posted on DecidingToBeBetter.
Dec. 22, 2014

It looks like more of a place to vent. Im guessing therapy and doing your own research would be the "fix it" step. Ive heard good things about this book.

Husband left. I'm so lost, alone, afraid. [R]

4 years, 11 months agoNov. 17, 2014

[deleted]

4 years, 11 months agops2k posted on TwoXChromosomes.
Nov. 18, 2014

This is a great book to let you know that it is ok to cut people off who are harmful to your family. Highly recommended. Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1416338916&sr=8-1&keywords=boundaries

I [f26] am seriously considering cutting all contact with my mom [f52] for the remainder of my/her life. [R]

4 years, 11 months agops2k posted submission on TwoXChromosomes.
Nov. 17, 2014

My relationship with my mom is 'strained' to say the least. I can honestly say I haven't had a single positive experience with her in the last 10 years - 50% of the time we're neutral, 50% she's humiliating me or sabotaging me in some way. Tonight was one of many 'incidents' and I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. I don't care whether she's consciously doing it or not. I'm just done.

The first 15 years of my life, she was lazy with absolutely no ambition. My dad worked 60+ hours a week to provide for her, she stayed at home stoned on prescription meds. (her best friend died suddenly when they were 24, she has been on anti-depressants, anxiety meds, etc. ever since) She cheated on my dad when I was about 10, but that's another story. They're still together.

She was self-centered, but I still felt like she had my best interests at heart. She still wanted me to do well in school, she supported in my childhood interests and activities. When I got my first boyfriend at 15, this all changed completely. The first time I had him over for dinner, she asked him completely inappropriate questions (ie. money, religion, sex) and just generally made him feel uncomfortable. She told him unflattering stories about me and highlighted my worst traits whenever possible. He dumped me 2 days later without explanation.

This story has repeated itself 20 times over throughout my life. Every. Single. Boyfriend I've EVER had. With my current boyfriend of 5 years, I had the sense not to introduce him to her for 1.5yrs and prefaced him extensively about her. Even so, the first time they met was an absolute trainwreck. I eavesdropped on a conversation he had with his friend a few days later, and he acted like it put our entire relationship into question. I remember him asking me if she'd been like this her whole life or if it was an abrupt change. I think she freaked him out, and he was worried that I'd turn out like her.

Her shitty behavior isn't just confined to my love life. She's constantly competing with me and trying to one-up me. I buy a new outfit? She'll buy a similar one but more expensive. Bf buys me a new watch for my bday? She went out and bought one for herself days later. I finance a new car? Within a month she gets one too. Whatever she buys, it ALWAYS has to be nicer than mine. This wouldn't be so frustrating if she earned it like I have, but she's just spending my dads hard earned money. She recently lost a bunch of weight and now wears a smaller size than I do, which she likes to point out whenever possible.

Last night my parents and my boyfriends parents met for the first time. I was fully prepared for it to be a disaster, and of course it was. My boyfriends parents are reminiscing about him being a handful in high school. Stories of general teenage mischief, like being caught with beer or cheating on a test at school. My mom tells them that I caught GONORRHEA in high school, then implied that I caught it during a threesome with two guys. (unfortunately the STD part is true, but it was from a guy I'd been dating for 3 months... he and his friend slept over once after getting too drunk at a party, she apparently thinks I slept with them both) My boyfriends prim-and-proper parents looked completely disgusted, my boyfriend looked like he was going to throw up. As if that isn't enough, as we're getting the bill for dinner she starts grilling my boyfriend about not having proposed to me yet after 5 years. He barely spoked 5 words to me on the drive home, and holed himself up in the basement for the night without talking to me.

It's now 514AM and I haven't been to sleep. I'm going to call in sick to work tomorrow and take a mental health day. Writing this post has been cathartic, but I'm hoping some of you in similar situations will weigh in too. If you were in my shoes, would you cut this toxic person from your life? Keep in mind that by doing so, I will also be limiting the amount of time I will see my dad, who is someone I love and admire.

Thank you

4 years, 11 months agops2k posted on TwoXChromosomes.
Nov. 17, 2014

I highly recommend the book Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454

Moving in together 3 months before our wedding. Her parents are not happy whatsoever. [R]

4 years, 11 months agoSillyToni posted submission on Christianity.
Nov. 9, 2014

Hey /r/Christianity,

For a little background information, I'm a 30 year old guy and she's a 24 year old girl and we're getting married in April 2015. We've been together a bit over two years now and have been best friends ever since we met.

We have not had sexual intercourse. We are saving that for our wedding night.

We both consider ourselves Christian, although I admittedly don't like the religious aspect of it as much as just the "I love God" aspect of it.


Neither of us are extremely happy with our living situation. I'm ~36 miles from work and she's renting a small room in a dirty house with two friends. We stay with each other quite often, but neither of our places are built for more than one person.

We signed a lease starting in January, which will be able three months before our wedding. We talked a lot about it and shopped for the right place for awhile before committing to this lease.

Her parents were extremely upset upon her telling them our plans as they say it goes against God and God's plans for us.

A few days back, her mom admitted that she and my fiancèe's father had moved in together two months before they got married, which was actually one month before they even got engaged. When my fiancèe asked her father if they lived together before marriage he said, "That isn't relevant. I don't need to bear my sins to you."

That kind of thinking bothers me greatly as they're casting stones after being guilty of the exact same "sin." And then instead of being open and discussing how their experience worked for them and talking to their 24 year old daughter like an adult, he skirts the issue and says he doesn't need to "bear his sins."

Their argument seemed to be based in "abstaining from the appearance of evil." To me, that's almost a cop-out that you can apply to anything to gain "advantage" in a discussion. It's very legal in that there are tons of things that could have the "appearance of evil" if you just use that phrase to win your argument. Walking into a bar? Seeing a concert of non-Christians? Putting a soda into a brown paper bag?

To my knowledge, there isn't anything in the Bible about cohabiting prior to marriage, only to try to avoid the temptation to sin. For us, only two months away from our marriage and plenty-o'-sex, why would we be more tempted than we already are? Why would we give in to a temptation that has been around for years only three months before being married? We've waited this long, another three months is nothing.

Am I wrong in my thoughts?

4 years, 11 months agoSillyToni posted on Christianity.
Nov. 9, 2014

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. :) And also on your restraint. ;)

Sounds like your father in law can be a bit judgmental and difficult to deal with. Especially considering you called him out on his own behavior and instead of manning up to it and discussing it rationally with you he basically said he was above you and doesn't need to talk to you like a human being. Sad.

My thoughts on this are, you will have to deal with this man for a lifetime. And you do not want to make your wife miserable by starting anything with her father. However, in your life together you and your new wife will be making decisions as a unit - the two of you. It is really your fiancé who needs to be able to establish boundaries with her family about how much of their advice she is willing to take. (This is all tangential to the main issue you raised... about cohabiting... which to me isn't that big a deal especially considering your reasons for doing it. I'm more thinking about the general trend in the leaving and cleaving and how that's going to shake down in the upcoming years.)

There is a good book I really recommend - not sure if the father in law is the controlling type but if he is: http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454

Parents think I should buy a house... for my brother [R]

4 years, 11 months agoLiveLongAndFI posted submission on personalfinance.
Nov. 6, 2014

So I'm sitting on a little bit of savings (~25k), don't really have a plan for it at the moment except maybe to start an IRA. I make a little over 40k a year, contribute to my 401k to the maximum employer match, and pay only $250/m in rent to share a room in a house with my girlfriend and some other roommates. I have no loans, credit card debt, or car payments.

My parents think I should buy a house. The thing is housing is pretty expensive where I live, but my rent is super cheap. I'm not sure I'm necessarily settled enough to want to buy a house for myself at the moment, and it's expensive. My brother, however, lives in an area where housing is pretty cheap (Pittsburgh) but he pays a lot for rent, and doesn't make much money at all.

So my parents think it's a great idea for me to buy a ~100k house in Pittsburgh and rent it to my brother for slightly more than the Mortgage. They say that housing is usually a pretty good investment, and that I should be owning at this point in my life. They make it sound like it's all pretty simple and will almost definitely come out in my favor, that I'll just sell it later and get my money back. Personally, I'm not convinced it's so simple. I buy a house, pay closing costs, property taxes, upkeep, and technically be a long-distance landlord, doesn't sound like an amazing opportunity other than the chance to help my brother out. What do you guys think?

4 years, 11 months agoLiveLongAndFI posted on personalfinance.
Nov. 6, 2014

What if 5 years from now you want a house for yourself? You will not be able to get a second mortgage. Will you kick out your brother to sell that house? You might benefit from reading this book http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454

Convince my parents to let me move out at 18? [R]

4 years, 11 months agoOct. 30, 2014

[deleted]

4 years, 11 months agoMrwhitepantz posted on AskMen.
Oct. 30, 2014

I'm going to go a little against the grain here and suggest that you do actually involve your parents in this decision to move out. The caveat, however, is that you do not let them make decisions for you or try to convince them that you're ready to move out. Are you or your parents christians OP? If so, you and your parents absolutely, 100% need to read Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud. If not, the book has a lot of bible quotes and speaking about what god and jesus say about your relationship with others, but it's still a good resource for what you're about to do if you can struggle through that.

Next, you're going to make a plan and a budget. I'm going to lay something out here that assumes you are 100% reliant on your parents for everything at the moment, you'll need to adjust it to your situation.

  • Find an apartment. Not a house, an apartment. A duplex is okay, a room in another house alright too, but you do not need to buy a house right now, you're renting. They're probably going to ask you for a key, do not give them one. They will not respect your boundaries and you do not need your mother showing up unannounced while you've got friends over and then telling you that your place is a mess.

  • Assuming you get an aparment, find out what the utilties will look like. A lot of them require a down payment if you have no credit, find out how much it will be. This includes electricity and water/garbage if it's not included in your rent.

  • Food is the next thing to look at. It's probably difficult for you to judge how much food you're actually going to need each month right now, since you're not buying it. This is not going out to eat at a restaraunt money or ordering take-out money, this is grocery shopping money. Figure out what seems reasonable and write it down.

  • Figure out your transportation. Walking? Bus? Bike? Car? if you buy a car, pay for it in cash and if it's your first car, don't spend more than a month or two of your monthly take-home pay on it. Also, get some insurance quotes and figure out how much it's going to cost you to run the car. Typically, a higher deductible means a lower monthly cost, but you'll need to have an emergency fund for it.

  • Phone and internet are the next order of business. A lot of apartments only have one option for internet coverage, find out how much it's going to cost to you. If you're on your parents' phone plan, find out what it's going to take to get off of it, and then do it. If you're financially minded, you probably realize that it doesn't make much sense to get off of their plan vs just paying them for your portion, but this isn't about the money, it's about independence, and every way you rely on them is another way they have to control your life.

  • Finally, make list of everything you're going to need in a new apartment. Pots and pans, baking sheets, toilet plunger, toilet paper, laundry detergent, dishwasher detergent, plates, cups, bowls, silverware, etc. Goodwill is a great place to get a lot of this stuff.

Once you've got all of this written down, with a budget showing your expenses and income and how you're going to pay for things and you've found the apartment you want and everything, sit down with them and have a talk. This isn't a talk where you ask permission, this isn't a talk where you listen to their complaints or excuses, this is a talk where you tell them what you've planned and what you're going to do.

If they try to interrupt, which they will, tell them that you'll listen to their suggestions, not complaints, at the end; and do listen to them if they aren't just complaining and making excuses, because they're older than you and they had to leave home at some point and they have experience in the matter. Now you've asserted that you are capable of making your own decisions, and you need to stand by that, with luck, your parent's will see that you are ready to move out and you can get on with your day. If not, then you're just going to have to accept that your boundaries upset them, and that's okay because you've never set boundaries with them before, and these are the growing pains.

I [23/F] have been told by numerous people that I should leave my husband [29/M] but I am reluctant. Help? [R]

4 years, 11 months agoDistantRaine posted submission on relationship_advice.
Oct. 30, 2014

My husband and I have been married for 3 years, and were together for a year before that.

I want to leave him. But I have a number of things stopping me.

We have a house and a mortgage. We have a 7 month old baby. He has all the money, and I literally have none, because I haven't worked since having the baby, and he doesn't give me any unless I literally beg for it.

He isn't physically abusive, but he has been in the past. He is verbally abusive, and for some reason, he finds humour in making me upset. He argues with me in every decision that I make, even though he knows that I am right. He just wants to make things difficult for me, and he has even admitted that.

I always dread it when he comes home from work, because he always makes me feel that what I have done during the day isn't good enough.

When I was working (before the baby), I was working in a sales job, and he was working in hospitality. He would always make fun of me, because "sales isn't work". He now works in sales, and when I pulled that same line on him, he became abusive.

He has said and done so many things that are wrong.

He is Indian, and most Indians are brought up in a very family-oriented environment. When he first came to Australia, he was shocked at how different family values were here. The reason he married me was because I had similar family values that he did. However, since he married me, all he has done is take advantage of me, and everything my parents have offered.

I am extremely lucky to have the parents that I have. All they do is help me in any way, shape or form. When my husband and I bought our first house, they got it repainted, and moved us in with professional removalists. They also basically gave us all of the appliances and furniture too (fridge, washing machine, dryer, bed, lounges, etc.)

When I had the baby, we realised that the house was too small, and so my parents told us that we could move into one of their larger properties, sell our one and take over the mortgage on the other one. This property is twice the size of the previous one, more than twice the value, but my parents had paid the mortgage down so that it is essentially the same as what we were already paying, basically giving us over $200,000. I can never hope to repay my parents for everything they have done.

They paid for us to move across, had the carpets professionally cleaned, had this house repainted, and gave us more furniture, and new appliances to go with it. After moving in, we realised that the cold water in one of the taps wasn't working, and the washing line was broken. I told mum this, and she organised a plumber and a handyman to come out and fix them.

She asked if I could pay for the handyman, and she would pay for the plumber. I said that's fine.

The handyman came and fixed the washing line yesterday. I called my husband to ask if he could transfer some money to the handyman. His response - "You're fucking stupid!" After that, I promptly hung up the phone. He called me back about 5 seconds later, saying "Why the fuck did you hang up on me?" To which I replied "Because you called me fucking stupid, and I am done taking your crap."

He then denied it. He denied it twice more. Then he said "I didn't call you fucking stupid, I told you to tell your mum she's fucking stupid."

I have been putting up with this man's insults and negativity for years. So I called my mum and told her what he said. She took it surprisingly well, saying "He must be under a lot of stress". We kept talking, and after I finished talking to her, I called my husband back. I told him that I told mum what he told me to say. He responded by saying "Why the fuck did you tell her I said that?" And then I said "Well, you told me to." I then mentioned that mum wanted to come over that night to talk to us. He said "I'm not coming home then". So then I told him to grow up, take responsibility for what he said, and to stop being a man-child.

When he got home, he pretended like none of that happened. He was his usual cold self.

This is just one of the recent things. I have so many more stories that I could tell, but this is getting long, so I will get to the point.

I speak to my friends about him. I speak to one of my sisters about him. They all have the same opinion - If they were in this situation, they would dump him.

We are married. We have a daughter. I don't want to go through custody hearings, settlements, and all that other bullshit. But he says that he has to see our daughter every day, otherwise he can't face going to work.

Also, if he was to have some custody, I'm afraid that he would run off to India with her, and I would never be able to find her again.

At the moment, he is this family's sole source of income. I literally have to beg him for money to do the groceries. When he doesn't give me any, he wonders why there is no dinner on the table.

He wants me to go back to work. I am not against this, but at the moment, I am the only one who can take care of our daughter. She is breast-fed, and will not take a bottle, sippy-cup, or normal cup, so I am her sole source of hydration. She does have solids, but if I am away from her for more that an hour, she gets stressed. In my opinion, it is best for her if I stay home for a couple more months, and try to train her to drink from something that is not me...

I don't know how long I can continue to bottle all of this up, nor can I see the situation getting any better. We have been to counselling, but my husband thought it was a waste of time. In his opinion, I am the one who needs to change, not him.

He says stupid things like "I am your God", and "I hope when our daughter grows up she will slap you", and "I hope she doesn't turn out like you".

There have been so many times where I have bitten my cheek so hard to stop myself from saying something I might regret, or clenching my fists to stop myself from slapping him.

The main reason that I haven't left him yet is this - My daughter is the happiest when she can see both of us. She doesn't mind when he is at work, but she is clearly happier when he gets home. But I don't want her growing up in a household where her mother gets no respect.

If you have gotten this far, I thank you for reading this. I will try and answer quickly if you have any questions.

EDIT: Thank you for all your kind words and advice. But it is nearly 1am, and I am exhausted, so I am sorry if I don't reply for a few hours. I'm going to bed.

4 years, 11 months agoDistantRaine posted on relationship_advice.
Oct. 30, 2014

Just a thought... does it have to be divorce or stay in the same house with him? I think you need to make it clear to him that his behavior is unacceptable, but you might be able to do that without divorce (although, if you decide to leave him, I wouldn't blame you). I think there might be an in-between form - take your daughter and move in with your parents, but don't (necessarily) get a divorce. See how he responds: does he show any changes when you indicate how serious you are? Is he willing to go to marriage/couples counseling with you?

Also, you might want to try reading the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. It's on Amazon here.

The Bible says to Honor and Respect your parents. So what happens when you're in your early 20s and they're still helicopter parenting? [R]

4 years, 11 months agoOct. 27, 2014

[deleted]

4 years, 11 months agomrdaneeyul posted on TrueChristian.
Oct. 27, 2014

I suggest you pick up the book Boundaries, by Henry Cloud. It should help you understand your parents' motivations as well as how to handle the situation.

As you are an adult: respecting your dad doesn't mean that you can't make your own decisions. Honoring your parents doesn't mean they are allowed to control you. You will likely have to sit down with them and have some difficult conversations. You can do this in a loving and respectful manner, while at the same time setting healthy boundaries.

/u/jonathan_c asks if you're still living with them. If you are, and you can't work things out through respectful discussion, it may be worth getting your own place. This may be painful, but keep in mind that you can't control how your parents react--only how you act.

Looking for advice. Expectant father. Busy ministry life. [R]

4 years, 11 months agoTheCrimsonGlass posted submission on Christianity.
Oct. 24, 2014

Hi, I don't usually solicit advice from strangers but here goes. My wife is do in March and I am active in my church's college/young adults ministry. I lead the band and am part of the church board (where we plan series and services etc.). I admit that it does take a lot of time out of my day (I have a day job so all this stuff happens at night). I have board meetings on tuesdays 2 yes 1 no. Rehearsals every Thursday and service is on Fridays (which my wife also attends).

It's tradition in my church to take a 3-month break from ministry when you get married or have a kid and then ease back into ministry. I had a conversation/fight with my wife when I (happily) told her that my 3-month ministry leave was all set up. She assumed that I would completely drop the youth ministry forever when she gave birth.

I had thought about leaving the church board and just leading the band, but I don't know what kind of prescedent that would set with my family. I've been very active in ministry my whole life and I wouldn't really know what to do with myself if I wasn't. I agree that family is the most important ministry but I never thought I'd have to give up my regular ministry.

Advice is welcome. Thinking about this stuff gives me a panic attack, so maybe there's some bigger avoidance-issues at play here. I dunno.

Edit: gramurz and spehlin

4 years, 11 months agoTheCrimsonGlass posted on Christianity.
Oct. 24, 2014

I highly recommend reading the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud. It has a lot to say on subjects such as these.

"What's In Your Pocket." [R]

5 years ago[deleted] posted submission on raisedbynarcissists.
Oct. 2, 2014

Not a question, but a demand that you had long since grown used to. At any moment there looked to be something in your pocket, your mother would demand to know what. IF you were to deny her request she would find out eventually by either going through your entire car or room...

You are doing your work for you college classes, and your mother walks in. You and her start of with a decent conversation, but with wrong word choice, religion, or an ESL barrier(You can't tell anymore), it turns into argument. She yells, frustrated you raise your voice so she would listen for once, maybe she'll listen if you yell this time? This angers her, and she tells you something that she could of only gotten from one place... Your journal... By defiling that, which you hold safest, she uses it to accuse you of raping another girl.

One day you find that you no longer trust women. You seek comfort so you date a man, but that doesn't change the fact your lesbian. You hurt someone because you used them in a relationship. So you close yourself off from friends so you will no longer hurt.

You're alone. You eventually feel happy and don't let anyone let you down. Your parents divorce. You get diagnosed with ADHD(after years of begging to go to a psychologist, you knew something was wrong). Your grandmother is dying... Two weeks ago your mother told you she found a lump in her breast, you are over zealous at the news( Your thoughts scare you).

You are walking, it's October 2nd and you invited your mom to a walk to a local market for a snack. With everything that should be getting you down you feel fine, you actually feel normal... "What's in your pocket." she said. You took out the Starbucks card they give away for free music or apps, "Oh." She had a disappointed look on her face......

......The chemist in your brain accidentally turned too harshly and knocked down a tube of liquids, and the mixture they caused was absorbed by your brain. It came to you, all the ways in which your mother micromanages you, and drives you to depression, each memory loving and hating, everything... hits you. You imagine breaking her legs, throwing her onto a car, and other cruel and malicious things. You contain yourself but shake with rage, you become quiet, you're scared of yourself... I'm scared of myself. Being around her scares me. I never felt anger till I am with her.

Hi. I figured I'd introduce myself. [R]

5 years agoJustinJamm posted submission on CMH.
Sept. 19, 2014

I'm Vince (Not real name, but I like it. It sounds fancy and Italian). I'm a Nuclear Engineering student at an American College. I really enjoy reading about history. I also am the audio technician for one of my campuses Christian groups. And that's about all the information any of my "friends" seem to know about me.

Last year was a bit on and off in terms of my feelings, but the start of this new "school" year is just really bad. Everyone always tells me on these websites that being part of a group and being social will magically make everything better, but last night, at my Xtian group, I was there from 5-midnight. There are over a hundred people there. You know how many people talked to me about something other than audio stuff? Two. And one of them needed something from me. Whenever I try to talk to people, they seem to just ignore me or have the look of "ugh, when will this guy leave." And I try to talk to people, but I can't remember the last time anyone has invited me to do something. Well that's a lie. Last week some people I knew invited me to a party, and when I showed up, no one was there, and no one would respond to my texts. The only time I ever hang out with people it either involves tagging along with some other group (who usually ignore me), or significant convincing on my part.

I'll add more to this later, but my mom and nonni are visiting, so I need to go pretend to be happy for another few hours.

Hey reddit, my roommate (24F) and I (23F) need some help confronting our child of a roommate (24? F) about her behavior [R]

5 years, 1 month agokumachaaan posted submission on relationships.
Sept. 15, 2014

Update here!

Hello Reddit! My roommate (Dani) and I need some help on how to confront our 3rd roommate (Amber). I do not want to play the passive aggressive game and I definitely do not want this to go on any further.

Background:

Dani and Amber originally met on craigslist and have been rooming together for at around 1.5 years. The house that they are renting had a spare room and I moved in a few months ago. Dani and I work in the same company and we both travel a lot for work. In fact, I would say that I am only home for at most 2 weeks out of a month. Dani is on opposite schedule of me, so we rarely see each other. Amber used to be in school, and has recently gotten a 9-5 job.

Here are a list of grievances that I have about Amber:

  • She is incredibly selfish and inconsiderate. When she wants something, she wants it right here and now. It doesn't matter what the other roommates think/do.
  • She has no respect for my or Dani's privacy.
  • She definitely lives like she's the only person in the house.

Here are some examples of her behavior (to me) that I have found alarming. (Not sure how bad Dani has it, but from what I hear, it is just as bad):

  1. She has a habit of throwing her dirty things into the laundry machine, but never actually using said machine. When Dani and I want to do laundry, it's always a coin toss to see if there are gross socks/ stained towels in the laundry. Dani has talked to her about it before I moved in, but Amber refuses to change. She has told us that she expects us to fish her things out if we want to use the machine and her things are in there. (GROSS!)

  2. She has on about 3 occasions now, woken me up in the morning for random reasons. It always happens in a very aggressive and intrusive manner. She will pound on my door and then immediately open said door. While I am still in bed, she will walk into my room. I am not a morning person and it usually takes me some time to fully wake up and get rid of the fog in my head. The way she does this terrifies me (it's hard enough to get woken up by loud pounding noises, but a person stomping into the room while I am lying in bed in the dark is really scary!) One occasion, she was sweeping the kitchen and couldn't find the dustpan. Her immediately reaction was to wake me up (methods exactly as described above) and then rummage through my room for it. I didn't have the dustpan in the room so she left after searching through my things. We keep the dustpan in a corner by the fridge. I found the dustpan in the opposite side of the fridge later that day. I don't know why she didn't look for it there, why she thought I would have it and why it was so imperative that she had to wake me up for it.

  3. She will move or toss out our things. One time, I left on a trip for a weekend. When I came back, my milk was missing. I had only used the carton twice before this and I know for sure the expiry date was far away. When I texted her, she did apologize and said she thought I was going away for a long time. She "replaced" it with the tiniest sized milk bottle that a store will sell. (is this considered passive aggressive behavior?)

Anyhow, these are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to her :( I just came back last night from a weekend trip out of town. This morning, I was woken up by her hysterically asking me for my car keys so that she could jump her car so she wouldn't be late for work. (Her bf was there to jump her car but for some reason couldn't just take her to work) It was more like she woke me up, came into my room, and took my keys. Then, when I am about to prepare lunch, I find that more of my food is missing from the fridge. I track what I eat and I know for sure that I did not use it all. Today has only been half over and already it's not good ughhh!

Dani and I are both home today and I really want to use this time to talk to Amber. What is a good way of confronting her without coming off as aggressive? I don't want her to see it as Dani and I ganging up on her. I am concerned because Dani has been living with her for a long time but has never directly confronted her. I don't think Amber is a malicious person, she just seems unaware and inherently very selfish. I want to nip this in the bud because unlike Dani, I can't put up with it much longer. Thanks for reading and I would appreciate any advice you guys have!

TLDR: Roommate is selfish and does not respect normal boundaries. What is the best way for me to confront her about it? Should my other roommate join in or will it seem like we are ganging up on her? How do I voice it in a way that doesn't come off as an attack? I feel like face to face is best in this situation and playing the passive aggressive games would not lead to a good ending.

5 years, 1 month agokumachaaan posted on relationships.
Sept. 15, 2014

I've been where you are. I feel your pain. My counselor recommended this book to me and it sounds like you could use it too:

Boundaries by Henry Cloud

Need help with my Mother! [Rant][Advice] [R]

5 years, 1 month agowaffle_ninja posted submission on BabyBumps.
Sept. 7, 2014

I had to move back home with my parents after my ex and I split. There is a long story behind why we split which I won't get into, but it was for the better.

Anyway, ever since I've moved home my mother has been hard to handle. It started off with small things (before we knew the sex of my child) like 'I hope it's a boy. It would be so much better for me'. And 'Don't contact [ex], I don't want him in the babies life'.

At first I just dealt with it. Okay, mum is excited. But it's got to the point where I'm not dealing with it properly anymore. She recently posted a picture of the ultrasound of my child saying 'Eagerly waiting for this little guy to make his appearance!! Grandparenting will be so fun!! #grandson #excited #notlongnow'. This would have been okay if my dad, her and I hadn't agreed that nothing would go up of my child on social media because of the risk that [ex] would see. I hadn't posted anything, so what made it okay that she post something? I brought it up to my dad and he justified it by saying that she was just excited. He tells her to take it down, but she makes a huge fuss. I deal with it. Move on.

She constantly makes comments on how I want to breastfeed my son. She says 'Why would you want to breastfeed? Bottlefeeding is just as good. I didn't breastfeed with any of my kids' (she has three). The real comment that made me furious was when she said 'Well how am I supposed to bond with him if you're breastfeeding.' Um what? Seriously, why can't she just be supportive of what I want to do with my son. This is my child and I want to do what's best in my eyes and breastfeeding is one of them. Yes, I know she is a grandmother, but she doesn't have a say in what I do.

Then there's the odd comments. 'I will do whatever I want with my grandson'. 'I will take him wherever I want'. 'I will dress him in what I want'. 'I will pick him up if I want to'. When I got my license 'don't crash the car - you're holding my precious cargo'. I'm not a Christian but she claims that she will be taking him to church with her 'whether you like it or not' (she can't if I'm breastfeeding). But Ok.. deal with it.. I don't want to start shit because I'll get in trouble from my dad. (To clarify, I'm 21).

She also just walks up to me when I'm trying to relax and shakes my belly. I don't like people touching me at all and she knows that, but she thinks that because she is my mother she can just walk on over and shake my stomach to receive a reaction out of my son so she can feel him kick. There are literally times where I have to run away from her so she doesn't touch me. She just treats it like a joke.

The comment that she has said just recently that hurt me the most was when she claimed that she was going to have the first hold. I was devastated. I tried to laugh it off, and I did stand up for myself saying that she would not have the first hold. She laughed and said '-accessdenied, you know I wouldn't do something like that to you.' The thing is, she would if she could. Why would you even say something like that.

When I call her out on these things she gets spiteful and ignores me. Then it's my fault and twists it around and makes out as if I have told her she won't be in his life.

I didn't want anyone with me when I was giving birth but she demanded that she be there. Then she practically asked if she could cut the umbilical cord. It's like this whole pregnancy is about her, not about myself or my child. She also told everyone it was a boy before I could by the way.

I deal with these things but I'm coming to my wits end. How do I deal with this? Has anyone else experienced this before? It's really hard to be happy when she's constantly saying things like this. It's almost like she is trying to take over the 'mum' position. I'm sorry if this post was long and doesn't make sense. Just need help/needed to vent..

EDIT: I spoke to my dad this morning and it was really positive. We spoke about what has been going on and he explained a lot of things to me which opened my eyes up about the situation. My dad was incredibly supportive about what I was saying to him. He is also going to speak to my mum about all of this.

Firstly, the breastfeeding. I told him that I wanted to breastfeed. I was honest and told him that I thought it was for the better for both myself and baby. I told him about what my mum said and he said it's something that we can all work around. He said that he knows how important bonding is and it's an incredibly special moment. He did explain though, that there are ways of working around it, like expressing so that they can feed my son. My little sister has told me that she would really love to feed him too. I can compromise on that foot, but he said he will speak to her as it's my decision with what I want to do

Secondly, I told my dad that I needed to put my foot down about the C-section. If I do have one, which is possible, I don't want anyone there. I told him she can still cut the umbilical cord but I don't want her there for the rest. He said that ultimately it was my decision, and that's okay. And he will help me bring that up to her when the time is right.

My dad has come out and explained that the reason why my mum is like this (and I know it will seem unacceptable, I get that as it still ticks me off) is because when she was pregnant, my dad and her were completely rejected by both sides of the family. They moved out because of the lack of acknowledgement they would get - my aunty who fell pregnant 6 months after was showered in love and praise, all in front of my mum and dad. There is a bit more behind it but ultimately, she is like this because she feels she needs to over-compensate for what everyone did to her and my dad AND because I'm a soon-to-be single mum (so triple the amount of support and excitement in her eyes).

I know I still have my boundaries to put up, which I will be doing over the next 10 weeks that I have left to my pregnancy. Hopefully my mum will get the message with all of this and she will start to listen to both me and my father. I know in many parts it's my fault for letting it go on for this long, I just shrug it off. Thank you all! If I've failed to update in some parts, let me know and I'll clarify!

5 years, 1 month agowaffle_ninja posted on BabyBumps.
Sept. 8, 2014

I had to go onto anxiety drugs because of my family. My PCM at the time recommend a book Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life It helped to get me started in setting bounderies and eventually, I didn't need the medication any more.

I will warn, I haven't read the book in a while, but it does have some religious undertones in it.

Going home for the summer break. Need advice on standing up for myself and protecting my privacy (family treats privacy-breaching as perfectly normal). [R]

5 years, 2 months agoJuly 31, 2014

[deleted]

5 years, 2 months agoPsychoicy posted on AsianParentStories.
July 31, 2014

Oh man, where to start...

Here is the easy suggestion: 1. Can you stay at the said friends, professor, and co-worker?

Here is the hard suggestion: Develop better inner strength and personal boundary. Here is a short list. We are not all that different than domestic abuse victims, we tend to play down or rationalize the abuse and go back for more ("It will be different this time" or "I must give him another chance" or "I will do thing differently this time"). I am no saint myself. You need to confront the real reason why you are willingly participate your cycle of abuse, because all of the reason you gave for going back to live with them can be achieved by living with a friend, short term rental, or hotel. Despite how your privacy is important to you, you still decide to risk it (your mind is probably made up about living at home despite whatever I say) and hoping to band-it it with some quick fix.

Protecting yourself and your life take a lot of effort and a lot of inner strength. It is really hard and sometimes it hurts. Your family has not yet earnthe privilege of having you living at home. You are a precious person, your life your way, and if you don't see yourself as such, then you are only going to get hurt.

[Rant] Do you think it's rude to want people to call before showing up at your house? [R]

5 years, 2 months agorthomas6 posted submission on Parenting.
July 27, 2014

My mom and I just got into a fight because once again the topic of "Call before you show up" was brought up. She didn't show up unannounced, she just felt like today is the day to just have that talk via phone.

As I explained that its just rude to show up because you don't know if the occupant is there, if they are sleeping, if the baby is sleeping, if they are fighting, if they want company, if the house is in visiting shape. She starts responding down to me and saying, "You don't live in New York City, so you don't need to act like it."

Yes, we live in a very small town, but I never go anywhere without first asking if someone wants company because its just more polite. I've done this my whole life, not just since I had a baby. Then she starts harping that its my generation that started this and that something is wrong with my generation if we don't want people showing up. I was so floored and said, "Daddy doesn't show up without first calling." So she flips because, oh no, I brought my dad up in the conversation after they've been divorced for 20 years... And then finally ends her call with, "Maybe we just pity you because you never see anyone. No one ever goes over, and you never go see anyone." And that hurt, that really hurt. Ever since we had our daughter, no, we haven't been out and about every single day visiting and hanging out with people, but that's because we have a kid who I'd rather be home playing with than to be holding back from getting into everything at someone else's house.

All of this shit started because when we first gave birth 11 months ago, I got into an argument with my mom because not only would she not call before showing up, she would also just walk right through the door unannounced and the final straw was when she did that and our daughter was a sleep and my husband and I were heading to the bedroom to have some private time. I mean, before that it was just really annoying because I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep when baby was asleep, that time it was because if she were just a little slower she would have walked into our house and heared us having sex. And I TOLD her this during the argument when it wasn't getting through to her how rude that is. And she's not the only one that does this. My grandparents did this too all the time and I just said, "Can ya'll call before showing up so that we both understand if Alice is asleep or not" and they were just like, "Sure."

She just infuriates me and I don't know how to handle it, ecspecially since this all happened as I just just woken up and started making breakfast for my daughter, texted my husband and asked if he knew what time he would get off today seeing as he was on call and got called in, and all around just doing my fucking morning shit. So now I am upset and hurt and angry because she decided to provoke a reaction out of me for whatever her reason was for today.

/r/Parenting, you all are from all around the world, I just want to know if my request for simply calling before showing up, if that is unjustified, or if it isn't then how should I handle this situation since it apparently is going to pop up again and again, whenever my mother feels like bringing it up.

5 years, 2 months agorthomas6 posted on Parenting.
July 28, 2014

There's this book Boundaries that is extremely applicable to your current life circumstances. I am confident that this book will help you in some way. The only problem is that it has a pretty heavy Christian slant, so that can put people off. The actual advice is great regardless of your religious affiliation.

My parents have some boundary issues with me and my siblings, and when you're raised that way it's pretty hard to determine what is normal and acceptable. I used to do things out of guilt or for the sake of "not rocking the boat" almost daily. It took a long time to get to this point, but now I have a wife and a new son, and we're doing things our way. Also I still have a good relationship with my parents. If you're anything like me, misplaced guilt is a powerful tool that others can use to manipulate you. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about people showing up to their house without calling. This is your house, and it's your rules. It doesn't matter if you make people where purple hats when they come over-- you want something, you've made it clear what you wanted, and someone else is ignoring your wishes. You are 100% justified in feeling angry and indignant when someone violates your boundaries. It doesn't matter if they agree or understand. If they respect your decisions, they don't have to.

I'm sure you can think of a circumstance in which you do something with regards to your mother that you don't understand, but you do it because you respect her right to make rules about something in her domain of responsibility. You have that same right.

My photography business received an unwarranted negative review. Advice? [R]

5 years, 3 months agoJuly 11, 2014

[deleted]

5 years, 3 months agoLiveLongAndFI posted on photography.
July 11, 2014

You might wan to read book Boundaries it has 1055 4.5 reviews on Amazon.

Married RP'ers, how do you deal with a woman taking forever to get ready and you being late for an event? [R]

5 years, 4 months agoabsolv posted submission on asktrp.
June 10, 2014

Most guys in relationships have been there... "I need an hour to get ready" and it's already been an hour and a half, and you the guy, are just sitting on the couch, looking at your watch, watching TV when she comes bouncing down the steps shouting "OK, we gotta leave now!".

Typical guy reaction is eye roll, she knows your annoyed, but it's all played off as expected because "Hey I want to look beautiful, you should appreciate the effort I put in" even if they look absolutely stunning.

So I am curious how a Red Piller would handle that scenario. Please tell.

5 years, 4 months agoabsolv posted on asktrp.
June 10, 2014

If it has become a pattern then tell her you don't want to be late. You made a commitment to be somewhere at a specific time and if she's not ready at the appointed time you are going to leave without her.

There's a book called Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend (Christian authors) that I thought was good. http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454

i'd like to dedicate this to my MIL, who spent an hour this morning telling me how i'm messing up my kids and my life [R]

5 years, 4 months agoRadicaLarry posted submission on breakingmom.
May 31, 2014
5 years, 4 months agoRadicaLarry posted on breakingmom.
May 31, 2014

If you don't want your MIL making you unhappy for the rest of her life, you'll figure out a way to set some boundaries.

http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454

Unsolicited Advice. Yep. [R]

5 years, 5 months agoApril 23, 2014

I'll preface this by saying: I may roll my eyes at occasional unsolicited advice, but usually follow the typical suggestions for dealing with it: say "thanks" and move on. But the problem is that one of my in-laws thinks that I need daily, or often multiple-times-a-day "lessons." It is slowly driving me crazy.

I have a sister-in-law I've long known to be, well, a know-it-all. I started talking less and less to "Stacy" when I noticed that every conversation involved her asking me questions -- about how I do my laundry, wash my dishes, anything like that. I quickly learned that the answer didn't matter; she was going to throw some unsolicited advice my way. Sometimes, this was blatantly obvious advice ("You shouldn't use salt. We don't. It's high in sodium!"). Other times, it was slightly less patronizing, but every bit as annoying.

I've always found unsolicited advice rude. I grew up with a mother who thought it was her business to know everybody's business and tell them what to do, and I hated it. I find it incredibly disrespectful and patronizing...something I'm finding most of the world doesn't agree about, apparently. The only times I'd step in? If I thought someone was doing something dangerous, or if they explicitly asked for my help.

Now that Stacy knows about my pregnancy, the advice has ramped up like crazy. Every time she thinks of something "Helpful," she calls me, e-mails me or sends Facebook messages to "educate" me. Thankfully, she lives far away, but she's taken the opportunity during visits too ("You need to be educated on how to be a wife!" ...she told me while I was helping her make dinner and asked how she wanted something prepared. Apparently, this made me 'stupid,' teehee).

I see now that it's only going to ramp up as the pregnancy continues, and will surely continue for months or even years after. Everything my kid does will be compared to her kid. She's an expert now, having fired one out herself, you know. I have a feeling that my every attempt at teaching my kid to walk, talk, read, or even how I throw their birthday parties will be noted by my MIL and passed onto SIL, who will then "educate" me on how to do it correctly...you know, her way. Sadly, all of my predictions about their behavior have come true over the years.

I've tried so many tactics. At first, it was, "Oh, thanks." Then I realized that this was actually encouraging her to do more. Then I started saying, "Yes, I know how to do that," a bit curtly. This still didn't register, as she would continue blabbering on.

The humorous part of all of this is that just over a year ago, she was posting on her social media accounts how "sick" she was of everyone telling her what to do. I remember smiling at the time because she was finally getting a taste of the medicine she'd been doling out for years...which apparently didn't register in her head at all, as she continues doing it.

I have tried to side-step some of her questions that I find invasive (or that I see as her attempt to get an opening at telling me what to do), but she notices -everything-. She asked me if I was going to nurse. I answered some other less-annoying, less-invasive question. Her response? "You didn't answer me! I asked if you were going to nurse?" Ugh.

If I tell her "We're thinking about it/don't know yet/we're talking about that with our doctor," she'll just tell me how to do it anyway, then get information about how I'm actually doing it, then remind me again of her advice.

If I tell her, "I'm happy with how we do things, thanks," I'm either labeled as a bitch or she insists on her way anyway.

I have not directly said what I want to say, which is: "I realize that you're trying to help, but it comes off as patronizing and hurtful when you tell me how to raise and care for my baby. If I have any questions, I'll be sure to call you." I suspect that would be like detonating a bomb in the family. If my husband would approach them, I think everything would go much more smoothly...but he's reluctant to say anything to them (mother-in-law included here).

They (very occasionally) give him the same treatment, so I wish he would use one of those opportunities to speak up and make it clear that neither of us want to deal with it.

If this were just an occasional thing, I'd let it go. But lately, this has been at least a daily headache...though usually 2 - 4 times a day. I dread checking my e-mail, my phone or Facebook for fear of what invasive things they'll ask me about next. My sister-in-law will want to know if it's a vaginal birth, who's delivering the baby and if I'm eating the placenta next, bet you any money.

I have so much longer to go in my pregnancy, but I feel like they're already driving me insane.

I've thought about just ignoring their e-mails, Facebook messages, etc., and telling my husband what they wrote so he can respond to them. I suspect that will only damage relations further, though.

What would you do?

5 years, 5 months agopeoplearetalking posted on BabyBumps.
April 23, 2014

I think this is going to be a lifelong problem if you don't do something about it. I think you do need to confront it, but you need you husband's support as well. My suggestion for everything is to read a good book on the subject. My recommendation is Boundaries. And I would have your husband read it too. I hope you find some peace with this situation. Good luck!

Moving back in- experience with setting boundaries? [R]

5 years, 6 months agoApril 3, 2014

[deleted]

5 years, 6 months agofluffylady posted on raisedbynarcissists.
April 3, 2014

First of all, rent a P O box for 6 to 9 months at the closest US Post office & have all your mail sent to it and use it as your forwarding address. That way she can't "forget" , or just say she was concerned when she says it was "from the bank" or "from your school" and opens letters addressed to you.
Do not tell your parents that you are doing this. Also make sure all your accounts such as checking, savings and credit card are in your name only.

When she asks for information about bf, say that you do not know and suggest that she ask him directly. Be sure you let your bf know your new response just in case she actually decides to ask him.

As for wedding plans, say that he has not brought the subject up and that for now, the topic is not up for discussion. Repeat- Mom, I am not discussing that with you. Then either leave the room, change the subject, or let the silence hang in the air.

Edited to add: There is a book written in 1992 called Boundaries, by Townsend and Cloud that I think is pretty good & has some pretty good tips in it. It lightly "Christian" - http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454/ref=sr11/177-5129525-2207315?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1396549240&sr=1-1&keywords=boundaries+by+townsend

My mom wants me to get a credit card for her to use, I want to help her but I have concerns [R]

5 years, 6 months agoangelddaz posted submission on personalfinance.
April 1, 2014

I'm 17 and turning 18 in less than a month. My mom called me a couple of hours ago and told me she needed me to get a credit card for her to use. She said she has some debt and can't get a Visa card because of it, she says she'll pay it off in a few months. The thing is that she'd have to wait an extra 6 months or something until she'd be able to get a new card after she had payed off her debt. She assured me she'd pay all the bills and I wouldn't have to worry about anything, I'm sure that's what she means to do but given her situation I can't be certain she'll be able to.


Here's why I don't like this idea:

  • She already owes me around 750$ and has for some time. This is from the time I allowed her to borrow my debit card around a year ago. She has consistently avoided paying me this money back.
  • She doesn't have a stable income. She doesn't have a real job, instead she has a bunch of women she helps with their emotional problems (EDIT: she does get payed for this here and there but it's far from reliable) because she has a pastoral degree, this is a bullshit job and I just wished she'd grow up and get a real job but that's apparently not going to happen.
  • She's going to be going back to school soon to get another theology degree, which will allow her to get a job as some Christian councilor in a few years but until then she has to save every penny. This makes me worry that she's possibly not going to be able to pay me back

...and finally the issue it all boils down to:

  • I'm concerned it will affect my credit score. This is obviously not something I want hanging over my head as a 18 year old.

So, /r/personalfinance what do you think? What should I do? What will happen if my mom fails to meet payments?

EDIT: Thanks for all the advice guys. I'm going to tell her no, I suppose I already knew what I had to but didn't have the courage to do it. She's going to make me feel like hell but I'd rather have that than a bad credit score.

EDIT2: I talked to her. I told her I'd looked it up the internet and I didn't think it was a good idea but she said I should trust her and that she'd make the payments. I mentioned the 750$ she owes me (bad idea, it's always turned into a fight when I've mentioned it), she got mad and told me she'd pay me as soon as she received some money she's expecting, something she has said multiple times before. I told her I'd speak to a financial adviser at the bank tomorrow, she yelled at me and hung up.

EDIT3: I want to thank you all for the overwhelming support. I talked to her again and we're going to discuss it in person when I come to visit. We were a bit tense earlier and I think we'll be able to resolve this later. I realize that I might have been a bit unfair to her, she's really just a nice person that's had to go through some bad times since the 2008 crisis, we were hit especially hard, lost all our savings and are stuck with a house we can't get rid of. We're just eager to move on and I think my mom is just looking for a way out and it got the best of her. I'm still going to say no to getting her the credit card because of the reasons you guys have listed, I don't want to compromise my credit score.

Oh, and to all the people that have had to go through similar stuff (which is a lot of you apparently), thanks for making me feel like I'm not the only one in this situation. You also made it very clear for me what I have to do no matter how hard it might be. Thanks to all of you!

5 years, 6 months agoangelddaz posted on personalfinance.
April 1, 2014

Read the book Boundaries. It really helped me to start saying no to people when they would ask to borrow money, which ruins relationships many times. http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396383021&sr=8-1&keywords=boundaries

My (57F) daughter (30F) is getting married for the third time. I do not want to pay for her wedding! Feel like a bad parent [R]

5 years, 7 months agothatsfuckedup posted submission on relationships.
March 3, 2014

I should start by saying that my daughter is an only child. She has always been our "princess," so to speak, and she's received everything material that a girl could ask for. Before you criticize my husband (her father) and I for spoiling her, we DO realize that we shouldn't have given her everything from a young age but we didn't know any better back then. And we had the money, we're quite well off - so we figured why not support our only child?

My husband owns his own business and I am a schoolteacher. Together we make decent money, and I am looking to retire in the near future. When we first started out I stayed at home and my husband worked an office job, and so my daughter has been pampered with all of my attention and her father's support. She is now going to be married for the third time in her short life. Her only job is occasionally supply teaching in the same school board I work at, so she doesn't have much of a big career yet but I do hope she will find work.

I'll spare you the long of it. She married her high school boyfriend at 22 years old, and they divorced less than two years later in a bitter fight. The wedding was lavish, as it was her first and we truly believed that they would make it work. I guess my husband and I also saw through rose-coloured glasses since we were married very young as well, and are approaching our 35th anniversary. My husband and I pitched in around $25,000 for the wedding ceremony and reception, and perhaps another $3,000 for their honeymoon to Europe.

The second time she was proposed to by another man she was dating, he was a hard-working blue collar man but his family didn't have much money. Again she asked if we could help out with her wedding, that it was true love this time around. We met the man and he was a stand-up, wholesome person and so, a year after that, my daughter (then 27) was married to this second husband. We paid for most of the wedding costs and the honeymoon, to the tune of $43,000.

Her then-husband's mother was a nurse, and his father was a deadbeat. They didn't provide much when it came to the wedding itself, and I admit, the husband and I did harbor ill will toward the fact that her husband's father's name was clearly printed on the reception and invitations as a 'generously contributing' member of the wedding party. But that's another story..

And they divorced because of money issues less than 3 years later. We, tired by this time, forked over money for her divorce costs and tried to regroup our finances. We do have a comfortable nest egg saved up for our post-retired life (I would like to travel the world and maybe buy a small lake house with my husband, he also enjoys woodworking as a hobby), but now my daughter who has begun dating another man has excitedly showed us that she is engaged once again! The man in question proposed less than a year into their dating and she is elated more than anything, because after her second divorce she didn't think any man would want her anymore.

My daughter has hinted at wedding costs and brings home bridal magazines and ideas for cakes and dresses and venues, and I want to be happy for her happiness, but there's a voice inside me that is screaming ENOUGH. We have spent almost over $140,000 of my husband's and my money for my daughter's two failed marriages - wedding, reception, honeymoon costs, divorce costs - and I cannot believe she is thinking of planning another lavish ceremony at our expense. I've tried suggesting maybe this time she should opt for a small backyard ceremony this time, but she turns it around on us and says that we don't believe in her happiness and that we are being cheap, as she is our only daughter and her father and I are quite well-off. Which, to be fair, she is right. I am at a loss of what to say to her.

tl;dr: Twice-married and divorced only daughter is getting married for a third time, where the first two times her affluent father and I paid for a majority of the wedding costs and divorce costs. This time around we want to convince her to have a smaller ceremony but she says we are being cheap and that we don't care for her happiness. Feel like a bad parent.

5 years, 7 months agothatsfuckedup posted on relationships.
March 3, 2014

Boundaries

Set them.

EDIT: Or, spend money on pre-marriage couples counseling. Not the wedding, not one dollar.

Relationship 101? I need it. [R]

5 years, 8 months agoFeb. 12, 2014

Hi. I recently had a problem in my relationship. In talking to others, it is clear that I tolerate things "normal" people would not put up with. Like, at all. And I'm sitting there with eyes wide open to learn 99% of human females see red flags and instant dealbreakers that don't even occur to me.

What did occur to me is how clueless I am about the workings and dynamics of healthy relationships.

I really want to work on this, for myself and for my relationship. I want to protect myself appropriately and also be fully confident in my choices...and able to nurture a fulfilling and healthy union. But I don't know where to begin. You don't know what you don't know, right?

It's like no one ever taught me how to swim and now I'm flailing around in an ocean, drowning. I know I need to swim, but what is swimming?? Never seen it happen.

I don't even know what my weak spots are. What do I work on? Is it boundaries? Communication? Standards? Self esteem? I don't know. How do you decide?

Is there a good relationship primer out there, a Healthy Relationships for Dummies? Anyone relate to this at all?

5 years, 8 months agoBlueBronzeTen posted on raisedbynarcissists.
Feb. 12, 2014

Boundaries is an excellent place to start.

I dun goofed. I got a loan for a car beyond my means in 2012. I need to fix my mistake. Please help me. Mama drama inside (optional read). [R]

5 years, 9 months agocatholicwannabe2 posted submission on personalfinance.
Jan. 8, 2014

Hello all. Here's my story. I hate to say it, but I wish I didn't rely on my mom for big decisions like this. Skip the story if you want, the skinny is on the bottom, the part titled "THE SKINNY".

In 2012 I had just graduated from my undergraduate with a bachelor's in Env Science. I got a research assistantship for my master's. It was the first time I was getting steady income and despite my deep reservations (I almost walked out of the dealership because I felt it was a bad choice, but my mom stopped me) and against my better judgement, I followed my mom's guidance and bought a new car. I got an auto loan with maintenance. At the time it seemed like a good idea (after all, I was naive and had no idea on how to shop for my first car) so I let my mom 'guide' me .

I bought it under one condition: She promised me that she would help me with half of the monthly payments until I had a full time job after I graduate with my MS. I thought, okay maybe I can do this. I took her word for it. She is my mom, after all.

On top of that she said: "I am doing this because I love you. You deserve to have a good working car. Used cars are a drain of money and look ugly".

She helped during the first three months. After I got settled in school in a different state (I was with her during the first three months during summer break), the excuses came in. Oh I am short on money, I can't help this month. Oh grandma's meds cost a lot this month, so I can't help. Mind you, she just sold one of her houses and fully paid for a new condo (in cash) to move into. I thought, okay she just bought a condo and has to fix it up, maybe if I scrape by a little longer she will help me. She just had a divorce 2 years ago, maybe she is having a tough time adjusting.

Nope. The promised help didn't happen.

It's really hard to accept that someone like mom, who seemed like the epitome of financial savvy when I was growing up (I reasoned, well....she's a loan officer and supported me and my grandma as a single mother) has given me terrible financial advice.

I am not blaming her for this mistake. This loan is my fault. It is my fault because I took bad advice. SO now I have to own up to my mistake.

TURNING POINT/AHA! MOMENT: Fast forward to this past Christmas. I have become more responsible with my spending, and I have realized that having $1500 in your savings/chking account and paying for something that is 23% of your income (and this steady source will end in 6 months if I graduate and I don't find a job by the time I graduate) is not a good idea. I know, I am pretty slow. I have moved into a pretty cheap place (450-500 tops rent utilities and internet) for my second year that is more affordable for my income (last place was 650 for utilities+rent). I am not taking any classes this last semester, and I can easily go to campus on a bus in my new place.

I told my mom "hey I think given that I am graduating in 6 months and I can't guarantee I will have a job, maybe I should sell the car and save up to buy one within my means".

Her response: "WHAT?! YOU WANT TO GIVE UP?!? YOU WANT TO BE A LOSER!?"

First gen-college student who is getting paid to do her M.S. is a loser...because she is okay with not having a car for a couple months to shop around for a cheaper one and to save money for after graduation.

I said, "no, you are wrong. It's about living within my means. I need to start saving money because I may have to move for a new job and to start life post grad".

She then said that I am making her feel like a bad parent. She talked about how I would brag about my friend's parents getting them cars and their family trips to vacation houses (note: I never DID!Gah!) and would proceed to say that having debt is good, it pushes you to work harder.

I then reminded her that I have 28K in student loans (government, thank GOD) and she flipped out. "Didn't I say that I was going to pay for those" she contested.

And then I realized that I was played again, and I sang the same old song. She would always puts me through an emotional roller coaster and I somehow end up apologizing in the end.

Today I am not apologizing to her but to my past, present and future self. I know that this is just a loan, but I feel as though this is an important step as a young adult for self-empowerment in my life. Most importantly, resolving this problem will be my first step in healing after growing up in an emotionally abusive household

Other notes: i) She convinced me that lying about my income (she told me to tell the financing office that I made 25 K a year) was a good idea

ii) Right after graduation, she tried to convince me to co-sign a mortgage. Glad I kept saying no (I have awesome friends). She said that I "owe" her because she made so many sacrifices for me.

iii) She is about 30K in credit card debt, and is probably lying about it.

She finally paid me back my $250 I lent her...and I asked if she can help with the car this month. Nope. Proceeds to tell me how she spent $600 fixing her BMW. OK fine It's her money, I just wished she hadn't made that broken promise in the first place. Oh well, I must move forward.

So here I am. I am not here for mom or dad, but I need someone that can give my some solid advice for the following:

THE SKINNY I bought a new car outside of my means. What can I do for damage control?

Bank: Ally

Contract date: 06/09/2012

Scheduled payment amount:$340.67

Term :60

Payments remaining:42

Finance Charges paid (year-to-date):$0.00

Finance Charges paid (previous year): $746.53

Remaining balance: 13,046.90

Car Details

Mazda 3 White

Account type : STD RETAIL FFPF

18500 miles

It was always taken cared of in the dealership. I used synthetic oil. It only has a couple of dings in the back.

My Finances:

Income from December 29th to May 17th: $7,922.00

I will be given ~$2000 at the end of May as part of the deal of the TA-ship I did last semester.

Rent:350-400 all utilities + rent in warm months, 450-500 all utilities + rent cold months

Cell phone: Don't have one

Car Insurance: Already paid.

Credit Cards: $1800 ( I am an impulsive buyer, but I am working on this. Most of the credit card is on food eating out and presents for family for Xmas)

I plan to apply to jobs this semester as I am completing my manuscript, but to be sure I want to save as much as I can. Moving back with my Mom would be bad. To put it simply, I don't like FL and she is just plain mean.

Possible options, from googling: 1) Refinance the loan (smaller monthly payments) 2) Sell the car privately (KBB: 11-13000) 3)Sell to dealership (~$9000-9500)

Other questions: Where can I go to see if credit cards have been opened in my name, or mortgages? How do I file my taxes? My mom said that if I used her accountant she would have to put me as a dependant, but I told her to not claim me as a dependant this year. Even though I am a full-time student, I have an income.

Second job? I have considered but I say no. I make enough to scrape by but my second job should be applying to jobs for life after graduation. My primary job is getting my Masters manuscripts done.

Edit 1: Easier to read.

5 years, 9 months agocatholicwannabe2 posted on personalfinance.
Jan. 8, 2014

Your financial issues are pretty straightforward (no, you shouldn't have bought the car, you should probably sell it if you don't need it the next five months, and stop spending so much on credit cards - get a budget and stick to it!).

But I think the real thing that's coming out in your narrative is that you are in a place where you absolutely need to develop and enforce good boundaries with your mother. Without trying to read too much into your narrative, your mother will not be done trying to manipulate you for a long, long time. That's her problem, and only becomes your problem if you let her make it your problem too.

If you do establish good boundaries with her, prepare for her to try to make you feel like a bad daughter for saying No to her stupid manipulative behaviors. That's also her problem. Any "consequences" that result are her problem and her choice.

Here's a very good book that I've found very helpful for thinking about boundaries: http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454

(UPDATE) I'm [26 M] having problems with my Wife's [26 F - 4 years] best friend [45 F]. I'm worried about it hurting my wife and our marriage. [R]

5 years, 10 months agoLaserBees posted submission on relationships.
Dec. 18, 2013

Original Post

First Update

Second Update

I'll continue where I last left off on my previous update to keep everything in order. I sat down and spoke to my wife about it. I told her I didn't believe Susan but I just had to ask. Of course none of it was true.

We tried to move on but problems kept coming up between my wife and I.

Wall of Text Incoming

The first issue came up when I had gathered emails from my wife's account. I stumbled upon a "Notes section". It was a journal of sorts about Susan. The way she spoke about her, and the way she spoke about herself (my wife) were disturbing to me. She would talk about how much she missed Susan when they wouldn't talk, writing things like "I long to hear your voice again, I miss you so, so much", or "fuck me and fuck my life, why does she have to hate me?". Mind you my wife is the last person in the world who would curse, so this gave me concern. When I asked about the notes section, she became extremely defensive and tried to justify it saying that I've never had a "real" best friend. We argued and it really stressed our relationship cause I honestly felt a bit emtionally cheated on. On top of the fact that she tried to justify this "en-meshment" of a friendship. It took our Pastor to come in and mediate between us to fix things (more on this a bit later).

A week after she blew up on me and we had a nasty fight because I had asked her to keep all aspects of Susan talk to a minimum, but she felt she was going through this alone and was resentful. I apologized and realized that I did leave her hanging and promised to empathize with her when she was feeling sad instead of not talking about it. Then we were fine, until 2 weeks after this incident we have another fight.

The day after Thanksgiving she looks sad so I ask if everything is alright. She says she's feeling very sad and asked me why Susan and her couldn't be friends anymore. I was honestly taken back by the question because after going through all this she still asked THAT question. I felt like I was talking to someone who has stockholm syndrome, and wanted to go back into that toxic relationship. I tried explaining but I got upset and said I had given up. We made up that weekend with her saying she knew she was wrong to keep wanting this friendship and she realized that it should never be because Susan is mentally ill and toxic. Finally, I said to myself. It seemed like we were getting somewhere. That is until this week, ::sigh::.

Warning: Religion Ahead

So I wrote previously that our Pastor had came to be a mediator for us. My wife and I are Christians and very active in our church. I'll admit that my wife is more devout I, as I tend to not place it first before everything else. I mention this because I fear that my wife with this new argument that we had this week, is trying to use religion to...well I'm honestly not too sure. But I need an outside perspective on this whole thing because I feel like I'm going crazy.

So it all started this Sunday when my wife last minute told me she was going to stay for the night service. It bothered me since we hadn't spent much time with eachother that weekend and I was hoping to that evening. Also since I found out last minute it kind of rubbed me the wrong way. But when she came home (our Pastor brought her home), I said nothing of it, let it go, and we enjoyed our evening with our daughters and then with eachother after we put them to bed.

The next day my doorbell rings and to my surprise its our Pastor standing at the door. I am absolutely surprised by this since he never comes to just see me. I let him in and we begin to to talk.

He says that while driving home last night, my wife spoke to him about some things and he was worried about what he had heard. He warned me that I was destroying my wife and my family. ?? What??. And that my wife lives in fear of me. ??WHAT?? He goes on to talk about how he learned that someone from church has been visiting Susan and studying with her and she wants to go back to church and ask us for forgiveness. That I should forgive her and not deny her from coming to church.

I balked at everything he said. My wife in fear of me? Where on earth did this come from? I'm going to destroy my family? But the Susan part is what really made me go wtf. He says she's been watching the services online and she's tried going to other churches but its not working for her and she really wants to come back. Which is complete crap because I can count on one hand how many times she even went to church. She rarely went! He left wanting an answer as to whether or not I would forgive Susan and I told him I would answer the next day. I needed to speak to my wife.

When she got home from work we sat down and started talking. Although I was honestly already upset from my previous conversation with the Pastor. I felt lied to aswell. Since We were finally enjoying our lives without Susan. Things were going good after our last resolved argument but then this comes out of nowhere, that my wife is afraid of me? I asked her about it and she pulled out this one thing I asked weeks ago. I had mentioned that she smelled differently one day she came home from work. That was it. I didn't ask who, or why and I said it in a joking manner. I mentioned it and left it alone. She goes to mention that the pastor was wrong in what he heard and that she meant she was afraid to talk to me about the subject of Susan.

...at this point I feel like Idk who I'm talking to anymore. We then talk about the other point of Susan wanting to come to church and forgiving her. I tell her that it's a lie and ploy to try and get close to her again. And I know that she might not try anything immediately, but she would eventually. And I told her that I didn't trust Susan and that I didn't trust her around Susan. She gets upset with me because I really don't want this woman around my family, and that I want to protect her but apparently this turns me into a villan. I tell her I've enough and she could do whatever she damn well pleased. That woman is not welcome, and will never be welcome around me or my children.

In the hours since then I've tried to reason with her to see that this can only end badly. I'm trying to make help her see that she continues to stress our marriage by bringing up Susan and trying to fix things with her. But she seems stubbornly set on this "crusade". I've had enough already. With the bi-weekly arguments about the same thing I just don't care anymore. I want to get off this horrible roller coaster of arguments and anger. If she continues to press the issue I don't see things ending well for us. Just the way Susan wanted...

TL;DR: My wife and I are continuously arguing about Susan long after their friendship has ended. I fear she's using religion as an excuse to keep the problem alive. And our marriage is the most stressed it has ever been. I can't see a good end if this isn't resolved and done with, but my wife won't let it go.

EDIT: Thank you everyone for your advice and support. After another barrage of texts to try and reason with my wife, I've decided that I can't do this anymore. I'm going to start putting things together for a separation...

5 years, 10 months agoLaserBees posted on relationships.
Dec. 18, 2013

This is a great book about exactly what you've been experiencing, and I can't recommend it enough. Seriously, read this book and ask your wife to read it.

And speaking as a pastor myself, you two need to talk to a trained counselor. You're fighting for your marriage and your family right now. It's going to be hard, and frustrating, and exhausting, but don't give up. Don't give up.

I am an adult, I live alone, work, and pay rent; They have no power here. [R]

5 years, 10 months agoDec. 11, 2013
5 years, 10 months agogreevous00 posted on AdviceAnimals.
Dec. 12, 2013

Assuming you don't owe your parents a shit ton of money or something, may I suggest a practical Christmas gift for your parents:

http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454/ref=pdsimb_4

Given they did something that extremely goes against your morals, of course. [R]

5 years, 10 months agoruitfloops posted submission on AdviceAnimals.
Nov. 29, 2013
5 years, 10 months agoruitfloops posted on AdviceAnimals.
Nov. 29, 2013

I'd recommend the book Boundaries, it really helped my wife and I draw the line between us and her emeshed parents. It is a Christian book, but, at least in my opinion, it's applicibale regardless of your leanings.

One of the main thrust of the book is that you can only change yourself and be prepared for backlash. Thinking that there's even a glimmer of a chance that it'll create a positive response on the other side is setting yourself up for dissapointment and disaster.

I am an incredibly overwhelmed 19 year old with $570,000 sitting in a checking account. I'd like advice on how to make the most out of my money. [R]

5 years, 11 months agosenseandsarcasm posted submission on personalfinance.
Nov. 16, 2013

When I turned 18, I inherited over 600k from my diseased father. Currently, it's paying my rent ($365/mo) my mother's rent ($525/mo) my tuition ($16k yearly, not counting my scholarships and grants which add up to about $13k. I haven't gotten my FAFSA straightened out so I haven't received anything yet. This is my first semester.) It also covers all of mine and my mother's basic needs and utilities. She is by all means a leech who I've yet to shake, but that's a conversation best left for r/relationships. I do not currently work, because I fear it would interfere with my grades. I'm not sure if this is safe for me to do or not.

Anyhow, I'm just looking for any advice on investing, making large purchases, budgeting, and anything else you folks think would be helpful. I'm totally alone with basically no one to help with my finances, my family is a pack of hyenas, and I'm not sure where to turn. I had a meeting with a Merrill Lynch adviser several months ago but my mother scared me into not making any decisions.

I also would like some advice specifically on real estate investment. I was thinking about buying a home for my mother, who is currently draining me with her rent payment. I told her I would think about buying a home if she found a way to pay her utilities, but I'm not sure about such a huge decision.

EDIT: I forgot to add that in the current account I'm in my money is only making 0.25% annual interest.

5 years, 11 months agosenseandsarcasm posted on personalfinance.
Nov. 16, 2013

While you are waiting to see a counselor to discuss the relationship with your mother, you might want seek out the book Boundaries.

Fair "warning"...it is from a Christian perspective. I'm not really into that, so I wasn't really wanting to read it when it was suggested to me by a friend who is a Dave Ramsey geek. However, I will say that the advice in the book very good and really practical when it comes to just saying no to people for your own good.

I have been waiting 4 years to divorce my wife, but now she is dependent on me. [R]

5 years, 11 months ago[deleted] posted submission on AskMen.
Nov. 10, 2013

Wife and I are married with 2 kids. One son 19 years old and a daughter that is 18. About 4 years ago I discovered my wife had an affair with a mutual friend of ours. At the time everything in our marriage seemed to be going perfectly, we were happy, had a decent sex life nothing that would indicate any dissatisfaction.

After I found out, I confronted her about it, she admitted to everything was apologetic. Turns out the affair went on for four months, and they broke it off a week before I found out about it. After finding out I couldn't look at my wife the same. I didn't want anything to do with her, if we didn't have children I would have divorced her on the spot. But, I love my kids and the idea of being a "part time dad" and only seeing them every other weekend or some ridiculous arrangement like that I wasn't okay with.

I told my wife, she can sleep with whomever she wants to sleep with because I honestly have no interest in ever sleeping with her again. Every time my wife tried to initiate sex, I'd just get feelings of disgust. Wife was apologetic for the rest of our marriage but I couldn't bring myself to it. We did go for marriage counseling but there was nothing to be learned from there. They tried to convince us that we needed to be intimate with each other again and that we could fix our marriage. I tried but I couldn't bring myself to it, just the idea of her being with our friend just drove me crazy I kept imagining the other guy. I couldn't do it. I told her that there is an expiration date on our marriage that as soon as our youngest daughter is off and away I am done with her.

Days became a routine where I'd come home put a smile on for the kids, do my share of the chores and then go to bed. About a month ago, wife got into a car accident and now she has problems with her spine. She is restricted to a wheel chair. Looking at it, she probably will never be able to walk again. She needs me to carry her up the stairs and help her about with just about everything.

I had plans on leaving her now I feel like if I leave my family will look at me as a monster for leaving his wife when she needs him the most. I don't know what to do I have been in a sexless marriage for over 4 years with a person I have no feelings for. A person whom I look and just get feelings of betrayal and sadness. No one in my family knows of the affair, I didn't want to tarnish my wife's reputation. Even though she betrayed me she is still the mother to my two children and I didn't want them to think less of her.

5 years, 11 months ago[deleted] posted on AskMen.
Nov. 10, 2013

I think the previous poster hit the nail on the head. You seem overly concerned about what others think and not concerned enough about what you feel and need. I would suggest grabbing a book called "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend as well. The simple fact is that your desire to leave her was brought on by her own actions, and she only has that hold on you if you allow her to guilt trip you. Do you honestly think that if your roles were reversed that she would stay with you and care for you? Fuck no. She left you for another guy when you were HEALTHY and MEETING HER NEEDS.

My Mom had to divorce my dad for good reasons, and yes, she did make many enemies (especially on my dad's side of the family and in the church), but what she did was right, and was a better person and mother for it. But it wasn't her problem; the other people knew or had the opportunity to find out what happened, and until they took the initiative, it was all on them. She started looking out for herself, damn what the other people thought, and never looked back.

I guess what I am saying is that you are allowing the circumstances of others to dictate your life, and your frustration is that you know they shouldn't be able to, but you allow it anyway. Practice saying "no" once in a while on things that don't matter and allow yourself to be okay with it, because their wants or needs are NOT MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR OWN.

EDIT: Boundaries

So I am afraid that I don't actually understand unconditional love, more-so if it actually exists anywhere [R]

5 years, 11 months agoNov. 6, 2013

[deleted]

5 years, 11 months agolcoursey posted on raisedbynarcissists.
Nov. 7, 2013

You're right, generically it does, but love doesn't require pain. Love respects boundaries as well.

There's a good book about this called Boundaries: When to say yes and how to say no (HERE) that I would highly reccommend for you. It talks about this. One of the things I found was that my own nmom had really done a number on me about acceptable boundaries making me feel like I didn't have control - that other people were the ones in control of what I did and didn't do and that that was normal! This book helped a lot.

Parents (divorced) demand on holding contact while I ask them to leave me alone [R]

5 years, 12 months agolcoursey posted submission on raisedbynarcissists.
Oct. 22, 2013

I moved out almost two years ago (trying low to no contanct) and since then my Nmother keeps writing me text messages while dad (alcoholic) is calling me while I'm at work. Both making me feel guilty by not answering them and constantly keeping them up-to-date with my life, implying that I have to "because we're your parents". Really passive-aggressive.

I already told my NM a couple of times nicely to please leave me alone because I can't handle that right now and that I will talk to them and see them as soon as I can. Which she succesfully ignores.

Should I just keep on not answering? I'm really scared that they just come to my house and I have nowhere to go (which they also hinted once, a year ago)

5 years, 12 months agolcoursey posted on raisedbynarcissists.
Oct. 22, 2013

Boundaries - This is the book that finally put me at ease after cutting off my nmom. Her lack of respect for (and my complete lack of understanding of) boundaries is what let her keep her hold over me. Once I understood what healthy boundaries were and how much I should expect my own wishes to be respected then I was able to move forward.

What to say to someone who believes so strongly in grace and second chances that she stays in an emotionally abusive relationship? [R]

6 years agoopsomath posted submission on Christianity.
Oct. 17, 2013

I apologize if my thoughts are scattered in this post - this is still kind of raw.

One of my dearest friends is in a relationship that can best be described as emotionally abusive. She is almost 21, he is almost 30. He has a 5-year-old daughter that lives with his well-off mother - he doesn't pay a cent for her care, but that's another topic entirely.

I can't recount all of his behavior here, but this is some of what I've seen:

  • He belittles her ideas and talks down to her like a child. ("Your ideas are stupid, but you're just a kid, so you'll learn.")

  • He tells her that she's not interesting and not funny, and that people find her really awkward and are uncomfortable around her.

  • He calls her names all the time. He has called her a "dumb c***" at least once, and repeatedly calls her a dick and an asshole.

  • He finds something to yell at her for every single day.

  • He misses her important events and bails on plans, but when she brings it up, he gets mad, yells at her, and tells her that she's too sensitive.

  • He ignores her frequently, and in a recent conversation, he told her to shut up and that he didn't care about her opinion.

  • Whether purposely or not, he has been gaslighting her. He tells her she's too sensitive, that she can't trust her perceptions, and as a result, she has said that she thinks she's the crazy one...and now she believes him when he says she's awkward and uninteresting and not funny. (She also said that she thinks she's a toxic person.)

My friend has been with him since March or so, and she has been saying to my boyfriend and me a couple times a month since June or so that she was going to leave him. And every time she does, we talk her through it, give her advice, and help her out any way we can...and she backpedals and decides to stay. This has happened twice in the last week.

Last Thursday, she was all set to go, but then they had a long talk and she told him that he needs to listen to her and value her - and he promised he would - and she decided to take him back. And then a few days later, they got into a fight - she was trying to tell him about an issue important to her, and he told her to shut up and that she was a dick and an asshole - and she was all set to leave him again. I offered, and she planned to accept, money for travel expenses to get here to Michigan (she lives several states away) and a rent-free room in my apartment. She told her parents of her plans to move away and live with me. And then she talked to him and he cried and she's giving him a second (third? fourth? fifth?) chance.

And the thing is, I understand the impulse: she wants to help him. His friends think she is really good for him, so they want her to stay. And I understand the feeling that no one is a lost cause - it's fundamentally Christian, isn't it? Yet I see how awful his behavior is - and whatever she may say, he has not gotten better over the course of the relationship that I can see.

I've been over this so many times with her that I don't know what else I can say. She knows what I think. I know I can't control her behavior, and believe me, I don't wish to. But what can I say to her when the topic inevitably comes up, knowing that she is doing this because she believes in grace?

TL;DR One of my best friends keeps going back to her emotionally abusive boyfriend because she believes in grace and second chances. I know I can't control what she does, and I understand her impulse to help, but it is affecting her so negatively that I'm worried for her, and I don't know what to say when the topic comes up.

Thank you to anyone who reads this. I am emotionally exhausted and could use any help I can get.

6 years agoopsomath posted on Christianity.
Oct. 17, 2013

I would really, really recommend the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. It's from a Christian perspective and addresses many situations that you actually describe in your post.

How can I make my parents who I am—an extremely introverted INFJ? [R]

6 years agoOct. 5, 2013

[deleted]

6 years agomafupoo posted on infj.
Oct. 5, 2013

Sounds like you have a lot going on. Remember that you cannot make other people do anything. The only thing you have control over is how you act to others and how you deal with things. Even if your family doesn't understand you and takes advantage of you, it is up to you to change things. Being upset or angry will not help at all, it will only make the relationship worse. And I'm sure that you want to eventually have a good relationship with your family! This is a great book to read if you haven't read it. I'm still in the middle of it, but it has helped me learn that setting boundaries or saying no is not necessarily mean or letting people down, but can actually a positive thing if done for the correct reasons.

Living with someone with DID [R]

6 years agoSept. 28, 2013

[deleted]

6 years agohusbandid posted on DID.
Sept. 30, 2013

> So, does anyone have any tips for me on... how I can look at all the things in the past and not feel resentful?

The only real cure for resentment is forgiveness. Resentment and true forgiveness cannot coexist at the same time. And forgiveness does not start with a feeling - it's not apathy, it's not "I don't care anymore" or "I'll pretend not to care" - it's "You've wronged me, but I choose to release you from your debt to me. I let go of my claim, I let go of my anger, and I forgive you." The feelings of forgiveness follow that choice.

That being said, it is a difficult choice to make when the other person is not making a visible effort to prevent the problem from repeating.

> ...how I can help him...

Start out with yourself. As already suggested, if you can find a good therapist, then that would help a lot. Try to avoid co-dependency, build a healthy set of boundaries, and become as balanced and all-around emotionally healthy as you can be.

Speaking from experience, it is hard to live at peace with somebody who is in the middle of their own internal civil war. And it's hard to protect yourself from "friendly" fire. This is not an easy road to walk.

May you both find peace.

How should a shy person deal with passive aggressive Christians? [R]

6 years, 1 month agoJustinJamm posted submission on Christianity.
Sept. 15, 2013

Hi all,

I'm shy. There's more to it - I have anxiety attacks most days, and lots of social problems. And hand injuries, so can't type much here, or in replies.

I'm considering going back to church again, and trying to make Christian friends. However, it's much harder for me than with non-Christians.

When a non-Christian is friendly to me, I have to worry about whether they have drinking/drug problems, but if they're friendly, it's prob because THEY WANT TO BE FRIENDS.

When a Christian is friendly to me, it could be genuine, or because they want to "fellowship". To me, "fellowship" means constant badgering to go to stuff (restaurants, events, Bible study), and not including me at all beyond "so how was your week??" I don't wanna talk about my week and then be ignored, and chastised when I get bored and leave early. Small talk and listening to groups as an outsider is incredibly boring, and sitting around at restaurants with ppl I don't know is the worst form of both. I like DOING things. Unfortunately, multiple serious injuries make sports risky, but those would be cool.

I have a guilt complex and passive aggressive stuff just GETS to me. How should I handle passive aggressive Christians? Other than my current, "ignore them, and start an argument if harassed" strategy.

Any advice is appreciated, thanks!

6 years, 1 month agoJustinJamm posted on Christianity.
Sept. 15, 2013

It actually sounds to me like you're not so much concerned with passive aggression, but rather with your own fear of saying "No" (or "I'd rather not" or "Let's do something else").

We call this "Setting boundaries." It's hard to do because we're afraid people won't like or accept us unless we do everything they care about.

There are a whole variety of good books on boundaries , so I won't go into more detail just yet.

Is it possible you're dealing with this? Or am I way, way off? =)

My mother[52] is on her 4th divorce and has moved in with me- help! [R]

6 years, 1 month agoSept. 12, 2013

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6 years, 1 month agoMyPoopIsHere posted on relationships.
Sept. 12, 2013

Have you considered checking your lease? Some leases will not allow for additional people in the apartment beyond a specific amount of time. If this is the case you could be looking at eviction, depending on your landlord.

Did she actually start the divorce after she started staying with you? If yes, it sounds like this was her plan all along.

You are going to have to sit her down without your SO present. You are going to have to put your foot down on when her move out date is. She isn't trying to move out, and you need to point out that she is violating a key part of your agreement.

Your SO is, I'm assuming, not your husband. Having your SO's mother living with you is not something appropriate for a relationship that has not yet hit marriage. You guys just took the step to moving in together. That's a big leap. Now, basically, your mother is vaulting him into much more commitment.

Your mother is going to ruin your relationship. Your SO has been a good sport about this so far, but eventually he's going to have enough and eventually, he will move out and leave the two of you together.

I'm going to recommend a book to you, titled Boundaries.

It sucks, but you are going to have to be the bad guy if you want your relationship to survive. Your mother is old enough to make her own choices. She is old enough to take care of herself. It is her choices that put her in this situation, so it's time for her to act like an adult and deal with the consequences. If that means moving back, then she needs to make arrangements. ~~Maybe you and your SO can offer to buy her a train/bus/plane ticket to get her to some other family or friend who can help her.~~

EDIT: I changed my mind. She should have an attorney for the divorce, and she should get money from her ex to move or get her own place.

First Post: Slight Panic Attack. [R]

6 years, 1 month agoSupervisor194 posted submission on exjw.
Aug. 23, 2013

Greetings brothers and sisters,

I am a long time lurker and I figured I'd say hello and vent a little bit. Perhaps you will have some inspired advice to help me out.

First of all, it is great to see so many positive experiences leaving the org. While I do not really have any bitterness towards the org (other than not going to college) the longer I am out, the more damage I see it has done to the lives of others. It is nice to see that "apostates" are not negative and bitter folks, just people trying to move on with their lives.

Before I go on about my panic, I will give a short history (being vague because I am paranoid!):

Raised as a witness from an early age by a single mother. I was a good little witness boy up until I was about 20 and moved out on my own (pioneer and about a hairs breadth away from becoming an MS). For the next 10 years or so I kind of skated by, going through periods of greater and lesser activity. I realize now that from my early 20s or so, I only partially believed. I thought that it was probably the truth, but there were certainly some flaws in either understanding or translation. During that time I was married. The past several years (late 20s early 30s) my wife and I started to float away up until the last year where we just have stopped going to meetings (with the exception of the memorial.) As we moved it was kind of easy to just stop (our cards were never transferred from our old hall.) We still have a few witness friends we see regularly, but most of them are only partially in. We think that our families know something is up, but they really haven't called us out on it yet.

Now that you are up to speed, here is my panic reason. So I have not seen my mom in about a year. We have spoken on the phone a little, but mainly texted. She knows that when we moved we took a while to find a congregation. I am seeing her tomorrow and I am concerned the subject of congregations will come up. She is in the same circuit as the one we moved into. I am not sure if I should just be honest and say we are kind of inactive, or pretend we are going, albeit infrequently. I am not quite ready for full fallout yet. I prefer fading as to outright leaving, but lying is hard. My mom is extremely involved these days (a pioneer) and I do love her and do not want to disappoint her, but I will NOT live a lie. Anyways, I don't expect any solutions, I just wanted to say hello and that it is great to have a community, especially one I can vent to. Thanks! -straightdandy

(I am willing to answer some questions, but I am still trying to be cautious, so I will probably be vague. If you think you know me, send me a PM and we can discuss

6 years, 1 month agoSupervisor194 posted on exjw.
Aug. 24, 2013

When I left at 24, I told my parents that I didn't want to discuss religion. I effectively shut down the conversation. By that point I was a fully self-supported adult and had been for several years, living on my own. No one, including my parents, have the right to come in my house and talk about things I don't want to talk about and I made that clear. There was no discussion about how I felt about the religion because there was no discussion about religion at all. I love my parents like you do, but there are boundaries in this world that everyone, including JWs have to respect. This is a secular idea, not a religious one. This book helped me to figure that out.

After several years of having a relationship outside of the religion, it became less weird and more normal, to the point where my parents felt comfortable asking again how I felt about the religion of my youth and my answer was: "I don't believe in the Bible." This is an easier answer for JWs to accept because apostasy in their mind really does actually mean actively working against the organization and particularly in the context of taking up another religion. When you simply say that the basis for their religion is the reason that you leave, they actually have no good response. The WTBTS doesn't deal with that issue very effectively (because they can't). The WTBTS spends the great majority of its energy explaining why all other religions are shit and their interpretations of the Bible wrong.

It's been 18 years now. They have accepted my decision, they chat about going to assembly and stuff like that but that's just their life, it's no big deal.

One thing I would definitely recommend is NOT going to Memorial or doing any kind of token service. Don't drag out the inevitable. Take a stand, be kind but firm. You are a human being, you are an adult. Even in the context of this fucked up religion, you have the right to stop going if you are discreet about it.

I tend to lose it. Wife told me to get help o e way or the other. So here I am. [R]

6 years, 3 months agoJuly 1, 2013

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6 years, 3 months ago[deleted] posted on Parenting.
July 1, 2013

Look into this:

http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454

It's from a Christian perspective, but it was a good book to read. It helps put things into categories, which was helpful for me. It might be a good place to start.

My GF is being shamed for using toys in the bedroom. [R]

6 years, 6 months agoApril 15, 2013

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6 years, 6 months agoclkou posted on sex.
April 15, 2013

You, the gf, and especially her mom need to get a copy of the book "Boundaries" and read it cover to cover:

http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454

My parents stole my identity when I was a kid and tanked my credit. AMA. [R]

6 years, 6 months agoLibAtheist posted submission on IAmA.
April 12, 2013

I tried applying for one of those student credit cards at the beginning of my Freshman year of college and got denied. I thought it was strange since those cards are meant for people with no credit. So I ordered a copy of my credit report and lo and behold, I have numerous addresses with phone numbers and utilities to match, I am locked into an unpaid 2 year cell phone contract, and I have penchant for shopping. All in all I owe a few thousand dollars with no way to pay, and I'm screwed.

Oh and before I forget, here's a random chunk of my credit report to serve as my proof: http://imgur.com/qixZ7U6

6 years, 6 months agoLibAtheist posted on IAmA.
April 12, 2013

Dude, your parents STOLE from you and the companies involved. Your parents either don't care about you or are incapable of caring about you right now due to more than likely an addiction of some sort. You need to read Boundaries and quit letting shitty people mess with your life.